


We're Concentrated on Falling Apart

by hell0lust



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, F/M, M/M, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-01
Updated: 2017-07-25
Packaged: 2018-04-07 02:13:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 80,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4245618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hell0lust/pseuds/hell0lust
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius Black's life is spiraling out of control. But how do you help someone who doesn't want to be saved?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> James doesn't understand why Sirius does what he does to himself. Lily understands all too well. Remus just wants Sirius to be okay. Sirius doesn't know what he wants.

Though James was well aware that something was terribly wrong with his best friend, he couldn't quite pin down what it exactly was. After nearly a decade of friendship, James well well-versed in Sirius' abruptly changing moods. He had witnessed both extreme highs, where Sirius had teetered on the verge of near-mania, and extreme lows, where his friend couldn't even drag himself out of bed because he _just couldn’t_. Worse still had been the rapid mood swings; one minute he would be joking with his friends, smiling easy, the next he would be lashing out at someone, overcome with anger. Over the years he had dabbled in nearly every form of self-destructive behavior one could imagine: there had been a stint of inpatient hospitalization after he'd starved himself down to six stone during sixth form; countless therapy sessions after he and Remus had walked in on Sirius slashing his arms up with a razor blade during fourth form; years and years of sporadic drug abuse, particularly cocaine, which in James' opinion, exacerbated the effects of Sirius' manic states. There was no doubt in his mind that Sirius had a drinking problem. After all, he had been the one who had gotten all of them drunk for the first time, at the tender age of twelve. Far too many times he had stumbled out of a party for a breath of fresh air, only to watch Sirius speeding off into the night on his motorbike, already half in the bag. That was one of his favorite things, James decided. Riding his bike. Sirius loved his bike, and he loved to go fast. Sirius also liked sex. Boys, girls, straight, queer, bi, Sirius was indiscriminate when it came to lovers, and he went through them like Kleenex.  
  
He eyed his cell phone carefully, reading and rereading the text he had just received from his mother: **SB just admitted to ER.**  
  
He sighed, shoving his phone back into his pocket. _What could it be this time?_ The last time Sirius had ended up in the ER, it had been a suicide attempt, having slashed his wrists to prove a point to a former lover who had broken up with him.  
  
Mrs. Potter, a respected trauma nurse at the hospital, had neatly handled the incident, sparing him the 72 hour mandatory hold on suicidal persons.  
  
The time before that, Sirius had crashed his bike, driving drunk on the highway. His mother had sobbed in the waiting room, but had calmly collected herself before visiting Sirius at his bedside, assuring him that he was okay and that they were taking him home.  
  
He'd asked Sirius countless times why he did the things he did, but had yet to receive an actual answer. Every time, he had just shrugged, staring down at the ground, muttering an _I don’t know_ , or something along those lines.  
  
Sighing, James retrieved his phone, opening a group chat used solely to discuss Sirius' frequent ‘accidents’. With a heavy heart he began typing away, blinking back tears as he pressed send. _He’s in the ER. Again._

Lily Evans sighed as she heard her phone buzz. She read the text, tossing her phone into her bag and grabbing her keys off the kitchen table.  
  
While James could not pin down what exactly was Sirius' problem, Lily was well aware. As someone who had spent most of her teen years in therapy, she easily recognized Sirius' erratic self-destructive behavior as a textbook example of borderline personality disorder. As young teens, she and Sirius had attended the same group therapy sessions. Though he had been in attendance at the time for depression, following a suicide attempt, Lily had recognized the symptoms even then; the erratic, impulsive behavior. The feeling of only highs and lows, with absolutely no gray area between the two. The desperate need to feel something, anything to escape the feeling of nothingness. She deeply frowned upon Sirius' wanton attitude towards his sex life. He had countless partners, and she was quite certain that he didn't use protection. _That would take away from the rush_ , she thought, rolling her eyes. She felt sad for him, watching him desperately use his body to fill some sort of void within him. Though admittedly, she felt worse for Remus, for having to watch him do it.

It had happened gradually, really. One day Sirius was just a schoolmate of Remus', the next he was a chum, then they were best mates, and before he knew it Remus was head over heels in love with him. He didn't like what Sirius did, jumping from mate to mate, but he quietly accepted it, as he did with all of Sirius’ reckless behavior; because he loved him and didn't dare speak his objections, lest he reveal his true feelings and risk losing Sirius’ friendship. He sighed, reading James' text. "I don't even want to know what he did this time," he muttered, replying to the text with a request to be picked up. It had become a ritual of sorts for the three of them; Sirius wound up in the hospital and they would rally around him to pick up the pieces. They never went to see him alone, though. They always went as a group. Truthfully, Remus thought it was because none of them could hold up the charade of pretending everything was fine if left alone with him. He sighed, deciding to wait outside for Lily to pick him up. He lit a cigarette, sighing heavily as he lowered himself onto his front steps. _Smoking,_ he thought wryly, taking a deep drag. _Another filthy habit picked up from Sirius._ He stared out at the setting sun, wondering what Sirius had done to himself this time. _Please don't let him have tried to kill himself again,_ he thought silently. Four months ago, when they'd learned that he'd slashed his wrists over a former lover, Remus had barely managed to keep his composure while in the room with him. He had managed to keep it together until he and Lily had gotten into her car, where she mercifully allowed him to sob in peace as she drove him home. Remus had cried for three days afterwards, sick at the thought of Sirius doing that to himself. _He's been looking a bit on the thin side lately_ , he thought, forcing himself to block out the thought of another suicide attempt. _That could be one of two things; he's decided to go through another bout of starving himself, or he's been doing too much coke._ Remus had never though of Sirius as a drug addict; he stopped and started sporadically, usually losing interest after a few months, ready to chase the next high. However, he was well aware that Sirius had a problem with control. If he was going to do something, anything, it was all or nothing. There was no medium ground in Sirius’ chaotic world. Sirius also liked pills. He had been prescribed xanax since he was thirteen, but did not take it as prescribed. During their boarding school days, he had witnessed many an afternoon where Sirius would snort three or four bars and proceed to sink into a hot bath, listening to depressing music. Remus had developed a keen sense of hearing, knowing at exactly what point he needed to rush in and pull Sirius out of the tub because the Postal Service's track _This Place is a Prison_ "makes me want to drown myself, Moony" and god knows he couldn't leave Sirius to his own devices when he was zanned out of his mind.

James, Lily, and Remus huddled together in front of the nurse’s triage, patiently waiting for Mrs. Potter. The trio exchanged sad looks, remaining silent. James frowned, glancing at his watch. _How many times have we stood in this very spot, waiting for news about him?_ He chewed his lower lip nervously, running his fingers through his messy black hair. _How many more times are we going to find ourselves in this position?_ The very thought turned James’ stomach.  
  
At last, Mrs. Potter approached them, her lips tightly pursed together. “How is he?” James asked, wringing his hands nervously.  
  
“He’ll be out for a while, but he should be fine.”  
  
“What was it this time?” Remus asked softly, his voice barely above a whisper.  
  
“Xanax and vodka. He passed out in the shower, hit his head pretty hard so he has a concussion. They’ll want to keep him in for observation for a few days. And for a psych eval,” she noted calmly, her voice not matching the worry glimmering in her eyes.  
  
“He didn’t... you know, do you think?” James asked, eyeing his mother carefully.  
  
“No... I don’t think he did it on purpose.”

Sirius stared ahead at the blindingly white wall, listening to the soothing sound of machines whirring around him. He had a throbbing headache. The last thing he remembered, he had been at Dave’s, or was it Mark’s? They'd been day drinking, laying out by the pool. They'd swam some, and had gone inside to escape the summer heat. He remembered discussing xanax, and the appeal of zan sex. He remembered crushing a handful of pills on the kitchen table, snorting line after line of the white powder. He sniffed slightly, grinning victoriously. There were still remnants of it in his nasal cavity. He remembered making out with Dave or Mark, hastily ripping off clothes and stumbling up the stairs, towards his bedroom. Then his memory went black until he remembered standing in the shower, his eyes firmly focused on the tile floor until everything went black.  
  
“Sirius,” Mrs. Potter sighed, shaking her head sadly. “What are we going to do with you, love?”  
  
Sirius glanced up at her, perplexed. _How long has she been in here? _“I'm so tired,” he complained, staring down at the IV attached to his left hand. “Can't you give me something to help me sleep? “he asked pleadingly.__  
  
“You have a concussion, dear. And enough xanax in your system to have put someone out for an entire week. It's already in your system so you're just going to have to wait it out.”  
  
“How long was I out for?” he asked, frowning.  
  
“You were brought in around six, and it's past one, now.”  
  
Sirius frowned, staring down at his hands. _Fuck. I just want to go home._  
  
“How much did you take, Sirius?”  
  
“Dunno,” he retorted, shrugging.  
  
“The doctors pumped your stomach, Sirius. You know drinking on an empty stomach is a terrible idea. And mixing benzodiazepines with it...” she clicked her tongue disapprovingly.  
  
“I thought I was good,” Sirius said quietly, shrugging. “It was an accident this time, Mrs. Potter. I swear.”  
  
He thought back to the last time he'd overdosed on xanax. He'd been feeling terribly low, having been kicked out if his parents home for the final time. He'd taken a handful of xanax, and snorted some more. He'd woken up three days later in the hospital, surrounded by the Potters, Remus, and Lily, a tube shoved down his throat.  
  
“I'm worried about you, dear. You're not taking care of yourself... Charles and I think it might be good for you to see someone.”  
  
“Therapy is bullshit,” he argued, arms crossed.  
  
“That may be so, but I can't sit idly by and watch you do this to yourself, Sirius. You're hurting yourself and I really don't know how much more abuse your body can take.”  
  
“It was just a stupid mistake, really-”  
  
“I'm not just talking about this incident, dear. I know you've been struggling with... other things.”  
  
Sirius stared, still too doped up from the xanax to particularly care what she was aware of.  
  
“I know you've been vomiting after meals, Sirius. I'm a nurse, remember. I'm aware of the signs of bulimia and-”  
  
“I'm not bulimic,” Sirius interrupted, frowning. “Bulimia is for losers.”  
  
“I know that you have struggled with your eating in the past, Sirius. Call it whatever you wish, but purging isn't healthy.”  
  
“Is James here?” Sirius asked, anxious for this conversation to be over. He was none too pleased with the sudden onset of concern from Mrs. Potter. Though she had always been something of a mother to him, she had always kept a respectful distance in these matters, letting Sirius work through his things in his own way.  
  
“The doctor wants to speak with you. After he’s done, I’ll bring James in. Okay?”  
  
Sirius shrugged in response, slumping back down into the pillows. _Why do I keep ending up here? What the fuck is wrong with me that I can’t get it together?_


	2. Liquids, Powders, and Pills: Not Quite Taken Against My Will

“How are you feeling, mate?” James asked, offering Sirius a cautious smile. It was always difficult to gauge how Sirius would respond to their visits. On some occasions, he reacted warmly to their presence. However, on others, he would release his anger and frustration on them, moodily demanding that they leave him alone.  
  
“Hey,” Sirius replied shortly, a vacant expression in his eyes.  
  
James frowned, reaching for Lily’s hand. _He’s still doped up on the pills._  
  
“How did it go with your eval?” Lily asked softly, squeezing James’ hand.  
  
“The usual. We discussed my alleged reckless behavior. She lectured me about safe sex... I got chlamydia again,” he retorted, shrugging his shoulders.  
  
James glanced over towards Remus, who looked ill.  
  
“I keep telling you to wrap it up, Pads,” James laughed, trying to keep their conversation light, lest he trigger one of Sirius’ mood swings.  
  
“They won’t give me anything to help me sleep,” Sirius whined, pouting.  
  
“How much xanax did you take, Sirius?” Lily prompted, taking a step closer and sitting beside Sirius on the bed.  
  
“I don’t know... Everyone keeps asking me that. I don’t remember. I snorted it. It could have been three bars, it could have been ten. Who even knows.”  
  
“How’s your head? Mrs. Potter said that you have a concussion,” Remus asked nervously, speaking for the first time since they had entered the room.  
  
“S’fine, right now. I’m sure it’ll hurt like a bitch tomorrow. Or when I’m coming down off of the xanax,” Sirius replied dully, wringing his hands in his lap.  
  
The foursome remained silent for a moment, each occupied in their own thoughts.  
  
Sirius cleared his throat tentatively, breaking the silence of the room. “I’m fine you know, guys. It was an accident. You don’t... You don’t have to worry about me.”  
  
James, Lily, and Remus exchanged looks, trying and failing to mask their doubtful expressions. “Sure, Sirius. We know,” James replied, shoving his hands into his pockets. “We know you’re fine.”

* * *

James knocked on Sirius’ bedroom door, unsure of whether or not he was awake. Upon returning home, Sirius had gone straight to his room, where he had remained in bed for the past three days. He had tried to speak to him, to get some sort of gauge on what Sirius’ mental state was, to no avail. _He’s crashing._ He’d slept nearly the entire time he’d been home, responding to James’ attempts at conversation with little more than the occasional sigh and _I don’t want to talk about this, right now._  
  
“Yeah?” Sirius called out, sounding far more alert than he had since James had first seen him in the hospital.  
  
“You got a minute?” James asked.  
  
“Door’s unlocked.”  
  
Carefully, James turned the doorknob, entering Sirius’ bedroom. The lights were all off, but Sirius was sitting up in bed, a vast improvement from the fetal position he’d been lying in for the past three days. “So,” James began, taking a seat at the foot of the bed. “We should probably talk about this.”  
  
Sirius sighed, covering his face with his hands. “I already _told_ you, James. It was an _accident_.”  
  
“Have you been taking your antibiotic?”  
  
“Yes,” Sirius retorted, rolling his eyes.  
  
“Good. How’s your head?”  
  
“It finally feels like I don’t have a horrible migraine.”  
  
"That’s good. Mum said that you’ve agreed to go and talk to someone. That’s good,” James started, carefully watching Sirius’ expression.  
  
Sirius glared, pressing his lips firmly together. “The psychiatrist at the hospital recommended that I see someone to get a complete evaluation.”  
  
“It couldn’t hurt, right?” James noted lightly, trying his best to smile.  
  
“They think I’m crazy, James,” Sirius snapped. “They’re right, I guess. I’m crazy. I’m fucking crazy.”  
  
“You’re not crazy, Sirius,” James retorted, eyeing Sirius with concern. “Lily goes to therapy and she’s not crazy.”  
  
“I feel crazy, though. That’s the problem,” Sirius replied, pulling his knees to his chest and hugging them. “It’s like I don’t know why I even do the things that I do. I just.... I don’t want to be crazy, Jamie.”

* * *

Sirius arrived at Dr. Fairgood’s office, half an hour early. He had taken his car, a BMW gifted to him by his parents before they had disowned him. Mrs. Potter had insisted, claiming that the roads were too slick to be riding about on his motorbike. He checked in at the front desk before depositing himself into one of the chairs in the waiting room. He glanced about the decor; dim lighting, a taupe colored carpet, a noise machine to ensure the privacy of whoever was in the midst of a therapy session. He pulled out his phone, scrolling through his messages. James. Remus. Mark. He frowned, clicking on Remus’ name. He carefully scanned the message: **How are you feeling? Let’s catch up when you’re feeling up to it**  
  
He smiled. Remus was the best sort of friend. He had always felt safer confiding in him than he had anyone else, including James. Remus always listened carefully, was always patient as Sirius struggled to string together the words to explain what he was feeling. James was pushy; he’d interrupt Sirius mid-sentence, questioning him, demanding further explanation. Remus just listened, taking it all in and never passing judgment.  
  
“Sirius Black?”  
  
Sirius glanced up, tucking his phone back into his pocket. “Yeah,” he said softly, rising to his feet.  
  
“I’m Dr. Fairgood. I’m ready for you now,” she said warmly, motioning towards her office.  
  
Sirius nodded, following her into the room, taking a seat on the couch furthest away from her desk, as she shut the door.  
  
“So,” she began, smiling warmly, “why don’t you tell me a little about yourself?”  
  
Sirius sighed, staring down at his feet. “I thought my records were sent over.”  
  
“They were. But I’d like for you to tell me a little about yourself. I like to get to know my patients. Just the basics, if you’re uncomfortable. Tell me your age, whether you’re in school,” she replied, procuring a notepad from a drawer.  
  
Sirius nodded. “I’m nineteen. I’m studying pharmacology at UCL.”  
  
“What year are you in?”  
  
Sirius frowned, biting his lower lip. “I should be starting my second year this upcoming fall,” he said finally, staring down at the floor.  
  
“What do you mean by _should be_?”  
  
Sirius sighed heavily. “The university has put me on a mandatory medical leave, for at least the fall semester.”  
  
Dr. Fairgood nodded, watching him carefully. “If I might ask, why would they do that?”  
  
“Word got around that I tried to kill myself. Other students in my program complained about me, saying that I was unstable,” Sirius muttered, his eyes glued to the floor. “My friends don’t know yet. Or the Potters. Haven’t told anyone, actually.”  
  
“Do you think that this mandated medical leave was necessary?” she asked.  
  
Sirius shrugged. “I don’t know... I mean... I don’t know. I don’t know how to feel about it. I just don’t care, I guess.”  
  
Fairgood nodded, scribbling something down on her pad. “I’m going to ask you a series of questions, Sirius. Standard initial patient intake, alright?”  
  
Sirius nodded, arms folded against his chest. “Let’s get it over with.”  
  
“Do you feel depressed, sad, or burned out?”  
  
“No.” _Yes_.  
  
“Have you ever had any feelings of wanting to harm yourself?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
"Have you ever tried to harm yourself?"  
  
Sirius rolled his eyes. “Yes. You have my file. Just consult that for the details,” he scoffed.  
  
Dr. Fairgood eyed him silently for a moment, before turning her attention to the pad in front of her, scribbling something down. “Do you have a problem with anger, such as losing your temper?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“Do you have more of a temper when drinking or using?”  
  
“No.” _Yes._  
  
“Do you resent being given advice?”  
  
“No.” _Yes._  
  
“Are you anxious or nervous?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“Do you feel separated from other people like it is you against the world?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“Do you feel guilty about drinking or using chemicals?”  
  
Sirius frowned. “I didn’t say that I-”  
  
“Sirius, your urinalysis while in the hospital tested positive for xanax and cocaine,” Fairgood interrupted, scribbling something down on her pad.  
  
“I don’t know... Yes? No? I only feel guilty when people make me feel guilty. It doesn’t stop me, though,” Sirius muttered, crossing his arms against his chest.  
  
“Does anyone in your family have a history of alcoholism or substance abuse?”  
  
Sirius laughed coldly, his lips twisting into a sneer. “My mum is a raging alcoholic.”  
  
“How does the future look to you at this time?”  
  
“Bleak. Fucking bleak.”  
  
“What types of things give you this feeling?”  
  
“I don’t know. I try not to think about it.”  
  
“Why?”  
  
“Because I don’t _want_ to, okay? Things aren’t working out as I hoped they would. But it’s fine. Maybe I’ll get lucky and die in a car crash or something,” Sirius muttered, staring down at the ground.  
  
“How long have you had these thoughts, of hoping that you would somehow end up dying?” Fairgood asked, her pen pressed to paper.  
  
“I don’t know. For as long as I can remember, I guess,” Sirius replied, shrugging.  
  
“Sirius, what you described is passive suicidal ideation.”  
  
Sirius shrugged. “I’m not suicidal. I didn’t say I wanted to kill myself, that I’d do something to attempt to kill myself.”  
  
“Passive or active, suicidal ideation is suicidal ideation,” Fairgood stated firmly, eyeing him with concern.

* * *

It took less than a week for Sirius to fall back into old habits. It started small at first; staying out until the wee hours of the morning, and then slipping back into the house as the sun came up. Every time James attempted to talk to him, he smelt the faintest hint of whiskey on Sirius’ breath, regardless of the hour of the day. It quickly became apparent he’d been drinking, and heavily; James was well aware of the countless empty bottles tossed into the recycling bin. Sirius suddenly began to bring Mark around, inviting him to spend the night, presumably to partake in activities far less innocent than snuggling and watching movies. James found it safe to assume that Sirius wasn’t sleeping much, if the dark circles under his eyes were any indication. When he actually made an appearance at meals, Sirius immediately rushed off afterwards, the familiar sound of running water coming from his upstairs bathroom. To mask the sound of vomiting, James suspected. _Not that he’s fooling anyone._ James turned a blind eye to the empty pill bottles in Sirius’ trash can, fearful to set Sirius off into one his infamous rages. Then, without a word to anyone, he disappeared, text messages and calls to his cell phone blatantly ignored.  
  
“I don't understand how he can just brush it off, like it's no big deal,” James complained as he took a sip of coffee. Lily had asked him to meet her at a coffee shop not far from university, as she was taking a summer course.  
  
Lily shrugged, taking a sip from her own mug. “That's just Sirius' coping mechanism. Carrying on as if the incident never occurred.”  
  
“Lils, he needs to deal with his issues. He keeps ending up in the hospital,” James retorted, frowning. He stared down into his coffee, brooding.  
  
Lily frowned, gazing down into her own coffee mug. “That's part of the problem, James. Sirius has never learned how to fucking deal with anything.”  
  
James sighed. “He's been out for three days now.... do you think I should be worried?”  
  
Lily sighed heavily, glancing up to look at him. “You know Sirius better than anyone, James. We all know Sirius is his own worst enemy. I don’t doubt for a second he’s up to something destructive.”  
  
“So what do we do?” James asked, pleadingly. _Tell me what to do, Lils. Please. Tell me how to help him._  
  
“There’s really nothing we _can_ do, love,” Lily sighed, taking a dainty sip of her coffee. “He’s an adult. All we can do is wait for him to bottom out... And be there to pick him back up again when he does.”

* * *

Remus woke to the sound of knocking at his front door. He froze, gazing towards the clock on his dresser: 3 A.M. “What in the world,” he muttered, wiping sleep from his eyes. As his brain began to process what was happening, it quickly dawned on him: Sirius. _Who else would show up knocking on my door at 3am?_ Still half asleep, he dragged himself from bed, answering the door. Sirius gazed up at him, his gray eye wide, pupils dilated. _He’s high._  
  
“Moony!” Sirius shouted, throwing his arms around his neck. “I missed you.”  
  
“ I missed you too, Sirius. What brings you around these parts?” Remus asked, closing the door behind them. He led Sirius into the kitchen, motioning for him to take a seat.  
  
“I just wanted to see you,”Sirius replied, rapping his fingers lightly on the kitchen table. “I've been thinking, Moony.”  
  
“Oh?” Remus asked, preparing a kettle for tea. _It's going to be a long night. He'll be up chattering for hours._  
  
“Let's go to America, Moony! I want to go on an adventure. I've been reading that book you tried getting me to read back in fifth form. On the Road. We should do it! Just say fuck it all and fly over there. We can rent a car and travel the country. It’ll be brilliant,” Sirius exclaimed, a wide grin plastered on his face.  
  
Remus laughed, shaking his head. “Sirius, just a flight to America would be a fortune. And it'd take us weeks to travel cross country. America is huge. It'd take at least a week to get from New York to California.”  
  
“But think of how amazing it would be! We could go to concerts, see bands that never come around here. Visit the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. I want to go, Moony! Please go with me!” Sirius pleaded, eyeing Remus expectantly.  
  
“We’ll be back at school in a little less than two month’s time, Sirius,” Remus replied, pouring two mugs full of hot water, steeping the tea bags.  
  
Sirius shrugged, glancing down at his phone. “Fucking Marlene has been blowing up my phone all night,” he whined, abruptly changing the subject.  
  
“Oh?”Remus asked, taking a sip of his drink. He placed a mug before Sirius, taking a seat across from him at the table.  
  
“She's all depressed over Fabian Prewett breaking up with her. Looking for a pity shag, I suppose.”  
  
“So why didn't you? I mean, it's there, so why not?” Remus queried, unable to contain his curiosity. _I’ve never known him to turn down an easy shag_  
  
Sirius shrugged. “She's a lousy lay. Just lies there all rigid. No thanks. Some birds are alright, but her...” he grimaced, shaking his head.  
  
“Where have you been the past few days? James has been worried.”  
  
“Mark's,” Sirius replied, bringing his mug of tea to his lips, taking a deep sip.  
  
“So, where is Mark now?” Remus pressed, eyeing Sirius expectantly.  
  
Sirius’ expression darkened, anger welling up in his eyes. “We had a row.”  
  
Remus eyed him carefully,scrutinizing his features. Under closer examination he saw blood on Sirius’ hands, his knuckles cut up. The slightest beginnings of a bruise was beginning to form along his jaw.  
  
“What happened?” Remus asked, reaching out to touch his face.  
  
“What is this, Remus, twenty questions?” Sirius replied sharply, his hand immediately reaching to cover the bruise. “It's nothing. Just a little bruise.”  
  
“Did he hit you?” Remus asked, nearly dropping his cup of tea.  
  
“It's fine. I didn't even feel it.”  
  
“What happened with him? Why in god’s name would he hit you, Sirius?”  
  
“He wanted to see other people. Naturally I reacted badly... I suppose I should have figured,” he muttered, sulking. “Everyone leaves. Everyone gets sick of me. “  
  
Remus watched nervously, unnerved by the sudden shift in Sirius’ mood.  
  
“I don't know why I even try. I'm just not capable of being loved.”  
  
“Don't say that, Padfoot,” Remus said gently, reaching forward and placing his hand over Sirius’. As much as Remus disliked Sirius’ manic states, he found his depressive ones to be far worse.  
  
“So did you break up?” he asked, struggling to remain calm.  
  
Sirius shrugged. “Not really. After we both got a few swings in, I stormed off. Went and fucked Nate. If I don't matter to him, he doesn't matter to me. Nate is bound to tell him that I shagged him. That'll put him in a right state. Bloody wanker. I bet he was already shagging someone else. Probably that ginger I saw him checking out on Grindr,” he muttered, staring despondently into his tea.  
  
Sirius pulled his phone out of his pocket, glanced down the screen, then glared at it. Remus watched, surprised, as he angrily slammed the phone down, shaking the rickety kitchen table.  
  
“Expecting a text from someone?” Remus asked.  
  
“Yeah... It’s fine, though. No worries.”  
  
The pair sat in silence for quite some time, Sirius glancing at his phone every five minutes. Remus watched him carefully as he hastily typed away before slamming his phone down again.  
  
“Sirius,” Remus started, struggling to maintain his composure. “It’s like four in the morning. Who are you trying to get a hold of?”  
  
“No one,” Sirius replied quickly, covering the screen of his phone with his hand.  
  
“Sirius.”  
  
Sirius sighed, crossing his arms against his chest. “Christ,” he huffed, rolling his eyes. “Not that it’s any of your business, but if you _must_ know, I’m trying to get a hold of my dealer.”  
  
Remus stared, startled by Sirius’ sudden confession.  
  
“I’m trying to get some more cocaine so I can get through the rest of the day. Before I start coming down... I’m not ready to come down,” he snapped, shooting Remus a furious look.  
  
“You’re just going to come down harder if you keep trying to put it off,” Remus replied, sounding far more calm than he actually felt.  
  
Remus sighed, covering his face with his hands. “Sirius, please. You know I hate when you’re like this.”  
  
“Fine,” Sirius snapped, rising to his feet. “So sorry to be such a _burden_ to you. I’ll just be going, then.”  
  
“Sirius, stop,” Remus replied, standing as well.  
  
He took a step towards his friend, placing a hand gently on his shoulder. “It’s late. You know that I didn’t mean it like that. Come on. I”ll draw you a bath. You can take a xanax. That should help you come down. Then you can sleep it off,” Remus begged, eyeing his friend pleadingly.  
  
Sirius sighed. “Fine,” he agreed, his arms hanging loosely at his sides. “Fine.”

Remus sat in his small sitting room, trying and failing to focus on the book lying open in his hands. Though he was on break from university for the summer, he was taking advantage of the free time to read ahead for his courses in the fall. Down the hall, Sirius was in the bathroom, the door opened just a crack. The soothing vocals of Ben Gibbard could be heard lowly from the room. Remus strained his ears, trying to determine which track he was on. _I want so badly to believe that there is truth and that love is real..._ Remus breathed a sigh of relief. _Still another entire song before I need to grab him._  
  
As he heard the opening of _This Place is a Prison_ , Remus rose to his feet, making his way towards the bathroom. He knocked to announce his presence before entering the room. “Sirius,” Remus said softly, carefully padding into the room.  
  
Sirius was stretched out in the bathtub, one arm dangling over the edge of the tub, his eyes shut, a faint smile etched on his face. “Let’s get you to bed,” he said calmly, lighting brushing Sirius’ arm.  
  
“Hmmm... What?” Sirius mumbled, opening his eyes.  
  
“Time to get to bed. You had a nice soak. Alright, Siri?” Remus asked, careful to keep his tone calm and gentle.  
  
“Okay,” Sirius agreed, nodding his head.  
  
Carefully, Remus helped Sirius to his feet and out of the tub, wrapping him in a towel. “Whoa,” Remus gasped, taking a step back in surprise as he felt Sirius press against him, leaning his weight against him. “How much did you take?” Remus asked, his heart pounding harder as he felt bare skin, still warm from the hot bath water, wrap around his neck.  
  
Mindful of Sirius’ impaired coordination, Remus helped Sirius to his bedroom, taking care to insure that he did not stumble. Sirius clumsily pulled on his boxers, discarding his towel on the floor. He crawled into bed, laying flat on his back, the thin comforter only partially pulled up to cover him. As Remus reached over him to pull the covers all the way up, he felt familiar callused hands grasp the back of his neck, pulling him closer. Warm lips pressed against his, applying light pressure before pulling away. “Love you, Moony,” Sirius mumbled, shutting his eyes as he rolled over onto his side, his legs curling up with him.  
  
Remus stood there for a moment, his fingers lightly brushing over his lips, his heart racing. _What is going on?_ He listened as Sirius’ breathing fall into the slow, even pattern of sleep. He sighed, staring down at Sirius’ sleeping form. “Love you, too,” he whispered, fishing his cell phone from out of his right pocket. Opening the group text with Lily and James, he carefully typed a message, pressing send: **He’s here. He’s safe.**


	3. Maybe I'll Win, But For Now I've Decided to Die

“How is he? James asked, over a cup of tea.  
  
“He's fine,” Remus assured him, calmly taking a sip from his own cup.   
  
“What happened? Did he tell you why he decided to come here?”  
  
Remus frowned, unsure of how much to say. “He was high, James. Had to lure him into a hot bath with a promise of xanax to convince him to stay. He was texting his dealer, at four in the morning.”  
  
Lily sighed, delicately lifting her cup to her mouth. “Sounds like Sirius. I'm glad you got him to stay... you know how he is. If he couldn't get a hold of his dealer, he probably would have ended up wandering the streets, trying to buy an eight-ball that'd probably be cut with who knows what.”  
  
“Good point,” Remus agreed. “Dunno how much xanax he took, but he's been out since about six this morning. Best to let him just sleep it off. He needs the rest.”  
  
“He's still going to be miserable when he wakes up,” James noted.  
  
Remus shrugged. “I know, but I'd rather deal with that than him coming down off of coke.”  
  
James nodded, rising to his feet. “I'm going to give mum a call, let her know where he is.”  
  
Once James excused himself from the kitchen, Lily pounced on him, staring expectantly. “What else happened?” she asked.   
  
Remus sighed. “Nothing. I'm tired Lils, it was a crazy night.”  
  
“Remus.”  
  
He sighed, defeated. “You can't tell James. He'll go mental.”  
  
“Of course,” she replied, agreeably.  
  
“Mark hit him. He's got a nasty looking bruise on his jaw,” Remus said grimly, frowning.  
  
“What? Why would he... is Sirius alright?” Lily sputtered.  
  
Remus sighed heavily. “They had a fight of sorts. Mark tried to break things off with him, wanting to see other people, and Sirius went ballistic. It got physical and I assume he gave as well as he got.”  
  
“Anything else?” she prompted.  
  
Remus sighed. “He went and shagged Nate Milgore before coming here. To rub it in Mark’s face.”  
  
Lily offered him a sympathetic pat on the arm. “I'm sorry, Rem. I know it's hard for you to have to watch him... being like this.”  
  
Remus shrugged. “It's fine. What can you do, that's just who he is, right?”  
  
“Still, he trusts you more than he does the rest of us. You're the one he has a special bond with,” Lily replied, gripping her tea firmly in her hands.  
  
“Yeah right,” Remus snorted, shaking his head dismissively.   
  
“He came here, didn't he? You're the one he feels safe with. He ignored mine and James’ calls and texts for three days,” Lily insisted, gesturing towards him.  
  
“He ignored mine too, Lils.”  
  
“Still, Rem. He came to you. He could have gone home, but he came to you.”   
  
“Probably because he didn't want the Potters to see him coked out of his mind... you know he tries to keep things, the ugly things, from James,” Remus muttered darkly, staring down into his cup.   
  
“Did you play him his favorite album?” Lily asked, smirking.   
  
“It wouldn't be a xanax bath without the Postal Service, Lils,” Remus retorted, smiling sheepishly.  
  
“Remus Lupin, you are such a sap,” Lily laughed, shaking her head.  
  
Remus flushed, thinking of Sirius’ kiss. “Oh my god, you are totally blushing right now. You really are a sap, Remus. What happened?” she asked, eyeing him intently.  
  
Remus laughed, shrugging his shoulders. “It's nothing, really.”   
  
“Tell me.”  
  
“He kissed me when I was putting him to bed last night,” Remus replied, shrugging his shoulders.  
  
Lily's eyes widened, her lips forming a perfect ‘o’ of surprise. “Oh my god. Tell me everything.”  
  
“It was nothing Lily,” Remus scoffed, reaching for his tea. “He was fucked up on xanax, barely conscious. I had to half-carry him out of the bath and into bed to make sure he didn't fall.”  
  
“Well how did he kiss you?” Lily pressed, her eyes boring holes into Remus’.  
  
Remus shrugged, his cheeks flushing a pale pink. “It was just a peck. He wrapped his hands around my neck while I was pulling the comforter over him and pulled me close to him, pressing his lips to mine. And he...” he trailed off, shaking his head. “It's stupid. And totally sappy. Especially because it meant nothing since he was barely cognitive.”  
  
“What did he say Rem?”  
  
“He said ‘I love you, Moony’.”  
  
“I still don't understand why you can't just tell him how you feel,” Lily scoffed, rolling her eyes.  
  
“Isn't it obvious, Lils?”  
  
“I think you'd be surprised at what his reaction would be if you'd put yourself out there.”  
  
“I can’t. James would be furious. We're all supposed to be best mates. I can't break up the dynamic of the group.”  
  
“James is a twit. You're in love with him, Remus. Stop putting yourself through heartache and tell him how you feel,” Lily said sharply.   
  
Remus sighed, staring down into his tea. “Look at him, Lily. How could I ever hope to measure up to the kind of guys Sirius sleeps with? He's fucking gorgeous. And smart. And funny. And rich. He has it all. What could I give him?”  
  
Lily shook her head. “You're forgetting all the other things about Sirius. He's insecure. Needy. Unstable. Impulsive. I think someone like you is exactly what Sirius needs.”

* * *

Slowly, Remus opened the door to his bedroom, taking care to be quiet, in case Sirius was still asleep. “Hey, you're awake.”  
  
“How long have I been out?” Sirius asked groggily, pushing hair from out of his eyes.  
  
“Not too long. Maybe twelve hours,” Remus replied, standing awkwardly in the doorway.  
  
Sirius nodded, staring down at his lap. “Do you remember coming here last night?” Remus asked, taken aback by Sirius’ sudden quietness. _He’s never usually this reserved._  
  
Sirius nodded. “Of course.”  
  
“When’s the last time you ate something?” Remus queried, glancing at him nervously.  
  
Again, Sirius shrugged. “I don't remember.”  
  
“I'll make you scrambled eggs, if you'd like. Or egg whites, if that'd be easier on your- “  
  
“Scrambled eggs would be fine,” Sirius interrupted. “Thanks.”   
  
The pair sat at the kitchen table, each engrossed in their meal. Remus watched in silence as Sirius took precisely three bites of his eggs before taking a sip of water. Sirius glanced up, observing Remus observing him, and lowered his fork to the table, not meeting Remus’ eyes. “I hope I didn't burn the eggs too badly this time,” Remus said lightly, attempting to dismiss his blatant staring.   
  
Sirius laughed. “No, you did good.”  
  
“How are you feeling?” Remus asked, taking a bite of his eggs.  
  
“Alright,” Sirius mumbled, staring down at his plate.   
  
“You don't have to say you're fine just to appease me, Pads. I want to know.”   
  
Sirius sighed. “I don't know, Moony... low. Just really, really low.”  
  
“Is there anything I could do to help?” Remus asked lightly.  
  
Sirius shrugged. “I don't know. Could I stay with you for a few days?”  
  
“Of course. You know you're always welcome here,” Remus assured him, offering him a slight smile.  
  
“Did you tell James I'm here?” he asked lowly.  
  
“Yeah. He and Lils stopped by earlier... you were sleeping, so I didn’t wake you. I figured you needed your rest,” Remus replied, shrugging slightly.  
  
“He's pissed at me, eh?”  
  
“No, he's not mad. Just worried.”   
  
“You guys don't need to worry about me.... I'm fine,” Sirius muttered, lifting his fork and stabbing his eggs.  
  
Remus sighed, biting his lower lip. “Okay. Okay. “

* * *

The two lounged about on the couch, Remus on one end, Sirius on the other. Remus read his book, trying to focus on the words and not Sirius, who was stretched out on the couch, watching television. “I saw a new therapist,” Sirius noted, eyes still glued to the television screen.  
  
“Oh?” Remus asked, glancing up from his book. He frowned at the television screen; Ed Westwick was kissing some vaguely attractive man. “I don't know how you watch this trash, Sirius,” he noted, laughing.  
  
“It's good. Gossip girl was the voice of our generation, Moony,” Sirius replied, matter-of-factly. “Besides, Ed is hot. Especially when he's playing an American.” He growled, shooting the TV an appreciative look.  
  
“You are so bent, I can't even stand it,” Remus snorted, shutting his book and placing it beside him.  
  
Sirius grinned. “Like you've never watched it. I know you and Lils always watched girly things together on the telly.”  
  
“I know, I know, Sirius. Just taking the piss.”  
  
“Did you like your new therapist?” he asked, at last responding to Sirius’ initial comment.  
  
Sirius shrugged. “I don't know. Only had one session. it's hard to have any real opinion one way or another.”  
  
“Ah. So it was just the initial session?” Remus asked.  
  
“Yep,” Sirius affirmed, brushing a strand of hair behind his ear.  
  
“Did she give a diagnosis?”  
  
Sirius sighed. “No. Not really. I never ask. If they choose to tell me, so be it, but I'm happier not knowing.”  
  
Remus nodded. “Are you going to go back?”  
  
“I don't know...” Sirius muttered, staring down at his lap.  
  
“Sirius.”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“I know you don't want to talk about it with me, but you kind of have a lot going on in your life. You've had some close calls and I'd be lying to both of us if I said I wasn't worried. It might be good for you to see someone so you have someone to talk to that's impartial. You need to talk to someone,” Remus said slowly, each word carefully thought out.  
  
Sirius frowned. “I'll think about it.” 

* * *

Remus took a sip of his drink, carefully gazing around at his surroundings; he had arrived at Marlene McKinnon’s party less than an hour earlier, and had already been left to his own devices. James and Lily were talking with Alice and Frank in the corner, presumably about football. Sirius had disappeared almost instantly upon arrival, lips locked with Mark, the pair newly re-involved. He sighed heavily, taking another sip of his drink, shuddering from the strong taste of liquor. _I hate vodka._ He glanced about the room, searching for Sirius. _He’s probably off shagging that blond git upstairs, somewhere._ He sighed, frowning deeply. _It’s none of your business, though. Even if he is a right git for getting back together with someone who hit him._ He raised his glass to his lips, taking a swig of the drink, wincing as the cheap vodka burned his throat going down. He rose to his feet, deciding to wander around a bit. _No point in sitting alone, all night._  
  
Remus heard yelling from the kitchen. Curious, he peeked his head through the door, coming to a halt as he caught sight of Sirius and Mark, in the midst of a quarrel. "All I was saying is that I don't like when you drink this much, Siri. You see how you get... you've had enough,” Mark stated angrily, gesturing towards the half empty bottle of Jack Daniel’s clutched in Sirius' hand.  
  
“I don't fucking care whether you like it or not, Mark,” Sirius spat, shooting the boy a haughty grin.   
  
He smirked, tossing his head back and taking a long swig from the bottle. “If you don’t like it, break up with me. I don’t give a fuck.”  
  
Mark shook his head, rolling his eyes. “Listen to yourself, you're not even making sense. You drink too much, Sirius. How many times are we going to have this conversation?”  
  
Sirius rolled his eyes. “I don't know what you're talking about, I'm just fine,” he scoffed, taking another sip from the bottle.   
  
“You're getting out of control, give me that,” Mark started, reaching for the bottle.   
  
“Fuck you!” Sirius shouted, hurtling the bottle directly behind Mark, at the wall.   
  
Remus cringed as the glass shattered, mouth agape as Mark shoved Sirius backward. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” he screamed.   
  
“Fuck you, Mark. Get the fuck away from me,” Sirius shouted, shoving him back.   
  
Mark reached out to grab Sirius’ arm but Sirius moved quicker, his fist colliding with Mark’s jaw. Mark swung back, the sickening sound of tooth against bone as his fist collided with Sirius’ mouth, splitting his bottom lip. Sirius took another swing, spitting blood at Mark. Remus sprung into action, rushing forward, grabbing Sirius from behind. “Sirius, come on. Let's go,” he hissed, pulling him back as Sirius resisted.   
  
“Don’t ever call me, again. Stay away from me, you're fucking psychotic,” Mark yelled, rubbing his jaw.   
  
“Fuck you,” Sirius taunted. “Don't worry, I'd rather fuck Nate Milgore than let your cock near me ever again.” He paused, looking thoughtful, despite the blood dribbling down his chin, onto his shirt. “Oh wait, I've already been fucking him. This entire time. You're nothing. Nothing!”   
  
Mark wrinkled his nose in distaste. “Shocker. You're a filthy whore. _Worthless._ No wonder no one wants you for more than an easy lay.”  
  
Sirius opened his mouth to respond but paused, distracted by the sound of the kitchen door swinging open.  
  
“What's going on?” James asked, entering the room. He caught sight of Sirius, blood trickling down his chin and paled.   
  
“Remus, get him in the car. We're going home.”  
  
Remus nodded, pulling a struggling Sirius along. “Sirius, come on,” he muttered, tugging on his sleeve.   
  
“I don't want to. It's a fucking party, Moony. There's no way I'm going home without getting laid tonight.”  
  
“Sirius, your lip is split open. We need to go home and get you cleaned up,” Remus replied, ignoring Sirius’ remark.

* * *

Once back at the Potter residence, James took charge of cleaning Sirius up, leading him upstairs into the bathroom. Lily and Remus waited downstairs in the kitchen. “Drinks?” Lily asked, eyeing Remus critically.   
  
“Please.”  
  
Lily procured a bottle of whiskey from the Potters’ liquor cabinet. Remus reached for the bottle, shakily pouring himself a glass. He brought the glass to his lips, chugging it down. He winced as he felt the burn of liquor down his throat.   
  
“Are you okay?” Lily asked, grabbing the bottle and pouring herself a drink.   
  
“No.”   
  
He poured himself another drink. “Why does he do this to himself?”  
  
“I know it's hard, Rem, but- “  
  
“What if I were to get as drunk as he is? Sirius loves a good hard shag when he's sloshed. He wouldn't remember if we...”  
  
“Remus, you know you don't want it to be that way.”  
  
“Who cares? I just don't want him to keep hurting himself.”  
  
“What do you want, Remus? To let him hurt you instead?”  
  
Remus sighed, shrugging his shoulders. “I know, you’re right. I would never do that... I just. I hate it, Lils. I kept hoping that _this_ is something he’d grow out of, but he keeps getting worse. All the drinking and the drugs and the fighting...” he sighed, lowering his head onto the table, squeezing his eyes shut.  
  
“Mental illness isn’t something that you just _grow out of,_ Remus,” Lily said warningly, a hint of coldness in her voice.   
  
“I’m sorry, Lily. I didn’t mean it that way. Let me rephrase that. I thought that he’d have learned better ways to cope with and manage it, by now,” he replied, lifting his head to face her.  
  
Lily smiled. “Better. Sirius still hasn’t come to terms with it. I’ve said it to you and James a million times already; Sirius has never, _ever_ learned how to _deal_ with anything.”  
  
“I still think you should tell him how you feel,” she added.  
  
“I keep telling you, it’s not that simple,” Remus sighed, reaching for the bottle of whiskey.  
  
“Let’s put this away before James comes back down. I think he’s rather keen on the idea of sobering Sirius up some,” Lily said softly, grabbing the bottle from out of Remus’ reach. “I’ll brew some coffee.”  
  
Remus grabbed the glasses from off the kitchen table, rinsing them in the sink. “Why are you so insistent on getting me to tell him, anyway?” he asked, glancing over at Lily as she measured out coffee beans.  
  
She rolled her eyes, placing a hand on her right hip. “Because I love you, Remus, and I love Sirius, and I want to see the both of you happy,” she stated.   
  
“But what about James-”  
  
“All James wants is to see Sirius with someone who makes him happy. Someone who keeps him safe, and brings out the best in him... not the worst,” Lily interrupted.  
  
The two froze as they heard the clambering of feet coming down the stairs.   
  
“What’d we miss?” James asked, slinking his arm around Lily’s waist and pecking a kiss on her cheek.  
  
“Just brewing a pot of coffee,” Lily replied, resting her head on his shoulder.   
  
“Right, then. So, shall we watch a movie?” James asked, nodding towards the lounge. 

* * *

After about an hour, Lily and James retired to James’ room, presumably for some privacy. “How's your lip, Pads?” Remus asked, glancing at him from the couch. Sirius had curled into an armchair in the corner of the room, and had been staring down into his mug of coffee for nearly a half hour, his cell phone clenched in his right hand.  
  
Sirius shrugged. “It's fine, I guess.”   
  
“You feeling alright?”  
  
“He won't answer my texts.”  
  
Remus frowned. “I'm sorry, Sirius. I know you liked him.”  
  
“He's right, I guess.”  
  
“Right about what?”  
  
“No one wants me. All I'm good for is a cheap lay.”  
  
Remus sighed heavily, watching as tears trickled down Sirius’ cheeks.   
  
“I don't want to be that guy, Moony. I don't. I try to be different, to be good... but this is all I'm good at and at least it's better than...” he trailed off, wiping his nose with his sleeve.  
  
“Better than what, Pads?”  
  
“Than being alone. I don't want to be alone.”  
  
Remus sighed. “It's getting late. You should get to bed... It’s been a long night.”  
  
“Will you lay with me?” Sirius asked in a small voice.   
  
“Of course,” Remus agreed, rising to his feet. “Come on, then.”  
  
Remus helped Sirius undress, settling him into bed with a glass of water. “I'm not thirsty,” he complained.   
  
“You'll thank me in the morning, Pads. You've had a lot to drink. You'll have a nasty hangover.”  
  
Sirius sighed heavily. He reached towards his side table, grabbing his cell phone.  
  
“You're not worthless, Sirius, I hope you know that,” Remus said softly, nervously shoving his hands in his pockets.  
  
Sirius shrugged. “I just wish I could have what James has. He's always been so sure about Lily. Always. And they're both crazy about each other. I want... I want someone to look at me like he looks at Lily. You know?” he asked, staring up at Remus.  
  
Remus sighed. “Of course, but you're only nineteen, Sirius. You still have plenty of time to meet the right one for you.”  
  
Again, Sirius shrugged, staring down at his lap. “I guess so.”

* * *

Remus woke to the sound of Sirius retching in the bathroom. “Sirius, you okay?” he called out, pausing at the bathroom door.   
  
He carefully entered the room, stepping in to pull Sirius’ hair from out of his face. “There there, get it all out,” he said calmly, placing a reassuring hand on Sirius’ back. “There ya go.”  
  
“Just kill me already,” Sirius moaned, lowering his head to rest it on the toilet seat.  
  
Remus procured a hair tie from the sink counter, pulling Sirius’ hair up and out of his face. “Ta, mate,” Sirius mumbled as he pulled himself up again in time to be sick into the toilet.  
  
Remus returned to the bedroom, grabbing the now empty glass beside the bed. He went back into the bathroom, Sirius still heaving the contents of his stomach up. He filled the glass with water before turning his attention to the medicine cabinet. He procured a bottle of aspirin before turning his attention back to Sirius. “You think you got it all up?” he asked softly, gently placing his hand on his shoulder.   
  
“Mhmm,” Sirius nodded weakly, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.   
  
“Here, for your head.”  
  
Sirius took the water and aspirin, chugging the four pills down with a gulp of water. “Easy now,” Remus instructed, eyeing him with concern.   
  
“Small sips. If you chug it, you'll be back in here throwing up again. Let your stomach settle.”  
  
Remus helped him back to bed, pulling the comforter down and covering him with only the sheet. “You're warm. Don't want you to overheat.”  
  
“Nurse Moony,” Sirius laughed, snuggling up against his pillow.   
  
Remus laughed. “I got loads of experience at school, taking care of you and James.”  
  
“Come lay with me?” Sirius asked softly.  
  
“Okay,” he agreed, climbing into bed beside him.  
  
“Moony,” Sirius mumbled, lacing his fingers with Remus'. “I'm tired.”  
  
“Try and get some rest, Pads. It's been a long night.”

* * *

Sirius paused for a moment, breathing heavily, as he changed the track on his iPod. James had begged him to go for a run, and he had agreed, figuring that if nothing else it might rid himself of some pent up energy. Shoving the iPod back in his pocket, he resumed running, picking up his pace to catch up to James. “Christ, mate. I thought this was a leisurely jog around the track, not a track meet,” Sirius joked, matching his stride with his friend's.  
  
“You should quit smoking,” James noted, grinning. “Maybe then you could keep up.”  
  
Sirius rolled his eyes; while James had been a football star all through school, Sirius had been just as athletic. However, while James was all about clean-living, Sirius was not. “I'm telling you, you can get enough of an adrenaline rush from good old fashioned exercise, Pads,” James noted, shooting his friend an easy grin.  
  
Sirius laughed. “I still prefer sex, drugs and rock and roll, Prongs.”  
  
James shook his head, grinning. “Don't forget driving fast on your motorbike.”  
  
“Of course! How could I forget that?”  
  
Sirius slumped into a seat at the kitchen island, watching as James rummaged through the refrigerator. The pair had just returned from their run, and he was exhausted. “What are you making me, Jamie?” he asked expectantly, drumming his fingers on the counter-top.  
  
“Green smoothies. To replenish our energy,” James replied, procuring a container of fresh spinach from the vegetable crisper.  
  
Sirius groaned, making a face. “Can you just make me a _good_ smoothie, then? One with bananas and strawberries and yogurt?” he asked hopefully.  
  
“You never said how your appointment went,” James noted, changing the subject.  
  
Sirius sighed heavily. “It went fine. She seemed like an alright sort, I suppose.”  
  
“Do you think she can help you?” James asked, closing the refrigerator.  
  
Sirius frowned. “I don't know what you're inferring, Jamie. I'm fine.”  
  
James turned his head, shooting Sirius a disbelieving look.  
  
“Why can't you just accept that I made a fucking mistake? I don't point out every stupid thing you've done,” Sirius hissed, eyes glowering.  
  
“Sirius,” James said lowly, his expression serious. “You've been hospitalized nearly a dozen times in the past year. You're not taking care of yourself. We're worried because you keep doing these reckless things.”  
  
“Get off my case, James. How can you expect me to do any different when I feel like you're all just waiting at any given moment to point out my every flaw,” Sirius scowled, arms folded against his chest.  
  
“Sirius, it's not like that.”  
  
“Everyone is against me and I hate my fucking life,” Sirius muttered, rising to his feet. Furiously, he stormed upstairs, slamming his bedroom door shut.  
  
James sighed, resting his head against the kitchen counter. _Bloody stubborn git._

* * *

James frowned, searching for his phone charger. _Ugh, must have left it at Lily’s._ He heard the water running in the bathroom. _Sirius must still be in the shower._ “Oi, Sirius,” he called out, rapping lightly on the door. “I left my charger at Lily's. Got a spare I could use?”   
  
“Yeah, sure. It's in my desk somewhere,” Sirius’ called out, his voice faint against the dull thud of water against tile.  
  
James entered Sirius’ room, carefully stepping over the clutter of discarded clothing on the floor. He rummaged through Sirius' desk, searching for a charger. After checking the first drawer, he opened the next, carefully sorting through the jumbled mess. As he removed a pile of papers, he caught a glimpse of the university's letterhead. _What’s this?_ He unfolded the letter, quickly scanning it. James’ stomach dropped, his hands shaking, letter still clutched in his right hand. _Mandatory medical leave._ “Fuck,” he whispered, folding the letter back up and returning it to where he'd found it. _Fuck._ He quickly left the room, all thoughts of finding a charger forgotten. Numbly, he grabbed his phone, hastily typing out a message: **We need to talk about Sirius. ASAP.**


	4. So Much for the Promises I Never Intended to Keep

“So what's going on?” Lily asked expectantly, staring at James from across the kitchen table.  
  
The three had gathered at Remus' to discuss the latest Sirius _incident_. “I found a letter from uni in his desk,” James started, frowning.   
  
“And? Has he been suspended? Did he fail out? What is it?” Remus asked, eyeing him intently.  
  
James sighed. “He's been put out on a mandatory medical leave.”   
  
“Why?” Remus pressed.   
  
James shrugged. “I don't bloody know. If I did, I'd be home talking to him about it. This is a total blindside,” he retorted, a slightly panicked tone to his voice.  
  
Lily frowned, staring down into her cup of tea. “Lily?” James asked softly.   
  
As a chemistry major, Lily had the most interaction with Sirius on campus, due to the overlapping core curriculum. “There were mutterings about him last term. He was showing up late to class or not showing up at all, clothes in disarray. Mary took biochemistry with him and told me he'd come to class high, get bloody noses and all.” She frowned. “There was a lot of talk when he got out of the hospital. It didn't help that he made no attempt to cover up his bandages. Everyone was talking about how he slashed his wrists open. Severus was particularly unkind.”   
  
Remus paled, staring down into his tea. “So what does a medical leave mean? Is it going to keep him from returning to university?” he asked.  
  
Lily frowned. “I dunno. I know people who have taken voluntary medical leaves, but never mandatory ones. I assume he'll have to get medically cleared before he can return.”   
  
“Why wouldn't he tell us?” James asked sadly.   
  
Lily sighed. “He's probably embarrassed. You know how Sirius is, he's a perfectionist. He can't deal with things not turning out the way he wants.”   
  
“But ignoring it isn't helping matters! What are we going to do?” James insisted, smacking the kitchen table with the palm of his hand.  
  
Lily sighed. “I don’t know, James!”  
  
“You’re the cr-” he paused, staring fearfully at Lily’s menacing expression.  
  
“ _What_ were you about to say?” she asked, her green eyes shooting daggers at him.  
  
“I... Lily I didn’t mean, it slipped out, I-”  
  
“No, no... Go ahead and finish what you were saying, James,” she hissed, her lips curling into a scowl.  
  
James glanced helplessly from Remus to Lily, his lower lip quivering. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.  
  
“I’m the _crazy one_ , right? That’s what you were going to say, isn’t it?” she screamed, her face distorting into an expression of total disgust.  
  
“Of course _I_ must know what to do and how to handle this situation, since I’m _crazy_ Lily Evans.”  
  
“Lily, please, I didn’t mean-”  
  
“Fuck you, James,” she spat, rising to her feet.   
  
“Lily, I don’t think he really meant...” Remus started, eyeing her cautiously.  
  
“I expected better from you, James. I thought you _understood_. How dare you demean my personal struggle by writing it off as being crazy. I’m not crazy, James. I have a mental illness. So does Sirius. This attitude you have, that you’ve so arrogantly displayed towards me is _exactly why_ Sirius doesn’t trust you enough to confide in you.”  
  
“You don’t suggest that we just tell him we found the letter, do you?” James asked, mouth agape. “He’d go ballistic.”  
  
“He’ll be angrier the long run if you keep it from him, James! It’s his life! You found out something personal about him inadvertently. He has a right to know that you know.”  
  
“I don’t think we should just out and out tell him without having a plan as to how to cope with the fallout,” Remus noted meekly, looking to James for confirmation.  
  
Lily shook her head, disgusted. “The sooner we break the news to him, the sooner he can come to terms with the reality of his situation and we can start helping him.”  
  
“How are we supposed to help him with this, Lils? I mean... He’s been barred from returning to university,” James said lowly.  
  
“We encourage him to seek help. Remind him that we’re here to support him, _no matter what._ He needs to be able to trust us and feel safe with us. A negative reaction could push him into another whirlwind of self-destructive behavior,” she explained, her arms limply hanging at her sides.  
  
“I think it’s a bit late to prevent the whole self-destructive behavior thing, don’t you think?” James noted, peering at her from over his cup of tea.  
  
“You don’t have a clue, James. There’s so much about him that you don’t know the first thing about,” Lily said calmly, shaking her head.  
  
“He’s my best mate, my brother. What are you talking about?” James asked, his brows furrowed.  
  
Lily laughed, still shaking her head. “You have no idea _how far down_ he could sink, James. He... He tries to keep things from you. The bad things. The ugly sides of him,” she continued.  
  
James glanced at Remus, who nodded his head. “She’s right, James. You really don’t know the half of Sirius’ dark, self-destructive side.” 

* * *

“Sirius,” Lily said softly, lightly rapping on his door-frame. James was at football practice, giving her a prime opportunity of privacy to speak with Sirius.   
  
“What's up, Lils?” he asked, glancing up from his laptop. “James is at football practice, I think.”   
  
“Can we talk?” she asked, taking a step into the room.   
  
“Sure,” he agreed, shutting the laptop closed and placing it beside him. “What's up?”   
  
“James found a letter from university in your desk,” she said calmly, deciding it would be best to be forward about the matter.  
  
Sirius remained silent for a moment, realization dawning on his face. He stared at her, waiting for her to continue.  
  
“He told Remus and I, not sure about how he should react. But I thought you deserved to know that we're all aware,” she concluded, nervously toying with a strand of her coppery locks.  
  
“Nice to see my best mate has been sneaking around behind my back,” Sirius scoffed, shaking his head.  
  
“Sirius, you have a right to be angry. I can empathize with where you're coming from. But he only did what he did out of love. He wanted to get our advice first on how to react and broach the subject with you. You know James is shite at reacting to things. He didn't want to make things worse.”   
  
Sirius nodded, still frowning. “Right, then.”   
  
“Are you angry at us?”  
  
“No.”  
  
“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked, hopefully.  
  
“Nope,” he sneered, arms folded against his chest.  
  
Lily sighed. “Sirius, I just-”  
  
“Would you mind giving me some privacy, Lils? I don't feel much like having company, right now,” he interrupted, shooting her a pointed look.  
  
Lily sighed. “Of course. But Sirius please, can you do something for me?”  
  
“What?”   
  
“Promise me you'll be safe?” she choked, tears welling up in her eyes. “I know when you're angry and upset you can be... just stay safe tonight, please.”   
  
Sirius nodded dismissively, pointedly looking towards the door. “You can go now.”

* * *

Sirius wasn't sure whether he felt so empty because of the things he did or if he resorted to such behavior to feel anything besides the numbness. He wondered if it even made a difference, anymore. After he was certain Lily had left, he punched his wall, nearly breaking through the plaster. _Of course they know._ He groaned, running his fingers through his long raven locks. He couldn’t stand even the thought of his friends huddled together, discussing him and what to do with him. _Not tonight._ With a collective sigh, he rummaged through the bottom drawer of his desk, searching for the tools of the trade: an old jewel case, shallow grooves cut into the plastic from routine use of a razor blade against it; a razor blade, still lightly coated with powder (sanitation had never been a concern to him); a small piece of a straw, hastily chopped from a regular drinking straw (easier to toss and less conspicuous than the snuff tube he'd kept at his parents' house); a small baggie of cocaine, kept for emergencies like these. Carefully, he dumped the contents of the baggie onto the jewel case, ensuring not a single speck was lost to his carpet. He chopped up the coke with the razor, arranging the slightly off-white powder into three neat lines, side by side. Without a moment of hesitation, he brought the straw to one nostril, inhaling the first line. He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. A small smile etched across his face; _everything is perfect._ He immediately snorted the rest, feeling a wave of relief as a gentle hum coursed through his veins. He grabbed his phone, scrolling through his list of contacts. _Nate._ Hastily, he typed out a quick message, pressing send: **I want you. You home?**  
  
Not even bothering to wait for a response, he hurried downstairs and out the door, hopping onto his motorbike. The short drive downtown took less than fifteen minutes, Sirius speeding the entire way. He smiled contently as the wind swept his hair back, focusing on nothing but his current high. He arrived at the brownstone in record time, again reaching for his phone from out of his pocket. **Here.** A moment later, the front door swung open, Nate eyeing hum hungrily. “Hey, baby,” he greeted him, grabbing Sirius and kissing him on the lips.   
  
Sirius kept his mouth shut, lightly pushing the brown haired boy away from him. “No talking,” he said sharply, shooting him a dangerous look.   
  
Nate nodded, understanding. He led Sirius upstairs, barely able to lock his door shut before Sirius pounced on him, fingernails ripping deeply into his pale flesh. “Take off your clothes,” Sirius ordered, his lips curled into a snarl.   
  
As the boy undressed, Sirius watched, undoing his belt and unbuttoning his jeans, lazily pulling his cock out from his pants. “Prepare yourself for me,” he said calmly, roughly stroking himself.  
  
As soon as he finished, Sirius rose to his feet, using Nate's t shirt to wipe himself off. “Thanks for the shag,” he called over his shoulder, pulling his pants and jeans back on.   
  
He glanced down at his front, taking note of the cum stain on the hem of his t shirt; he couldn't be bothered with completely undressing. _Not for him, not for this._ Sirius had not been looking for a connection, for romance, for anything vaguely connected to either of those things. _Not tonight._ Tonight, Sirius had been looking for a release, and nothing was more effective than a good hard shag with someone who could take the roughness in stride. “Where are you going, I thought we could hang out,” Nate called from the bed, his body still spent, sprawled out face-first on the mattress.   
  
“Ta, Nate. Good shag, as always. I'll call you.”  
  
With a quick wave of his hand, he made his way out of the room and down the stairs, heading back out into the darkness, hopping on his bike.

* * *

Remus smiled as Jack cuddled up beside him on the couch, resting his head on Remus' shoulder. _Jack._ Remus and Jack had been friends for quite some time now. They had met in a poetry seminar their first semester. A fellow lit major, Jack had red hair and freckles and liked to read Proust and wore cardigans with his skinny jeans and converse high tops. Jack was safe, easy to be with. “I ordered takeaway for us,” Remus said softly, smiling as he felt Jack’s warm breath tickling his neck. “What do you feel like watching?”  
  
Jack sighed, thoughtful. “You have a copy of Running With Scissors, don't you? We were talking about that in my memoir seminar, and it put me in the mood to watch it,” Jack said lightly, kissing Remus’ neck.   
  
Remus blushed lightly, rising to his feet. “Yeah, it's in my room I think. Let me go rummage around my closet,” he called out over his shoulder as he made his way towards his bedroom.  
  
He sighed, carefully scanning through his DVD collection. _Jack._ While he did like jack, did find him interesting and attractive, he wasn't Sirius. Thankfully, Jack was the understanding sort. He accepted Remus’ insistence that they keep their arrangement casual. _In fact,_ Remus mused, _we work rather splendidly as friends with benefits._ They could just as easily enjoy one another's company reading and working on a paper at the coffee house as they could in the bedroom. Remus heard a knocking on the front door. “Could you get that, Jack? It’s already paid for,” he called out. 

* * *

Sirius was unsure how he had ended up at Remus’ doorstep. One minute, he'd been at the liquor store buying a pint, the next he'd been throwing the bottle into the street, empty. Now, here he was. He knocked easily, swaying slightly as he waited for Remus to answer the door. He froze, shocked, as a redhead answered the door, a similarly surprised expression on his face. “You're not Remus,” Sirius observed, carefully scrutinizing the boy before him. _Cardigan. Chucks. Skinny jeans._ Slowly, realization dawned on him.   
  
“Ah, right then,” Sirius muttered, shoving his hands into his pockets. _He has someone over. Company. A date._ “Sorry for disturbing you, I'll just... right.” He turned around, hurriedly making for the staircase. _Dunno why I'm surprised. Of course he sees people._

* * *

“Who was at the door?” Remus asked, disc in hand.   
  
“I don't know,” Jack replied, a quizzical expression on his face. “Some guy. Tall, black hair. Combat boots. He seemed a little _off_.”  
  
Remus sucked in a breath, visibly paling.   
  
“Rem, you alright?” Jack asked, concerned.  
  
Remus nodded, lowering himself to the couch. “Friend of yours?” Jack asked lightly, placing a hand on his shoulder.   
  
“Yeah,” Remus agreed, staring down at the floor. _God, be okay._  
  
“A _special_ friend?” Jack asked.   
  
Remus laughed. “No, no, nothing like that. He's just one of my close mates from boarding school. He's...” he trailed off, unsure how to explain.   
  
“You want him to be more than a friend?” Jack asked softly.   
  
“This is definitely weird for us to talk about, right?” Remus asked, burying his face in his hands, heat radiating from his cheeks.  
  
“We're friends, Remus. I have no misconceptions about us... we're friends who happen to have sex. You can talk to me about it if there's someone you fancy.”  
  
_God, he's wonderful. Why can't I just like someone like Jack? He's so simple. So kind and not complicated._ “You're a bloody saint, Jack,” Remus muttered.  
  
“What's holding you back?” he asked. “Is he a drug addict, something like that?”   
  
“Why would you say that?” Remus asked, eyeing him suspiciously.   
  
“I'm not judging, just... he was definitely on something,” Jack replied, shrugging.  
  
Remus nodded. “It's just complicated. he's... he's borderline. And we've known each other forever and he does.... things.... that make it hard for me to even consider telling him how I feel,” he said slowly, wringing his hands miserably in his lap.  
  
“Is he going to be okay? If you need to go check on him or something, I understand.”   
  
“No, no. We're hanging out... Sirius can take care of himself,” Remus replied, shaking his head furiously. _Damn you Sirius Black. God damn you._ He produced his phone from his pocket, hastily texting Lily: **Sirius showed up here. Probably high. Jack answered the door and he bolted. HELP.**

* * *

Lily parked her car in the parking lot of a dingy pub, having driven around town for nearly an hour, checking all of Sirius’ usual haunts. The sight of his motorbike comforted her slightly. _He’s probably still here, at least._ She checked her phone for any messages, finding none. _God damn it, Sirius. I asked you to stay safe._ She sighed heavily, tucking her phone into her back pocket, as she made her way to the entrance. At the bar, she caught sight of Sirius’ familiar black hair, hanging loosely down his back. “Sirius,” she called out, taking a step toward him.  
  
Sirius turned his head, hearing his name. “What?” he asked dully, his expression blank.  
  
Lily bit her lip, struggling to maintain her composure. _He’s drunk. Really drunk._ “You weren’t answering your phone,” she replied, taking a seat beside him at the bar.  
  
“Just a seltzer water, please,” she chirped to the bartender, who rolled his eyes at her, but obliged.  
  
“What do you want, Lily?” Sirius muttered, taking a deep sip from his glass.  
  
“I thought you might like company,” she said lightly, offering him a warm smile.  
  
“I told you I wanted to be left alone,” he retorted, motioning to the bartender to bring him another drink.  
  
“Funny, I thought I asked you to stay safe, so I guess we both broke our promises,” she said sharply, a single eyebrow raised.  
  
Sirius shrugged, raising his freshened drink to his lips. “Whatever,” he muttered.  
  
“Sirius, your nose is bleeding,” Lily observed, catching sight of a droplet of blood falling from his right nostril.  
  
Sirius wiped his nose with his sleeve, leaving a smear of blood on his shirt. “You’re upset with us,” Lily started, taking a small sip of her drink.  
  
“I don’t care. So you all know I’m crazy; so fucking what?”  
  
“You’re not crazy, Sirius. You’re just... You have an illness. I want to help you, we want to help you. Please,” she pleaded.  
  
“I don’t need help, I’m _fine,_ ” he slurred, draining the contents of his glass.   
  
“Sirius, you’re totally pissed. Come on, let me drive you home.”  
  
“No. I don’t want to.”  
  
“Why did you bolt from Remus’ place?” she asked suddenly.  
  
Sirius glared at her, motioning for another drink. “He had _company,_ ” he noted sourly, scowling. “I didn’t want to _intrude._ ”  
  
“Did it bother you, seeing he had someone over?” Lily asked, a single eyebrow raised.  
  
“I don’t care. It’s his life. If he wants to fuck some ginger nerd, that’s his business,” he snapped, raising his glass to his lips.  
  
“Do you like Remus?” she pressed, staring intently at him.  
  
“Define _like,_ ” Sirius slurred, reaching for his drink and spilling half the glass down his front. “Shit,” he mumbled, staring down helplessly.   
  
“Come on, let me take you home,” Lily said softly, grabbing a fistful of bar napkins and pressing them to the wet spot on Sirius’ shirt. “Tab, please?” she asked, nodding towards the bartender.

* * *

Sirius woke to a blinding migraine, an obvious indication of a hangover. _How did I even get home?_ The entire evening before was a blur to him. He clutched his head with his right hand, silently willing the throbbing to stop. He forced himself to sit up a bit, the tiniest bit of movement increasing the pain in his head tenfold. A wave of nausea hit him, sending him rushing to the toilet, heaving up the contents of his stomach. He winced as bile burnt his throat. _Fuck. I didn't even drink that much._  
  
James knocked on the door. “You okay, mate?” He asked.   
  
“Feel like shite,” Sirius called back, using one hand to keep his balance against the sink counter, while he applied pressure to his temples with the other.   
  
The bathroom door opened with a slight creak. James frowned, observing his friend. “Drinking on an empty stomach again, Pads?”   
  
Sirius shrugged. “I ate.”  
  
James rolled his eyes. “A candy bar isn't a meal and you know it, Sirius. Cut the shit.”   
  
Sirius turned his attention back to the toilet, gagging as he heaved up another mouthful of stomach bile.   
  
“Charming, Padfoot,” James said dryly, his nostrils flared in disgust.  
  
“I didn't ask you to watch,” Sirius muttered, wiping sick from his mouth with his arm.   
  
“You know this just proves my point. You're not taking care of yourself.”  
  
Sirius sighed heavily, staring back at James, defeated. “You're right. I'm not.”   
  
James remained silent, taken aback by Sirius’ agreement. _Normally he’d make a big production of this, denying it to the bitter end._  
  
“Lily told me you found the letter from uni in my desk,” Sirius stated accusingly.  
  
James remained silent, observing Sirius guiltily.   
  
“Oh don't look at me like that, James. How could you?”  
  
“Sirius, I'm sorry, I-”  
  
“You're supposed to be my _brother_. And you went to them about it instead of coming to me,” Sirius said incredulously, the hurt apparent in his eyes.  
  
“I was afraid of how you would react if I told you I'd found it. I thought you might... take the news badly.”   
  
Sirius shrugged. “I probably would have. But still... you're my family, James. If you can't look past my issues and at least try to talk to me about it, who am I supposed to trust?”   
  
James bit his lip, struggling to hold back tears. “Sirius, I-”  
  
“I don't have anyone but you, James. I know I'm difficult and awful but I just... if you don't want to deal with me, just say it. I'll leave. I don't need to stay here if-”  
  
James interrupted Sirius by wrapping his arms around him, hugging him tightly. “You're my family, Sirius. For always. Don't... don't fucking think for even a second that I don’t love you, don't want you here. You're my brother.”  
  
“I just hate feeling so alone,” Sirius whispered, tears beginning to trickle down his cheeks.  
  
“You're not alone, Sirius. You have me. My mum loves you like her own flesh and blood. Dad too. Lily loves you to pieces. And Remus. I know your parents were shite and being disowned was hard, but you're never alone Sirius. We're your family now.”   
  
The two hugged for a moment longer, both struggling to choke back tears. “Do you want to talk about what's going on? If you don't, it's okay,” James said slowly, removing his glasses and wiping his eyes with his sleeve.   
  
Sirius nodded. “No, it's okay. We should probably talk.”

* * *

The two settled into Sirius’ bedroom, Sirius crawling into bed and under his comforter, James taking a seat at the foot of the bed. “What do you want to know?” Sirius asked lowly, comforter pulled up to his chin.   
  
“Whatever you want to tell me.”  
  
Sirius sighed. “I wasn't sleeping much last semester. I'd skip lectures, show up late for labs. People in my program were a bit... put off by my behavior. I was acting crazy,” he started, refusing to meet James’ eye.  
  
“You're not crazy, Padfoot,” James said firmly.  
  
Sirius shrugged. “It's okay, Prongs. Really. I just.. I dunno. I know that Lily is always telling me that I have a mental disorder, but I've never felt _mentally disordered_ ; I just feel crazy. I was dating whatshisname, Chris? I think. We were doing a ton of blow, so I was just speeding constantly. At the time, I thought I was keeping it under wraps pretty well, but in hindsight I know I wasn’t. _Everyone_ in my program knew I was fucked up....” he paused, frowning.   
  
James waited patiently, nodding for him to continue.  
  
“Chris and I were fighting a lot. He broke up with me because obviously I was acting crazy... Crazier than I am when I’m _not_ using. Then I slashed my wrists. Everyone found out. I had to have a meeting with my adviser, because they were concerned about my ability to handle the work... And my mental status, I guess. They saw me as a liability, I suppose. Apparently I'm a danger to myself and others,” he laughed bitterly.   
  
“How long do they want you out on a medical leave?”   
  
“Dunno. At least the semester. I didn't bother reading the entire letter,” Sirius replied, shrugging.   
  
James nodded. “How are you feeling?”   
  
Sirius shrugged. “Numb.”  
  
“What can I do to help?” James asked, his lips drawn tight.  
  
Sirius stared blankly. “I don't know. Get Mark to respond to my texts?”   
  
James frowned. “I wasn't going to get into this with you, but since you brought it up... you can do so much better than him, Sirius.”  
  
Sirius rolled his eyes.  
  
“No, listen to me. He hit you, Sirius.”  
  
“I hit him first,” Sirius countered, shrugging.  
  
“Doesn't matter. You still deserve better.”  
  
“Maybe I'm just not meant to be with anyone,” he muttered, staring down at his lap.  
  
“Hey, don't say that,” James said softly, gently reaching forward to place a hand on Sirius’ shoulder.  
  
“It's true. I'm a right wanker, James. I know it, you know it. Everyone does. I shagged half the birds and blokes in our year back at school. I'm a slut. That's all I'm good for,” Sirius said miserably, staring dejectedly down at his lap.  
  
“Sirius-”  
  
“Everyone gets tired of me, James. I'm too much to deal with.”   
  
“Sirius you don't really believe that, do you?” James asked softly.   
  
“You have no idea what it's like. You have Lily, who worships the ground you walk on. Everyone has someone else and I have no one.”  
  
“You have your friends, Pads. You'll find someone. You're only nineteen.”   
  
Sirius sniffled. “That's what Moony said.”  
  
“Have some faith, Pads. You'll find someone who loves you for the amazing person you are.”  
  
“Maybe,” he muttered, disbelievingly. 


	5. I Used to Rely on Self-Medication, I Guess I Still do That From Time to Time

Sirius fidgeted in a chair in Dr. Fairgood’s waiting room. Out of guilt or desperation, he had gone ahead and scheduled a second appointment. He removed his phone from his pocket, glancing at the time. 1:55 PM. His appointment was scheduled for 2 PM. _Still have time to leave._ He glanced at the front door, sighing heavily. _I’m so fucking tired_. A week had passed since he’d spoken to James about his mandatory medical leave from university, and he’d slept maybe a total of six hours in that time frame. Much to Sirius’ chagrin, James had hovered over him, barely giving him a moment to himself. _Not that I blame him. I suppose I haven’t proven myself to be particularly trustworthy, as of late._  
  
“Sirius?” a cheerful female voice called out, pulling Sirius back into reality.  
  
“Yeah,” he replied, rising to his feet.  
  
“I’m ready for you,” Dr. Fairgood noted, motioning for him to follow her.  
  
Sirius lowered himself onto the couch he’d sat at during his last appointment.  
  
“How are you feeling today, Sirius?” Dr. Fairgood asked, settling down behind her desk.  
  
“Lousy,” he replied, staring down at the carpet.  
  
“What makes you say that?”  
  
“Haven’t been sleeping. My friends all think I’m crazy and a danger to myself.”  
  
“Why haven’t you been sleeping?” Dr. Fairgood asked, eyeing him curiously. “When is the last time you slept?”  
  
“I slept for maybe two hours yesterday... I just can’t sleep. I try, but I just end up lying in bed staring up at the ceiling and thinking about how pointless my entire life is.” “Why don’t you tell me about what’s gone on since our last meeting?” Dr. Fairgood suggested, hastily scribbling something down onto her notepad.  
  
“My boyfriend broke up with me. Twice, actually. He tried to break up with me the first time and we got into a fight. Then we got back together and broke up again. This time for good, I suppose,” Sirius noted, staring down at the floor.  
  
“When you say fight, do you mean you had an argument?”  
  
“Sort of,” Sirius muttered. “We’ve you know... Hit each other before.”  
  
Fairgood observed him for a minute, her expression unreadable. “Would you say that sort of behavior is normal for you, getting into physical fights?”  
  
Sirius shrugged. “Sometimes,” he agreed. “I get angry.”  
  
Fairgood nodded, writing something down. “Did anything else happen?”  
  
“We broke up at a party. He was nagging me about drinking... I got mad and threw a bottle at the wall... We ended up fighting again... My friend had to pull me away from him...” Sirius muttered, nervously toying with his hair.  
  
“My friends found out about the letter from uni,” he added, hastily changing the subject.  
  
“How did they take the news?”  
  
Sirius frowned, crossing his arms against his chest. “James _found_ the letter in my desk. He didn’t come to me about it... Went and told his girlfriend and Remus.”  
  
“How did that make you feel?”  
  
“Hurt. Angry. I don’t know... Just... Lousy.”  
  
Fairgood nodded, scribbling something down onto her pad. “Did you tell James that?”  
  
Sirius nodded. “Yeah. He apologized. But still... I feel crazy. And he doesn’t understand that him tiptoeing around me isn’t helping any.”  
  
“What do you mean by crazy?”  
  
Sirius sighed, fidgeting in his chair. “I don’t know,” he huffed, running his fingers through his hair. “I just... I alternate between feeling like I wish I was dead and feeling amazing and there’s just no middle ground and I don’t know how to articulate exactly what I’m feeling.” He sighed again, clenching his fists. “I get these _urges_ or something, where I don’t even think about what I’m doing or what the consequences might be, I just do it and I don’t understand why I’m compelled to do the things I do.”  
  
Dr. Fairgood scribbled something down, nodding her head thoughtfully. “What sort of urges do you have?”  
  
“Just stuff,” Sirius shrugged.  
  
“Can you give me an example of a time where you had an urge to do something, tell me what might have triggered the urge and what you did?” she asked calmly, offering him a warm smile.  
  
“James’ girlfriend Lily came to see me and told me that James found the letter from uni. I didn’t want to think about anything, about him telling our friends about it, so I did a couple lines of blow. And went and fucked some bloke.”  
  
Fairgood nodded. “You wanted to block out thoughts of your friends discussing something personal about you?” she asked.  
  
Sirius nodded. “I guess so... I just didn’t want to think about _anything._ ”  
  
“The guy you went to see... Was it an ex boyfriend?”  
  
Sirius shook his head no. “Nah. Just this guy I casually shag. I wanted to...” he trailed off, staring down at his feet. _Fuck the pain away? Maybe. Probably._  
  
“Do you practice safe sex?”  
  
Sirius wrinkled his nose. “Condoms are for sailors,” he laughed, shooting her his signature smirk.  
  
“How many partners do you have, Sirius?”  
  
“I don’t know... I don’t keep track. I don’t really plan out sex, doc. If I get caught up in the moment, I go with it.”  
  
“Did anything else happen that night?” she asked, eyeing him intently.  
  
Sirius’ eyes darkened as he recounted the night in question. _Remus._ “I went to my mate Remus’ place... he had some ginger bloke there on a date or something. Had him answer the door. So I left. Went to the pub.”  
  
“You seem angry. Were you upset that he was busy when you wanted to talk? Or that he had another man over?”  
  
Sirius shrugged. “I didn’t say I was angry,” he muttered.  
  
“You left without speaking to your friend, though?” Fairgood prompted.  
  
“Yeah. Didn’t want to _intrude_ ,” he said darkly, glaring.  
  
“Were you ever intimate with Remus?” she asked suddenly.  
  
“No,” Sirius replied, digging his fingernails into his thighs. “Remus is... I... I feel safe with Remus. He knows how to deal with me when I’m acting crazy,” he stammered, gazing about the room helplessly.  
  
Fairgood nodded. “I understand you’ve previously seen therapists. Tell me about prior treatment you’ve had.”  
  
Sirius sighed. “Can’t you just read my chart?” he muttered darkly.  
  
“I want to know what you thought of prior treatment, what worked and what didn’t, so that I can more effectively come up with a treatment plan for you, Sirius.”  
  
“I was in group therapy, before. That was a waste of time. I hated it.”  
  
“What did you not like about it?”  
  
“It was just a hodgepodge of screwed up kids flung into a room together. Everyone was there for a different reason so it just... I couldn’t relate to anyone there.”  
  
Fairgood nodded, scribbling furiously onto her pad. “Anything else?”  
  
“I was in residential treatment for an eating disorder when I was seventeen. Again, group therapy was pointless. I didn’t like CBT. I didn’t like being told that I was wrong and that what I thought and felt was incorrect.”  
  
Again, Fairgood nodded, waiting for him to continue.  
  
“I’ve been prescribed Prozac, Wellbutrin, Xanax, Seroquel, and Paxil. Xanax was the only thing that’s ever helped me.”  
  
“Why were you prescribed Seroquel?”  
  
“Mood disorder. The doctors never decided precisely what it was, but they figured a mood stabilizer would fix me up nicely,” Sirius muttered, frowning.  
  
“How did it effect you?”  
  
“It turned me into a fucking zombie. I could barely function.”  
  
“What were you prescribed antidepressants for?”  
  
“They put me on Prozac after a suicide attempt. It resulted in another suicide attempt, so I was taken off of it shortly after. Paxil was paired with the Xanax to treat my anxiety and depression. Wellbutrin was supposed to treat minor depression and assist in my _recovery_ from anorexia. I don’t _like_ antidepressants. They don’t _work_ for me. And you aren’t supposed to drink while on them so... They’re not an option for me,” he replied, his lips curled into a scowl.   
  
“Would you say you drink a lot?” she asked, eyeing him curiously.  
  
“What would be a lot?” he asked, continuing to scowl.  
  
“Do you drink every day?” she prompted.  
  
“Sometimes.”  
  
“Do you drink alone?”  
  
“Sometimes.”  
  
“Have you ever blacked out from drinking?”  
  
“No.” _Yes._  
  
“Do you drink when you’re angry or sad?”  
  
“Duh,” Sirius muttered, rolling his eyes.  
  
“Would you say that you self-medicate with alcohol to cope with unpleasant feelings?” she pressed, her eyes boring holes into his own.  
  
Sirius remained silent, his face going blank. The pair sat in silence for several minutes, Sirius avoiding eye contact with Dr. Fairgood.  
  
“Sirius?” she asked gently.  
  
“I don’t know,” he mumbled, wringing his hands in his lap. “I don’t know.”

* * *

“How has he been?” Lily asked calmly over a cup of coffee.   
  
James shrugged. “I don’t know... Quiet. He’s mostly just moped around the house all week. Hasn’t gone out much. Except to go to the liquor store, I suppose,” he noted, laughing bitterly.  
  
“He had a right to know, James.”  
  
“I know. But it should have been me going to him about it. He was so hurt by it, Lils. You have no idea...” James sighed, staring down into his mug. “He made an appointment with his therapist, at least. He has an appointment today.”  
  
Lily nodded. “That’s good. I mean, at least he’s seeing someone.”  
  
“Thank you for driving him home that night, by the way,” James noted, his eyes still focused on the milky swirls in his coffee.  
  
“Of course. He wasn’t fit to get himself home.”  
  
“He’s really lonely, Lily.”  
  
“What makes you say that?” Lily asked curiously.  
  
“When he talked to me about... Everything... He said as much. That he has no one and that no one will ever want him.”  
  
“Remus is in love with him,” Lily blurted out, barely thinking before the words escaped her lips.  
  
James stared at her a moment, taken aback. “I beg your pardon?” he asked, shooting her a confused look.  
  
“Remus. He’s been in love with Sirius for a while, now.”  
  
“How do you know this?”  
  
“Because we bloody talked about it a million times before! He _pines_ over him, James. Like how you _pined_ over me for years until I decided to date your sorry arse,” Lily retorted, rolling her eyes.  
  
“Did he... does Sirius...” James trailed off, visibly still trying to process this development.  
  
“He doesn’t know. But I think Sirius may fancy Remus. Thought even _he_ may not realize that he does,” Lily replied, taking a deep sip of her coffee.  
  
James wrinkled his nose. “What do you mean?”  
  
“When I found Sirius at the pub, he was drunk. Like way _drunk_. He showed up at Remus’ place before that,” she began, taking another sip of coffee.  
  
“If he was at Remus’ why would he leave? Usually Moony gets him to stay put when he’s in a bad way,” James noted, frowning.  
  
“Remus didn’t answer the door, a _friend_ he had over did.”  
  
James nodded, his jaw clenching slightly. “So he was upset that Remus...”  
  
“Yeah,” Lily confirmed. “He immediately assumed Remus was sleeping with the guy. Got pretty angry about it.”  
  
James nodded.  
  
“I asked him if he liked Remus.”  
  
James eyed her curiously. “And?” he prompted.  
  
“He asked me to define like,” she replied, sighing.   
  
“Lils... I knew Remus was bent, but if he’s had a _thing_ for Sirius for so long, how come he never... you know. I mean, _everyone_ slept with Sirius back in school,” James stammered, obviously uncomfortable with the subject at hand.  
  
“He thought you’d kill him if he tried to make a move on Sirius. Something about ruining the group dynamic or some shite like that,” Lily replied, rolling her eyes. “I told him he was being a prat and to just tell Sirius how he feels.”  
  
“I’m afraid he’d hurt him,” James said softly, again staring miserably into his coffee mug.  
  
Lily frowned. “Remus would _never_ hurt him, James,” she said sharply.  
  
“I know,” James replied sadly, glancing up at her. “I meant Sirius might hurt _him_.”  
  
Lily sighed. “I think with the right person, Sirius wouldn’t feel the need to go out and-”  
  
“Shag half of London?” James interrupted.   
  
“James,” Lily started, shaking her head, “he’s not _that_ -”  
  
“He’s promiscuous, Lily. And though I may not know _all_ of the sordid details of Sirius’ deviance, I know enough to feel certain that a new relationship won’t suddenly quell all of Sirius’ impulsive behavior.”  
  
“If he feels secure in the relationship, he might stop with all of that,” Lily prompted.  
  
“I _want_ Sirius to be happy, and I do think that Remus would be good for him... But I don’t think he should be in a relationship until he’s worked out some of his issues. He’ll just hurt them both if he’s still carrying on as he’s been,” James concluded, frowning.   
  
“But what if he _needs_ to have someone in his life to give him that push to _want_ to get help and work on himself?”   
  
“Lily, I love you, and I _love_ that you’re obviously trying to advocate for Sirius, but I really don’t think we should push Remus to tell Sirius he’s in love with him. You’ve seen Sirius lately. He’s drinking heavily and he’s using, again. It wouldn’t be fair to push those two into a relationship and leave Remus to deal with the burden of all the drugs and the drinking... It’s too much for any one person to deal with.”  
  
Lily raised her eyebrows, startled by James’ frank words.  
  
“I’m not so daft as you think, Lils. I know when Sirius is doing coke.”  
  
“He’s been drinking a lot this past week?”  
  
James nodded grimly. “If the dozen empty pints of Jack in the recycling are any indication, I’d say so.”  
  
“Christ. Has he at least stopped moping over that prat Mark?” Lily asked dryly.  
  
“I think so. Suppose he’s been in such a foul mood over... Remus...”  
  
The couple exchanged looks. “Tell him that it’s okay for him to fancy Sirius. He’d want to hear it from you,” Lily said calmly, her green eyes boring holes into James’ light brown ones. “Even if you have to give him your silly speech about needing to wait until Sirius is more stable to pursue him... He needs to know it’s okay.”  
  
James nodded. “I just... I don’t mind telling him all that Lils, but I don’t want him to get hurt. He’s one of my best mates. Sirius is my brother and I love him to pieces, but he can be a right bastard to people who get close to him... Rem deserves better than to be treated as a fuck toy by him.”  
  
“I suppose we shouldn’t interfere, then,” Lily replied, pouting.  
  
“Back burner for now, love?” James suggested.  
  
Lily rolled her eyes. “Fine.”  
  
“You’re really keen on playing matchmaker, aren’t you?”  
  
Lily sighed. “I want to see two of my best friends happy. It’s destroying Remus watching Sirius abuse himself like he does, James. Something has to give. I still think Remus would be a world of good for him. But I’ll stay mum about it for now.”

* * *

Sirius sat in his car, staring out the window. He’d finished his session nearly fifteen minutes prior, but had yet to muster the motivation to leave the doctor’s parking lot. He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. **Hey.** He sighed, staring at the screen for a minute. _Remus._ He hadn’t spoken to Remus since that night. _Not intentionally. Just been busy._ He typed back a reply, immediately grabbing for a pack of cigarettes from his other pocket. He lit one, inhaling just as his phone vibrated again. **How are you? Haven’t heard from you in a bit.** Sirius sighed heavily, exhaling a plume of smoke. Therapy had ended on a bad note, putting him in a foul mood, and Remus’ attempt at subtlety was aggravating. He hastily typed back a response, pressing send: **I know you know about my mandatory medical leave, so you can stop pretending, now.** He scrolled through his contacts, stopping at Nate Milgore’s name; he needed a release, and he needed it _now._ He pressed the call button, raising the phone to his ear. “Hey, you busy?” he asked, turning his key in the ignition of his car. He put the car in reverse, backing up out of the parking space, beginning to navigate in the direction of Nate’s home. “I’ll see you in ten?” he asked, pushing the sun visor down to block the harsh summer rays from his eyes. “Alright, great. See you then.” He ended the call, dropping the phone down on the passenger seat. He heard the familiar sound of the phone vibrating. _Remus must have replied._ He shrugged, staring out at the road. _I’ll deal with him later._  
  
Sirius arrived at Nate’s house, quickly parking and making towards the door. Nate met him at the door, offering him a broad grin. “Hey,” he greeted him, kissing Sirius lightly on the lips.   
  
“Bed, yeah?” Sirius retorted, clapping the brown haired boy on the back and motioning towards the stairs.  
  
The two clambered up the steps, Sirius leading Nate by the arm. He wrapped his arms around him, pulling Nate into a deep embrace. Sirius kissed him hungrily, shoving the shorter boy onto the bed, their teeth clashing together as Sirius pressed his lips to his, hands gripping his wrists, holding him down on the bed. Nate stared up at him, his light brown eyes shining brightly. “What do you want, Siri?” he asked playfully.  
  
Sirius smacked him across the face, his palm radiating in pain from the force used. “I’m in the mood to _destroy_ something,” Sirius replied, pulling Nate upward, into a sitting position. “Can you help me with that?” he asked softly, offering Nate a rare smile.  
  
“Of c-course, Siri, whatever you want,” he stuttered, smiling warmly back at him.  
  
“Good,” Sirius retorted, grabbing the boy by the shoulder and shoving him back down onto his back. He leaned forward, hovering over the boy, gently tracing Nate’s collarbone with his tongue. He grabbed Nate’s wrists, pinning them above his head. He heard Nate’s breathing labor as he moved up his neck, lazily licking right below his Adam’s apple. “I want you,” Sirius whispered, his lips hot against Nate’s cool smooth skin. Without a moment of hesitation, he bit down on his neck, sinking his teeth into the pale flesh. Nate uttered a frantic groan, struggling to pull his right arm from where Sirius had pinned it.  
  
Sirius let go of his wrists, still leaning over him, nimbly unbuttoning Nate’s shirt. “Since when do you wear oxford shirts? Did Mummy and Daddy tell you it’s time for you to live up to your posh upbringing?” he sneered, ducking down to bite his neck, again.   
  
Nate mumbled something incomprehensible, his free hand snaking down to his waist, disappearing beneath the waistband of his jeans. Sirius smacked his hand, rising to his feet. “None of that,” he scolded, viciously tearing the shirt off of Nate, splitting it in two. “You don’t get off until I do.”

* * *

Sirius groaned as he thrust forward, one knee resting on the bed, his other foot on the ground, giving him better leverage as he pounded himself into Nate, who was hanging limply like a rag doll, needing Sirius’ assistance to remain upright. _God, I need a cigarette._ He wiped sweat from his brow with the back of his right hand, his left still wrapped firmly around Nate’s neck. _Glad I took him from behind. I’m sure he’s making the most annoying, pathetic facial expressions._ He grabbed Nate around the waist with his right hand, pulling him closer. He thrust again, biting down on his shoulder. He breathed in heavily, taking in the scent of sweat, salt, Nate’s shampoo. Nate cried out a breathy _‘ohhh’_ , much to Sirius’ chagrin. “Shut. Up.”  
  
He wrapped both hands around his neck, squeezing tightly.   
  
“Sirius,” Nate cried out, his voice strained from Sirius’ grip.  
  
“Shut up and take it,” Sirius barked, pumping harder into the boy.  
  
Sirius took a deep breath, forcing himself to pick up his pace. _I’m so close, so close..._ He pumped harder, choking Nate, his eyes squeezed shut. At last, he felt a release, exhaling and loosening his grip on Nate’s neck. Shoulders heaving as he struggled to catch his breath, he pulled out of Nate, lying on his back beside the brown haired boy. He smiled, relaxed, as he felt a tingling sensation radiating in waves from his head to the tips of his toes. _The bliss of a well-deserved orgasm._ He sighed happily, stretching his arms, his shoulders tight from his extended position holding Nate upright. _Everything is perfect._ Nate rolled over onto his side, leaning towards Sirius, pointedly attempting to kiss him. Sirius frowned, shaking his head. “None of that sappy nonsense, Nate,” he scolded him, brows furrowed. “Can’t you let me just enjoy the moment in peace?” he snapped.  
  
“S-sorry,” Nate replied, his brown eyes widening in shock. “I just.. you never want to cuddle or hang out or anything... _After_.”  
  
Sirius sighed, rolling his eyes. “Yeah, because you’re _not_ my _boyfriend_ , Nate! How many times do I have to tell you that? This isn’t about all _that_. This is about sex. Me and you helping one another out in getting off. Alright?”  
  
“I just thought-”  
  
“I have to go,” Sirius muttered, rising to his feet. Hastily, he wiped himself off with the closest article of clothing on the floor, pulling back on his pants and jeans.   
  
“Sirius, don’t go, I’m sorry,” Nate stammered, rising to his feet.   
  
“No, no. You forgot our arrangement. I’m going now. Thanks for the sex. Ta, Nate,” Sirius replied brusquely, waving his hand dismissively as he slipped on his boots.  
  
“Sirius-”  
  
“I’ll call you,” he called over his shoulder as he hurried out the room, taking the stairs two at a time. _He’s so bloody annoying with all the clingy cuddly shit. It’s a shame, really. He takes dick like a fucking champion._ He sighed, slamming the front door shut behind him as he left. Instinctively, he lit a cigarette, taking a deep drag. _Nothing like a post-coital fag._ He exhaled, blowing smoke rings as he made his way back to his car. He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. Taking another drag of his cigarette, he removed his phone from his pocket, examining the screen. Two missed calls. Six text messages. Sirius frowned, clicking to read the texts. _Remus._ **I know you’re mad. We’re going to have to talk, eventually. Just call me back, please????**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A quick thank you to everyone who has been so kind as to read this. Any comments are welcome and appreciated, either here or on tumblr.


	6. I Know I Say That I'm Just Fine, But I Hope You Wonder From Time to Time

“Sirius, can we talk? Please?”  
  
Sirius shrugged, staring down at his yogurt.   
  
“Sirius.”   
  
“Remus.”  
  
Remus flinched, his lips pressed firmly together. _Remus. Not Moony._  
  
“It's early. Can you let me eat my yogurt in peace?”   
  
Remus rolled his eyes. “It's four in the afternoon. And I don't know how you can even eat that. It's plain nonfat Greek yogurt. Blech.”   
  
Sirius shrugged. “I don't mind it,” he replied, his tone clipped.  
  
“I just want to talk to you. Can you stop being so bloody stubborn for a second and tell me what’s wrong?” Remus snapped.  
  
Sirius’ eyes clouded as he wordlessly brought a spoonful of yogurt to his lips.   
  
“I'm sorry.”  
  
“You've nothing to be sorry for. You were _entertaining_. It's not your job to drop everything when I show up at your door,” Sirius sneered, forcefully slamming his spoon back into his container of yogurt.  
  
“Can you even hear yourself right now?” Remus asked, eyeing the darker haired boy incredulously. “You’re _furious_. You’re positively seething with rage, right now.”  
  
“No I’m not,” Sirius retorted, his eyes flickering with anger.  
  
“Tell me what is wrong so I can fix it, Sirius.”  
  
“There’s nothing to be _fixed_ , Remus.”  
  
“Obviously there _must_ be since you’ve been ignoring my texts and phone calls. I had to come to your house and _wait_ for you to leave your bedroom to actually be able to speak to you,” Remus replied, slamming his palm on the kitchen counter for emphasis.   
  
“Sirius,” he started, his tone calmer, “I know you must have been having a bad night. I’m sorry that I wasn’t there for you to help you through it.”  
  
“I lived,” Sirius replied evenly, folding his arms against his chest. “I don’t need you to rescue me every time I’m having a rough time, Remus.”  
  
“Fine. If you don’t want to tell me what’s bothering you, or what I did wrong, then fine,” Remus muttered, rising to his feet.  
  
“Go ahead and leave, everyone else does,” Sirius mumbled, shoving his half-finished yogurt away from him.   
  
Remus turned around, feeling heat rise in his cheeks. “You don’t get to play the victim when _you_ are the one pushing people away, Sirius,” he hissed.  
  
“Piss off, Remus.”  
  
“I’ll leave, Sirius. But don’t act like I didn’t try. I fucking tried to talk to you, tried to find out what I did wrong to fix things. You’re my best mate and-”  
  
“No one asked you to _try_ ,” Sirius interrupted, shooting him a scathing look.   
  
“Don’t come crying on my doorstep the next time you fuck your life up, then. Go ahead and go crawling home the next time you’re high on coke, let James take a turn dealing with you when you’re all fucked up-”  
  
“Fuck you,” Sirius spat, glowering.  
  
“All I have _ever_ done is try to be there for you and help you and _this_ is how you act? I had a bloody friend from uni over! We were watching a movie! And you storm off and do fuck knows what and refuse to take my calls? Am I supposed to just be at your beck and call, all hours of the day and night? Are you really that _selfish_?” Remus asked, tears threatening to flow from his eyes.   
  
“I don’t need this. Not from _you_.”  
  
“What’s that supposed to mean?”  
  
“Nothing. I just-”  
  
“I’m going home,” Remus replied flatly, turning on his heel.  
  
“Remus, wait. I didn’t mean,” Sirius started, struggling to string together words.  
  
His words fell on deaf ears as Remus swiftly exited the kitchen and made for the front door, tears spilling down his cheeks.

* * *

“Remus, what happened?” Lily asked, taking note of his red eyes and pallid complexion.  
  
“He’s such an arsehole,” he said stiffly, gratefully accepting the mug of tea offered to him.   
  
The two sat in silence for a moment, each taking sips of their tea. “You finally got him to talk to you, I guess,” she noted, breaking the silence.  
  
“I had to basically _stalk_ him, Lils. I waited in the kitchen at the Potter’s for three fucking hours, until he finally came downstairs,” Remus replied, struggling to keep his composure.  
  
“Did he talk to you at all about why he’s been avoiding you?”  
  
“Of course not. He pretended that there was absolutely nothing wrong. Then we got into an argument.”  
  
“About?”  
  
“I don’t even know. Since he refused to say what was wrong, I made to leave. But then he made some stupid comment about everyone leaving him and it just... made me totally furious. How much bullshit am I supposed to take, Lily?”  
  
“I know, Rem. I know. You put up with way too much, as is.”  
  
“It’s just infuriating. How dare he insinuate that _I’m_ abandoning him when I’m the one who sees him through every miserable event in his existence.”  
  
“He doesn’t mean to hurt you, Remus. I know it’s hard to deal with him, but you know he... he’s not well,” Lily said softly, resting a hand over his.   
  
“I know he’s not well but still... Does he think I’m his servant or something?”  
  
“He was jealous, Remus.”  
  
Remus placed his mug of tea back on the table, his hands shaking as he did so. “What did you just say?” he asked, his voice wavering.  
  
“He was jealous. He _likes_ you, Rem,” Lily continued, bringing her mug to her lips.  
  
“Are you having a _stroke_ , Lils? Do you smell toast right now? There is no way in hell that Sirius Black _likes_ me,” Remus muttered, taken aback by Lily’s sudden declaration.  
  
“He as much as told me so, Remus! When I found him at the pub after he bolted from your place. He was bloody jealous that you had some bloke at your flat. Made a nasty comment about you shagging a ginger. Which, by the way, is totally acceptable, case in point,” she noted, gesturing towards herself.   
  
“Just because he assumed I was fucking him doesn’t mean Sirius _likes_ me, Lily,” Remus protested, rolling his eyes.  
  
“I asked him if he does. And he got all quiet and asked for me to define _like_. If that isn’t proof, I don’t know what will convince you, Rem.”  
  
Remus bit his lip, thoughtful. “I... if he liked me, he would have done something about it, Lily. You know Sirius has no problem taking what he wants.”  
  
Lily rolled her eyes. “Sirius knows how to get laid. Feelings and relationships, not so much. He doesn’t know _how_ to express that sort of thing.”  
  
“But Mark, and the other guys he’s dated-”  
  
“Again, Sirius knows how to get laid. It’s not hard to approach someone when you’re just trying to fuck them. Sirius gets into relationships that are almost solely based on sex. And whatever vice of choice he’s keen on at that time,” Lily interrupted.  
  
“I just don’t think,” Remus started, frowning.  
  
“You don’t think what? Everyone knows that Sirius is drawn to you. He trusts you with so much more than anyone else in his life. It’s you he turns to for comfort. I don’t think he knows how to convey his feelings to you, which is why he’s elected to act like an arsehole and vehemently deny that he was upset by you being with someone else,” Lily concluded, punctuating her speech with a dainty sip of tea.  
  
“ _Were_ you shagging Jack, by the way?” she asked, eyeing him curiously.  
  
Remus stared down into his mug, his cheeks flushing slightly.   
  
“There’s nothing wrong with it, Remus! Jack is cute! And lord knows you deserve to be able to get yours, considering Sirius fucks anything with a pulse,” she noted, wrinkling her nose slightly.  
  
“So what do I do?”  
  
“Tell him,” Lily stated pointedly.  
  
“But James-”  
  
“Oh fuck James. He knows. He’s fine with it. You like Sirius, and he likes you. Talk about it. Then go from there.”

* * *

**Voice-mail Received 7:43PM:** ** _Sirius Orion Black. So I see you’ve gotten yourself thrown out of university. For some reason, your school saw fit to send your father and I a letter noting your dismissal on the grounds of a mandatory medical leave. To think, my oldest child, my flesh and blood would do this to me... it sickens me. How dare you conduct yourself in such a manner. There is no doubt in my mind that you had every intention of besmirching your father’s name with your wretched behavior. You are a disgrace to the Black family name. You are a stain of dishonor on our family. You are no son of mine..._**  
  
**Message Erased.**

* * *

Sirius sat cross-legged on his bed, cigarette in hand, as he stared ahead at his wall. His phone sat beside him, set to silent. He took a drag, barely noticing that his hand was trembling slightly. _What am I going to do with my life?_ He blinked a few times,forcing back the tears that threatened to drip from his eyes. _What purpose do I have in my stupid fucking life? They forced me out of school. I don't have a job or any marketable skills to get one. I don't have any interests. I don't have Mark. I don't have a family. I don't have anyone._  
  
Lily quietly entered Sirius' room, watching him for a moment from the doorway. She bit her lip as she caught sight of his shoulders trembling. She stepped closer, taking note of his glassy eyes and blank expression. _He's dissociating_. Carefully, she climbed onto his bed, positioning herself so that she sat behind him. Gently, she wrapped her arms around his shoulders, applying light pressure. “Hey. It's Lily.”   
  
She stroked his hair, marveling at how silky smooth it was. Sirius shook his head, his shoulders twitching against the constraint of Lily's embrace. “Hey,” he said lowly, his voice barely above a whisper. “James had some football thing. I dunno when he’ll be back.”  
  
“I wanted to see if you'd like to have dinner with me?” she asked softly.  
  
Sirius shook his head. “Not hungry.”  
  
“Would you mind keeping me company at least?”   
  
Sirius sighed, pulling away from her. “Did James put you up to this?” he asked warily.   
  
Lily shook her head no. “No, Sirius. I know what it's like to be having a hard time and I just wanted... to see if you're okay.”   
  
“Why? Why do you care?”   
  
“Because you're my friend. Because people who share similar afflictions need to look out for one another.”  
  
Sirius shrugged.   
  
“What triggered you?” Lily asked, concerned.   
  
“My mum left a voice-mail. Apparently my parents received notice of my medical leave as well,” he noted darkly.  
  
Lily observed him a moment, unnerved by how calm he was, his expression unreadable. “Are you okay?”   
  
“No,” he retorted, his expression flat. “I'm a failure, Lily. Everything I touch, I ruin. I got myself forced out of school. I lost Mark. My parents hate me and think I'm a disgrace. What am I going to do with myself, Lily? School was all I had. That was my identity. I may be a total whack job, but I got perfect marks. My major defined who I was. And now I have nothing. I'm nothing.”   
  
“You're not a failure, Sirius. You were burning yourself out, and quickly. What you needed is a break. School will be waiting for you to come back to when you're ready.”  
  
Sirius remained silent, his lower lip quivering.   
  
“What's the matter? What did she say to you, Sirius?” she demanded, her anger rising.   
  
Sirius shook his head, his face crumbling.  
  
“Oh gods, Sirius come here,” she sighed pulling him into a tight embrace. She held him close as he sobbed quietly, the room silent except for his gasping breaths as he choked back tears. “Your mother is an awful, vile woman, Sirius. You need to know that anything she says is wrong. She doesn't matter, your birth family doesn't matter. You have people who love you so fucking much, Sirius.”  
  
“I need to get out of here,” Sirius muttered, shakily rising to his feet.  
  
“Sirius, I don’t think you should-”  
  
“I need to clear my head, Lily,” he said sharply, shooting her a filthy look.   
  
“Sirius, please-”  
  
“I’m going out,” he interrupted, stalking towards the door. “You can go ahead and alert James and Remus that I’m going out. I know you will, anyway.”

* * *

**Voice-mail Received 3:17AM: _James. Hi. This is Regulus... Sirius’ brother. I um... *pause* Sirius was in an accident. He crashed his bike on the A1. *sobbing* We’re at St. Mary’s Hospital. He was drunk, of course. He um. He’s hurt pretty badly. He’s in Intensive Care... They said something about a ruptured spleen. They’re doing their best to avoid surgery. I um... I’m donating blood. He needs blood transfusions to help treat him if he’s to avoid losing his spleen altogether. *crying* Please come. You’re as good as his brother, too. Please come._**

* * *

Sirius woke with a start, panic-stricken. _Where am I? What happened?_ He took a deep breath and was met with a jolt of pain from his left side. “Fuck,” he gasped, squeezing his eyes shut in an attempt to dull the pain.   
  
He opened his eyes again, finding himself face to face with an almost mirror image of himself. _Regulus_. Sirius felt a wave of fear course through his veins as he took note of his younger brother’s panicked expression. “What... What happened?” he asked shakily, trying and failing to hoist himself up into a sitting position.  
  
“You had an accident,” Regulus stated, his stormy gray eyes observing him with concern.  
  
“I don’t remember,” Sirius mumbled, glancing down at his left arm, where a peripheral IV line had been inserted.   
  
“You were driving drunk again, Sirius. You hit a patch of gravel taking a turn too sharply and crashed into the guardrail.”  
  
Sirius stared up at his brother, silently questioning the gravity of the incident.  
  
“Father made some calls to keep the accident off the record and out of the papers. They were going to charge you with drink-driving Sirius. You were handcuffed to the bed until father sorted things out with the police,” Regulus explained, his brows furrowed.  
  
“How efficient of him. I suppose he couldn’t stand the thought of his _embarrassment_ of a son tarnishing his reputation,” Sirius muttered, rolling his eyes.  
  
“You would have gone to jail, Sirius. Your blood alcohol level was thrice the legal limit.”  
  
“Why are you even here?” Sirius asked sharply.  
  
“Because you’re my brother... you were in a bad accident and needed a blood transfusion.”  
  
“I needed... why?” Sirius asked, his lips curling downward to form a frown.  
  
Regulus took a deep breath, tears forming in the corners of his eyes. “You have a ruptured spleen. They’re trying to avoid operating and removing it but... you needed blood. So when they called and asked of course I-” he paused, his face crumbling as he succumbed to a wave of tears.  
  
“Reg,” Sirius said calmly, reaching out his right arm in an attempt to touch his brother. “Please don’t cry. I’m not worth getting upset over.”  
  
“Did you do it on purpose?” Regulus asked, wiping his eyes with his sleeve.  
  
Sirius froze, caught off-guard by his brother’s question. “What?”  
  
“Did you crash your bike on purpose? Because of the message mum left you?” Regulus asked, his voice barely audible.   
  
“How did you-”  
  
“I overheard her telling father about it.”  
  
Sirius groaned, squeezing his eyes shut. “I don’t know, Regulus. I was bloody drunk.”  
  
The two remained silent for a moment, Regulus eyeing him with scrutiny. Sirius sighed heavily, wincing from pain. “I must admit that it sounds like something I would do when I was pissed and angry.”  
  
“So are you going to tell me why you got yourself kicked out of university?” Reg prompted.  
  
“I didn’t get _kicked out_ , Reg. I was put on a medical leave,” Sirius retorted, nervously tucking a loose strand of hair behind his ear.  
  
“I know you tried to kill yourself in the middle of last term. Is that why?” Regulus pressed.  
  
Sirius’ jaw dropped, a wave of nausea hitting him. “How did you... they didn’t tell mum, I mean... how could you..”  
  
“Sev told me.”  
  
Sirius’ jaw clenched. “That bloody fucking-”  
  
“Sirius. Is that why they put you out on a medical leave?” Regulus interrupted, his tone softer.  
  
Sirius shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe. Partially. I guess I’m just...” he trailed off, staring down at the thin cotton sheet covering him.  
  
“I suppose you’ve inherited the Black family madness,” Reg noted.  
  
“Shut up, you don’t know what you’re talking about.”  
  
“Spare me, Sirius. It’s no secret. You know the long history of mental illness that runs in our family.”  
  
“Thanks to all the inbreeding, I suppose,” Sirius laughed hollowly.  
  
“Bella was institutionalized, you know. Eight months in a psychiatric facility in the Swiss Alps. They diagnosed her as Bipolar.”  
  
“Surprise, surprise. She always was a bloody psycho,” Sirius muttered, frowning.  
  
Regulus gave him a pointed look.   
  
“I’m not bipolar,” Sirius noted sourly.   
  
“Did you ever receive an actual diagnosis? I know when we were younger, all those doctors tried to write everything off as youthful rebellion or depression, but I always thought it was something more.”  
  
“I have a borderline personality, apparently,” Sirius noted, frowning.   
  
“I guess the idiot who put you on Seroquel wasn’t so far off with his diagnosis of a mood disorder,” Reg replied, his tone light.  
  
“How’s Oxford?” Sirius asked, desperate to change the course of the conversation.  
  
“School’s good. Majoring in politics. Following in Father’s footsteps and all that, you know. Have you been seeing someone? Are you on medication?” he asked, disregarding Sirius’ attempt at a subject change.  
  
“I’m not taking any medication. I’m _fine_ , Reg,” Sirius muttered through gritted teeth.  
  
“You’re going to end up killing yourself if you don’t get some help, Sirius. Is that what you want?”  
  
“Maybe it is.”  
  
“Why?”  
  
“Why not? Everyone leaves, nobody cares, why continue carrying on for no fucking reason?”  
  
“I fucking care, Sirius. You’re supposed to be my big brother! Why don’t you try acting like it for once in your life?”  
  
“You left, just like everyone else left me and-”  
  
“I didn’t leave you, Sirius! You _left_ our family! _You_ pushed me away! I thought you wanted me to stay away. I did what I thought you needed!”  
  
Sirius remained silent, his heart pounding in his chest as he tried to process his brother’s words.   
  
“Please try to take care of yourself. I’d prefer it if the next time I see you it not be in the hospital... or at your funeral. Get yourself some help. Just because you feel like you have the deck stacked against you with all this mental illness shite doesn’t mean you should just say fuck it all and run yourself into the ground. You have decent friends who care about you and are worried sick about you. Let them help you. Go to therapy. Take some meds until you get yourself feeling _right._ ”  
  
Sirius remained silent, his expression blank.  
  
“It’s late, Sirius. You need to try and get some rest. I can ask the nurse to come give you something for the pain on my way out if you’d like.”  
  
Sirius nodded his head, his lower lip quivering.   
  
“Think about what I said and try and get yourself well. I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?” Regulus asked, lightly placing his hand over Sirius’.  
  
“Okay. Reg,” Sirius started, struggling to hold back tears.  
  
“Thank you. For coming and everything.”  
  
“Of course. Regardless your situation with mum and dad, you’re still my brother. We’ll always be brothers. If you need me, I’m here,” Reg assured him, offering him a small smile. 


	7. Thought That I Might Have the Strength to Carry On; Turns Out That I'm Barely, Barely Holding On

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Apologies for my delay in updating this. I usually try my absolute best to update at least twice weekly, but I was in the hospital and feeling positively dreadful the past two weeks from medication. Hopefully this chapter doesn't disappoint. A million thank yous to everyone who has subscribed/given kudos/etc. You're all lovely and I appreciate it so much. xx

Remus shifted uncomfortably in the hard plastic waiting room chair, staring down into his cup of lukewarm coffee. He’d wandered down to the hospital canteen ages ago, under the guise of getting a cup to calm his nerves, but had yet to take more than a single sip. Instead, he gripped the cup with both hands, his fingertips numb. In the row of chairs across from him, James and Lily sat, James with his head between his knees, Lily gently rubbing his back. The trio had been waiting for nearly two hours, and had yet to hear a single word of news on Sirius. Upon arrival, Regulus has greeted them with a terse hello before excusing himself outside, where he chain-smoked and spoke rapid-fire into his cell phone, until a nurse summoned him to come inside.  
  
The drive to the hospital had been torturous. James had driven, knuckles white as he gripped the steering wheel, slamming on the brakes every time they hit a red light, angrily muttering curses under his breath. Remus had curled himself into a ball in the backseat, focusing on breathing and blocking out the thoughts of Sirius lying bloody somewhere... He shook his head, banishing the thought.   
  
“How long has he been back there?” James asked, his voice muffled.  
  
“Half an hour, I s’pose,” Remus replied, testily chewing on his lower lip. _Why haven’t we heard any news? If he was okay, we’d have heard something by now._  
  
Remus took a sip of the coffee, his lips contorting into a look of total revulsion. _Christ, this is awful_. He tapped his foot nervously, his knee bouncing fitfully from the moment.  
  
“He’s going to be fine, Rem,” Lily said softly, using her forced-calm voice.  
  
“But what if he’s not?” Remus protested, again gnawing at his lip.  
  
James’ breath hitched, followed by a barely audible sob.  
  
Remus turned his attention to the door leading to the ICU ward as he caught sight of familiar black hair. _Regulus_. He carefully watched as Regulus emerged from the ward, visibly exhausted, his lips pressed tightly together.   
  
“How is he?” Remus asked, nearly spilling his drink on himself as he hurried to set it aside at his feet.  
  
“He's awake,” he noted.   
  
“How does he seem?” James asked, rising to his feet.  
  
“He's not grasping the extent of his injuries, I think. He hasn't even seen the doctor yet.”   
  
“But he's alive, right? Speaking, breathing?” James pressed.  
  
Regulus nodded. “James, a word if you would?” he asked, turning his attention to James.

* * *

James nodded, following Regulus outside. “Do you mind?” Reg asked, holding up a lighter and cigarette.  
  
“No. After tonight, I could use one, myself,” James replied, laughing weakly.   
  
Regulus removed a second cigarette, expertly lighting the two and handing James one.  
  
“Ta,” James noted, taking a deep drag. He coughed lightly, having never been more than a casual smoker, at most.  
  
“It’s been a hell of a night,” Regulus noted, a stream of white smoke emerging from his lips.  
  
“I know you said he had an accident but... what exactly happened?”  
  
“He claims he didn’t do it on purpose, if that’s what you’re asking,” Regulus replied, shrugging.   
  
“You don’t believe him?” James asked.  
  
“I don’t know what to believe about him, anymore.” He took another drag of his cigarette, gray eyes staring him down. _He really does look just like him. A bit shorter, but even the mannerisms....bloody hell._  
  
“So he’s been drinking a lot?” Regulus asked pointedly, breaking James’ train of thought.  
  
James stood silently, unsure of how to respond.  
  
“You don’t have to try and cover for him. His blood alcohol level was three times the legal limit. No surprise, really... We come from a long line of alcoholics,” he noted, folding his arms against his chest.   
  
James bit his lip, flicking ass from the tip of his cigarette.   
  
“The doctors don’t know how he was even able to operate his bike, given the state he was in... But then again, he’s Sirius Black. He’s always been able to achieve the impossible, hasn’t he?”  
  
“Well, you know as well as I that Sirius can hold his liquor,” James retorted, shrugging helplessly.  
  
Regulus nodded. “Fair warning, it might be hard to see him like this.”   
  
“We've seen him in pretty rough shape before,” James countered.  
  
Regulus' lips twitched. “I've seen my brother in hospital weighing no more than six stone on his 5’10” frame, and I'd still prefer that to seeing him like this. You know he has mental health issues, right?”   
  
James nodded grimly.  
  
“You need to make him get help. He's fucking killing himself. He keeps hurting himself and I don't know what can help him. I thought... I thought once he got away from our parents he'd be alright. But he's not.”  
  
“I don’t know how to help him. He’s been crashing and I don’t know how to help him, Reg,” James muttered, frowning.   
  
Regulus stood silent, waiting for him to continue.  
  
“He overdosed not too long ago. That was a disaster. But he agreed to go to therapy and I thought that maybe he’d be okay. But then... some bloke he was dating hit him! I walked in and saw him with a busted open lip and I just.... I don’t know what he needs, Reg! And now this...”  
  
“Your dad is a doctor isn’t he?” Regulus asked.  
  
James nodded. “Yeah. But he’s a neurologist, he can’t-”  
  
“He must know someone that could help him. Know of a treatment center that could help him. He’s a danger to himself, James. Though you know my parents would never let him get himself into any real problems with the law, even their influence can’t stop him from doing this again and killing himself.”  
  
“But you said he-”  
  
“I said that he claims he didn’t do it on purpose. I think he did. I think he wants out, if I’m being completely honest,” Regulus interrupted, sighing heavily.  
  
“I’ll see what I can do... I’ll keep in touch?” James asked weakly.  
  
“Please do.”

* * *

Sirius stared ahead at the wall as a doctor rattled off a list of ailments, focusing on the crack in the wall directly across from him. He nodded occasionally, offering little more than _mhmms_ and _okays_ in response to the doctor’s questions.  
  
“Sirius,” the doctor asked, a bit more sharply.   
  
“What?” he groaned, wincing a bit from the pain in his stomach.  
  
“Were you listening to a single word I said?”  
  
“No,” Sirius replied, shrugging his shoulders.  
  
The doctor sighed, scribbling something down onto his chart.   
  
“As of right now, we’re going to be keeping you for a minimum of five days to insure that your spleen is healing properly. You’re lucky; this could have been a lot worse. You have two broken ribs, which thankfully haven’t punctured anything. Road rash. Lacerations on your hands from the crash.Following your release, you’ll need bed-rest and to avoid strenuous activity for four to six weeks to ensure you don’t further rupture your spleen. Do you have any questions?”  
  
“What would be considered strenuous activity?” Sirius asked mildly, his lips pursed.  
  
“Heavy lifting. Participating in contact sports. Anything that could pose injury to your spleen,” the doctor elaborated.  
  
“So I can have sex.”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“Gotcha.”  
  
“You will need a follow-up contrast CT scan later this morning to ensure that you aren’t bleeding out,” the doctor noted, reading off of his chart.  
  
“What time will that be?”  
  
“Between 8am and 10am,” the doctor replied evenly.  
  
“And what time is it now?” Sirius queried.  
  
“Six am.”  
  
“Fuck,” Sirius groaned, rolling his eyes. “Can’t you give me a sedative to sleep?”  
  
“We won’t be able to give you a sedative until the alcohol passes through your system. I believe you are all too aware of the dangers of combining alcohol with benzodiazepines,” the doctor noted, offering Sirius a grim look.  
  
“And when will that be?” Sirius pressed.  
  
“You should be able to receive a sedative this afternoon.”  
  
“Fanfuckingtastic,” Sirius muttered his lips curving downward into a frown.  
  
The doctor cleared his throat. “I do need to ask that you explain the circumstances which led to your accident,” he began, eyeing Sirius suspiciously.  
  
“I wasn’t trying to kill myself,” Sirius replied automatically, anger bubbling in his chest. “I was piss drunk. It was an accident.”  
  
“Your father mentioned a mood disorder-”  
  
“I’m estranged from my father,” Sirius spat, heat rising in his cheeks. “He doesn’t know a thing about me or about what happened.”  
  
“Given your blood alcohol level at the scene of your accident, we feel that a psych eval is necessary-”  
  
“Bollocks. I don’t need another shrink. This is bullshit!” Sirius shouted, gesturing his arms wildly and wincing from the pull of the IV attached to his arm.  
  
A nurse entered the room, eyeing Sirius warily. “Mr. Black... you have visitors. Do you want to see them?” she asked.  
  
“Send them in,” Sirius replied, waving a hand dismissively.  
  
“We’ll continue this conversation when you’re feeling less irritable, Mr. Black.”

* * *

“Hey,” James said softly, entering Sirius’ room. He took a seat beside the bed, nervously ruffling his hair.  
  
“You're alive.”   
  
“I'm alive,” Sirius affirmed.   
  
“How are you feeling?”  
  
“I'm in a lot of pain.”   
  
James frowned. “What's the damage?”   
  
Sirius sighed. “Ruptured spleen, which hurts like all hell. Road rash on my face,” he noted, pointing, “and my left side. A broken rib. Lacerations on my hands. My stomach is swollen from the spleen. Blood or something. Not cute-”  
  
“Jesus fucking Christ, Padfoot. Does your vanity know no bounds? You're in the hospital. I don't think anyone is going to notice your stomach isn't perfectly flat under that hospital gown,” James interrupted, shooting Sirius an incredulous look.  
  
Sirius frowned.   
  
“What were you thinking?” James pressed.   
  
Again, Sirius shrugged. “I wasn't. I was really drunk.”   
  
James swallowed. “You’re lucky to be alive. Reg called me. I brought Lily and Remus.”   
  
Sirius nodded. “Figured as much,” he muttered.   
  
“Sirius, I’m worried-”  
  
“It’s really not a big deal, James. I’m fine!”  
  
“No. You’re not fine. They want to keep you in the hospital for at least a week. You haven’t been kept that long since-”  
  
“James,” Sirius said warningly, scowling.   
  
“I don't want to fight with you right now, Sirius. You're lying in the hospital hooked up to god knows what and it's hard enough to try not to cry, as is. But when you're all better and getting released, we're talking about this. Because you can't keep doing this to yourself, mate. You're going to get yourself killed.”  
  
“Reg said the same thing. My father was here,” Sirius noted, frowning. “I was unconscious, but still. He had to bribe the press to keep the story out of the paper.”   
  
James winced. “Reg mentioned something about the police,” he offered.   
  
“Yeah. Well you know. Driving drunk. The media would love to see a scandal like the eldest Black son arrested for drink driving. It would destroy my father's reputation. He had to squash the entire incident in a hurry,” Sirius noted, rolling his eyes.   
  
“Did you ever think that maybe the reason you do some of the things you do is because subconsciously you want someone to help you?” James asked, staring intently at his friend.  
  
“Dunno.”  
  
“Do you want me to call mum?”   
  
Sirius frowned. “She's not my-”  
  
“She's your mum too, Sirius,” James interrupted, rolling his eyes.  
  
“She doesn't know?” Sirius asked, a bit taken aback.  
  
James shrugged. “She's working an overnight at the hospital. I didn't even think to say a word to anyone when I got the call... just Lils and Remus. Picked them up and rushed here.”   
  
“James, I'm sorry,” Sirius mumbled, picking a piece of imaginary lint off of his blanket.   
  
“Are you that unhappy with your life that you want to die?”  
  
Sirius shrugged. “I don't know what's wrong with me, James.”  
  
James nodded, blinking back tears. “Right. I’m gonna... I’m gonna ring mum. She’s going to be right furious with me for not having her paged at the hospital immediately.”  
  
Sirius nodded, unsure of how to respond.   
  
“We’ll talk... We’ll talk when you’re home. I love you, Sirius.”  
  
“Jamie, stop. I’m okay, really-”  
  
“You’re not, though,” James said sadly, shaking his head. “I’ll come see you later in the day with mum, okay?”  
  
Sirius nodded. “Okay. Send Mrs. P my love.”

* * *

“Lily,” Sirius said quietly, as he caught sight of a slight figure with red hair entering his room.   
  
“Sirius,” she cried out, throwing her arms around his neck. “Thank god you're okay.”   
  
“He takes a licking and keeps on kicking,” Sirius muttered wryly.   
  
“The doctors said you're lucky, this could have turned out really badly.”  
  
Sirius frowned.   
  
“Don't look so happy, Sirius,” Lily noted, eyeing Sirius with confusion.   
  
“Everyone keeps telling me how lucky I am. I don't feel very lucky,” he muttered, folding his arms against his chest.   
  
“What makes you say that?” Lily asked softly, taking a seat in the chair beside his bed. Sirius shrugged, eyes tilted towards the floor.  
  
“I wanted to get away from everything,” he muttered, under his breath.  
  
“What are you trying to run from, Sirius?” she asked softly.  
  
Silence.   
  
“You can't run away from yourself, you know. You can try, sure. But at the end of the day, after all the sex and drugs and drinking, you're still stuck being you. That's the problem. I know you're high on morphine. And I know James and Remus and Mrs. Potter are going to baby you, but I'm going to hit you with some truth, Sirius Black.”   
  
He rolled his eyes. “Spare me, Evans.”  
  
“The next time you decide to go off the deep end, you might not walk away so easily. You owe it to yourself to invest more effort in getting well. You don't deserve to deal with this mental anguish you're suffering.”  
  
“Lily I don’t-”   
  
“Give meds another shot. If you react badly, okay. But at least then you can say you tried. You complain that you don't have any interests; find some. Ones that don't involve putting your dick in strange men. Or illegal substances. You liked playing football. Go to practices with James. Studies have shown that exercise is helpful with treating- “  
  
“Lily, stop. I don't want to-”  
  
“You don't want to change. But you need to! You need to take better care of yourself. I know it's hard, but it's important, Sirius. You need to work on developing self-care skills. You have an illness whose symptoms can be aggravated by lack of self-care. I know you don't sleep, Sirius. Ditto to eating properly. Those are basic things that can help with functioning. Trust me, I get it. There are days where I can barely stomach the notion of dragging myself out of bed and washing my hair and getting dressed. But I do because I have to.”   
  
“Lily I -”  
  
“Sirius, do you even have any way to cope with unpleasantness besides getting fucked up or shagging someone?”  
  
Sirius stared blankly.   
  
“Well, that answers that, doesn’t it?” Lily replied, eyeing him sadly.   
  
“If you don’t give a shit about yourself, at least think about what you’re doing to the people who love you. All this self-destruction isn’t only hurting you.”  
  
“What are you even talking about?” Sirius sneered.  
  
“James. _Remus_. I’ve never seen James cry. Never. Yet here we are, and he’s in the waiting room crying because he doesn’t know how to help you.”   
  
“Remus is here?”  
  
“Of course Remus is here, you dolt. He’s worried sick over you. Just because you decided to be a drama queen doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about you,” Lily retorted, rolling her eyes.  
  
“They’re making me get a psych consult. _Again_ ,” Sirius noted.  
  
“If it’d make you more comfortable, tell them you’re already seeing a psychiatrist. Request that they reach her to come see you,” Lily suggested, brushing a stray hair from out of his face.  
  
“Thanks,” Sirius replied, chewing on his lower lip.   
  
The two sat in silence for a moment, Sirius struggling to hold back tears. “Lils,” he said softly, blinking back tears as he stared down at his lap.  
  
“Yeah, Siri?”  
  
“I really... I really fucked up this time, didn’t I?”  
  
“You’re going to be okay, Sirius,” Lily replied soothingly, placing a warm hand over his cold, clammy one.  
  
“Fuck, Lily,” he sniffled, wiping his eyes with his free hand. “I- is it terrible that when I first woke up, all I could think was _I wish I hadn’t woken up_?” he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.  
  
Lily’s face crumbled as tears flowed freely down her pale, freckled cheeks.   
  
“I’m afraid that it’s never going to get better than this,” Sirius continued, his eyes focused on his lap, hiccuping as tears began to trickle down his own cheeks.  
  
Lily threw her arms around him, pulling him into a tight embrace. “I love you, Sirius.”   
  
"Love you too. Can... do you think..." he frowned, brows furrowed in concentration.  
  
"Do you want me to send Remus in?" Lily asked, offering him a small smile.  
  
Sirius nodded. "If you would," he asked, a look of relief on his face.

* * *

Remus felt bile rise in his throat as he entered Sirius' room. Sirius looked small wrapped in sterile white linens, his black hair messily pulled back into a sort of bun, to keep it from falling into his face. Remus noted that he was hooked up to no less than four machines. He took note of the IV attached to his arm. _Saline and antibiotics and painkillers._ The screen beside him showed his heart rate and pulse.   
  
Involuntarily, Remus burst into tears, trying and failing to muffle his sobs with the sleeve of his cardigan. “Sirius,” he sobbed, rushing to his side.   
  
“Hey,” Sirius replied, offering him a lazy grin.  
  
Remus winced at the sight of road rash on Sirius left cheek, starting at his chin and stopping at his temple.   
  
“It looks worse than it feels,” Sirius assured him, offering him a weak smile.   
  
“I thought you might not want to see me,” Remus sniffled in between sobs.   
  
“Why on earth wouldn't I want to see you Moony?” Sirius asked, confused.  
  
“Because... we were fighting and... I... was an arsehole-”  
  
“ Rem. _I_ was the arsehole,” Sirius interrupted.  
  
“No, I was. And now you're in the hospital and it's all my fault... I’ve been so worried, and gods, I’m sorry, Pads,” Remus gushed, tears continuing to flow down his cheeks.  
  
“Moony, stop saying you're sorry.”   
  
“I'm sorry, I can't. I just-”  
  
“Moony, please.” Sirius hoisted himself up, so that he was sitting up properly in bed. “I've missed you,” he said quietly, his gray eyes observing him carefully.  
  
“What if you had died? And the last time I’d seen you it had been us fighting? What would I have done with myself?” Remus asked, tears continuing to trickle down his cheeks.  
  
“Moony. I’m okay,” Sirius said softly, reaching out and grabbing Remus’ hand. “Hold my hand. Please.”  
  
Remus obliged, squeezing Sirius’ left hand tightly.  
  
“What happened?” he asked.  
  
“I crashed my bike on the A1. I dunno... I was drunk. I don’t remember much of it,” Sirius replied, his gray eyes clouding.  
  
“How are you feeling?” Remus asked.  
  
Sirius sighed. “Like total shite. But they’re giving me steady doses of morphine, so that helps.”  
  
“I should have been there for you when you needed me,” Remus gushed, wiping away tears with his sleeve.  
  
“Moony. It’s okay. I’m okay. Please stop crying.”  
  
“But it’s my fault. I wasn’t there and... and I set you off and I’m sorry-”  
  
Sirius interrupted him by hoisting himself up and pressing his lips to Remus’.  
  
“Been meaning to do that sober,” Sirius smirked, as he pulled away.  
  
Remus stared blankly, floored. “I...” he started, struggling to piece together words.  
  
“I like you.”  
  
“I... I like you, too.”


	8. So You're Tired of Living, and You Feel Like You Might Give In; Well, Don't

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: The song referenced in this chapter and title is A Better Place, A Better Time by Streetlight Manifesto. I highly recommend giving it a listen.

James nervously paced the hallway, waiting for his father. At Regulus’ request, he had called his father, asking to meet with him, to talk about Sirius. Dr. Charles Potter had a 9 am appointment with a client, and had told James to meet him at his office. He glanced at his watch: 10:04. _Should be here any minute now._ He tapped his foot impatiently, squinting in an attempt to see down the long corridor. At last, he caught sight of familiar messy black hair, striding down the hall. “Dad,” James called out, offering his father a slight wave.  
  
“James,” Dr. Potter noted, eyeing his son with concern. “What’s wrong, your mother called me in a panic, something about Sirius-”  
  
“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about,” James interrupted, biting his lip.  
  
Charles nodded, motioning towards his office. “I assume this calls for privacy?” he asked.  
  
James nodded, following his father inside.  
  
“Sirius had an accident,” James started, once the pair were settled.   
  
“What happened?”  
  
James began to relay the details of the evening, including Regulus’ concern for Sirius’ mental state.  
  
“Do you believe he is suicidal?” Dr. Potter asked, his tone somber.  
  
James shrugged, unsure of how to respond. “I dunno, dad. I just... I think he doesn’t _care_ what happens to him, one way or the other.”  
  
Dr. Potter nodded. “I know that he recently started seeing someone, what was her name again?”  
  
“Dr. Fairgood,” James quipped, eyeing his father expectantly.  
  
Dr. Potter grinned, nodding his head. “Ah yes, Emily. I know her quite well... I assume you would like for me to reach out to her and express my concern?” he asked, looking to James for confirmation.  
  
“Please, if you could... I don’t know what’s wrong with him, and I’m just afraid... he... He was totally indifferent to the fact that he could have died. He brushed it off like it was nothing, even though he’s lying in the hospital with a ruptured spleen and broken ribs. I can’t keep watching him do this to himself... someone needs to make him get some help. You know people, can’t you just get him admitted somewhere, to some treatment facility where he’ll be safe and they’ll get him well?”  
  
Dr. Potter sighed. “Son. I know that it’s difficult, to watch someone you care about caught in a cycle of self-abuse, but you need to understand that it’s never so simple as making someone get help. Sirius is... well, there’s really no getting around it, he’s mentally ill. Mental illness is a complicated thing, James. Mental illness distorts reality, rewires the brain, forces those suffering with it to ignore basic instincts for self-preservation. You’re not going to be able to rush in and save him, James. And you need to keep in mind, that while it seems perfectly obvious to you that he’s putting himself in danger, he most likely can’t comprehend that. I’m only speaking based on my experience during a psych rotation as an intern, but Sirius has exhibited textbook symptoms of a borderline personality for years now.”  
  
James nodded, wringing his hands in his lap. “I know, but if we forced him to get treatment, maybe-”  
  
“Treatment works best when the patient willingly agrees to it. I don’t want to discourage you, James, but I want you to be realistic in approaching this. The best thing we can do for Sirius is to express our concern about him and to address any immediate danger he may pose to himself. Dr. Fairgood is an excellent psychiatrist, and I have the utmost trust in her to determine what steps need to be taken to ensure Sirius’ safety.”  
  
“So you’ll tell her he’s suicidal,” James noted, shooting his father an expectant look.  
  
“I will express concern to her that he appears to be exhibiting symptoms of passive suicidal ideation. She will meet with him to conduct a screening, review his case, and consult with the admitting doctor at St. Mary’s to determine if precautionary measures need to be taken,” Dr. Potter explained, his voice calm.   
  
“I just want him to be okay,” James muttered, frowning.  
  
“I know, son. We all do. I just want you to understand that this isn’t something that is just going to go away overnight. This is something Sirius has to live with, and learn how to manage. I do think medication could help, but we’ll leave that decision to Dr. Fairgood.”  
  
James nodded. “Thanks, dad. So you’ll call her?”  
  
“I’ll call her, James. Your mother is at St. Mary’s. You should go and meet her. I have appointments I can’t cancel, but I’ll be there to see Sirius this evening.”  
  
James nodded. “But you’ll call her, right? And make sure she goes to see him before he gets released from the hospital?” he asked, tapping his foot nervously.  
  
“I’ll call her immediately if it will put you at ease, James.”  
  
James nodded. “Thanks, dad.”

* * *

Sirius stared down at his hands, silent. He’d had his CT scan completed, but had yet to hear back on the results. The resident psychiatrist had stopped by his room, who had agreed to contact Dr. Fairgood, assuring him that she would be coming to see him at some point later in the day. He glanced at the side table beside his bed, where a plastic bag containing the clothes he’d had on during the accident rested. _I wonder if I had my cell on me. I don’t remember if I left it at home or not. Fuck._ He lifted his head in surprise as he heard a soft tapping on the door to the room.   
  
“Sirius,” Mrs. Potter said softly, eyeing him with concern.  
  
Sirius remained silent, his stomach filling with dread. _What do I even say to her? She’s probably disgusted with me._ “I’m sorry,” he muttered lowly, head tilted down.  
  
“What are you apologizing for, sweetheart?” Mrs. Potter asked, laughing.   
  
Sirius shrugged, watching as Mrs. Potter settled into the chair beside him. _She’s still in her scrubs. Must have come from work._ “I’m sorry I couldn’t get here sooner,” she apologized, gently smoothing Sirius’ hair back with her gentle touch. “I can’t believe James didn’t ring me as soon as he got word... how are you feeling?”  
  
“I’m okay,” Sirius replied, wincing slightly as he adjusted himself so that he was slightly inclined in bed. _The morphine must be wearing off._  
  
“What happened, Sirius?” she asked, her brows still furrowed with concern.  
  
“I crashed my bike driving drunk, I don’t know. I don’t know,” Sirius replied helplessly. It would be useless to lie, especially to Mrs. Potter.   
  
Mrs. Potter sighed, again reaching forward to smooth his hair. “We’ll sort everything out, Sirius. Did the police-”  
  
“My father already handled all of that... He arranged to have the charges dropped. And ensured it stayed out of the paper. I just have to heal, I suppose,” Sirius interrupted, feeling a wave of nausea at the mention of his father.  
  
Mrs. Potter nodded. “Good. So... you know we have to talk about what happened.”  
  
Sirius sighed, uncomfortable. “I don’t know, it was an accident.”  
  
Mrs. Potter sighed, offering him a weak smile. “Sirius, I like to think that I know my sons. Something happened that triggered this and-”  
  
“I’m not your son,” Sirius said lowly, staring down at his lap. “I’m just... James’ friend that you took in.”  
  
“That’s nonsense, Sirius. I have watched you grow up since you and James were in play school together. You’re my son and I love you. So please, tell me what’s wrong so I can help you.”  
  
Sirius sighed, blinking back tears. “I got kicked out of university.”  
  
Mrs. Potter nodded, still eyeing Sirius with concern. “Do you want to tell me what happened?”  
  
“You’re not mad?” Sirius asked, perplexed.  
  
“I’m not mad at you, Sirius. I’m worried. Concerned, certainly. But I’m not angry,” Mrs. Potter assured him, leaning forward to brush Sirius’ hair from out of his eyes. “I can’t help you make things better if I don’t know what’s wrong, you know,” she said lightly, squeezing his hand in hers.  
  
Sirius nodded, blinking back tears. “They um.. they put me out on a mandatory medical leave. Because of last term.”  
  
Mrs. Potter nodded, lips pursed together. “Because of your hospitalization?”  
  
Sirius nodded. “The department head found out about it and... I guess other students complained about me. I was out of it, everyone could see my bandages from where I slashed my wrists open and... I made people uncomfortable, I guess.”  
  
Mrs. Potter nodded, waiting for him to continue.  
  
“I had a meeting with the department head and my adviser... I guess they decided that I’m a danger to myself and others or something... I don’t know, I didn’t read past the part about mandatory medical leave in the letter they sent,” Sirius concluded, shrugging.  
  
“Do you ever want to hurt yourself, Sirius?” Mrs. Potter asked softly, her voice barely above a whisper.  
  
Sirius shrugged. “I don’t know,” he muttered, staring down at his lap. “I just... mostly I just don’t want to think. About anything. I just want to get away and not have to deal with all of... this,” he continued, gesturing towards himself.   
  
Mrs. Potter nodded, her lips forming a sad smile. “I know, love. I know... we’re going to get through this, you know that, right?” she asked, again squeezing his hand.  
  
Sirius shook his head no, tears beginning to trickle down his cheeks. “I just feel so alone...” he whispered, squeezing his eyes shut.   
  
He felt a tingling sensation run down his spine as Mrs. Potter enveloped him into a hug, squeezing him tightly. “I know that you may feel that way, but I can assure you that you’re _not_ alone, Sirius. You have so many people who love you and care about you and want to help you. We’re here for you.”  
  
Sirius nodded, tears still flowing freely. “I don’t... I don’t know if I can do this... I’m so fucking tired... I’m so tired of being crazy.”  
  
“You’re not crazy, Sirius. You have an illness. There’s no shame in it. You need some help getting it under control. I promise you that things _will_ get better. We’re going to get you feeling better. Whatever you need, we’ll do.”  
  
“But... I just... everything is falling apart. I don’t have school. I don’t have Mark. Everything is falling in on me and I just... I feel like I can’t do anything but watch everything shatter to pieces around me,” Sirius sobbed, gasping for breath as he struggled to verbalize his thoughts.   
  
“I know... I know, love. Things are hard right now. But you _will_ get through this,” Mrs. Potter said calmly, soothingly rubbing his back.  
  
“I just...”  
  
“You’re exhausted. You need some rest.”  
  
“I don’t know what I did with my phone...” Sirius mumbled, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand.  
  
Mrs. Potter smiled, reaching into her handbag. “James mentioned that you probably left your phone at home, so I popped in and grabbed it after my shift,” she explained, handing him his phone.   
  
Sirius nodded, stifling a yawn. _I’m so tired._ “Thanks,” he said quietly, offering Mrs. Potter a small grin.   
  
“Why don’t you try and get some rest, dear?” Mrs. Potter suggested.  
  
Sirius nodded. “Alright,” he agreed, sinking back down into bed.  
  
“Get some rest, love. I’m going to go home and sort out some of your things to bring. Anything in particular that you’d like?”  
  
Sirius shrugged, his eyelids feeling heavy with sleep. “I dunno...” he mumbled, his head falling limply towards his left shoulder.  
  
“Alright. I’ll see you later this afternoon, okay?” Mrs. Potter asked.  
  
Sirius nodded. Once Mrs. Potter had left the room, he turned his attention to his cell phone. He cringed at the the sight of multiple missed calls and incoming texts. Sighing, he pressed messages, scanning the frantic texts from his friends. _Remus texted me eighty times. Jesus Christ._ He felt a jolt of shock wave through him as his phone began to vibrate in his hand. Lily had texted him. **And when you wake up, everything is going to be fine. I guarantee that you wake in a better place, in a better time. So you’re tired of living, you feel like you might give in; well don’t. It’s not your time. https://youtu.be/u2yeNzL7rTU?list=RDu2yeNzL7rTU**  
  
Sirius clicked the link, setting the volume on his phone to low as the song began to play. He lay still for several minutes, his thoughts racing as the song played, pressing replay twice, mesmerized by the lyrics. Sirius sniffled, wiping away tears he wasn’t aware had been trickling down his cheeks. With vision slightly blurred from the moisture in his eyes, he hastily typed a message back to Lily. **Thank you. Really. xx.** Yawning, Sirius curled up onto his side, struggling to get comfortable on the thin hospital bed mattress. Phone still clutched in his right hand, he shut his eyes, falling into unconsciousness.

* * *

“So how’d your visit with Sirius go?” Lily asked.  
  
Remus shrugged, staring up at the ceiling. The pair had returned to Remus’ apartment after seeing Sirius, where Remus had immediately sprawled out on the couch. “It went okay,” he said, feeling his pulse quicken at the thought of Sirius. He smiled, thinking back to the kiss they’d shared. Though it had been brief, and quite chaste, it had still sent electricity shooting through Remus’ entire body. _Oh gods, I want to kiss him again._  
  
“What happened?” Lily asked, rising gracefully from the armchair she’d settled into and hovering over him.  
  
“Nothing,” Remus replied, lips still curled into a small smile.  
  
“Bollocks. You’re smiling. Tell me what happened.”  
  
Remus sighed, swinging his legs off of the couch, sitting upright. “We just... he kissed me- ow! What was that for?” Remus asked, rubbing his right arm.  
  
“Serves you right! I can’t believe you waited until _now_ to tell me he bloody kissed you. You’re a shite friend, Remus Lupin,” Lily laughed, shaking her head.  
  
“He told me he likes me.”  
  
“Finally! And you told him you did too, right? I swear Remus if you wimped out, I’ll call the bloke up and tell him, myself!”  
  
“I- I did, Lils. It was just... It was surreal, you know. Like I wanted to pinch myself to make sure it wasn’t a dream,” Remus said softly, smiling sheepishly.  
  
“Christ, you’re a sap, Rem.”  
  
“So what do I do about this, Lils?”  
  
“What do you mean?” Lily asked, joining Remus on the couch.  
  
Remus frowned. “Well... where do I go from here? He said he likes me. And I like him... Do I... do I ask him out on a date?”  
  
“Oh, so you didn’t ask him to be your boyfriend yet?” Lily teased.  
  
“What, no, gods Lils, you’re so- stop. I just... I finally told him, _Sirius_ , my best friend, the guy I’ve liked-”  
  
“Pined over,” Lily interrupted, correcting him. “The guy you’ve _pined_ over for four years.”  
  
“I’m just overwhelmed. I never expected this to... I’m flustered.”  
  
“You’re adorable.”  
  
“Fuck you.”  
  
“Just hang out with him when he gets released. Talk to him about what you guys want to do.”  
  
Remus stared, horrified. “Oh gods, Lily. He’s... I don’t know what to do. I mean, he’s in the hospital. He’s a fucking mess. I don’t... Dd you think it’d even be wise to pursue a relationship when...” he trailed off, resting his head in his hands.  
  
“You’re afraid that he’ll use you like a crutch to avoid dealing with his issues,” Lily elaborated, resting a hand gently on his shoulder.  
  
“Yeah,” Remus agreed, sighing heavily. “That’s what he does, isn’t it? Every time something goes wrong in his life, he gets himself into a new relationship and throws himself full-forced into it until he burns out and crashes again.”  
  
“That’s understandable. But I mean, there has to be a balance. I think... I do think that it might behoove him to work on learning how to deal with some of his issues if he had a special someone supporting him,” Lily said slowly, her words carefully thought out.  
  
“What do you mean, exactly?”  
  
Lily bit her lip, thinking for a moment. “Well, you know... Sirius has trust issues. His family is shite. He has a long list of intense, unstable relationships. He flits around from one person to the next and I think a lot of that stems from fear of abandonment. It’s easier to leave before you’re left, you know? I’ve gotten the impression over the years that Sirius doesn’t recognize that people care about him. It just totally goes over his head. So maybe if he _had_ someone in his life that could assure him that they’re there for him and care about him and support him, he might be motivated to try and get better. It’s hard trying to build up the motivation to _want_ to get better for yourself... because in most cases with these sorts of issues... well, you hate yourself. You don’t think you’re worth saving. So it’s easier to start out by wanting to get better _for_ someone else. I... you know I’ve dealt with depression for a long time, Rem, right?”  
  
Remus nodded. “Yeah, of course.”  
  
Lily swallowed, her eyes darting to the floor. “When we were sixteen, I was suicidal. I was going to... I tried to...” she paused, tears welling in her eyes. “James found me. He didn’t know that I was going to... you know. But he must have sensed something was wrong, because he refused to leave my side. He sat in the lounge with me all night. And for the first time ever, he didn’t talk me to death. We just sat there and watched the telly... I don’t even know what was on, I think it was old episodes of Ally McBeal, something just dreadful that I’m sure he hated. But he watched with me and would occasionally try and make conversation with me. Asking what my summer plans were, where I wanted to apply for uni. And he just kept saying really nice things about me, Rem. Like how he wished that he had my knack for chemistry, because he was absolute pants at it, and he knew he could never follow in his dad’s footsteps and study medicine. And just by the way he looked at me, for the first time it dawned on me that he wasn’t just this arrogant rich boy prat who thought he could _have_ me simply because he was James Potter. He looked at me like I was... like I was something _special_. And that really struck me, because I didn’t feel that way about myself, at all.”  
  
Remus nodded, placing a hand over Lily’s trembling one. “Are you okay?” he asked, concerned.  
  
Lily nodded, sniffling. “I’m sorry, I just... it’s still hard to talk about, you know?” She cleared her throat, sniffling back a few tears. “Anyway, when I decided to start going back to therapy and really _trying_ to manage my depression, I did it for him. Like, I couldn’t rationalize in my head wanting to get better for _me._ So I told myself ‘I’m going to try and deal with all of these bad thoughts in my head because I want to be able to see what James sees in me. I want to understand why he was looking at me like I’m special.’ And I kept telling myself that until I was able to want it for myself.”  
  
“Lily, I didn’t know you-”  
  
“I didn’t advertise it, Rem. Only Sev knew. I mean... everyone knew I wasn’t quite right, but... it’s embarrassing. I didn’t want everyone to think I was crazy,” Lily explained, her voice barely above a whisper.  
  
Remus nodded, unsure of what to say.  
  
“The hardest part of having a mental disorder is accepting that it’s a part of you and that all you can do is manage it to keep symptoms at bay. It’s a delicate balancing act, and it takes work. Which is why in the beginning, it really... at least for me... made it easier to take those first steps, having someone in my life that I wanted to get better for.”  
  
“It makes sense... I _want_ to be there for him. If I could help him, I’d do anything, you know that,” Remus said softly, gazing down at the floor.  
  
“I know... that’s why you’re really perfect for him, if you think about it. He already trusts you. He knows you care about him... you’re good for him, Rem.”  
  
“We’re going to have to talk to him about all of this, you know. He needs to start taking care of himself,” Remus noted, sighing. “That’s going to be an ugly scene.”  
  
“I know,” Lily agreed, nodding. “But we have to. It’s past the point of pretending this never happened and carrying on as if everything is normal. He needs some help.”  
  
“I know... He’s still going to be angry, though.”  
  
“Let him be angry. Part of being a good friend is looking out for their best interests. He’s suicidal, Rem.”  
  
Remus froze, mouth ajar. “What?” he asked dumbly, brows furrowed in confusion.  
  
“I mean... maybe not actively suicidal, but he’s passively suicidal, Remus. He told me his first thought after regaining consciousness was that he wished he hadn’t woken up. That’s not... he’s not in a good place,” Lily continued, her eyes watering.  
  
“Did you, does James-”  
  
“James knows. I didn’t tell him what Sirius said, but I pointedly agreed with Regulus’ comments to him about Sirius’ mental state... he went to see his dad. I think he’s going to tell Sirius’ therapist that everyone is concerned about his mental state...” Lily interrupted, biting her lip nervously.  
  
“Good. So they’ll... they’ll make sure he’s safe, right?”  
  
Lily nodded. “They’ll probably do an evaluation, and put into motion any steps that need to be taken to ensure he stays safe. So long as he isn’t actively suicidal, I imagine they’ll sort out some sort of safety plan to adhere to, should he begin to exhibit warning signs of suicidal ideation,” she explained.  
  
Remus nodded, blinking back tears.  
  
“He’s going to be okay, Remus.”  
  
“Promise?”  
  
“Promise.”


	9. For the First Time in a Long Time I Can Say That I Want to Try to Get Better

"Hello Sirius," Dr. Fairgood said cheerfully, entering his room.  
  
Sirius looked up from his phone, suppressing a groan. "Hi," he replied shortly, turning his attention back to his phone.  
  
"How are you feeling?" Dr. Fairgood prompted, taking a seat beside his bed.  
  
Sirius shrugged, scrolling through his Facebook news-feed. "Fine," he muttered, chewing his bottom lip.  _I should have just seen the resident shrink. I could have just bullshitted my way through another psych eval. Fuck._  
  
"Would you like to put your phone down, for the moment?" Dr. Fairgood asked, her tone clearly indicating that she was demanding, not asking him to do so.  
  
Sirius rolled his eyes, making a great show of slamming his phone down onto his bedside table. "There," he muttered, scowling.  
  
"I understand you were in an accident," Dr. Fairgood noted, procuring a notepad from her handbag.  
  
Sirius shrugged. "Obviously," he snorted, folding his arms against his chest.  
  
"You were driving drunk."  
  
Sirius remained silent.  
  
"I know that we've discussed this before, but I want to ask you some questions about your drinking habits."  
  
Sirius frowned. "If you're going to tell me I'm an alcoholic, just go ahead and say it. It's rubbish. I drink because I want to, not because I  _need_  to," he sneered.  
  
Dr. Fairgood scribbled something down on her pad, a single eyebrow raised. "Have you been drinking more than usual, lately?" she asked.  
  
Sirius shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe."  
  
"Have you been drinking as a means to cope with difficult or uncomfortable feelings?"  
  
"No."  _Yes._  
  
"Have you blacked out from drinking in the past month."  
  
"Yes," Sirius agreed reluctantly, knuckles white as he clenched his fist. "The night of my accident."  
  
Dr. Fairgood nodded. "Have any friends or family expressed concern about your drinking?"  
  
"No."  _Yes._  
  
"Do you feel out of control?"  
  
"Yes. But not with my drinking," Sirius muttered, scowling.  
  
"What do you mean by that?" she asked calmly, crossing one slim leg over the other.  
  
Sirius shrugged. "I don't know... I just... Everything is falling apart and I don't know what I can do to stop it. Or if I even want to."  
  
"The admitting physician has expressed concern that your accident may have been a result of suicidal thoughts... I'm going to ask you a series of questions, alright?"  
  
Sirius frowned, shaking his head. "I'm not suicidal! I didn't... I didn't do it on purpose, Christ! I just... I got drunk and was careless."  
  
"Your blood alcohol level was three times the legal limit, Sirius. Were you aware of that?" she asked calmly, her expression neutral.  
  
Sirius shook his head. "No, I didn't. So what? What does that mean?"  
  
"It's worrisome that you were able to even operate a moving vehicle when you were heavily intoxicated."  
  
Sirius shrugged. "I don't know what you want me to say."  
  
"I want you to understand that concern has been raised over your well-being. I am legally obligated to assess your mental status to ensure your safety. Your answers to these questions will stay between you and I."  
  
"You're going to have me committed to some mental ward, aren't you?" Sirius asked accusingly, temper rising.  
  
"No, Sirius. That isn't what this is about. As your doctor, I am assessing how best to proceed with your treatment. You've been in an accident as a result of your drinking. Reckless behavior is as you are well aware, a common symptom of borderline personality disorder, and this incident falls into that category. We need to come up with a treatment plan to work on controlling the negative symptoms and behaviors you exhibit. Conducting this assessment is the first step, alright?"  
  
Sirius remained silent, scowling.  
  
"You told me before that you don't want to feel this way, Sirius. I believe your words were that you feel  _crazy_ , correct?"  
  
Sirius nodded.  
  
"Do you  _want_  to get better, Sirius?"  
  
Sirius remained silent for several minutes.  _Remus would want me to say yes_. Tersely, Sirius nodded. "I just don't want to feel crazy, anymore. I'm so tired," he said lowly, staring down at his lap.  
  
Dr. Fairgood cleared her throat. "Have you ever wished you were dead or wished you could go to sleep and not wake up?"  
  
Sirius paused, taken aback by her question. "I guess... Sometimes," he mumbled.  
  
"Have you actually had any thoughts of killing yourself?"  
  
Sirius frowned. "Not recently," he replied, biting his lip.  
  
"Have you ever done anything, started to do anything, or prepared to do anything to end your life?"  
  
"I tried to kill myself a few months ago. You know that, already. I slashed my wrists open," Sirius replied, shrugging.  
  
"Do you ever put yourself into compromising situations in the hope of harming yourself?"  
  
Sirius' brows furrowed, confused. "What do you mean by that?"  
  
"For example, have you ever drank too much or taken too many pills in the hopes that something bad would happen to you as a result?"  
  
Sirius stared down at his lap.  _Yes._  
  
"Sirius?  
  
"I wish I was dead. I'm so fucking tired of  _all of this_ ," he muttered angrily, gesturing wildly. "I fucking hate my life. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it."  
  
"Sirius," Dr. Fairgood said calmly, eyeing him with concern.  
  
"That's what you all want me to say, isn't it?" he shrieked, angry tears welling in his eyes. "Isn't it? I didn't fucking try to kill myself! But I'm sorry that I didn't. I wish I hadn't woken up."  
  
The two sat in silence for several minutes, Dr. Fairgood's expression calm, apparently nonplussed by Sirius' outburst.  
  
Sirius breathed heavily, nostrils flared in rage. The monitor beside him beeped as his heart-rate increased.  
  
"I don't believe you're actively suicidal," Dr. Fairgood said finally, her tone neutral.  
  
"Great, that's wonderful," Sirius retorted sarcastically, rolling his eyes.  
  
"However, as I told you before, I  _do_  believe you have passive suicidal ideation. And as I've said before, that can be just as dangerous as being actively suicidal."  
  
Sirius rolled his eyes. "So what are you telling me? Are you going to lock me up in the loony bin or what?" he snarled, sharp canine teeth bared as he curled his upper lip.  
  
"If you would agree to it, I would like to have a meeting with you and your parents-"  
  
"I'm estranged from my parents," Sirius interrupted, scowling.  
  
"You live with Dr. and Mrs. Potter, correct?"  
  
Sirius nodded.  
  
"I would like for Dr. and Mrs. Potter to join us in a meeting to discuss developing an action plan to put into place, should you find yourself beginning to have active suicidal thoughts. It would serve a dual purpose in acting as safety plan, in an effort to begin to manage your impulsive, self-destructive behavior," Dr. Fairgood continued, jotting something down on her notepad.  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
Dr. Fairgood coughed, clearing her throat. "Well, together we would discuss and identify things that trigger impulsive behavior in you: thoughts; moods; situations, whatever it may be that sets you off and makes you react with such behaviors," she began, looking at Sirius expectantly.  
  
"Okay," he muttered, nodding. "What else?"  
  
"Next, we'd compile a list of internal coping strategies you can use should you find yourself being triggered by something."  
  
Sirius rolled his eyes. "And?"  
  
"The third step would be compiling a list of people and places that could provide a distraction."  
  
"Okay," Sirius muttered. "That's fine. Whatever. I don't see why  _they_  need to be a part of this."  
  
"Part of successfully managing an illness like Borderline Personality Disorder is building a support system that you can utilize to help you through your struggles. As you are living with the Potters', one would assume that they, as your de facto  _family_  would be an integral part of your support system. Including them in creating this safety plan would help them understand what you're feeling and going through and how they can help you. Does that make sense to you?"  
  
Sirius nodded. "Yeah, I guess so," he agreed.  
  
"Would you feel comfortable having the Potters join us, right now?" Dr. Fairgood asked, eyeing him expectantly.  
  
Sirius shrugged. "Yeah... I guess so."

* * *

Sirius stared down at his lap as the Potters entered his hospital room. He chewed on his lower lip as Dr. Fairgood explained to him what they had discussed minutes prior.  _Let's get this fucking over with. Why did I even agree to this, oh god, I can't do this.._  
  
"Sirius," Dr. Fairgood said calmly, drawing Sirius' attention.  
  
"Hmm," he muttered, at last glancing up.  
  
He winced, uncomfortable by the four sets of eyes gazing at him.  
  
"Would you like to tell the Potters how you've been feeling?"  
  
Sirius shrugged. "I don't know... Everything has just been shite lately. I... well, I guess you all know I got kicked out of uni. Because I was acting crazy. I don't know how to control myself... I just... I get into these moods and I don't even know why I do the things I do. I just... I don't know," he mumbled, staring down at his hands, picking at the scabs begging to form from his scrapes.  
  
"Sirius has agreed to creating a safety plan to put in place, should he begin to have thoughts or feelings that might lead him to do things that could put himself in danger," Dr. Fairgood continued, turning her gaze towards the Potters. "Dr. Potter, as we discussed before, you and your wife would like to be a part of Sirius' treatment, correct?"  
  
"Of course," Mrs. Potter said, tears forming in her eyes. "Anything that we can do to help."  
  
"Obviously, Sirius will need a support system to help him with managing his illness. As his family, it is important that you understand what triggers him and what you can do to help," Dr. Fairgood noted, turning her attention to Sirius.  
  
"This is so stupid," Sirius muttered, crossing his arms.  
  
"I think it's a good idea," James said lowly, shooting Sirius a pleading look.  
  
"I'm not a fucking child, James. I don't need a  _safety plan_ ," he scoffed. "Sirius, it's a precautionary measure. It's not meant to belittle you or imply that you  _need_  it. A safety plan is just that; an action plan put into place should an occasion arise a need for it," Dr. Potter noted, looking to Dr. Fairgood for confirmation.  
  
"Precisely," Dr. Fairgood agreed, nodding. "The idea behind it is to have a resource to go to  _should you be_  in a moment of crisis. When you're in a panic or having urges, it's difficult to focus and think rationally. Having a written down plan gives you a tool to take control of your impulses and choose an alternative coping mechanism."  
  
"I guess," Sirius sighed. "Fine. Let's just do this, then."

* * *

**Patient Safety Plan- Sirius Orion Black III**  
  
_**1\. Warning signs that a crisis may be developing:**  
  
Dissociating  
  
Urge to drink/use  
  
Contact from birth family  
  
Sudden change in mood  
  
Uncontrollable anger  
  
**2\. Internal coping strategies:**  
  
Taking a hot shower/nap  
  
Visualization  
  
Deep breathing  
  
Going for a run  
  
**3\. People and social settings that provide distraction:**  
  
Lily Evans  
  
Remus Lupin  
  
coffee shop  
  
the gym  
  
**4\. People whom I can ask for help:**  
  
James Potter  
  
Dr.  & Mrs. Potter  
  
Remus Lupin  
  
Lily Evans  
  
**5\. Professionals or agencies I can contact during a crisis:**  
  
Dr. Fairgood  
  
Dr. Riviera  
  
St. Mary's Emergency Room  
  
**6\. Making the environment safe:**  
  
Keeping drugs/alcohol out of reach  
  
Having car keys taken away if necessary  
  
*The one thing most important to me and worth living for is: Remus Lupin._

* * *

Sirius lay sprawled out on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. He'd been released from the hospital four days prior. The drive home had been quiet and uncomfortable, Sirius refusing to answer any of James or Mrs. Potter's questions about how he was feeling. As soon as the car had pulled into the driveway, Sirius had darted towards the house, clamoring up the stairs to his room, where he promptly locked his door. James and the Potters, sensing his irritability, had given him space, leaving Sirius to his own devices. He'd reluctantly answered text messages from Lily and Remus, asking him if he had been released from the hospital, then decided to turn off his phone. While he'd been desperate for outside contact while in the hospital, the very thought of having to speak to anyone about how he was  _feeling_  or  _what had happened_  made Sirius feel claustrophobic. He needed space. He needed to  _breathe_. Pointedly ignoring the safety contract he'd reluctantly placed on his desk, Sirius had elected to snort two xanax bars, in the hope of getting some sleep. Once he'd taken the xanax, he'd turned on his favorite relaxing iTunes play list, which he'd created for such occasions, and lied down on his floor, staring up at the ceiling.  _Just like old times, back at boarding school._  The only thing that had been missing was Moony. _Moony_. Despite the kiss and quiet confession exchanged the morning after his accident, Sirius had yet to broach the topic with Remus again. He'd spoken with Remus since then, certainly. Remus had come to visit him every day, filling him in on what was going on with their friends, what books he was reading, and what had happened at the cafe Remus worked at part-time. With each day that passed, he had started to feel more like himself. He'd showered, talked to Mrs. Potter, and eaten a few meals, though he'd mostly kept to himself, staying in his room.  
  
Sirius turned his head, his thoughts interrupted by a knock on his door. "Come in," he called out, arching his back to stretch.  
  
James emerged through the door, eyeing Sirius cautiously. "Hey," he said quietly, pausing just inside the doorway.  
  
"What's up?" Sirius asked, raising an eyebrow.  
  
"How're you feeling? You've been pretty... quiet the past couple of days?" James stammered, shoving his hands in his pockets.  
  
"I'm okay. Just... Needed to rest, you know?" Sirius replied, sitting up and turning to face James.  
  
"What day is it?" Sirius asked, wrinkling his nose. Though he'd turned his phone back on and had responded to a select few messages from friends, he'd somehow lost track of how much time had passed since his release.  
  
"It's Friday," James replied lightly, relaxing some and taking a seat at Sirius' desk.  
  
"Ah, so it's the weekend, at last. What's the plan?" Sirius asked excitedly.  
  
"Well, Marlene is having a party tonight," James started.  
  
"Oh?" Sirius asked.  
  
"Yeah. I don't know if you're feeling up for it, but-"  
  
"No, of course I am. I want to go out," Sirius said eagerly, eyes brightening with excitement.  
  
"Alright," James agreed, grinning as well.  
  
"James..." Sirius started, a worried look forming on his face.  
  
"What's up?" James asked, unnerved by Sirius' sudden change in mood.  
  
"Do people know?" Sirius asked quietly, biting his lower lip.  
  
James eyed him critically for a moment. "We didn't tell anyone you were in the hospital, Pads. So unless you mentioned it to anyone, no one knows."  
  
"Okay," Sirius said quietly, nodding.  
  
"Did you?" James asked curiously.  
  
"No. I didn't... its not something I wanted advertised, I guess. That's the last thing I need... Another incident showing what a bloody trainwreck I am," Sirius said wryly, lips pursed together.  
  
"Of course," James agreed.  
  
"So what time should we go over?" Sirius asked, changing the subject.  
  
"Dunno, nine or ten?"  
  
"Works for me," Sirius noted glancing at his phone. It was 7:30.  
  
"You going to drink?" James asked cautiously.  
  
"Yeah," Sirius agreed, shooting James a pointed look. "And?"  
  
"Nothing, nothing. Just... " he trailed off, sighing.  
  
"What, James?" Sirius pressed, a hint of anger in his tone.  
  
"Nothing, Sirius. Just, you're not..." he nodded towards Sirius' desk, where the safety contract was in sight.  
  
"I'm not drinking because I'm angry or upset, James. I'm going to drink because it's a party and it's fun and I want to let off a little steam after all this bullshit," he said tersely, arms folded against his chest.  
  
James nodded, rubbing the back of his neck with his right hand. "Okay, okay. Let's have a bite to eat then, since I suppose we're getting pissed tonight?" he suggested, smiling brightly.  
  
"Sure," Sirius agreed, smiling as well. "Food sounds good."

* * *

Sirius stood beside James and Lily, staring down into his drink as Marlene chattered away about her latest make up/break up with Fabian Prewett. He brought his beer bottle to his lips, taking a swig. He nodded as Marlene turned her attention to him, asking whether she had made the right choice in breaking things off again.  
  
"I mean, he just fucks everyone, anyway. Why pretend he cares about me and will change when I know he'll be back in some other girls knickers within three days, right?" She asked, rolling her eyes dramatically.  
  
Sirius nodded. "No point, then," he agreed chugging the last of his beer. "Got anything a bit stronger, Marley?" he asked sweetly, offering the blonde one of his most charming smiles.  
  
"I'll share my vodka with you if you'll do shots with me, "Marlene replied, shooting him a knowing grin.  
  
James and Lily exchanged looks. "I don't know- "  
  
"Oh come on, James, it's a party. Lighten up," Sirius whined, pouting.  
  
James sighed. "Don't overdo it," Lily said softly, resting her hand lightly on James' shoulder as he opened his mouth to protest.  
  
Sirius smirked, triumphant. "Cheers, Lils," he said lightly, clinking his empty beer bottle to hers.  
  
James frowned as he watched Marlene lead Sirius into the kitchen. "I don't think this is a good idea," he muttered, taking a sip of his beer.  
  
"I think he's okay, James. I mean he's been in good spirits all night, and you drove here so you don't have to worry about him up and leaving... he's had a miserable couple of days. Let him relax some."  
  
James sighed. "I guess you're right... I just worry. "  
  
"I know dear," Lily laughed, kissing him lightly on the lips. "When is Remus getting here?" she asked, craning her neck to get a better view of the front door.  
  
James shrugged. "He said he'd be here after he got off work at eleven. Why?"  
  
"Oh, no reason," Lily shrugged, her expression unreadable. "Has he um, been to see Sirius since he got home?"  
  
"Nah. Sirius wanted to be alone. He spent the first day sleeping, then he talked to mum for hours the next day. He's mostly just lounged about the house. I think he wanted to decompress some after having all that attention focused on him," James elaborated.  
  
Lily nodded. "Makes sense," she noted, barely concealing a smirk on her face.  
  
"You know something, " James said suddenly, eyeing Lily suspiciously.  
  
"What do you mean?" Lily laughed, glancing down at the floor.  
  
"Did Remus-"  
  
"Oh Christ, James. You never let me have any fun. They kissed. And admitted that they fancy one another," Lily interrupted, pouting.  
  
James paused, taken aback. "So are they dating now?"  
  
Lily shook her head. "No, no. Remus said they haven't even broached the subject since it happened... I was just curious as to whether he's been holding out on me or not."  
  
"God you're a busy body, aren't you?" James teased.  
  
"I just think they'd be a cute couple, is all," Lily protested, blushing.  
  
"Who'd be a cute couple?" Remus asked lightly, approaching the pair.  
  
"Oh, Remus!" Lily cried, throwing her arms around his neck. "You're here!"  
  
"Got out a little early," Remus noted, taking a sip of his beer. "Where's Sirius? Did he change his mind about coming?"  
  
Lily and James exchanged looks, the corners of Lily's mouth rising into a smirk. "What's that look for, Lils?" Remus asked suspiciously.  
  
"Nothing," she said quickly, green eyes shining with laughter. "Just a bit buzzed, I suppose."  
  
"Sirius was kidnapped by Marlene. They're doing shots in the kitchen, I believe. Maybe you should go save him," James noted, nodding towards the kitchen.  
  
Remus nodded. "Does he seem... is he..."  
  
"He's in good spirits, Rem. And you know Sirius. He wanted to drink. And if Sirius wants to do something, he's going to do it, one way or another. Better to just let him do it and keep the circumstance under control, right?" James noted, shrugging his shoulders.  
  
Remus nodded in agreement. "You're right."  
  
"I'm sure he'll be excited to see you," James added, a small smile on his face.  
  
Remus turned his attention to Lily, who was grinning widely. "Lily Evans, you are a shite friend, he laughed, shaking his head. "Of course you told him, didn't you, you slag?" he asked, feigning anger.  
  
"Sorry, Lily said apologetically, still grinning.  
  
"You guys are the worst," Remus muttered, rolling his eyes.  
  
James and Lily exchanged looks, grinning madly. "Go find Sirius," James urged, nodding towards the kitchen.  
  
Remus nodded, taking a swig of his beer. "Alright," he agreed, smiling as well.

* * *

"I heard you broke up with Mark," Marlene noted, tossing back a shot of vodka. The pair had taken a few shots, and Sirius was beginning to feel it's effect, although he'd switched back to beer.  
  
"Yeah," he agreed, taking a small sip from the bottle.  
  
"You know, I've always wondered something," Marlene started, eyeing him curiously.  
  
"Hmm?" Sirius asked dully.  
  
"How come we never dated?"  
  
Sirius shrugged. "I dunno Marls... we've been friends since we were kids, it would have been weird."  
  
"But it wasn't weird for us to hook up?" she prompted, taking another shot.  
  
"Sex is sex," he replied, shrugging.  
  
Marlene shrugged, reaching for the bottle of vodka. "You know I've always been attracted to you," she slurred, sloppily pouring herself another shot and spilling onto her shirt in the process.  
  
"Christ, Marley give me that," Sirius interrupted, pulling the bottle out of her hands. He placed it on the counter, away from her.  
  
"I want you," she whispered, lazily tossing her arms around his neck, lurching forward. "Come on, Siri. Please? You let everyoneee have you... fuck me, please," she whispered, her breath hot on Sirius' skin.  
  
Sirius froze, a wave of nausea hitting him. "What did you just say?" he said lowly, shoving her off of him.  
  
"Sirius, I just meant... well, Christ, you go to bed with everyone so why not?" she muttered, incredulous.  
  
"Piss off, Marlene," he snarled, snatching the bottle of vodka with one hand. In one smooth motion, he brought the bottle to his lips, chugging a great swig of it down. He slammed the bottle back onto the counter, wiping his mouth with his arm.  
  
"For the record, I don't shag everyone," he said sourly, shooting her a daggers.  
  
"Sirius I didn't mean-"  
  
"Spare me, Marlene. Save your apologies for someone who gives a damn," he interrupted, storming off from the kitchen.

* * *

As Sirius swung the door open leading back to the living room, he found himself face to face with Remus. "Rem," he said quietly, a small smile forming on his face.  
  
"What's the matter, what's wrong?" Remus asked, concerned.  
  
"Nothing, now that you're here," Sirius replied, pulling Remus into an embrace as the door swung behind them, leaving the incident in the kitchen behind.  
  
"I missed you," he whispered, his lips pressed to Remus' neck.  
  
"Missed you, too. How are you feeling?" Remus asked, lightly pressing his lips to Sirius' neck, reciprocating the gesture.  
  
"Good. Great. Amazing. I'm free. And you're here. Moony. My Moony," Sirius replied, swaying slightly.  
  
"You're drunk," Remus laughed shaking his head.  
  
"A little," Sirius agreed, grinning.  
  
"Were you feeling very punk rock today?" Remus asked teasingly, taking in Sirius' attire. He'd worn a tight pair of black jeans torn at the knees with a ratty D.O.A. T-shirt with the sleeves cut off, completing the ensemble with his scuffed Doc Martin's.  
  
"You love it," Sirius slurred, shooting Remus an attempt at a seductive look.  
  
"It's cute. You're cute, pretending to be a punk," Remus noted, smirking.  
  
"I am so punk rock, Moony. Don't deny it."  
  
Remus rolled his eyes. "Let us keep in mind, just because you dress like a punk does not make you punk rock."  
  
"How would you know?" Sirius protested in mock seriousness.  
  
"I am more punk rock than you will ever be, Sirius Black," Remus replied, deadpanned.  
  
"Prove it."  
  
"I don't need to prove it," Remus replied smugly.  
  
"Says the lad in the cardigan," Sirius snorted.  
  
"Piss off," Remus laughed, shaking his head. "You love my cardigans."  
  
"Maybe," Sirius replied sheepishly. "They're cute. You're cute," he noted, repeating Remus' earlier sentiment.  
  
"It's nice to see you smiling again," Remus said softly, lightly grazing Sirius' jaw with his fingers as he brushed a strand of hair from out of Sirius face.  
  
"You know, suddenly I don't feel to keen on all this socialization," Sirius noted, shooting Remus a pointed look.  
  
"Want to get out of here?" Remus asked.  
  
"Absofuckinglutely."


	10. There Are A Million Things to Think About When You Give Up Getting HIgh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Apologies in advance for using what some might consider to be a tired narrative device, text messages. Still, for reference in this chapter:
> 
> normal is James  
>  _italics is Remus_  
>  ** _bold and italics is Lily_**  
>  Underlined is Regulus

Sirius sighed contently, resting his head on Remus’ shoulder. The pair had caught a cab from Marlene’s back to Remus’ flat, and had barely parted lips since they’d arrived, quickly settling into Remus’ bed. Sirius, his head spinning from the liquor and the thrill of kissing Remus, _his_ Remus, had hastily ripped his shirt off, kicking off his combat boots the moment they’d entered the flat. “I’m glad we came back here,” Sirius mumbled, leaning up to brush his lips against Remus’.  
  
“Yeah?” Remus asked cheerfully, offering Sirius a warm smile.  
  
“Mhmm,” Sirius replied, tugging at Remus’ shirt. “Aren’t you hot?” he asked suggestively, smirking.  
  
“Maybe,” Remus agreed, unbuttoning his shirt. He tossed it aside, laughing as Sirius shot him a salacious grin.  
  
“Much better,” he told him, pulling him in for a kiss.  
  
“So,” Remus started, drumming his fingers slowly along Sirius’ collarbone.  
  
“So?” Sirius repeated, gray eyes watching him curiously.  
  
“So I’ve been wondering...” he trailed off, golden brown hair falling into his eyes as he tilted his head down, thinking.  
  
“What’ve you been wondering, Moony?” Sirius asked, cupping Remus’ chin in his hand, tilting his head up to face him.  
  
“Well... you know that I like you and I was just wondering where your head’s at about us...” Remus mumbled, loosely wrapping his fingers around Sirius’.  
  
Sirius smiled weakly, pecking Remus on the lips. “You know I like you too, Moony,” he started, his eyes darting down to the floor. “But..”  
  
“But?” Remus asked, panic rippling through his veins.  
  
Sirius paused, looking uncomfortable. “It has been suggested to me by my shrink that I have a tendency to... rush into relationships. Which feeds into my impulsiveness. And since I’ve agreed to work on... you know... managing my BPD some... And because I really, _really_ like you, I was thinking we should... you know...” he glanced up at Remus, a fearful look in his eyes. “If you don’t mind, of course... I mean, I’d understand if you don’t-”  
  
“I have no problem at all taking things slow, Sirius,” Remus interrupted, bemused by Sirius’ rare display of insecurity.  
  
“Oh good, good!” Sirius replied, his face lighting up with relief.  
  
“You didn’t really think I’d say no, did you?” Remus asked, smirking.  
  
“I don’t _know_ , Remus! Don’t make fun of me! This is... it’s new for me,” Sirius replied, shrugging.  
  
“I know, I know,” Remus laughed, wrapping his arms around Sirius’ waist. “It’s cute. You’re cute.”  
  
“You’re cute,” Sirius repeated, pressing his lips to Remus’.  
  
“Want you, Rem,” Sirius whispered, mouthing the words against Remus’ lips.  
  
Remus smiled, pressing his lips harder to Sirius’, deepening the kiss.  
  
“Mmmm,” Sirius moaned, fingers wandering down Remus’ chest, settling at the waistband of his jeans, where he struggled with the button.  
  
Remus shifted, a tad uncomfortable with the sudden turn of events. “Siri,” he said calmly, reaching for Sirius’ hand and pulling it out of reach of the fly of his jeans. “I’m exhausted,” he yawned, throwing his arms around Sirius’ neck and pulling him into an embrace.  
  
“It’s been a long day, Padfoot. I worked all evening and you’ve been drinking, so you must be tired, too. Let’s just snuggle some, alright?” he mumbled, gently stroking the nape of Sirius’ neck.  
  
He carefully removed his hold on Sirius, curling up onto his left side, glancing up at Sirius, shooting him hopeful looks. “Please?” he said softly, giving him an apologetic look. “I’m sorry, I’m just tired,” he lied, again yawning, for effect.  
  
“Mmm okay,” Sirius mumbled, following Remus’ lead and curling up on his side, right arm securely wrapped around Remus’ waist.  
  
“This is nice,” he whispered into Remus’ ear, nuzzling Remus’ shoulder.  
  
“Mhmm,” Remus agreed, sighing contently.  
  
Sirius yawned, pulling Remus closer still. “Night Moony,” he whispered, the faint scent of liquor on his breath.  
  
Remus listened as Sirius’ breath evening, signaling that he was asleep.  
  
“Night, Padfoot,” Remus whispered, his eyes fluttering shut as he fell into unconsciousness as well.

* * *

“So, did you fuck him, yet?” Lily asked, glancing up at Remus from her biochemistry textbook.  
  
She had come round Remus’ flat under the guise of studying, but thus far had only managed to drink three cups of tea and suggest that Remus allow her to cut his hair and put blond highlights in it ‘because honestly, your hair is a total bore, Remus’.  
  
Remus blanched, nearly choking on the sip of tea he had just taken. “I beg your pardon?” he asked, a horrified expression on his face.  
  
“What?” Lily asked, shrugging. “The two of you looked pretty cozy when you ditched us at Marlene’s party so I assumed you’d done it by now.”  
  
Remus rolled his eyes. “Sirius wants to take it slow... We’re just, you know... hanging out. Nothing official, yet. He doesn’t want to rush into a relationship, given his... Impulse control issues.”  
  
“Makes sense, I suppose,” Lily noted, head cocked to the side, considering. “But still, that doesn’t explain why you haven’t shagged yet.”  
  
Remus rolled his eyes, taking a sip of his tea. “And why do you say that, Lils?”  
  
“Well...” she started, bringing her cup to her lips, “Sirius is a sex fiend. I can’t see him going very long without it.”  
  
Remus stared down into his tea, muttering something under his breath.  
  
“What was that, Rem?”  
  
“I may have been... a little hesitant to go all the way with him, which is why we haven’t yet,” he said lowly, eyes fixated on his tea cup.  
  
“Why?” Lily asked, genuinely curious.  
  
Remus shrugged. “I don’t...” he started, lips twitching as he struggled to find the words he wanted. “I know Sirius likes to go bareback and I don’t... I’m not comfortable with that... With not using protection. But I don’t want him to think I’m a prude, so I’ve been avoiding it altogether until I figure out how to broach the subject with him,” he concluded, sighing heavily.  
  
“Just tell him you want to use condoms, Rem. I doubt he’d care... I mean, he’s your best mate. He’ll understand.”  
  
“I guess,” Remus mumbled, taking another sip of tea. “Why does it have to be so awkward?”  
  
“It’s only awkward if you make it awkward, Rem. You’ve shagged other blokes before, haven’t you? Did you have any problem asking them to use protection?” Lily asked casually, eyeing him intently.  
  
Remus shrugged. “Obviously. But it wasn’t weird with _them_. The guys I’ve been with are all lit majors who are monogamous... it’s implied that a condom is _required_.”  
  
“So why is it weird with Sirius?”  
  
Remus sighed. “Because it’s _Sirius_. You know how he is, Lily. It’s a bloody miracle he hasn’t contracted anything worse than he’s had, given all the unprotected sex he has. He’s so... Nonchalant about it. And it makes me nervous that he might _expect_ that I be okay with not using a condom and it’s just too much, Lily... is it too early for us to start drinking?” he asked, biting his lower lip.  
  
“I think he’d be receptive to wanting to use protection, Rem. He seems to be _trying_ to turn over a new leaf, and lord knows he needs improvement in the _risky sexual activity_ department. Just talk to him about it.”  
  
Remus nodded, rapping his fingers on the kitchen table.  
  
“You could always just buy some condoms and keep them on you... that way if things start heading in that direction, you have them on hand. No awkward conversation necessary,” Lily suggested, smiling brightly.  
  
“That doesn’t seem too bad an idea,” Remus noted, nodding in agreement. “I could do that.”  
  
“Have you asked him to get an AIDS test done?”  
  
“Lily!” Remus yelled, incredulous. “I can’t just... he’d be offended if I were to-”  
  
“You really should have it done, Rem. Both of you,” Lily interrupted, shooting him a knowing look  
  
. “Oh, because we’re queer?”  
  
“No, because you’re beginning a relationship together and Sirius’ sexual history is suspect, at best. James and I both got full STI screenings when we started dating. Just to be safe,” Lily retorted, shrugging.  
  
“Christ,” Remus muttered, burying his head in his hands. “You’re too much.”  
  
“I’m just saying, better safe than sorry,” Lily called out in a sing-song voice.  
  
“You’re embarrassing, Lily.”  
  
“What’s embarrassing is that I let you _pine_ over Sirius for _years_ when I should have done something about it myself. You two would probably be sharing a flat by now if I had!”  
  
Remus groaned, rolling his eyes. “You’re a little too invested in my love life, Lils. I hope you aren’t expecting a play by play of the event once we finally _do_ shag,” he muttered sarcastically.  
  
“Oh no,” Lily replied, grinning wickedly. “I’m planning to get _that_ on tape.”  
  
“I hate you,” Remus groaned.  
  
“So are you okay with taking things slow?” Lily asked, changing the subject to a more neutral subject.  
  
“Yeah,” Remus replied, shrugging. “Obviously I’d prefer more, but given everything that’s happened... I do think he should focus on himself for the time being. We’ll get there... if that’s what he wants, too.”  
  
“Oi, stop with the self-deprecation, Rem! It’s obvious he’s got it pretty bad for you.”  
  
Remus rolled his eyes. “Whatever, Lily.”  
  
“Obviously he likes you enough that he respected the fact that you weren’t ready to fuck him immediately,” Lily scoffed.  
  
“Oh, so he _must_ really like me since he didn’t rape me, is that what you’re saying?” Remus asked dryly.  
  
Lily rolled her eyes. “Sirius is notorious for getting what he wants. If he didn’t give a shit about you, he’d have just manipulated you and wore you down until you went along with what he wanted. It’s just how he is. He’d only respect boundaries if he _really_ likes someone.”  
  
“I suppose you’re right about that... Sirius has never taken _no_ very well,” Remus noted, frowning.  
  
“Have you discussed whether you’re going to be exclusive or?” Lily asked.  
  
Remus shrugged. “Lily, I’m not ever exactly sure what we are. I don’t know if we’re _hanging out_ in the sense that we’re two mates who make out and will eventually have casual sex, or if we’re _hanging out_ , as in the prelude to dating. And even then, I don’t know if we’ll be exclusive or just casually dating or _what_... And oh Christ, my head is spinning now, just thinking about it.”  
  
“You should probably talk to him about where you stand with all of that,” Lily stated, her tone surprisingly serious.  
  
“Can’t I just wait it out and see where this goes?” Remus whined, resting his head on the table.  
  
“I just think you should know whether you’re the only one he’s going to be intimate with if you’re going to _let_ him,” Lily noted sternly.  
  
Remus swallowed, hard. “You’re right,” he said somberly, gritting his teeth. The thought of Sirius with someone else made his stomach churn.  
  
“Do you think he’d... Or that he already _is_...” he trailed off, unable to bring himself to say the words caught on his lips.  
  
“I dunno, Rem. But I think you need to ask him.”  
  
“Alright. Alright. I will.”

* * *

“How has your week been, Sirius?”  
  
Sirius shrugged. “Fine,” he muttered, digging his nails into his arms. He’d spent the morning helping Lily with her biochemistry homework, which had put him in a foul mood. _I can’t believe everyone will be starting the fall semester in two weeks, and I’ll be stuck sitting at home doing nothing._  
  
“How have things been at home?”  
  
“Alright.”  
  
“Have you spoken to Mark since your falling out with him?” she asked, paging through her notepad.  
  
“No,” Sirius replied, shrugging. “I don’t care, I’m over him.”  
  
“Oh?”  
  
“Mhmm,” Sirius affirmed, smiling slightly.  
  
“Have you met someone new?”  
  
“Not exactly.”  
  
“What do you mean by that?” Dr. Fairgood asked, scribbling something down on her pad.  
  
“Just... I’m trying to take things slow with someone I like. You said that I rush into things and that throwing myself into relationships is part of my impulse control so... I’m trying to ease into it. Maybe this will actually last,” Sirius explained.  
  
“How did you meet this... I understand your last partner was male, but you identified as bisexual-”  
  
“It’s a boy. I’m... I generally prefer men,” Sirius interrupted, gritting his teeth.  
  
“How did you meet him?” Dr. Fairgood pressed, much to Sirius’ chagrin. _Why does it fucking matter? Jesus Christ, I’m sorry I said anything._  
  
“He’s one of my best mates. We roomed together in boarding school and everything,” Sirius replied, struggling to keep his temperament even.  
  
“Have you been intimate with him?”  
  
“I haven’t fucked him yet if that’s what your asking,” Sirius muttered, rolling his eyes. _Though if I had my way, I’d have fucked him three ways to Friday, already._  
  
“Do you think it’s wise to begin pursuing a relationship when you’re beginning treatment?” Dr. Fairgood asked, eyeing him curiously.  
  
“What do you _mean_?” Sirius asked, rolling his eyes. “I’m taking it _slowly_. What, I shouldn’t get laid or have someone to connect with just because I’m in fucking _therapy_? Is that what you’re saying?”  
  
Sirius rolled his eyes, thoughts racing as he blocked out Dr. Fairgood’s words. _I’m sorry I told him we should take it slow. I should have just grabbed him the second we got back to his flat and shagged him stupid. Who was I kidding, thinking this would help anything? Therapy is bullshit..._  
  
“Sirius?”  
  
He glanced up, shooting Dr. Fairgood a quizzical look. “What?”  
  
“I wanted to know if you’ve decided on what goals you would like to achieve from our sessions together.”  
  
“I don’t bloody know,” he whined, rolling his eyes. “I just want to get cleared to go back to university.”  
  
“When we last spoke, you mentioned your interest in reducing your symptoms, correct?” Dr. Fairgood asked calmly, offering him an easy smile.  
  
“Yeah,” Sirius agreed.  
  
“Is there anything else you’d like for us to work on?”  
  
Sirius shrugged. “I don’t know, I guess improvement in functioning? That’s always been sort of an issue... I mean...” he trailed off, staring down at his feet.  
  
“Go on,” Dr. Fairgood said coaxingly, hands folded primly on her desk.  
  
“Half the reason I end up doing so much blow is because I need it to function. Like, if it weren’t for that, I wouldn’t be able to make it through the day. Everything is too exhausting.”  
  
“You’ve had difficultly sleeping throughout the years, correct?”  
  
“Yeah... Insomnia, I guess.”  
  
Dr. Fairgood nodded. “Very good. So we have set goals for what you would like to accomplish. I think that an SSRI paired with a low dose of lithium would be helpful in managing some of your symptoms, Sirius. Have you thought some more about giving medication another try, on a trial basis?”  
  
“No, Sirius sneered. “Not doing it.”  
  
“What is holding you back from trying a regimen of medications?”  
  
“Too many side effects. I can’t fucking drink on an anti-depressant. I don’t like how I feel on mood stabilizers. Pick a reason. Any of those apply,” Sirius muttered, arms folded against his chest.  
  
“What side effects are you concerned about?” Dr. Fairgood asked calmly, nonplussed by Sirius’ obvious irritation.  
  
Sirius’ jaw clenched, anger radiating through his core. “I just... Do you listen to anything I say to you?” he screamed, shooting her an incredulous look. “I’ve fucking _told_ you... I react badly to anti-depressants. They increase my suicidal thoughts. Especially because I drink. I don’t want to be put on lithium or any other anti-psychotic... They all cause weight gain. Not doing it... Nope. Did you even check my file? I have a co-occurring disorder, you stupid twat! Do you think someone with an eating disorder who still uses purging to cope with shit should be put on something that causes weight gain? Do you?”  
  
“Sirius, I am suggesting a very low dosage of lithium, which would hardly cause side effects. And there are a host of SSRIs that we could try that could greatly subside some of your symptoms. The addition of lithium would be helpful in managing your impulse control, which you have admitted is one of your biggest issues-”  
  
“This is bullshit,” Sirius snapped, rising to his feet. “I’m done.”  
  
“Sirius, please sit down-”  
  
“This session is over. Thanks for _nothing_ ,” Sirius shouted, turning on his heel and barging out of her office, slamming the door shut behind him.

* * *

Cigarette dangling from his mouth, Sirius punched his dashboard, still wound up from his disastrous therapy appointment. He’d driven around town for nearly an hour, but had yet to calm down. “Fucking stupid bitch... Should have known she’d try to push meds on me as soon as I agreed to continue treatment,” he muttered, gingerly rubbing his fist. _Hit that a lot harder than I meant to_. As soon as he’d walked out of her office, he’d sped out of the parking lot, instinctively driving towards his dealer’s flat in Camden. However, out of guilt or _something_ , he’d thought twice about scoring and had headed back towards home. _Should have just gone and scored an eight-ball. Fuck, I need a drink_. He’d parked his car at a Tesco, where he’d been chain-smoking while trying and failing to calm down. Remus had texted him three times, but he’d been too aggravated to bother reading them. As he tossed his spent cigarette out the window, he felt his phone vibrating in his pocket. He removed the phone, glancing down at the lit up screen. _James_. Sighing, he answered the call, bringing the phone to his ear.  
  
“Why did you refuse to give meds a shot?” James asked angrily, not bothering with a greeting.  
  
“What?” Sirius asked, taken aback by James’ sudden aggression.  
  
“Dad just got off the phone with Fairgood. She said you stormed out of your appointment after she brought up trying out some meds.”  
  
“So glad you’re all checking up on me,” Sirius said sarcastically, rolling his eyes.  
  
“Sirius, you said you’d at least try to-”  
  
“Hanging up now, James,” Sirius interrupted, knuckles turning white as he gripped the steering wheel with his free hand.  
  
“Sirius-”  
  
Sirius clicked end, tossing his phone into the backseat. _Fucking arsehole_. He scanned through the music catalog on his iPod, selecting _Metal Now_ by Say Anything. He cranked the stereo up as he put the car into reverse, speeding out of the parking lot back onto the highway. He lit another cigarette, steering with his right hand as he took deep drags, driving aimlessly. He heard his phone vibrating in the backseat, but paid it no mind. “Probably James,” he muttered, scowling. _Or the others. I’m sure he’s got everyone worked up into a tizzy, over this. Fanfuckingtastic._  
  
Once his anger had quelled some, he exited off the highway, electing to drive up and down the streets near campus. _Can’t believe I’m not coming back for the fall_ , he thought bitterly, lips curled up into a snarl. He gripped the steering wheel tightly, again overcome by a surge of rage. _I need something to take the edge off_. He frowned, catching a glimpse of the track James was forever dragging him to for _friendly runs_. Reluctantly, he found a parking space near the field house, gazing out the windshield for a moment as he finished up a cigarette. As he flicked ash out the window, he caught sight of the university pub, long one of his regular haunts, out of the corner of his eye. He paused for a moment, debating popping over to throw back a few. He sighed, frowning. _You didn’t go out and get high, even though you drove out to Camden. You’re not shitfaced drunk, yet. Despite everything, you’ve managed to cope with this shit in a semi-healthy way. Might as well keep it up_. Tossing the cigarette butt out the car window, he rolled the window up, shutting off the engine. He dragged himself out of the car, popping the trunk and grabbing the spare pair of gym shorts and trainers he’d kept in there for ages, remnants of his more athletic days. Never one for modesty, he tore off his jeans, changing into the shorts and trainers. Car keys safely put away in his pocket, he jogged off toward the track, eager for the release promised from a good long run.

* * *

**Group text (Lily E, Remus L, Regulus B) from James P:**  
  
Sirius stormed out of therapy today. Apparently he freaked out when Fairgood suggested he give meds a shot again. He hung up on me when I asked him what was going on, and now he’s refusing to answer my calls or texts, so it's safe to say he's in a mood. Has anyone been able to get a hold of him?  
  
_I texted him, no response._  
  
I'll give him a ring.  
  
**_Who's the unknown number in this chat?_**  
  
Reg.  
  
Sirius' brother. Thank you for keeping me in the loop, James.  
  
I drove by his usual haunts. He's not there.  
  
_Want me to help look?_  
  
Stay put Moony. He's angry at me, so I doubt he'll come home. He'll go to you eventually.  
  
Moony?  
  
**_Sirius' best friend/object of affection/soul-mate_**  
  
-___- stop it, Lily.  
  
You know your brother fancies blokes, right? Awk.  
  
_James. Focus. We need to find Sirius. NOW._  
  
**_Should we call his therapist? Do you think he’s in danger?_**  
  
No. I don’t think we need to set his safety plan into action, just yet, but  
  
_Well???_  
  
**_?????_**  
  
Get on with it, James.  
  
I know we discussed it before, but I think now is the time to put into action our contingency plan of an intervention to get him to comply with treatment.  
  
_Agreed._  
  
**_Meet at Remus' to discuss?_**  
  
I'm up in Oxford but I can be down to London in an hour.  
  
Brilliant. Rem, text him the address. Lils, put out the word to everyone that if they see him they're to ring us immediately.  
  
**_Done._**  
  
If anyone gets a hold of him, keep us all posted.


	11. Am I More Than You Bargained For Yet?

Remus stared down at his phone, cup of tea in hand, silently willing it to vibrate. _Still no word from him_. He pressed messages, finger hovering over Sirius’ name as he considered sending him yet another message, freezing as he heard a knock on his front door. Shakily, he rose to his feet, silently praying that he would find Sirius standing in his doorway. He’d texted him nearly twenty-five times in the past hour, and had yet to receive a response back. With trembling hands, he turned the knob, opening the door halfway. He froze, staring at the figure before him. _Sirius? No, it’s his brother._ “Regulus,” he said, nodding at the boy.  
  
“Remus,” he replied curtly, right eyebrow arched carefully as he observed him. “May I come in?”  
  
“Of course,” Remus replied hastily, motioning for Regulus to follow him inside.  
  
“Where’s James?” he asked immediately, standing in the living room with his arms folded against his chest.  
  
“He’s on his way. Should be here any minute. Would you like a cup of tea?”  
  
“Sure,” Regulus replied. “Have you heard from him at all?”  
  
“No,” Remus muttered, brows furrowed. “He hasn’t answered any of my texts.”  
  
“He didn’t take my calls, either.”  
  
Frowning, Remus led Regulus to the kitchen, where he hastily set about preparing a fresh pot of tea.  
  
“Is that Sirius’ jumper?” Regulus asked, nodding to a black article of clothing slung over one of the kitchen chairs.  
  
“Yeah,” Remus replied, draining his cold cup of tea into the sink. “Sirius is notorious for just leaving things all over the place. When we were in boarding school, I used to somehow end up with half his socks when we’d go home for summer holidays.”  
  
Regulus nodded but said nothing, lowering himself into one of the chairs set at the kitchen table.  
  
Remus busied himself with preparing the tea, placing a steaming cup before Regulus, joining him at the table.  
  
“Thanks,” he muttered, bringing the cup to his lips.  
  
Remus nodded, taking a sip as well.  
  
“Does... Does my brother stay with you, often?” Regulus asked.  
  
Remus shrugged. “Sometimes. He lives with James, of course... but he’s certainly spent many nights here.”  
  
“So you’re his boyfriend, then?” Regulus asked, a slightly accusing tone to his voice.  
  
“We’re seeing one another, but there isn’t an official title, yet,” Remus replied evenly, observing the younger Black brother.  
  
Regulus nodded, brows knitted together, obviously deep in thought. _It’s amazing how similar their mannerisms are. Even down to the facial expressions._  
  
“So....” Regulus began, eyeing Remus warily.  
  
“Yes?” Remus replied, unnerved by Regulus’ demeanor.  
  
“What are your intentions for my brother, then?”  
  
“What do you mean by that?”  
  
“Do you _want_ to be with my brother, or is this some sort of flavor of the month sort of thing?” Regulus sneered.  
  
“Sirius has been one of my best friends for a very long time. I care about him. I-”  
  
“You understand that my brother isn’t well. He doesn’t need some bloke distracting him from his _needs_ ,” Regulus interrupted, eyeing him sharply.  
  
“Precisely why Sirius and I are taking our relationship slowly, Regulus. So that he can focus on himself and getting himself sorted out,” Remus replied evenly, taking a sip of his tea.  
  
Regulus’ eyebrows raised, but he said nothing.  
  
“I’m on your side, Regulus. All I want is what’s best for Sirius,” Remus said calmly.  
  
“It’s a lot to take on, being with and caring for someone who is mentally ill,” Regulus said warily.  
  
“I know. But I can handle it. I _want_ to handle it.”  
  
The pair nearly jumped as they heard knocking at the door. “That’ll be James, probably,” Remus announced, rising to his feet. “I’ll get the door.”

* * *

“Thank god you’re here,” Remus said lowly, gesturing for James and Lily to join him inside.  
  
“Why, what’s wrong?” James asked, panicked.  
  
“Regulus is here,” he muttered, standing before the door for a moment, arms crossed.  
  
“And?” Lily prompted.  
  
“He’s been grilling me about my relationship with Sirius. It’s a bit much, really.”  
  
“He’s protective of his older brother... I can’t say I blame him, given the circumstances,” James replied, shrugging.  
  
“It’s nothing personal about you, Rem. He’s just worried. Once he gets to know you, he’ll love you and see how good you are for him,” Lily said gently, placing a comforting hand on Remus’ shoulder.  
  
“Where is he, anyway?” James asked.  
  
“Kitchen. We’re having tea,” Remus sighed, gesturing for the pair to follow him.  
  
He took his seat at the table, while James and Lily offered Regulus hellos and poured themselves cups of tea.  
  
“So,” James started, taking a seat at the table, “has anyone heard from him?”  
  
The three others shook their heads no, watching James intently.  
  
“Damn. I was hoping he’d have answered by now. Lils and I drove all around, looking for him. Nothing,” he muttered, staring despondently into his cup of tea.  
  
“So what exactly is the plan, then?” Regulus asked, looking from James to Remus.  
  
“He’ll show up here, eventually,” James noted.  
  
“So you said before. Why do you think so, though?” he pressed.  
  
Lily and Remus exchanged looks. “Because that’s what Sirius does. When he’s upset, he goes to Moony’s. That’s what he’s always done,” James explained, bringing his cup of tea to his lips.  
  
Remus and Lily nodded affirmatively. “He’s shown up at my door at two, three in the morning, before. Fucked up on drugs, staggering drunk, whatever. Without fail, whenever something is bothering him, he somehow ends up here,” Remus elaborated, taking a prim sip of tea.   
  
“Sirius must have a great deal of trust in you if he comes to you when he’s upset,” Regulus noted, offering Remus a softer expression. “It’s good that he knows he has someone to go to.”  
  
Remus nodded. “Of course.”  
  
“So what are we going to do? Just wait here until he shows up?” Regulus asked.  
  
Lily shrugged. “Basically.”  
  
“We need a game plan, though,” James noted.  
  
“So you mean you’re not just going to tie him up in a chair and scream at him until he agrees to go on medication?” Lily asked wryly, rolling her eyes. “This isn’t a football match, James.”  
  
“I know, Lily. I just mean we should all be on the same page about what we’re going to say to him,” James retorted, shooting his girlfriend a filthy look.  
  
“I was kidding, James.”  
  
“Yeah, well. This isn’t a joke. He needs help,” James replied, unsmiling.  
  
“Guys, come on. What do you think we should say to him, James?” Remus interjected, attempting to diffuse the situation.  
  
“Well I’m going to ask him why the hell he thought it was okay to just storm out of therapy,” James muttered, frowning.  
  
“Well, that’s nothing unusual,” Regulus noted.  
  
The three turned to him, silently urging him to continue.  
  
“Sirius gets like that... when he still lived at home, that was common for him. The therapist would say something to upset him and he’d walk out and refuse to go back for a few weeks. Or he’d go and refuse to speak. Just sit in silence for the entire fifty minute session,” he explained, staring down into his tea.  
  
“Do you have any idea why he’s so against being put on medication?” Remus asked softly.  
  
Regulus sighed. “He reacted really badly to Prozac when they put him on at. He was thirteen... He took an entire bottle of codeine he found in our parent’s medicine cabinet. I think that’s enough of a reason to be turned off of medication, don’t you? He’s had a history of reacting badly to anti-depressants.”  
  
“Yeah, but realistically, he was too young to be prescribed them, don’t you think? Studies have shown time and time again that adolescents react badly to antidepressants,” Lily interjected.  
  
“That’s true. I can understand why he’s reluctant, but I still think he should give it another shot. I mean for chrissakes, he’s studying pharmacology... He _knows_ all about drugs and their composition and whatnot. He’s obviously in a lot of pain.. you’d think he’d want to try anything to give himself some relief,” Regulus muttered, biting his lip.  
  
Remus, Lily and James nodded in agreement.   
  
“So what do we say to convince him to give it a try?” Lily asked, frowning.  
  
“He’s not going to want to hear it, regardless what we say, honestly,” Regulus noted. “He’s going to get upset and he’s going to get angry. May as well be blunt and tell him the truth; he’s a bloody fucking trainwreck and he needs to get his shit together before he kills himself.”  
  
“Won’t that push him away?” Lily asked.  
  
Regulus rolled his eyes. “Sirius is a stubborn git. He’ll brush off every word you say if you try and sugarcoat it. You have to hit him with the ugly truth.”  
  
“Still, I think there must be a balance we can find, being honest while still showing compassion,” Remus added.  
  
Regulus shrugged. “I suppose. I don’t know... I... we... in the Black household, the only way anyone ever won an argument or got their point across was by yelling the loudest. So that’s always been my tactic. It certainly always worked on Sirius when my mother used it.”  
  
Remus paled, shooting Lily a look. Lily pressed a finger to her lips, kicking Remus’s shin from under the table, shooting him a _don’t say anything_ look.  
  
Remus opened his mouth to speak but paused as he heard a knock on his door. He turned to James. “You didn’t tell anyone else to meet us here, did you?” he asked.  
  
James shook his head no. Remus nodded, rising to his feet. “Right, then. That’s probably him. You all should probably stay in here, alright? No need to overwhelm him and send him running the second he walks in, don’t you think?”  
  
The three nodded in agreement as Remus excused himself from the kitchen, heart pounding in his chest as he approached the front door. _Please be alright. Please don’t be all fucked up on something. Please have stayed safe._

* * *

Sirius knocked on Remus’ door, stifling a yawn. Though he was feeling better after his run, he was still in no mood to see James and had decided to drive to Moony’s instead. He’d run the track for a few hours and felt completely spent. _I just want to take a long hot shower and crawl into bed_. At last, the door creaked open, Remus observing him from the doorway. “Sirius,” he greeted him warmly, lightly pulling him into an embrace.  
  
“Hey,” Sirius mumbled, sighing contently as he felt Remus’ arms wrap around him. _This is what I wanted, after the day I’ve had._  
  
“You’re all sweaty,” Remus observed, wrinkling his nose as they pulled apart.  
  
“Went for a run,” Sirius smirked, gesturing towards his outfit; after the run, he’d been drenched in sweat, and had decided against attempting to pull on his skintight jeans again.   
  
“Did you have a good run, then?” Remus asked.  
  
Sirius nodded. “Yeah... I was having...” he paused, frowning. “Actually, can we talk about it later? I want to take a shower.”  
  
“Of course,” Remus replied agreeably. “Go ahead and take a shower, then,” he told him, kissing Sirius lightly on the lips.  
  
“Thanks,” Sirius replied, lightly brushing a strand of hair from out of Remus’ eyes. “I guess I’ll go and clean up now, if that’s alright.”  
  
“You know your way to the shower, Sirius Black. I believe you and my shower are well-acquainted, are you not?” Remus retorted, snickering.  
  
Sirius laughed, smiling sheepishly. “Indeed we are... I’ve spent many a night in your bathtub, at least.”  
  
“Go on, go take a shower,” Remus laughed, smacking Sirius lightly on the arm. “You’re all sticky and gross... there’s fresh towels in the linen closet.”  
  
“Ta Moony,” Sirius called out, making his way towards the bathroom.

* * *

“That was him, then?” James asked, eyeing Remus curiously as he returned to the kitchen.  
  
“Yeah,” Remus replied, pouring himself a fresh cup of tea.  
  
“So where is he, now?” James asked expectantly.  
  
“Taking a shower,” Remus retorted, shrugging his shoulders.  
  
“Does he know we’re here?” Regulus asked.  
  
Remus returned to his seat at the table, making a great show of taking a sip of his tea. “No,” he replied finally, staring down at the table.  
  
“Why is he taking a shower, anyway?” Lily asked, a single eyebrow arched in surprise.  
  
“He went for a run, he said. He was all sweaty and gross, so I figured he might be more receptive to what we have to say if he _isn’t_ all miserable and in need of a shower,” Remus replied, taking another sip of his tea.  
  
“You’re probably right... if you’d just led him in here, he probably would have bolted,” Regulus observed.  
  
James and Lily exchanged knowing looks. “You have _no_ idea how accurate that statement is.”  
  
“I wasn’t even aware that Sirius _went_ for runs,” Regulus said, taking a sip of tea.  
  
Lily and Remus glanced at one another from across the table, smirking.  
  
“What?” Regulus asked, confused.  
  
“Nothing, it’s stupid... it’s all James’ doing, really. He’s been dragging Sirius out for _ages_ to go for runs with him...” Remus started, unable to suppress a chuckle.  
  
“Sirius hates it, I think. Because while you know Sirius is quite fit, he’s never been the eat-breathe-sleep athletic type Jamie here, is,” Lily added.  
  
“Exercise releases endorphins, Lily,” James noted, rolling his eyes. “And since we’re no longer in boarding school and Sirius quit playing football, _someone_ has to ensure he stays active. Exercise is important to mental health.”  
  
Lily and Remus burst into laughter. “We know, we know,” they both gasped, continuing to laugh as James shot them furious looks.   
  
“Christ, we know you had his best interests at heart. Just... I mean, look, I guess he took it to heart, he went out for a run on his own accord, James. Kudos to you!” Lily added, kissing James lightly on the lips.   
  
“You’re both wankers,” James said lightly, shaking his head in amusement. “Fuck you both.”

* * *

Sirius took a deep breath, sighing contently as the warm steam from the shower soothed the dull aching in his chest. He'd already washed his hair and had been standing under the shower head for some time, enjoying the feeling of hot water against his skin. Already, he was beginning to feel a bit achy. _I'm going to hurt pretty badly, tomorrow_. Reaching for the bar of soap, he lathered up, washing himself quickly. Although he was reluctant to leave the warmth of the shower, his legs were throbbing, threatening to give out at any moment. He emerged from the shower, wrapping himself in a towel. He padded from the bathroom to Remus' bedroom, where he found a spare pair of pajama pants to change into. He stood in front of the mirror, towel drying his hair, humming under his breath. Once satisfied that he'd absorbed all the excess water from his hair, he tied it up on top of his head into a sort of bun. Without hesitation, he grabbed Remus’ deodorant from off the dresser, applying it liberally. After sharing a dorm room with two other boys for years, sharing deodorant or bars of soap didn't faze him. He pulled on a plain gray tee shirt he'd left there, examining his appearance in the mirror for a moment. Satisfied , he left the bedroom, in search of Remus. "Hey Rem," he started, swinging open the kitchen door, “what do you think about ordering takeaway-" he paused, staring at the figures huddled around the kitchen table. “What the fuck is going on?” he asked accusingly, his glare aimed at no one in particular.  
  
“You want to take a seat, mate?” James asked lightly, nodding towards a free chair at the table.  
  
“Why?” Sirius asked, arms folded against his chest. “And why are you here?” he asked, turning his attention to Regulus. “Shouldn’t you be up at school?”  
  
“You didn’t answer my calls, brother. All six of them. Was a bit worried,” Regulus replied easily, his facial expression matching Sirius’ own.  
  
Sirius rolled his eyes. “I was out for a run. Wasn’t aware everyone needed to be able to keep tabs on me at all times,” he muttered sarcastically.  
  
“Sirius, come on. Sit down with us,” James continued.  
  
“No, I think I’ll stand, thanks,” he scoffed, lips curling into a frown. “So what do you want? Come on, let’s get on with it.”  
  
Lily cleared her throat. “So you walked out of therapy today... what happened?”  
  
“I don’t understand why that’s any of _your_ business. She’s a twat. What more do I need to say?”  
  
“Sirius, please. Let’s not drag this out any more than we need to,” Regulus said, drumming his fingers against the table.  
  
“By all means,” Sirius sneered.  
  
“Why are you being such a wanker and refusing to go on meds?” Regulus asked calmly.  
  
“Because I don’t _want_ to, Regulus. I don’t _need_ meds,” Sirius huffed.  
  
“Bullocks. We’ve already had this conversation, Sirius. You’re a fucking mess and you need to get your shit together. Get your head straight. Take the fucking meds and get yourself sorted out. Christ.”  
  
“I suppose that’s what you all think, as well?” Sirius asked accusingly, looking to James, Lily, and Remus in turn.  
  
“It doesn’t hurt to give it a shot, Sirius,” Lily said softly.  
  
“We want you to feel better, mate. Just give the meds a try. Please. We’re worried about you,” James added, shooting him a pleading look.  
  
Remus sighed heavily. “I know it’s hard, but I think you should at least think about it...” he noted, wringing his hands nervously in his lap.  
  
“I already made up my mind, I’m _not_ taking medication,” Sirius protested, his voice increasingly louder.  
  
“Sirius, please! Just fucking try it! You have to do something! You keep hurting yourself and you’re scaring us to death. You’re scaring _me_ to death! You need to at least try it! You need something to help you-”  
  
“Oh fuck this,” Sirius shouted, turning on his heel.  
  
“Sirius wait-”  
  
Sirius swung the kitchen door open, slamming it shut behind him.   
  
Angrily, Sirius swung his fist at the wall beside the door, slamming his fist through it. He winced as he felt bone hit the plaster, leaving a hole in the wall. He stood there for several minutes, breathing heavily, staring down at his right hand, whose knuckles had begun to swell.  
  
“Sirius,” Remus said gently, placing a hand on Sirius’ shoulder.  
  
“What?” Sirius asked, sighing heavily.  
  
“Are you okay?”  
  
Sirius frowned, biting his lower lip. “No.”  
  
“Come on. Let’s sit down,” Remus started, nodding towards the couch. “The others can stay in there. Alright?”  
  
Sirius nodded, letting Remus guide him to the couch. “Is your hand okay?” Remus asked, eyeing his right hand nervously.  
  
“Sirius shrugged. “I dunno. It’s fine. I don’t think I broke anything,” he muttered.   
  
“Good. So. You went for a run this afternoon,” Remus started, offering Sirius a small smile.  
  
“Yeah,” Sirius said. “ I was.. upset. I don’t want to go on meds, Remus. I don’t want to feel like I”m not myself, you know? I just... I’m trying, you know? Like when I left Fairgood’s office, all I wanted to do was get high. I drove out to my dealer’s, even... But I turned around and drove back home. I didn’t use. I didn’t go to the bar and get pissed... I’m trying, Moony. I went for a run because I kept thinking ‘I made it this far without trying to cope with this in an unhealthy way, might as well keep going with that’ and yet I get hit with some bullshit intervention about how _I_ need help and it’s just...” he trailed off, staring down at his feet.  
  
“I’m sorry we sprung this on you, Padfoot. We were all just worried because you weren’t answering your phone and James had heard you walked out of therapy... I’m sorry we upset you. But I’m so proud of you, you know. For not going out and using. Or getting drunk. I know that this is a big step for you, and it’s wonderful. You’re trying so hard to take better care of yourself and it makes me so happy, Sirius,” Remus started, placing a gentle hand over Sirius’.   
  
“I know you’re angry at us, but will you come back and talk to us? Just tell them what you told me. We just want to know what we can do to support you with all of this. And while we may think that you should give medication a try, ultimately, it’s your treatment and it’s your decision. I just hope you’ll be open-minded enough to give your therapist your attention so that maybe she can go over all of your options. I think if you did some research and expressed your specific concerns with her, you could come to an agreement in finding an option that best suits your needs.”  
  
Sirius nodded, eyes still glued to the floor. “Maybe,” he muttered.  
  
“Will you go back in there with me?” Remus asked, squeezing Sirius’ hand.  
  
“Aright,” Sirius sighed. “I’m sorry about your wall... I’ll pay for that, alright?” he muttered, shooting Remus an apologetic look.  
  
“Don’t worry about it, Sirius. It’s just plaster... Nothing a bit of spackle can’t fix,” Remus assured him.   
  
“Shall we go back in?” he asked.  
  
Sirius nodded, rising to his feet. “Alright...”

* * *

Sirius sat between Remus and Lily, quietly listening as James rattled off his concerns. He opened his mouth to protest, but remained silent, as Remus squeezed his hand tightly.  
  
“I’m sorry that I worried you, James,” he said finally, staring down into his cup of tea.  
  
“I’m sorry we upset you, springing this on you like this,” James replied, lips pressed firmly together.  
  
“It’s alright... I shouldn’t have just hung up on you then gone off the grid like I did,” Sirius replied, sighing heavily.  
  
“I’m glad you didn’t... you know,” Lily noted, offering Sirius an encouraging smile.  
  
Upon returning to the kitchen, Sirius had repeated what he’d told Remus in the living room, explaining that he’d gone for a run in place of going to score coke or drink until he passed out to dispel his pent up aggression. Remus had held his hand under the table the entire time, offering him an encouraging smile as he struggled to verbalize his thoughts.  
  
“It’s good to see that you’re really trying to use healthier coping mechanisms to deal with things, Sirius,” Regulus added, offering his brother a warm grin.   
  
“I suppose it is your choice, but I still think that you should at least hear what Dr. Fairgood has to say about medication options,” he continued, turning to James for confirmation.  
  
James nodded in agreement. “At least hear her out, mate.”  
  
Sirius sighed heavily, squeezing his eyes shut. “I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to at least discuss some options,” he replied, squeezing Remus’ hand tightly. “I have my reservations about it but... Remus is right. Maybe there’s something out there that might help me some. I can at least try,” he continued, turning his head to face Remus. “I want to try to get better,” he said lowly, moisture pooling in his eyes. “She did say.. that she thought medication might alleviate some of my symptoms... it’d... it’d be nice to have some sort of relief... I’m so tired of feeling like this.. Of having to deal with all of this.”  
  
“You deserve some relief, brother,” Regulus told him, smiling slightly.  
  
“All we want is for you to feel better, Sirius. Anything we can do to help you, just say the word. We want to be here for you,” James noted, Lily nodding enthusiastically in agreement.  
  
Sirius nodded, ducking his head down as his lips trembled, tears slowly beginning to trickle down his cheeks.  
  
Remus pulled Sirius into an embrace, whispering soothing words into his ear as Sirius lightly sobbed against his shoulder.  
  
He glanced over at Regulus, who was watching the pair with an approving look on his face. _Glad to see I’ve won his approval._


	12. Lithium

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: For reference in this chapter:
> 
> normal is James  
>  _italics is Remus_  
>  ** _bold and italics is Lily_**  
>  Underlined is Regulus

“Good afternoon, Sirius.”  
  
Sirius nodded, taking his usual seat in Dr. Fairgood’s office.   
  
“How was your week?”  
  
Sirius shrugged. “Alright, I guess,” he mumbled, staring down at his feet. _Should I tell her I want to discuss meds? Do I even still want to?_  
  
“Something on your mind, Sirius?” Dr. Fairgood asked, interrupting his thoughts.  
  
Sirius glanced up, biting his lip. “Umm,” he started, clearing his throat, “I’ve been thinking... _Perhaps_ it wouldn’t be so bad to discuss possible options I have for medication.”  
  
He paused for a moment before adding, “so long as I get a say in what I’m prescribed.”  
  
“That seems fair,” Dr. Fairgood noted, offering him a warm smile. “Would you be open to hearing my recommendation and going from there?”  
  
“I suppose so,” Sirius agreed, shrugging.  
  
“I feel that what would be most beneficial to you would be an SSRI paired with a mood stabilizer.”  
  
Sirius frowned. “I don’t know how I feel about the mood stabilizer.”  
  
“We can discuss that. For now, let’s focus on options for an SSRI, okay?”  
  
Sirius nodded. “Alright. I don’t want to go on Paxil again. Or Wellbutrin.”  
  
Dr. Fairgood nodded, removing a heavy looking book from her desk. “Physician’s Desk Reference. Alright, let’s take a look at what options we have.”  
  
Sirius watched, picking at his cuticles as Dr. Fairgood efficiently thumbed through the pages. “You mentioned during our last session that you are reluctant to take any medications that may cause weight gain because of your eating disorder, correct?”  
  
Sirius paused, taken aback by her recollection of his statement. “I um...” he stammered, glancing down at the ground.  
  
“Would you say that this is still an issue that you are struggling with?” Dr. Fairgood prompted.  
  
Sirius nodded, eyes averted to the floor. “Yeah,” he said lowly.  
  
“Given your concerns with the possibility of weight gain as a side effect, I think that your best choice would be Prozac. It’s one of the few SSRIs that’s proven effective in managing Bulimia Nervosa, and is not known for causing significant weight gain,” Dr. Fairgood continued, eyes still scanning the book before her.   
  
Sirius shrugged, staring down at his feet. “Okay,” he muttered.  
  
“Would you be comfortable starting a trial of Prozac?” she queried.  
  
“Sure,” Sirius agreed. “I guess it sounds better than the other options.”  
  
“As for a mood stabilizer... I would like to try you on a low dose of lithium, before we try any of the newer anti-psychotics or mood stabilizers, alright?”  
  
“Will it cause-”  
  
“I am going to prescribe you a low dose, Sirius. Remember, this is on a trial basis. We’ll have you on it for six to eight weeks, then determine if we need to tweak your dosages or medications, okay?” Dr. Fairgood interrupted, scribbling something down on her pad.  
  
Sirius sighed heavily, staring down at his feet. “Fine, okay. Whatever,” he muttered, resigned.  
  
“I’m going to prescribe you two month’s worth, okay?” Dr. Fairgood asked, pulling out her prescription pad.  
  
“Fine,” Sirius mumbled. “Are we done, yet?”  
  
“Here you are. Next week, we’ll discuss how you’re adjusting to the meds and begin discussing supplemental treatment options, okay?”  
  
“Fine,” Sirius muttered, grabbing the two prescriptions and shoving them into his pocket. “See you next week.”

* * *

Sirius sipped his coffee, staring miserably at the table. Two days prior, the fall term had started. _Without you. Everyone is off resuming their studies and here you are, sitting at home. Totally useless_. He frowned, barely registering that Mrs. Potter, dressed in her work scrubs, had entered the kitchen.  
  
“Sirius, what’s wrong?”  
  
“Nothing,” Sirius sighed, staring down into his mug of coffee.  
  
“It’s 4am,” Mrs. Potter said lightly, tying her dark brown hair back into a ponytail.  
  
Sirius shrugged. “Can’t sleep,” he muttered.  
  
Mrs. Potter nodded, pouring herself a mug of coffee. “You’ve always had trouble sleeping,” she observed, taking a seat opposite Sirius at the kitchen table.  
  
Again, Sirius shrugged. “Insomnia,” he muttered, bringing his mug to his lips and taking a sip.  
  
“You’re upset that you’re not enrolled in uni for the term,” Mrs. Potter stated, taking a sip of her coffee.  
  
Sirius stared, a single eyebrow raised. “Wouldn’t you be?” he asked.  
  
“I’d be disappointed, certainly. But there are more things to life than school, Sirius,” Mrs. Potter noted.  
  
Sirius shot her a disbelieving look. “School is all I have,” he said plainly.  
  
“Your studies aren’t the only thing that gives your life meaning, Sirius.”  
  
“Yeah, they are,” Sirius muttered under his breath.  
  
Mrs. Potter took a sip of coffee before calmly placing the mug down on the table. “What makes you say that?” she asked.  
  
Sirius stared down into his mug, lips pressed firmly together. “Don’t you have to leave for work?” he muttered.  
  
“Not yet. And even if I did, it could wait. I always have time for you, Sirius.”  
  
Sirius sighed. “Mrs. Potter... I don’t want to talk about this.”  
  
“Alright, we don’t have to, love. But I think you’d feel a lot better if you did.”  
  
Sirius nodded but said nothing, staring down into his coffee.  
  
“Do you want me to get your prescriptions filled for you?” Mrs. Potter asked, changing the subject.  
  
“Already did,” Sirius mumbled, nodding toward the white paper bag resting on the kitchen counter.  
  
“Do you mind?” she asked, rising to her feet.  
  
“No,” Sirius muttered, shrugging. “By all means, have at it.”  
  
Quickly, Mrs. Potter retrieved the bag, setting it down on the kitchen table. Sirius watched as she removed the first prescription bottle from the bag, eyeing the label curiously.  
  
“Prozac, 60mg. Once daily,” she recited, peering at the bottle.  
  
“High dosage, don’t you think?” Sirius asked, glancing up at Mrs. Potter.  
  
“I presume she felt the dosage would be appropriate given your-”  
  
“Yeah, that was her reasoning,” Sirius quickly interrupted, desperate to avoid a discussion about his eating disorder. _As if she isn’t already on my case about eating. Don’t need to have a full-blown discussion about that rubbish._  
  
Mrs. Potter nodded, retrieving the next bottle from the bag. “Lithium... a low dose, I see,” she noted.  
  
“Which I’ve reluctantly agreed to take,” Sirius added. “It’s still twice a day... I’m not pleased.”  
  
“Have you started taking them yet?” Mrs. Potter asked gently.  
  
Sirius shook his head no.  
  
“It’s morning, so you may as well take your first dose,” she said softly, placing the two bottles before him.   
  
Sirius stared for a moment, frowning. “Alright,” he said reluctantly.  
  
Carefully, he dispensed one of each pill into the palm of his hand. Under Mrs. Potter’s watchful eye, he swallowed the two, chasing them down with a sip of coffee. “There.”

* * *

“Sirius.”  
  
Sirius mumbled something incomprehensible from the tangled mess of blankets he was bundled under.  
  
“Are you going to get out of bed, today?” James asked.   
  
“No,” Sirius muttered, turning his head to face James.  
  
He observed Jame’s concerned expression for a moment, sighing heavily. “James,” he started, fighting back the urge to yawn. He was so tired, so _so_ tired. The very thought of doing anything besides lying in bed was far too _exhausting_ for him to even consider.   
  
“James,” he continued, biting on his cracked lower lip, drawing blood, “I just _can’t_ , okay?” _Sorry_ , he added silently.  
  
James nodded before quickly hurrying out the room, shutting the door behind him.  
  
“He’s getting worse, it seems like,” James noted, staring miserably down into his coffee.   
  
After sitting through a three hour ethics of law lecture, James had texted Lily, begging her to meet him to discuss Sirius between classes. She’d met him at the nearby coffee shop, armed with two coffees and a warm smile.   
  
“He just started taking lithium, James,” Lily said lowly, holding her cup of coffee in her hands. “This is normal. His body is getting used to it and it is a mood stabilizer, which can have similar effects to tranquilizers. Of course he’s feeling drained and just wants to stay in bed.”  
  
“And you’re sure about this?” James asked nervously. “You don’t think this sudden change in behavior is related to the start of the fall term?”  
  
Lily’s smile wavered. “Well,” she sighed, “I suppose that isn’t making this any easier for him.”  
  
“Do you think I should make him at least leave his room? I don’t think he’s changed his clothes or showered in three or four days.”  
  
“Has he been eating, at least?” Lily asked.  
  
James shook his head. “No. Mum tried getting him to come down and eat with us the other night, but apparently he insisted he wasn’t hungry.”  
  
Lily nodded, glancing down into her cup of coffee, unsure of how to respond.  
  
“Has Rem talked to him?” James asked suddenly.  
  
Lily raised an eyebrow. “Sirius turned his phone off, so no.”  
  
“How does Remus feel about that?”  
  
Lily shrugged. “He’s worried, naturally. But he understands. He doesn’t want to intrude if Sirius needs his space while dealing with this medication adjustment.”  
  
Lily frowned, her brows furrowed in thought. “What’d they put him on, again?”  
  
James grabbed his phone, scrolling through several messages before glancing back up at Lily. “Prozac, 60mg daily. Lithium carbonate, 150mg, twice daily. Xanax, 2mg, as needed,” he recited.  
  
“That’s a high dose for an SSRI,” Lily observed, a single eyebrow raised. “But a low one for the lithium at least. I’m sure that put Sirius’ mind at ease.”  
  
“Maybe,” James said skeptically, resting his head in his hands.   
  
“It’ll get better, James... He’s just adjusting... He’ll pull through this and be feeling like himself, again,” Lily said gently, resting a soothing hand on James’ arm.   
  
“I hope so, Lils... I hate seeing him this way. It’s just... It’s not him.” He paused, frowning. “Well, not him on his _good_ days,” he amended.  
  
Lily nodded. “I’ve got an orgo lab I need to get to,” she noted, glancing at her watch. “I can stop by afterwards, check on you two?”  
  
“That’d be lovely,” James replied, rising to his feet and pecking a kiss on her lips. “What would I do without you, Lils?”  
  
She smirked, kissing him back. “I don’t quite know. You’re a mess without me, James Potter.”  
  
James laughed. “What time does your lab end?” he asked.  
  
“I should be out of there around four,” she noted, eyebrows furrowed as she thought. “I think.”   
  
James nodded. “Alright. I’ll see you around half-past, then?”  
  
“Mhmm,” Lily agreed, nodding affirmatively. “Send Sirius my love.”

* * *

Sirius sat miserably in the waiting room of Dr. Fairgood’s office, arms folded against his chest. Mrs. Potter sat to his right, having driven him to his appointment. He glanced down at his lap, taking note of the pajama pants he had on. He couldn’t be bothered with getting dressed that morning, and his head was throbbing. “Why couldn’t I just reschedule?” he muttered under his breath. He’s already canceled his appointment the week before, which had prompted Mrs. Potter to clear her afternoon to ensure she was available to accompany Sirius to his appointment.   
  
“You need to keep up with your appointments, Sirius,” Mrs. Potter noted, patting his hand gently.   
  
“I”m ready for you, Sirius,” Dr. Fairgood announced, emerging from her office.  
  
Sirius nodded, following her into the room, where he immediately lowered himself onto the couch.   
  
“How are you feeling, today?”  
  
Sirius stared ahead, shooting the psychiatrist a furious look.  
  
“You’ve been on the medication for two weeks now, correct?”  
  
Sirius nodded sullenly.  
  
“Are there any side effects you’re experiencing?”  
  
“I have no energy. Just getting out of bed is a struggle. This is exactly like when I was on Seroquel,” Sirius retorted, arms folded against his chest.  
  
Fairgood nodded. “It’ll taper off, soon. Your body is getting used to the lithium. Have you been taking your medication at the same time every day?”  
  
Sirius shrugged in response. “I don’t fucking know.”  
  
“Taking the medication regularly at the same time every day will help,” Fairgood noted, scribbling something down onto her pad.  
  
“Great,” Sirius muttered.   
  
“Besides getting used to the meds, how has your week been?”  
  
“How do you think?” Sirius asked sharply. “I sit in the house and take my pills and sleep. That encompasses my entire life. Lucky me!”  
  
“I’m sure that you’re exaggerating by-”  
  
“No. I’m not,” Sirius said sharply, his eyes clouding with rage. “I haven’t done _anything_ but stay in the house. I only just recently ventured downstairs to eat a few slices of toast at Mrs. Potter’s _insistence_. I didn’t shower for the first week or leave my bed, except to piss and swallow down my meds. I haven’t spoken to Remus since I went on the bloody meds because everything is _too much_ and I’m so tired and I just can’t deal with all of this because it’s too exhausting!”  
  
“Your friends started the fall term,” Dr. Fairgood noted, ignoring his outburst.  
  
“Don’t talk about that. I don’t want to talk about that,” Sirius said irritably, his shoulders stiffening.   
  
“You’re upset you weren't able to continue your studies this term.”  
  
“Upset is an understatement. If I can’t do that, what the fuck am I supposed to do? This is my punishment for being suicidal? I’m being kept from the one thing that gives my life meaning? Great,” he snorted, kicking the leg of the table before him. “I wish I was dead. I wish I’d bled out when I slit my fucking wrists last spring.”   
  
“Sirius-”  
  
“I don’t care. I don’t care. I fucking wish I had died. Okay? My life is shit and the medication you put me on makes me want to fucking die. Just like I said it would! Are you happy now?” Sirius screamed, his lips contorted into a scowl.   
  
“Would you say that you are feeling suicidal right now, Sirius?” Dr. Fairgood asked calmly.   
  
Sirius nodded, tears beginning to trickle down his cheeks. “Yes.”

* * *

_Safety Contract 9/2/15_  
  
_I, SIRIUS ORION BLACK, promise not to do anything to cause harm to myself for the remainder of the week. If I am having urges, I will speak with someone in my support system and talk about why I want to harm myself. I commit to life for seven days with the option of renewing for another seven days. I will stay safe._

* * *

Sirius spent the car ride home from therapy staring out the window, ignoring Mrs. Potter’s attempts at casual conversation.   
  
“Did everything go alright?” Mrs. Potter asked, as she pulled the car into the driveway.   
  
Sirius shook his head, reaching into his pocket for the crumbled piece of paper he’d shoved into it before leaving Dr. Fairgood’s office. “Here,” he mumbled, avoiding eye contact as he handed her the slip. “Just read it... I don’t want to talk about it,” he added, opening the door and slipping out of the passenger seat. Without another glance towards Mrs. Potter, he made his way towards the house, letting himself in through the back door. To his surprise, he found himself before James and Lily, who were lounging about at the kitchen island, drinking smoothies. “Sirius!” Lily said brightly, offering him a wide smile.  
  
“I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever! How are you?”  
  
Sirius shrugged, overwhelmed by Lily’s enthusiasm. “Fine,” he muttered, shoving his hands into his pockets.   
  
“How’d your session go?” James asked, eyeing him nervously.  
  
Sirius shrugged. “Fine. I’m going upstairs.”  
  
He made to leave, only to find James and Lily right on his tail. “You don’t need to follow me,” Sirius muttered as he climbed the stairs, rolling his eyes. “I just want to lie down.”  
  
“Come on, mate. I’ve barely seen you the past few weeks.”  
  
“Yeah, you’ve been busy with _school_ ,” Sirius snapped, climbing into bed and pulling his comforter over himself.  
  
“How have the meds been, Sirius?” Lily asked, ignoring Sirius’ pointed jab at their being enrolled in uni.  
  
_Silence._  
  
“We were thinking about ordering takeaway if you’d like to join us. We can watch something together, if you’d like. Even Gossip Girl, if you want,” James offered, frowning as Sirius turned his back to the pair, rolling over on his side.  
  
“Sirius.”  
  
_Silence._  
  
Lily squeezed James’ hand as he continued to attempt to make conversation with Sirius, who responded by pulling his covers over his head, remaining mute.   
  
At last, James sighed heavily, defeated. “Alright, mate. Let us know if there’s anything we can do for you.”

* * *

“Lily,” Remus said, surprised, as he answered the door. “What are you doing here?”  
  
“Can I come in?” Lily asked, shoving Remus out of the way and letting herself into the flat.   
  
“Of course, come right in,” Remus said dryly, rolling his eyes. “I’m just working on a paper.”  
  
“Tea?” she asked pointedly, a single eyebrow raised.  
  
“You know where the kettle is, Lily. You’re here enough,” Remus retorted, nodding towards the kitchen and returning to his laptop, settled on the coffee table in the sitting room.   
  
“James is on his way over,” she called from the kitchen.  
  
“Alright,” Remus replied, turning his attention back to his laptop.  
  
He managed to complete half a page before he was interrupted by knocking at the door. “James,” he said immediately, as he swung the door open.  
  
“Lils told you I was en route?” he asked, smiling weakly.  
  
“Tea is ready, lads,” Lily’s voice rang out.  
  
“Let me save my work and I’ll be right in,” Remus noted, nodding towards his open laptop.  
  
The three settled around the kitchen table, each nursing a cup of tea. “So,” Remus started, eyeing the pair expectantly. “You aren’t holding some sort of intervention for me, are you?”  
  
Lily laughed nervously. “We’re just worried about Sirius,” she noted, taking a sip of tea. “He won’t talk to anyone. Has he...”  
  
“He hasn’t turned his phone on, yet, or contacted me, if that’s what you’re asking,” Remus quipped, taking a sip of tea a bit too quickly, burning his tongue in the process. “Ah, fuck.”  
  
“You need to go see him, Remus,” James stated, pleadingly.  
  
Remus sighed, nervously rapping his fingers against the table. “I don’t know I just... I’m worried about him, obviously. But he hasn’t asked for me so he doesn’t want to see me so I don’t want to just show up unannounced, and upset him. If he wants time alone to sort himself out, then I get that and I want to respect that and oh... I don’t know.”  
  
“Rem... Wanting something and needing something are two very different things. Just because he wants to be alone doesn’t mean it’s _good_ for him. Please,” Lily added, her green eyes pooled with concern.   
  
“We tried talking with him yesterday when he got home from therapy. He refused to respond to anything we said and eventually pulled his covers up over his head until we went away,” James noted, chewing on his lip. “Mum said his therapist made him sign some sort of safety contract... He told his therapist he was suicidal.”  
  
Remus glanced up at James, his heart beating nervously in his chest. “He said that to her? That’s... That’s not good, James.”  
  
“I hate seeing him like this, Rem. It’s worse than when he’d have his depressive episodes. At least then he’d occasionally say something to me, or I’d hear him pacing around his room, browsing the internet or something. He just lies there in bed. He won’t come down and watch the telly with me, he barely comes down to eat. I have to coax him into showering or even changing his clothes. It’s just...” James paused, breathing deeply through his nose in an attempt to calm himself.  
  
The three paused, staring as they heard the sound of a phone vibrating. “Mine,” James noted, reaching into his pocket.   
  
Remus silently observed him as he scanned the message on the screen, his lips pressed firmly together. “It’s mum... she has to work a double shift tonight... I need to get home so I can give Sirius his evening meds.”  
  
Lily and Remus cast James confused looks. James sighed, draining the last of his tea. “Mum’s been keeping a hold of Sirius’ meds. Part of his safety contract... keeping his medications out of his hands so that he isn’t tempted to... you know...” he paused, frowning. “Though I’m sure he’s got a stash of xanax salted away somewhere in his room.”  
  
Remus frowned, his hands trembling slightly as he brought his cup to his lips. “Will you tell him I said hello and that I miss him?” he asked softly, shooting James a pleading look.  
  
“I think you should tell him, yourself,” James replied evenly.   
  
Remus sighed, staring down at the table. “Just see how he reacts if you mention my coming round... if he seems okay with it... I’ll come. I just... I’m trying to do the right thing, James. I don’t want to upset him or make this any more uncomfortable than it has to be, alright?”  
  
James nodded, turning to Lily. “Feel like coming with me?” he asked. “Sirius can get a bit nasty when it comes to evening meds... his second dose of lithium. I haven’t had to give him his meds, but I’ve heard him arguing with mum about taking it and I...” he frowned, shutting his eyes for a moment, “I don’t know if I can stomach arguing with him about it.”  
  
Lily nodded, squeezing James’ hand gently. “Think about it Rem. We’ll keep you posted, okay?”  
  
Remus nodded, squeezing the bridge of his nose between his thumb and index finger. “Okay.” _I feel a migraine coming on._

* * *

**Group text (James P, Lily E, Remus L) from Regulus B:**  
  
Haven’t been able to get a hold of him... is everything okay?  
  
He shut his phone off... started meds and isn’t adjusting well.  
  
Has anyone talked to him?  
  
_No._  
  
**_Not really._**  
  
Barely. I tried talking to him when he came down to supper last night but he zoned out then apologized and went back upstairs.  
  
What do they have him on? How long has he been on them?  
  
Prozac, 60mg, daily. Lithium carbonate, 150mg, twice daily. Xanax, as needed. Two weeks, now.  
  
He’s been really lethargic. Barely leaves the bed. Not eating much. Complains of having no energy, seems to have a hard time functioning or concentrating on anything.  
  
**_He’s only been showering and changing his clothes because James makes him._**  
  
Lily...  
  
**_James, he needs to know the whole picture. He won’t talk to us._**  
  
_He told his therapist he wants to kill himself._  
  
Mum has his pills. He signed a safety contract. We’ve been keeping an eye on him. Mum, Dad, and I. Someone is always home with him.  
  
Okay. I’m coming down Friday after my morning lecture to see him.

* * *

**Text Message to Remus L from Regulus B:**  
  
You need to talk to him.  
  
_He turned his phone off... and I’m not his bf. I don’t want to impose if he wants to be alone while he’s dealing with this._  
  
You are the only one he wants to see. Why aren’t you there with him right now?   
  
_Because he hasn’t asked for me. Sirius always comes to me if he needs me... I don’t want to impose. It’s not my place and I don’t know what he wants or needs right now._  
  
If you want to be in my brother’s life you need to know when he needs you, without him asking for it. He’s sick. You never saw him on mood stabilizers. He’s in zombie mode. Barely functioning. It probably hasn’t even registered to him that he hasn’t spoken to you. Or he just can’t muster the energy. He needs you.  
  
_Are you sure?_  
  
Yes, I’m sure. He needs you. I saw the way he was with you. How he reacted to your touch and presence. You soothe him. He needs your help to drag him out of this fog he’s in.   
  
_Okay. I’ll go see him. Hopefully he doesn’t send me away or refuse to speak, like he’s done to James and Lily._  
  
Good. And I doubt he will. Let me know how it goes. 


	13. I'm Afraid I'm Alone and Entirely Useless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Sorry if this is a bit on the short side. I've been in a bit of a mood lately and it's been hard to do much beyond dragging myself to work every day. Hopefully this isn't too disappointing a chapter. Apologies in advance if it is.

Remus paced outside Sirius’ bedroom, unsure of whether to knock or just walk in. He’d arrived at the Potter’s a half hour before, biding time by having a quick cup of tea with James and Lily before she hurried off for her evening Organic Chemistry lecture. He took a deep breath, preparing to knock on the door, only to feel a light hand on his shoulder.  
  
“What?” he asked, turning his head.  
  
“Don’t be so nervous. Just walk in and see him. God knows that’s what I do,” James replied, shrugging his shoulders.  
  
“But you _live_ here, James. I haven’t so much as heard a word from him in two weeks,” Remus argued, shoving his hands in his pockets. “How is he?”  
  
James sighed. “He’s been in a mood. Hard to tell if he’s in a depressive state or still adjusting to his medication.”  
  
Remus nodded, unsure of what to say. “I’m sorry I haven’t been much help to you... It must be hard, having to handle him all on your own.”  
  
“It’s okay. Truthfully, it’s been mostly my mum and dad dealing with him... I was just recruited to help ensure he’s taking his meds,” James replied, waving off Remus’ concerns. “You’re here, now. That’s a huge help. I’m sure he’ll respond to your presence. He’s not really thrilled with Lily or I at the moment.”  
  
“Oh?” Remus asked.  
  
“Lily asked him to help her with her orgo homework and he... it’s understandable, really. He’s frustrated that we’re all back in school and he’s not. He’s not himself, right now. But he’ll shake it off and be alright, soon.”  
  
Remus nodded. “Alright, well. I guess it’s now or never.”  
  
James nodded, offering Remus a weak smile. “Don’t take it personally if he’s snippy or anything. He’s not well. I’ll be in my room... if you need anything. I’m sure he’ll be happy to see you.”  
  
Remus nodded, watching as James retreated down the hall to his own bedroom. With shaking hands, he turned the doorknob, entering Sirius’ bedroom. To his surprise, he found Sirius sitting up in bed, staring ahead at his television. “Hey,” he started, closing the door behind him.   
  
“Hi,” Sirius replied, eyes still glued to the television screen.  
  
“How are you feeling?”  
  
_Silence._  
  
Remus quickly slipped off his shoes, lowering himself onto the edge of Sirius' mattress. “Haven't heard from you in a few days,” he noted, glancing up at the tv screen. _Rick and Morty. Hmmm._  
  
“Sorry,” Sirius muttered, glancing over at Remus with a hesitant look.  
  
“It's alright. I've just missed you,” Remus replied, offering Sirius a warm smile.   
  
“I didn’t know you watched this,” Remus noted, attempting to make conversation.  
  
Sirius nodded, turning his attention back to the screen. “Yeah. Found it when scrolling through Hulu... Been watching it repeatedly for the past few days. I like it.”  
  
“That’s very you. Fixated on something and watching it repeatedly until you’re sick of it,” Remus said teasingly, inching closer to Sirius.  
  
Sirius shrugged. “I guess so... Haven’t been able to do much but watch tv anyway so... I’ve found this show to be rather calming.”  
  
Remus nodded. “That’s... Good. I’m glad that you found something you like watching. But um... I wanted to....” he trailed off, unsure of how to broach what he wanted to say.  
  
“What’s up, Rem?” Sirius asked, again turning his attention to Remus.  
  
Remus sighed, taking a deep breath. “So I've been thinking, we never really discussed.... if you don't want to talk to me about everything going on with your health, I get it, but if there's something I can do, you can tell me and-”  
  
“Remus. I can't. I'm just. It's hard to even construct sentences right now. My medication is making me so tired. Can we not, right now?”  
  
“Sure, sure.”   
  
“How's school?” Sirius asked, turning off the tv set.  
  
“It's alright. I've been thinking about teaching.”  
  
“ Teaching?” Sirius asked, brows furrowed in confusion.  
  
“Yeah. Like once I'm out of uni. Teaching English,” he elaborated.  
  
“You'd be an amazing teacher, Rem,” Sirius assured him, offering Remus a slight smile.  
  
He paused, frowning. “Has anyone.. you know, asked about me?”  
  
Remus nodded. “Yeah. Apparently Marlene was pretty upset we were all no-shows at her last party.”  
  
“Who do you mean by _we_?”  
  
“Well, I didn't go, and James and Lily didn't either so... Sirius, if you want to talk you know I'm here, right?” Remus asked, unnerved by the panicked expression on Sirius’ face.  
  
“I feel worse than I did before, Rem. I just sit here and stare at the wall and go to therapy. I have no purpose,” Sirius replied, staring down at his lap.  
  
“Don't say that,” Remus replied, reaching out and placing a hand over his.  
  
“Everyone is gone all day and I have nothing to do,” Sirius retorted, sighing heavily.  
  
Remus cleared his throat. “I was doing some research and you know there’s... groups. For people struggling with... you know.”   
  
“You can say it, Rem. It's okay. I'm mentally ill. It's fine.”  
  
Remus frowned. “When’s the last time you've eaten anything?”  
  
Sirius shrugged in response. “Dunno.”  
  
“Why don't we go downstairs? I'll make you breakfast if you'd like,” Remus suggested, eyeing Sirius hopefully.

* * *

Reluctantly, Sirius followed Remus downstairs, settling into a chair at the kitchen island. “What time is it, anyway?” he asked, stifling a yawn.  
  
“It’s seven pm,” Remus replied, staring into the open refrigerator.  
  
“So why did you offer to make me breakfast?” Sirius asked.  
  
“Because you love breakfast. I figured you might want to eat if it’s something you enjoy.”  
  
Sirius nodded, leaning on the counter with his elbows as he observed Remus. “What are you going to make me?” he asked.  
  
Remus frowned as he settled a carton of eggs on the kitchen counter. “I’m going to try my best to not burn your eggs this time. Though I’m not making any promises, given I’m not used to cooking with such fancy appliances as the Potter’s have,” he noted, turning to face Sirius.  
  
Sirius rolled his eyes. “You mean because you don’t have to light a match to ignite the burner?” he asked wryly, cracking the faintest hint of a smile.  
  
“ _You’re_ the one accustomed to such fine things, Mr. Black. Perhaps you could assist my poor, _common_ self with cooking in this futuristic kitchen?” Remus asked, shooting Sirius a pleading look.  
  
Sirius smiled, rising to his feet. “I suppose I better help you... I don’t want to eat blackened eggs.  
  
Remus watched as Sirius stretched his arms over his head, the hem of his tee shirt rising up, exposing an inch of Sirius’ pale stomach. He stared, his eyes focused on the faint trail of dark hair traveling downward from his navel. Remus coughed, feeling heat creep up his neck. “Shall we get started?” he asked, ignoring the knowing smirk Sirius was giving him.  
  
“Sure,” Sirius agreed, lightly brushing past Remus as he made his way towards the stove.   
  
“You’ve always been great at cooking, I don’t know why you don’t do it more often,” he noted, retrieving a carton of orange juice from the refrigerator.  
  
Sirius shrugged. “You know why, Rem,” he muttered, bending to grab a frying pan from the cabinet beside the range.  
  
Remus nodded, abandoning the juice on the counter and approaching Sirius from behind, wrapping his arms around his waist. “Still... you’re good at it. I’m rubbish at cooking. I can’t even make toast without burning it.”  
  
Sirius smirked, turning around to face him. “That’s because it requires precision, like chemistry. Forget what they say about cooking being an art. It’s all science, Moony.”  
  
Remus made a face, sticking his tongue out.  
  
“That’s a good look for you, Moons,” Sirius noted, laughing.  
  
“I’m dying of hunger, Sirius. Please, cook us some eggs. Please,” Remus begged, nodding towards the range. “Go on.”  
  
“Alright, alright. Set the table then, would you? And pour me a glass of orange juice as well.”  
  
Remus nodded. As Sirius busied himself with preparing the scrambled eggs, Remus retrieved his cell phone from his pocket, hastily sending a message to Regulus. **I think I’ve cheered him up some. I’ve gotten him to leave his room, at least. He’s making us something to eat.**

* * *

Sirius stared down into his drink, his vision doubled. _What the hell is wrong with me? I’ve only had three drinks_. He frowned, trying to remember what time he’d arrived at the pub. By his calculations, he’d only been there for two hours. He’d been nursing his drinks, so how could he possibly already be drunk? He’d been taking his medication for a month and a half now, and had at last started to wander out about town on his own accord. Bored out of his mind, he’d elected to go out and have a drink, needing a distraction as his friends all had evening classes that night. Thankfully, the side effects of his medication had begun to subside and he was feeling more like himself. He reached for his beverage but paused as he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. **Where are you? Time for evening meds**. “Fuck,” Sirius muttered under his breath, rolling his eyes. “It’s the fucking meds.”  
  
He had forgotten one of the many reasons he did not like taking antidepressants; they decreased his tolerance to alcohol. _Probably shouldn’t be drinking on them, anyway. A few more drinks and I’ll probably be ready to slash my wrists open, again_. He shrugged, ignoring better judgment as he reached for his glass, draining the contents. He dug through his pockets in search of his keys, paused, then decided against driving home. Instead, he dialed James’ number, holding the phone to his ear with his shoulder as he ordered another drink.  
  
“Hey, are you okay? Where are you? What’s going on?” James’ panicked voice asked, answering after barely two rings.  
  
“I’m drunk. Come get me,” Sirius replied, offering the bartender a polite nod as he reached for his freshened beverage.  
  
“Where are you? And why are you drinking? I thought that wasn’t a-”  
  
“I’m well aware of that fact, Jamie. And yet, here we are. I’m at the pub near uni. You wouldn’t deny me one of the few pleasures left in my life, would you?” Sirius interrupted, taking a sip of his drink.  
  
“You’re going to be sick, you know... don’t you think, Sirius?”  
  
“At least I didn’t try to drive home drunk,” Sirius muttered bitterly.  
  
“Well, thank you for that,” James replied, sighing heavily. “Are you okay, mate?”  
  
“What, I want to have a bloody drink and suddenly you assume that something is wrong with me?”  
  
“Sirius, don’t-”  
  
“Hanging up now, James.”  
  
Angrily, Sirius slammed the phone down onto the bar, tossing back the remainder of his drink. “Another one, I think,” he muttered, grabbing hold of the edge of the bar as he felt a wave of dizziness pass him. “And a shot. Jameson.”  
  
Fifteen minutes later, James arrived, watching with distaste as Sirius tossed back another shot of Jameson, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.   
  
“Honestly, Sirius. How much did you have to drink? Look at you, you can barely stand straight,” James sighed, watching with arms crossed against his chest as Sirius dug through his wallet to pay his tab.  
  
“Not that much,” Sirius countered, slamming a fistful of notes on the bar. “Cheers, Leslie,” he muttered, offering the blonde behind the bar a short wave before turning his attention to James. “Let’s just go, already,” he muttered, rolling his eyes.  
  
“Can you even _take_ your meds if you’ve been drinking?” James asked, once they were settled in the car.  
  
Sirius shrugged. “Dunno. Guess I’ll take them and find out,” he offered.  
  
James frowned, gripping the steering wheel tightly. “This isn’t a game, Sirius. It’s not funny, being so careless about your well-being.”  
  
“At least I’m _taking_ my meds, James,” Sirius retorted, fumbling to dig through his pockets for his pack of cigarettes.  
  
James put the car in reverse as Sirius lit up, blowing smoke in James’ face. “I don’t even see how you have the right to be angry, James. _I’m_ the one who’s life sucks. _I’m_ the one who has to be on medication because I’m _crazy_. Where’s some fucking sympathy, mate?” he continued, an accusatory tone to his voice.  
  
“Stop,” James said warningly. “I’m not in the mood to argue with you.”  
  
“I don’t know what you expect from me, _James_. It’s not like I even see you except when _you’re_ tasked with giving me my meds. Too busy with uni and Lily and being an actual _person _to bother with me, huh?”__  
  
“You’re not even making any sense, Sirius. Please. You’re drunk. I’m sorry if I was being short with you, I’m just tired. I’ve had a long day.”  
  
“Next time I’ll just drive drunk, okay James? Sorry I’m such a _burden_ ,” Sirius muttered, staring sulkily out the window.   
  
“Sirius,” James started, watching as his friend miserably slumped up against the passenger window.  
  
“All I’m good for is making other people miserable. I’m sure you’re tired of me, by now. Having to deal with me and all of this. Having to be like a fucking caretaker because I’m too fucked up to be trusted to take my medication myself. I’m sure Remus is sick of me. Like I even deserve to have someone like him. How could he ever love someone like me?” Sirius slurred, continuing to stare out the window.  
  
“Sirius, you’re not a burden. I _want_ to be able to help you. And don’t say that about yourself. Anyone would be lucky to have you. You’re wonderful. And you’re being ridiculous, saying that Remus could ever get sick of you. He’s known you nearly as long as I have, and he’s stuck around, hasn’t he? You’re thinking nonsense, Sirius,” James said calmly, fiddling with the dials on the stereo.  
  
“He’s not even my boyfriend, James. We’re just... I can’t even... Christ this is embarrassing,” Sirius mumbled, turning to face James.  
  
“What is? You haven’t said anything.”  
  
“I haven’t even slept with him, James. Like... You know.”  
  
James observed him a moment, eyebrow raised. “Really?” he asked, surprised.  
  
Sirius nodded sullenly. “Fucking meds...”  
  
“You’ve been adjusting to the meds. It’s understandable that you haven’t yet when you spent nearly two entire weeks holed up in bed, Sirius. You’re starting to feel like yourself again, I’m sure it’ll happen sooner or later,” James assured him, turning his attention back to the stereo. “What do you feel like listening to?” he asked.  
  
“Doesn’t matter,” Sirius muttered, shrugging. “It’s not just... look I need to talk to someone about this, so I guess you’ll have to do. I don’t... He’s tried to initiate things and I just keep shrugging it off because I can’t get it up... The meds killed my libido. I don’t know how to explain that to him and he must think I hate him or something because you know... I mean, I know I’m a whore and that I usually fuck everyone, immediately. And I just... I don’t know how to deal with this James,” Sirius said miserably, raking his fingers through his tangled mess of hair.   
  
“You know Remus wouldn’t care if you told him that,” James said quietly, selecting a song and pressing play. He turned his head, feeling a weight lifted from his chest as he caught sight of Sirius’ lips turning upward into a slight smile, obviously recognizing the opening part of The Postal Service’s _Brand New Colony _.__  
  
“You think so?” Sirius asked, tapping his foot in time to the music.  
  
“Of course,” James assured him.  
  
Sirius nodded, staring down at his lap.  
  
“Are you okay?”  
  
Sirius shrugged. “I don’t know.”  
  
James nodded, reaching over to pat Sirius on the shoulder. “You’ll be alright, mate. When we get home, why don’t I make you some tea and you can take your meds and maybe have a bath if you’d like? If you’re still feeling... you know... _down_ , maybe you can take half a xanax?”  
  
Sirius nodded, shooting James a grateful look. “Alright... Thanks mate.”


	14. I Feel Like Running Headfirst Into Traffic

Sirius woke to a splitting headache, his mouth bone dry. “Ughhh,” he groaned, choking back a wave of nausea as he forced himself to sit up, instinctively reaching for the glass of water beside him. He chugged down the water, sighing in relief as the cool liquid soothed his aching throat.  
  
“How you feeling, mate?” James asked, observing him from Sirius’ desk.  
  
“What’re you doing in here?” Sirius asked, rubbing his temples.  
  
“You were in pretty bad shape last night,” James replied, shrugging. “Didn’t want to leave you alone... Good thing I didn’t, too. You needed help getting up to puke a few times last night.”  
  
Sirius nodded. “Aspirin?”  
  
“I’ll grab it,” James offered, rising to his feet and hurrying off to the adjoined bathroom.  
  
“Here you go,” he smiled, offering Sirius a dixie cup with several pills.  
  
“Why are there so many?” Sirius groaned.  
  
“Morning meds.”  
  
“Oh.”  
  
Obediently, he took the cup of pills, taking them all at once and chasing them down with a few sips of water.  
  
“So about last night,” James started, taking a seat on the edge of Sirius’ bed.  
  
“What?” Sirius asked, rolling his eyes.   
  
“You were... Feeling pretty low. How are you feeling now?”  
  
Sirius shrugged, glancing down at his lap. “I hate feeling like a child. I want to just take the meds myself. I don’t need to be handed them by someone... It makes me feel like I’m crazy. Like I can’t be trusted.”  
  
James nodded, offering Sirius a sympathetic look. “Makes sense... Well, let’s talk to Mum about it. I’m sure she’d be okay with you being responsible for taking your medication if that’s what you want.”  
  
Sirius nodded. “Okay. Good.”

* * *

“Sirius, are you ready to go?” Remus asked, tapping his foot impatiently on the floor. He’d arrived at the Potter’s nearly an hour ago, and Sirius was _still_ in the bathroom, getting dressed. “We’re going to miss the first set if we don’t leave _now_.”  
  
At last, the bathroom door swung open. “Okay, I’m ready,” Sirius sighed, brushing a loose strand of hair from out of his face. “You’re wearing _that_?” he asked critically, eyeing Remus up and down.  
  
“Yeah,” Remus replied, rolling his eyes. “It’s a _concert_ , Padfoot. Not a _fashion show_.”  
  
“I know that,” Sirius retorted, “but _still_. It’s a _punk_ show.”  
  
“We’ve had this discussion before, Padfoot. I don’t need to dress up to prove I’m punk rock. I’m more punk rock than you,” Remus said calmly, offering Sirius a bemused look.  
  
“But honestly, Remus. A _sweater_? Really?” Sirius insisted, dramatically placing both hands on his hips.  
  
“You look very cute, though. Very punk rock, Sirius,” Remus chuckled, reaching out and smoothing down Sirius’ hair.  
  
Remus smiled, admiring Sirius’ appearance. He _did_ enjoy when Sirius got dressed up in what he referred to as his _punk rock_ look. There was something about Sirius in skintight jeans and ripped up tee shirts that exposed just the right amount of skin that worked Remus up into a frenzy. _If things go well tonight, I’ll be looking forward to seeing those skinny jeans balled up on my bedroom floor_.  
  
“Thank you, Moony,” Sirius beamed.   
  
“Shall we be going, then?” Remus asked, glancing down at his watch.  
  
“Are you _sure_ you don’t want to change?” Sirius asked.  
  
“Sirius. You _like_ my sweaters. If I recall correctly, just the other day, I came home from class to find you curled up on my couch, drinking tea in one of _my_ sweaters,” Remus retorted, rolling his eyes. “I don’t need to get dressed up to go to a show.”  
  
“Fineee,” Sirius sighed. “Let’s go, then.”  
  
The pair made their way towards Sirius’ car, their feet crunching on fallen leaves as they walked along the pavement. “I love autumn,” Sirius mused, as they got in the car.  
  
“Of course you do,” Remus noted, taking care to put on his seat belt. “It’s your birthday month. Of course you love autumn.”  
  
He glanced carefully at Sirius a moment, his lips opening a bit before quickly closing again.  
  
“What?” Sirius asked, shooting him a quizzical look.  
  
“Are you sure you want to drive?” Remus asked.  
  
“Why?” Sirius muttered, through gritted teeth.  
  
“Just... If you think you’re going to drink, maybe we should take the tube instead?” Remus suggested.  
  
Sirius sighed heavily, his jaw tensing as he swallowed. “ _Fine_. I won’t drink, okay?”

* * *

Sirius stood a fair distance from the crowd, smile etched on his face as he caught sight of Remus in the pit, dancing. _Suppose he was right. He is more punk than I am_. Sirius had long since abandoned the pit, getting his lip split open by a stray fist during the first band’s set. He glanced longingly at the bar, where three strangers sat sipping on cheap lager. True to his word, he hadn’t had so much as a sip of alcohol that evening. Though at this point... He shook his head, banishing the thoughts from his mind. _You’re at a fun punk show. You got to see one of your favorite bands. Remus is with you, and is sharing something you love. You have nothing to be miserable about_.  
  
“Hey you,” Remus whispered in his ear, wrapping his sweat-drenched arms around his form.  
  
“Having fun out there?” Sirius asked, feeling his chest loosen up as he breathed in Remus’ familiar scent.  
  
“Mhmm... I told you I wouldn’t be out of place, sweater be damned,” he replied, grazing his lips against Sirius’.  
  
“What’s wrong?” he asked, immediately registering the uneasy look on Sirius’ face.  
  
“Nothing...” Sirius mumbled, glancing towards the bar, once more.  
  
Remus bit his lip, understanding. “Hey, your lip looks like it could use some ice... DOA already played... Why don’t we get home? It’s already pretty late,” he offered, nodding towards the door marked _Exit_.   
  
“Are you sure?” Sirius asked, struggling to hide the eagerness in his voice.  
  
“Yeah. Let’s go home.”  
  
Sirius sighed contently, nuzzling Remus’ shoulder. “Sorry I wanted to leave so early,” he apologized, tossing his right arm around Remus’ waist.  
  
“It’s okay. I’m having a much better time, now,” Remus replied, craning his neck to shoot Sirius a knowing look. “Besides,” he added, the corners of his mouth turned upward into a smirk, “cuddling is _very_ punk rock, Sirius.”

* * *

Sirius frowned at his reflection in the mirror. “I’m fine,” he said aloud, rattling the bottle of pills in his right hand. “I don’t need medication. I don’t need it.”   
  
He paused, stared down at the pill bottle, then unscrewed the cap. Shoulders rigid, he tapped his prescribed dose into his left palm. Resigned, he tossed his head back, dry swallowing the pills.   
  
He quickly dressed, rushing out the door. _Late for my appointment. Christ, the only thing I do on any given day and I can’t even get there on time_. Miserably, he started his car, pressing hard down on the accelerator as he navigated his way through the city towards Dr. Fairgood’s office.   
  
“How are you today, Sirius?” Dr. Fairgood asked, glancing down at his chart.  
  
“Good.”  
  
“How have you been with your medication? It’s mid-October, so enough time has passed to be sure it’s working. Do you think it’s helping?”   
  
“Yeah,” Sirius lied coolly, drawing blood as he bit down on the inside of his cheek.  
  
“Have you thought about attending the support group I told you about last week?”  
  
Sirius stared ahead, ignoring Dr. Fairgood’s words. The week prior, she had suggested that he would benefit from interacting with others suffering from his condition. She’d also hinted that she felt he was isolating himself from others, which wasn’t beneficial to his treatment.   
  
“Sirius?”  
  
“Hmm... Yeah, I thought about it. Maybe I’ll go,” he mumbled, eyes still focused on the window behind Dr. Fairgood. _Fat chance. Group therapy is bollocks_.  
  
“Have you been taking your medication regularly?” Dr. Fairgood asked, a hint of doubt in her tone.  
  
“Yup,” Sirius lied. While he’d taken his medication diligently at first, he’d quickly slipped into taking them erratically, if at all.  
  
As he left therapy, he quickly texted Remus, checking to see if he was available. As he got in the car, he felt his phone vibrate. **I have a major paper due :( maybe later this week?** Sirius frowned, throwing his phone into the backseat. “Figures,” he muttered, putting the car into reverse.  
  
Instinctively, he made his way to the closest liquor store, rushing in to buy a pint of whiskey. He glanced at his wrist for the time. _2 in the afternoon. No reason to not get drunk_.

* * *

“Hey, what's wrong?” Lily asked, observing Sirius from the entryway to the living room.  
  
“Nothing.”   
  
“Nothing?” Lily repeated, taking a seat beside Sirius' lying form on the floor.   
  
“You know you can talk to me if you've got something on your mind.”  
  
Sirius shrugged, stretching his arms over his head. “The meds aren't helping,” he muttered, gray eyes focused on the ceiling.  
  
“Did you talk to your doctor?” Lily pressed.  
  
He shook his head no. “I can't.”   
  
“Why can't you?”  
  
“She'll want to increase the dosage of lithium,” Sirius retorted, struggling to reach for the nearly empty bottle of whiskey at his side.  
  
“Did you tell her how much you've been drinking?” Lily asked.  
  
Sirius sat up, shooting Lily a withering look. “I don't drink that much, Lils.”  
  
Lily rolled her eyes. “Bollocks. I've seen the recycling bin, Sirius. And you passed out in the living room at 2 in the afternoon.”  
  
“So? It's not like I have anything better to do,” he muttered.   
  
“Did you ever think that maybe your drinking is counteracting any good effects the medication might have and exacerbate the side effects?” Lily queried, her arms folded against her chest.  
  
Sirius remained silent.   
  
“The Prozac is making your depression worse, I guess?” she asked.  
  
Sirius nodded. “When I'm drinking, at least it shuts off the nagging thoughts in my head.”   
  
“Thoughts like what?”  
  
“That I'm not enough. Not good enough. For anyone. For him,” Sirius mumbled, messily running his fingers through his hair.  
  
“Who?” Lily asked. “Remus?”  
  
“He doesn't even want to spend time with me, anymore.”  
  
“He's busy with school, Sirius. And he works. You know that he’d spend every free moment with you, if he could.”  
  
“I just can't shake this feeling that one day he'll wake up and see the real me, and leave,” Sirius insisted, clicking his tongue to punctuate his statement.  
  
“Have you talked to your doctor about these thoughts you're having?”  
  
“No. I don't want to be on an antidepressant. It's not helping me.”  
  
“Sirius, you need to talk to your doctor about-”  
  
“I stopped taking it,” Sirius interrupted, shrugging his shoulders.  
  
“What,when?” Lily asked, panicked.   
  
“I dunno. Two, three days ago? I dumped my script down the sink.”  
  
“Sirius, you can't just stop taking a medication like that!”  
  
“Why?”  
  
“You know why,” she hissed. “Are you trying to kill yourself?”   
  
Sirius remained quiet for a moment, thinking. “Maybe.”

* * *

Sirius paced outside of Dr. Fairgood’s office, taking a drag off his cigarette. In an attempt to not be late, he’d arrived way early. “Fuck,” he muttered, glancing down at his wrist. _Still another forty minutes_.  
  
“Sirius,” a familiar voice called out.  
  
Sirius turned his head, catching sight of his cousin, Bellatrix, exiting the psychiatrist's office. “Bella,” he offered, giving the dark haired beauty a nod in recognition.  
  
He watched as she pulled her unruly raven-colored curls up into a sort of updo, securing it with a hair tie. “It’s been a while,” she noted, her china-white skin a harsh contrast to her all-black ensemble.  
  
“Indeed,” Sirius retorted, not objecting as Bella removed his cigarette from between his lips, taking a drag of it, herself.  
  
“Just got out of the bin not too long ago,” Bella offered, her lips contorted into an attempt at a smile.  
  
Sirius nodded, knowing all too well the difficulties of forcing oneself to smile at such an unpleasant confession. “Do you see Fairgood, as well?” he asked, lighting another cigarette.  
  
“No. I see Walker. He specializes in Bipolar II, rapid cycling. What’re you in for?” Bellatrix asked, producing a pack of cigarettes from her own handbag.  
  
“Borderline Personality Disorder.”  
  
“Here’s to the Black family madness, eh?” she laughed, her cherry-red lips parting to expose perfectly even, white teeth.  
  
“The family curse,” Sirius agreed wryly, shaking his head.  
  
“What meds are you on?”  
  
“Lithium. Prozac.”  
  
“I’m on Depakote and Klonopin,” Bellatrix noted, rattling the pills in her bag with a good shake.  
  
“What are you doing, just standing around, anyway?” she asked, eyes narrowed.  
  
“Waiting for my stupid appointment,” Sirius muttered.  
  
“Well.. I just scored before I came to my appointment if you still have a taste for blow,” she noted, shooting Sirius a familiar smirk.  
  
“Is it good?” he asked, unable to contain his eagerness.  
  
“Come now, Siri. It’s the _best_.”  
  
Without a moment’s hesitation, Sirius followed Bellatrix to her car, barely able to contain his excitement. “Here?” he asked,  
  
“Are you trying to get arrested?” she scoffed. “I have a flat ten minutes up the road. Follow me there.”  
  
Sirius nodded. “Alright.”

* * *

Sirius watched as Bellatrix carefully chopped up the coke, her nimble fingers arranging even lines straight across the mirrored tray on the coffee table. Elegantly, she bent over the tray, sterling silver snuff tube scraping across the surface as she inhaled a line of the off-white powder. She inhaled deeply, pressing her fingers against her nostrils, as a look of bliss appeared on her features. “Here,” she mumbled, offering Sirius the snuff tube.  
  
He felt his palms sweat as he prepared to do a line. He hadn’t done coke since he’d started taking his medication. _Do I really want to do this?_ He paused, hands shaking as his mind raced. He thought of Remus, his sweet face encouraging him to work on taking better care of himself, to be _good_ and take his medication. He frowned. _It’s not like it’s helping, anyway_. Shaking his head, he brought the tube to his nose, quickly breathing in a line. He gasped, overwhelmed by the sensation of the drug hitting his system. _Everything is perfect_.  
  
“Good, right?” Bella laughed, holding her palm out for the snuff tube.  
  
“Yeah,” Sirius agreed, barely registering the taste of battery acid dripping down the back of his throat. “You were right... it’s great.. who’d you get this off of?”  
  
“A better dealer than you’ll find in Camden, Sirius. Honestly. Considering who we are, who your father is, you’d think you’d have gotten yourself a proper Chelsea-based dealer, by now,” Bellatrix retorted, rolling her eyes.  
  
“So how is whatshisname... That bloke you were dating, what’s his name again?” Sirius asked, blowing another line.  
  
“Rodolphus,” Bellatrix quipped, a grin plastered to her face. “He’s good. We’re good. _Great_ , actually. Engaged and everything,” she noted, thrusting her left hand into Sirius’ face.  
  
“His _grandmother’s_ diamond,” she gushed, tilting her hand so that the diamond sparkled in the light. “Four carats. Mum said I did well.”  
  
Sirius nodded, taking in Bellatrix’s forced smile. As she continued to babble on about how her wedding planning was going, it dawned on him that her smile didn’t match her voice. _I don’t know who she’s trying to convince, me or her._  
  
“I heard about your car accident,” she said lowly, her body suddenly still.   
  
Sirius breathed in deeply, unnerved by her sudden stillness. From the moment they’d entered the flat, Bella had been one fluid motion, barely able to sit still for even a second, except to neatly inhale another line of cocaine.  
  
“You just.. You wanted everything to stop, even for just a second, didn’t you?” she asked, her hollow gray eyes staring hard into his own.  
  
“Yeah,” he choked, fingernails digging into his thighs as her words hit him like a brick to the face. “Yes, _exactly_. I just... I wanted it all to stop.”  
  
He blinked a few times, only acutely aware that teardrops were now trickling down Bellatrix’s cheeks. “Yeah... I... I know how that is,” she muttered, arms crossed against her chest.   
  
“It’s getting better though, isn’t it? The medicine, Rod, anything... It must help, some,” Sirius muttered, unaware of how desperately he hoped he would affirm this for him.  
  
He felt his fingers shake, dropping the snuff tube as Bellatrix laughed hollowly. “No,” she said dryly, reaching forward to pick up the tube. “You don’t get _better_. You just get better at hiding it,” she concluded, elegantly leaning over the tray, rapidly inhaling two lines in a row.


	15. With This Spark, I'll Go Up in Flames

Remus unlocked the door to his flat, tossing his book-bag onto the floor beside the door.  
  
“Rem!” a familiar voice called out, grabbing his attention.  
  
Remus smiled, catching sight of Sirius, sprawled out on the couch. “Hey, Sirius,” Remus greeted the darker haired boy.  
  
He stood still, watching as Sirius quickly rose to his feet, flinging himself at Remus. “I missed you,” Sirius said lowly, loosely wrapping his arms around Remus’ neck.  
  
“I missed you too, Siri,” Remus choked, squirming as he felt Sirius’ tongue slide down his neck, emitting a low guttural growl as Sirius bit down right below his Adam’s apple. “Are you alright, Padfoot?” Remus asked, taken about by Sirius’ unusually aggressive greeting.  
  
While the pair had been intimate for a few weeks now, Sirius had never come on to him like this. If anything, Remus usually found himself initiating things. “You seem really... up,” Remus continued, frowning as he tried to find the word he was looking for to describe Sirius’ behavior.  
  
“I _am_ up!” Sirius retorted excitedly, removing his arms from Remus’ neck and moving them lower, one arm wrapped around his waist, the other placed firmly on Rems’ right hip. “It’s a great day. It’s been great,” Sirius continued, tilting his head as he moved in to plant a trail of kisses down Remus’ neck.  
  
“It didn’t rain today and the sun is shining and you finished your paper the other night so I get you all to myself!” he chattered away, his hands making their way down Remus’ body, stopping at his belt buckle. “Want you,” he breathed, his mouth hot against Remus’ skin.  
  
The two clamored towards the bedroom, hastily removing clothing. Sirius grabbed Remus by the throat, forcing him down onto the bed, their lips locked. Remus sighed contently, his hands running through Sirius’ luscious mane. “Gods, Siri.. now, now,” he muttered hoarsely, wrapping his right leg around Sirius’ waist.  
  
“One sec,” Sirius smirked, removing himself from Remus’ grasp.  
  
Remus watched, smiling fondly as Sirius rummaged through the dresser drawer, producing a condom from the mess of half-folded boxers, lubricant, and other toys. “Thanks,” he whispered, motioning for Sirius to come closer.  
  
“Anything to make my Moony comfortable,” Sirius retorted, expertly rolling the rubber onto his member.  
  
“Now, shall we?” he asked, returning to the position they'd held previously; Remus, lying flat on his back with one leg wrapped around Sirius.  
  
Sirius pounded Remus mercilessly, each thrust punctuated by a satisfied scream on Remus’ part. “God. Yes. Harder. Dear Christ.”  
  
“Remus!”  
  
“SIRIUS!”  
  
“I fucking love you.”  
  
_Silence._  
  
Sirius felt a release as he came, but was met with an overwhelming sense of anxiety, rather than relief. He pulled out, a panicked expression on his face.  
  
“Sirius, are you okay?” Remus asked, alarmed by Sirius’ sudden change in demeanor.  
  
“Yeah,” Sirius muttered, staring down at the floor, ignoring his deflating erection. “Sorry,” he started, eyes still lowered to the ground as he took a seat on the edge of the bed.  
  
“Why are you sorry? I love you too,” Remus replied, scooting closer to Sirius and resting a hand on his thigh.  
  
“Then why didn't you...”  
  
“I was just... taken aback. It's not every day the most handsome bloke you've ever laid eyes on tells you he loves you...”  
  
Sirius nodded, processing Remus’ words.  
  
“Hey, come here,” Remus coaxed, pulling Sirius close to him, gently pressing kisses along his collarbone. “You're amazing. How'd I get so lucky to find such an amazing boyfriend?”  
  
“Boyfriend?” Sirius asked lowly.  
  
“Yeah... I mean... we've been seeing each other for nearly two months now... I've been telling people that I have a boyfriend...” he paused, his brows furrowed together worriedly. “If you don't want to or think we're moving too fast, I mean-”  
  
“Shut up, Moony. Of course I want to be your boyfriend,” Sirius smirked, pulling Remus closer for another kiss.

* * *

“Someone's in a good mood today,” Lily observed, a curious smirk planted on her lips.  
  
“Of course,” Remus hummed, pouring himself a cup of tea.  
  
“Things are going good with-”  
  
“My boyfriend,” Remus interrupted, the corners of his mouth turned upward.  
  
“Boyfriend?” Lily asked, eyebrows raised. “So it’s official, then?”  
  
“Yep,” Remus affirmed, continuing to beam at Lily.  
  
“That's good, Rem,” Lily replied, her smile wavering slightly. She reached for her cup of tea, taking a sip.  
  
“So, Sirius has been doing good lately?” she asked.  
  
Remus nodded. “Mhmm. He says the medicine has really leveled him out. I think that he seems a lot better, don't you think?”  
  
Lily nodded. “He certainly seems happier. Though that might have more to do with you than the meds, Rem.”  
  
“So he's been okay? No mood swings? Not drinking?” Lily continued, attempting to keep her tone neutral.  
  
“No, why?” Remus asked suspiciously. “Is something going on?”  
  
“No, of course not,” Lily mumbled.  
  
“Lils.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“Don't play this game. What's going on?” Remus pressed, staring expectantly at the redhead.  
  
Lily sighed. “I don't know... I just know he's been drinking a lot, at least when he's alone. He told me he stopped taking his antidepressants. I guess I'm just worried.”  
  
“He has seemed a little... up,” Remus noted, sighing heavily. “Do you think he's using again?” he asked worriedly.  
  
Lily took a sip of her tea, hesitating. “No... but I'll keep my eye on him if you'd like?” she offered.  
  
Remus nodded, burying his face in his hands.  
  
“Rem, are you alright?” Lily asked, alarmed by the sudden shift in Remus’ mood.  
  
“Yeah... I just... I feel stupid.”  
  
“You're not stupid, Remus. Sirius is doing alright. He's been keeping himself safe, and he's been going to therapy and I think he's still taking his mood stabilizers. He hasn't had a serious manic or depressive episode since he's started his medicine. He's showering and eating regularly. We just need to keep an eye on him, you know? Stay alert so if a problem does arise, we can step in to help,” Lily explained, immediately regretting voicing her suspicions to Remus. _He’s obviously so happy that they’ve finally gotten together. Damn it, Lily. When will you learn to keep your big mouth shut?_  
  
“Okay,” Remus agreed, a look of relief on his face.  
  
Lily smiled, pleased to see she hadn’t completely ruined Remus’ good mood. She set her tea cup aside, eyeing Remus expectantly. “Now, on to important matters. You never told me how the sex is.”  
  
“I hate you, Lily,” Remus blushed.  
  
“Ooh, you've turned the loveliest shade of red, Remy. I've heard he's into some kinky shit. Is that true?” Lily asked, eyeing Remus eagerly.  
  
“No,” Remus laughed, nearly gagging on his sip of tea. “Dear Christ, where did you hear that?”  
  
“Marlene.”  
  
Remus rolled his eyes. “Sirius said sleeping with her was like fucking a rag doll. She just laid there, doing nothing.”  
  
Lily snorted, spitting out her sip of tea. “Oh my god!”  
  
“He's just very assertive. He definitely likes to top, but I wouldn't say he's into kink. Just rough, no frills, hottest sex of my life, thank you very much,” Remus continued, unable to contain a smirk.  
  
“God, you're no fun. I tell you all about my sex life,” Lily whined, pouting.  
  
“I wish you wouldn't,” Remus countered, grimacing. “I don't want to hear about how you got James totally bombed so you could whip him with your grandmother's riding crop.”  
  
“Bet you'd like to borrow it so Sirius could take a whack at-”  
  
“Stop it, Lily!” Remus laughed, tears pooling in his eyes.  
  
“Was he a good boy after? Did he let you ride him hard and put him away wet?” Remus teased, unable to contain his curiosity about his best friend’s sex life.  
  
“He knows how to treat a lady,” Lily retorted, a self-satisfied smirk on her lips. “I took good care of him, after. Like the good partner I am. Put lotion on his red skin and snuggled. It was nice.”  
  
“He said ‘I love you’,” Remus blurted out, unable to keep it to himself, any longer.  
  
“What?” Lily asked, confused.  
  
“Sirius... He um... He told me he loves me,” Remus repeated.  
  
Lily paused, a small smile forming on her lips. “I’m so happy for you, Rem,” she told him, pulling him into a hug. “Make sure he treats you right. I’ll kill him, otherwise.”

* * *

“How are you today, Sirius?”  
  
“Fine,” Sirius muttered irritably, frowning at his phone.  
  
“If you could put your phone down,” Dr. Fairgood said firmly, eyeing Sirius coolly.  
  
“In a second,” Sirius huffed, rapidly typing a message. He pressed send, placing his phone beside him.  
  
“I would prefer if you would refrain from using your phone during sessions,” Dr. Fairgood continued, scribbling something down on the pad in front of her.  
  
“I don’t see why it matters,” Sirius retorted, his lips twisted into a sneer. “ _I’m_ paying for this session. If I want to check something on my phone, I see no reason not to.”  
  
“It’s disrespectful-”  
  
“I don’t see why I should care,” Sirius interrupted, arms folded against his chest. “This is a waste of my time.”  
  
He glanced at his phone again, checking his messages. _Nothing, yet_.  
  
“Sirius,” Dr. Fairgood prompted, folding her hands on her desk.  
  
“You know what,” Sirius snapped, rising to his feet. “This is a waste of my time.”  
  
“Sirius, please calm down, you’re-”  
  
“No! You’re _not_ helping me! _This_ isn’t helping me!” Sirius screamed, gesturing wildly. “Fuck this!”  
  
“Sirius, please. Calm down.”  
  
“I’m done. I’m fucking _done_. Therapy is bullshit and you’re not helping me.”  
  
Dr. Fairgood remained silent, observing Sirius as he gathered his coat. “You can go ahead and cancel my scheduled appointments. I won’t be back.”  
  
Without another word, Sirius stormed out of the office, slamming the door behind him.  
  
Once outside, he lit a cigarette, ignoring his shaking hands as he brought it to his lips, inhaling deeply. He stared up at the late October sky, only partially aware of what had just transpired in Fairgood’s office. He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket, pulling him back into reality. **You doing anything?** Sirius smiled. _Bellatrix_. He hastily typed a reply, making his way to his car. As he settled in behind the steering wheel, he felt his phone vibrate again. **Come over. Rod is at work and I’m bored.**

* * *

“So,” Bellatrix asked, pausing to snort a line off the tray on the coffee table, “how was therapy?”  
  
“I quit,” Sirius retorted, holding out his hand for the snuff tube.  
  
“What?” Bellatrix asked, an eyebrow raised in surprise.  
  
“I decided it was bullshit,” Sirius shrugged, leaning forward to do a line. “It’s not like she was _helping_ , anyway,” he muttered, folding his arms against his chest.  
  
“I know what you mean,” Bella retorted, rising gracefully to her feet and striding towards the liquor cabinet. “Drink?” she asked, holding up a bottle of bourbon.  
  
“Please,” Sirius replied, nodding eagerly.  
  
“You still on your meds?” she asked, pouring two rocks glasses to the brim.  
  
Sirius shrugged. “Not really... I stopped the Prozac. It was making me feel like utter rubbish. And the lithium...” he trailed off, frowning. “Sometimes I take it... It’s hard to remember, you know?”  
  
Bella nodded, handing him a glass. “I take mine when I remember to... it makes Rod crazy, I think,” she said bitterly, taking a gulp of her drink.  
  
Sirius brought the glass to his lips, savoring the burn as he drank. “Fuck,” he muttered, thinking about therapy.  
  
“Hmmm?”  
  
“I just realized... What am I going to do about therapy? If James and them all find out, they’ll go mental... Can’t just tell them I up and quit...” he muttered, waving away Bella’s offer of the snuff tube.  
  
Bellatrix shrugged, taking another line. “Why don’t you just come round here when you would normally be at your appointments?” she suggested, sniffling and wiping her nose with the back of her hand.  
  
“You wouldn’t mind?” Sirius asked, taken aback by his elder cousin’s generosity.  
  
“Sure, why not? I could use the company,” she said bitterly, her lips twisted into a forced smile. “No friends... Fiance at work... No school or job to keep me busy... It’d be nice... A change of pace from my usual lounging around the flat all alone.”  
  
“Thanks,” Sirius replied, glancing up at his cousin. “It’s... It’s kind of nice, spending time with you... I mean... You know what it’s like.. Being-”  
  
“Crazy?” Bella quipped, offering Sirius a wry smile.  
  
“Something like that,” Sirius agreed, pausing to snort a line.  
  
“This is really good shit,” he noted, wiping his nose with his sleeve.  
  
“It is, isn’t it?” Bella smirked, tossing back the remainder of her drink.  
  
“So,” she started, eyeing him curiously. “Are you seeing anyone?”  
  
“Why?” Sirius asked hesitantly, gripping his drink tightly.  
  
“Curious,” she shrugged, pulling her thick curly locks into a knot on top of her head. “My hair is impossible,” she noted, making a face. “I don’t know why I couldn’t have hair like Cissy or Andy,” she continued, frowning.  
  
“I like your hair,” Sirius countered. “It’s _you_. No one but you has such beautiful curly hair.”  
  
“It’s a rat’s nest.”  
  
“Even so, I like it. It suits you. Plain old straight hair would be _boring_ ,” Sirius observed, shrugging. “Plus it’s dark, like mine.”  
  
“The only indication that I’m _actually_ a Black,” Bellatrix noted, frowning at the thought of her two sisters.  
  
“I always thought Andy looked a lot like you,” Sirius noted, tilting his head as he thought. “Only her hair was a tad lighter and straight.”  
  
Bellatrix nodded, her lips still twisted tightly into a scowl. “Whatever. I don’t want to talk about _them_ ,” she snapped, arms folded against her chest.  
  
“I um... I have a boyfriend,” Sirius replied, responding to Bellatrix’s earlier question, in an effort to snap her out of her mood.  
  
“Really?” she asked, surprised.  
  
Sirius nodded. “Yeah,” he said, sighing. He glanced down at the floor, suddenly sullen.  
  
“What’s wrong?”  
  
Sirius shrugged. “Do you ever wonder if maybe you don’t deserve it, to be loved by someone else?” he asked quietly, carefully staring down at his shoes.  
  
“Yeah,” Bellatrix replied lowly, turning her head to gaze out the window. “I know how that is.”  
  
“I keep waiting for him to realize that I’m not... To see who I _really_ am. I keep wondering if maybe I’m not meant to be with anyone, you know?”  
  
Bellatrix nodded. “And that maybe you should just burn it all to hell? Leave them before they leave you?”  
  
Sirius nodded, pressing his lips together. “You... You really get it, don’t you?” he asked.  
  
Bellatrix nodded grimly. “You have no fucking idea.”

* * *

Sirius sighed, deleting the latest voice mail he’d received from his mother. With trembling hands, he rummaged through his desk drawer for his stash of xanax, trying and failing to block out his mother’s words, which were echoing in his head. _Failure. Shame of my flesh. Worthless. Stay away from Regulus. You’ll ruin him. Not my son._ He squeezed his eyes shut, rubbing his temples, silently begging for the voices to stop. _Even running away couldn’t keep her from haunting me_. He grasped the bottle of xanax in his right hand, victorious. He shook out a handful, dumping them onto his desk. Carelessly, he crushed two bars, not bothering to organize the powder into even lines before snorting them. _I need it to stop. Now_. He breathed in through his nose, nearly gagging from the burning drip down the back of his throat. _Still not enough_. He glanced around the room, his heart beating skittishly as his mother’s shrill voice continued to fill his head. _Shameful. A disgrace_. His eyes fell on the double-edged razor blade, nestled between two jewel cases in his desk drawer. He paused, glancing from the razor, to the pills on his desk, and back again. _It can wait_ , he thought, as he gingerly removed the razor from the drawer. The xanax forgotten for the time being, he disappeared to his conjoined bathroom, not bothering to lock the door behind him.  
  
“Sirius?” Lily asked, lightly rapping on Sirius’ half-opened bedroom door.  
  
_Silence_.  
  
“Sirius?” Lily repeated, a slightly panicked tone to her voice.  
  
Sirius glanced up, blearily. “Hmmm?” he mumbled, rubbing his eyes.  
  
“What's going on?” Lily asked, hands on her hips as she entered the room.  
  
Sirius shrugged. “Xanax,” he muttered, eyes focused on the ceiling.  
  
Lily sighed. “So you're doing that, again?”  
  
“Why not? Nothing better to do,” Sirius retorted, yawning.  
  
“You know you shouldn't be abusing your medication like that,” Lily scolded.  
  
Sirius shut his eyes, stretching his arms over his head. “You’re being a drag,” he observed dully.  
  
“How many did you even take?” Lily prompted, brows knit worriedly.  
  
“I dunno... Four... Maybe five... I don’t know,” Sirius mumbled, again shrugging his shoulders. He sniffled, smiling as he caught a whiff of residue power lining his nostrils.  
  
“You snorted them, I presume?”  
  
“Stop looking so surprised, Lily.”  
  
“Sirius,” Lily sighed, taking a seat beside Sirius on the floor. “You’re better than this, you know that, right?”  
  
Sirius rolled his eyes, muttering something incomprehensible under his breath.  
  
“Hmm?” Lily hissed, glaring.  
  
“You’re all busy with school. I have nothing else to do. Let me have this, Lily,” Sirius sighed, covering his face with his hands. “Would you mind restarting my playlist? I don’t... Don’t feel like getting up.”  
  
“How is therapy going? Have you talked to your doctor about feeling like you don’t have anything to do with your free time?” Lily pressed.  
  
“It’s fine,” Sirius lied, squeezing his eyes shut. “I... We don’t talk about all that, Lils. Besides... Doesn’t matter. I’m not going to go to group therapy. It’s dumb. It’s... I’m not going to.”  
  
“So instead you’ll snort xanax and lie on your bedroom floor listening to Pink Floyd and The Postal Service?” Lily asked, her voice bitter with sarcasm.  
  
“What do you want from me, Lily?” Sirius asked tiredly.  
  
“I want you to stop moping around feeling sorry for yourself... Or at least admit to your _boyfriend_ that things aren’t as _great_ as you’re leading him to believe.”  
  
Sirius turned his head, observing her for a minute. “Lily,” he started, biting his lower lip. “I... Remus... I... I just _can’t_ , okay?”  
  
“He deserves to know if something isn’t right, Sirius,” Lily replied, her voice gentler. “He loves you. He... If you’re struggling, he wants to help you.”  
  
“No one can help me,” Sirius said softly, turning his attention back to the ceiling.  
  
“Sirius.”  
  
“I don’t deserve him, you know.”  
  
“Sirius.”  
  
“He’s so good and I’m just... I’m _me_. A fuck up. Crazy. _Trash_.”  
  
“Sirius,” Lily said softly, placing a hand over Sirius’. “Did... Did your Mum...”  
  
“Lily, I don’t want to talk about it... She... it doesn’t matter. I’m dead to them, anyway,” he mumbled, rolling over onto his side, turning his back to her.  
  
“Sirius,” she continued.  
  
“Go away, Lily,” Sirius said lowly. “Please.”  
  
“You’re not going to do anything stupid, are you?” Lily pressed, wringing her hands nervously. “Like hurt yourself?”  
  
“No. I won’t,” Sirius lied, instinctively tugging down his sleeves. He winced, as his fingers grazed a fresh wound he’d carved into his flesh only hours ago.  
  
“If you want to talk... I’ll be downstairs... And I could make you some tea, you know.. If you want,” she offered, unnerved by how quiet Sirius had gotten.  
  
“I’m alright,” Sirius replied stiffly, back still turned. “I just need to be alone. I won’t leave the house... I just... I want to be alone.?"


	16. Sometimes It Just Feels Better To Give In

“Sirius.”  
  
Blearily, Sirius looked up, squinting from the harsh rays of sunlight pouring through the windows of the Potter’s living room. “What...” he started, his head throbbing.   
  
Remus had been busy finishing a paper for his romantic literature class, and Sirius had decided to occupy his time during that period by going on a three day bender. “What do you want?” he concluded, staring up at James, who hovered over him. He didn’t look pleased.  
  
“Do you remember how you got home?” James asked, the corners of his mouth turned downward.  
  
Sirius shrugged. “I don’t know, James... can you get me some water?” Sirius asked, nearly gagging. His mouth tasted like stale liquor and cigarettes. _Blegh_.  
  
Sirius winced as James dropped a bottle of water down on his chest. “Thanks,” Sirius muttered, grabbing the water and taking a deep sip.  
  
“Mum found you asleep in the car in the driveway this morning,” James continued, staring at Sirius disapprovingly.  
  
“Then how did I get in here?” Sirius asked mildly.  
  
“She woke you up and this is as far as you made it, I suppose,” James hissed. “What the fuck are you doing, Sirius?”  
  
Sirius sighed, rubbing his eyes. “I don’t feel like having this conversation, James,” he mumbled.  
  
“I don’t care what you _want_ , Sirius. What’s going on? Why are you doing this shit, again?”  
  
Sirius stared blankly, ignoring James’ question.  
  
“Sirius!” James shouted, grabbing Sirius by the forearm.  
  
“ _Christ_ , what?” he screamed, wincing as James’ grip applied pressure to fresh wounds from a few days prior.  
  
“I thought you were going to talk to me, talk to _someone_ if you were feeling badly, again,” James said sadly, letting go of Sirius’ arm. “What’s going on?”  
  
“Nothing,” Sirius sighed, squeezing his eyes shut as his head continued to throb.  
  
“Sirius, you can’t lie to me. You’re.... obviously something is wrong,” James countered, gesturing towards Sirius.  
  
“I don’t know how to explain it, James. I just... It’s just _me_. I’m fucked up. Always have been, always will be, okay?”  
  
“You shouldn’t drink so much,” James said lowly.  
  
“I don’t drink too much,” Sirius retorted irritably. He rose to his feet, nearly falling over. “I’m going upstairs.”

* * *

“Sirius, I’ve got to get to class,” Remus whispered, nudging Sirius awake.  
  
“Hmmm... what?” he muttered, eyes fluttering open as Remus observed him from his side of the bed.  
  
“I’ve got class... are you feeling alright?” Remus asked nervously.  
  
The previous night, he’d arrived home from a lecture to find Sirius waiting for him in his flat, already half-drunk. Over supper and a film, he’d proceeded to continue drinking. The evening had concluded with a very inebriated Sirius roughly handling Remus as he took him from behind. _He didn’t mean it_ , Remus reminded himself, glancing down at the bruises that were beginning to form around his wrists. _He’s very strong. He didn’t realize what he was doing._  
  
“I’m fine,” Sirius replied, staring hollowly up at the ceiling.   
  
“You want to get up, maybe have a cup of tea? I have a two hour break in between lecture and work, so I could come home and we could spend some time together,” Remus offered, gently placing his hand over Sirius’.   
  
“Can’t you call in sick?” Sirius asked, rolling over on his side to face Remus. “I miss you... can’t we just spend today in bed?”  
  
“You know I can’t do that, Siri... I’ve got to work, I’m covering Alice’s shift.”  
  
Sirius rolled his eyes. “But...”  
  
“But I promised I would work for her today so that I can have off for your birthday in two weeks. Surely you’d rather I be able to spend _that_ day with you, right?”  
  
Sirius nodded. “I suppose,” he sighed.   
  
“Don’t you have therapy this afternoon?” Remus noted.  
  
Sirius nodded. “Yeah. Right. Forgot.”  
  
Remus frowned. “Hey... is everything alright?”  
  
“Yeah, why?”  
  
“You seem a little... off. You know you can talk to me if... you know... about anything, really.”  
  
“I know,” Sirius mumbled. “Just tired. Wake me up when you get home?” he asked.  
  
Remus nodded, sighing. “Alright... have a nice lie in, then. Love you,” he replied, leaning forward to give Sirius a peck on the lips.  
  
“Love you too.”  
  
Reluctantly, Remus dragged himself out of bed, quickly changing into a pair of cords and a tee shirt. “I’ll see you in a few hours,” he called over his shoulder, as he gathered his school bag.  
  
“Okay,” Sirius muttered, half-asleep.  
  
Hopefully he won’t be drunk again when I get home. Or worse.

* * *

“I think he’s on coke again.”  
  
Lily frowned, taken aback by James’ sudden statement. “What, why?”  
  
James sighed, shoving his textbook away from him. The pair had been studying together in the library for the past two hours, and he’d been building up the nerve to broach the subject for the past forty minutes. “He looks skinny. And he’s not eating much,” he started, nervously running his fingers through his unruly black hair.  
  
“He’s always been on the lean side, James,” Lily noted gently, carefully closing her textbook and stacking it to the side with her notebooks. “Though I will admit, he does look like he’s lost some weight.”  
  
“It’s not just that,” James continued, fidgeting in the uncomfortable wooden chair. “He’s up all night. I hear him pacing around his room... when he’s actually home, that is.”  
  
Lily frowned. “I thought he was just drinking a lot, again,” she noted, rapping her fingernails against the table.  
  
“He’s probably doing both. Sirius has never been one for moderation,” James laughed dryly. “He was drinking a ton the last time he was using heavily.”  
  
Lily sucked in a breath, untying her hair. Coppery locks flowed down past her shoulders. “Maybe he’s just spending the night at Rem’s the nights he doesn’t come home?” she suggested, nervously twirling a strand of hair around her finger.  
  
“Sometimes, I’m sure. But not all the time,” James replied dully. “He went on a three day bender when Rem had that paper to write and couldn’t spend the weekend with him a week or two ago.”  
  
“Have you said anything to him?” Lily asked.  
  
“To who? Sirius?”  
  
“No. Remus. Have you asked him if he’s noticed any weird behavior?”  
  
James frowned, staring down at the table. “I really don’t want to ask him that, Lils,” he mumbled.  
  
“Why not?”  
  
“He seems so happy. I don’t want to you know, ruin this thing they have going,” James continued, sighing heavily.   
  
“You know he stopped taking his antidepressants,” Lily noted.  
  
James stared at her, color draining from his face. “I... I didn’t know that,” he mumbled, staring down at the table.  
  
“I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s stopped taking his meds, period,” she added, biting down on her lower lip. _It just never ends with you, does it, Sirius?_  
  
“Really?” James asked lowly.  
  
“Yeah... not like they’d work, the way he’s been drinking,” she retorted, laughing hollowly.  
  
James frowned. “Damn it... I thought he seemed more... on edge, lately.”  
  
“The mood swings are back in full force, I take?” Lily queried.  
  
James nodded, again running his fingers through his hair. “Damn it,” he cursed, brows furrowed.  
  
“I guess that explains why he’s back to lying in bed until four in the afternoon, again. And then up all night,” he continued, shaking his head.  
  
“We should talk to Remus about this,” Lily said softly.  
  
“Do you really want to do that?”  
  
Lily shook her head. “Not really. I’ve spoken to him about it a little bit, so I guess I can give it a shot again.”  
  
“Thanks, Lils,” James said appreciatively.  
  
“It’s no problem... You’ve got enough on your hands, dealing with _him_ at home.”

* * *

“Hey Rem,” Lily greeted Remus from across the cafe. It was nearly eight at night, and the shop was empty, save for Remus and a single patron.   
  
“Lily,” Remus replied, waving from behind the counter. “What brings you around these parts?”  
  
“I’m in dire need of conversation and coffee to get through this calc homework,” the redhead replied, wrinkling her nose.  
  
“You know I’m the last person you want to ask about calculus, Lils. I barely passed trigonometry. Math is more Sirius’ suit,” he retorted, sighing.  
  
“You seem tired,” Lily noted, eyeing Remus critically. “Can you sit with me for a few?” she asked.  
  
Remus glanced around the shop. “I think that’d be fine,” he replied, shrugging. “What do you want?”  
  
“A cappuccino would be nice,” she replied, a small smile creeping on her face.   
  
“Sure thing. Two minutes.”  
  
Remus came around the counter, two mugs in hand. “Here,” he said, offering Lily one. “Where do you want to sit?”  
  
“Here’s fine,” Lily replied, nodding towards the nearest table.  
  
“So,” Lily started, once the two were seated.  
  
Remus stared distractedly into his mug of coffee, his lips twisted into a frown.  
  
“What’s the matter, Remus?” Lily asked softly.  
  
“I’m just tired, Lils....”  
  
Lily shot him a knowing look. “Rem....”  
  
Remus sighed. “And Sirius has been drinking a lot.”  
  
Lily nodded, a single eyebrow arched. “Oh?”  
  
“He goes out when I have class or work, then shows up in the middle of the night, shitfaced. Or he drinks in the flat while I’m at class and by the time I get home, he’s pissed.”  
  
“Have you talked to him about it? Like said that it’s bothering you?” Lily asked.  
  
Remus shook his head. “You know it’s not that simple, Lily.”  
  
“Why not?”  
  
“Nothing with Sirius ever is. He’s just... he doesn’t want to hear it. He begged me to call out and stay home with him, today.”  
  
“He’s lonely.”  
  
“I thought he was doing better, Lily... I just... he shows up in such a state and then in the morning I feel guilty leaving him all alone... It’s exhausting, really,” he continued, resting his head on the table.   
  
“Maybe you should take a break,” Lily said gently, frowning as she took a sip of her drink.  
  
“What, no!” Remus replied, immediately lifting his head up. “We’re having a hard time right now, is all. I’ll get used to it. He’ll calm down with everything. I love him, Lily. I’m not going to break up with him just because we’ve hit a rough patch.”  
  
“You look exhausted, Remus... I’m just saying... you shouldn’t sacrifice your own well-being to look after him.”  
  
“He’s not taking care of himself, is he?” Remus noted, laughing coldly.   
  
“It doesn’t seem that way,” Lily replied, sighing.  
  
“I love him, Lily. I do. I just... I don’t know how much more I can take,” he concluded, frowning. “Does that make me horrible?”  
  
“Of course not,” Lily assured him, shaking her head. “Part of being a good partner is knowing when you need to distance yourself for your own well-being. You can’t help him if you’re not able to take care of yourself.”  
  
“I’m afraid he’ll go mental... I... I don’t want to break up with him, I just... my nerves are wearing thin, Lils, just worrying about him. I don’t know where he goes, what he does when I’m busy at work or at school...” he muttered, running his hands through his hair.   
  
“I’m not saying you should break up... just take a break, for a little while. You know. Some time apart, so you can recharge a little. Dating someone who’s mentally ill is draining, Rem. It might be good for you both to take a step back and spend some time apart for a little while.”  
  
“Maybe,” Remus muttered doubtfully.  
  
“Has he seemed off to you?” Remus asked, taking a sip of his coffee.  
  
Lily paused, hesitating. “Yeah, sort of,” she admitted, reaching for her drink.  
  
Remus’ eyes met hers, silently waiting for her to continue.  
  
“He’s struggling, I think. You know how stubborn he is, Rem. Sirius is a perfectionist. I don’t think he’s fully accepted his diagnosis yet. He’s stuck on the notion that he’s broken, and that he _can’t_ have a normal life, even though that’s far from the truth.”  
  
Lily paused, taking another sip of her cappuccino. “I think he’s stopped taking his meds altogether, honestly. I know he’s having depressive episodes, again.”  
  
“Really? So do you think when he’s lying in bed in the morning, all miserable and not wanting me to leave him, it’s not just a bad hangover?”  
  
“I wouldn’t be surprised,” Lily retorted. “I found him lying on his bedroom floor fucked up on xanax, listening to his Postal Service/Pink Floyd playlist.”  
  
“Well that’s not really anything unusual,” Remus countered, ignoring the nagging thought in his mind that this was _certainly_ a sign that Sirius was not well.  
  
“He could barely speak, Remus. His words were stilted, like he had to really focus to be able to respond to anything I said to him. Tell me that doesn't sound like more than Sirius’ usual over-dramatic antics.”  
  
Remus nodded, defeated. “You’re right... he’s getting bad, again... What am I supposed to do, Lily?”  
  
Lily sighed. “I don’t know, Rem. You have to do what you think is right... he’s _your_ boyfriend. I can’t tell you how you should handle your relationship.”  
  
“I keep telling myself that if I try hard enough to love him, to support him, that he’ll get better. But what if that’s not enough? What if _I’m_ not enough?” he asked, tears beginning to well in his eyes. Remus blinked furiously, forcing the tears back.  
  
“You’re more than enough, Remus. And it isn’t your job to save him. Sirius has to want to get better for himself. If he isn’t willing to put in the work needed to keep himself stable and to keep symptoms at bay, that’s on him. You can’t force him to stop whatever it is that he’s doing... I’m sorry. I know this is hard. Just... this is on him.”

* * *

Remus arrived home after his shift to a surprisingly sober Sirius.  
  
“How was work?” Sirius asked, flashing Remus a bright, perfect smile.   
  
“Not bad,” Remus replied, pushing thoughts of his conversation with Lily to the back of his mind. “How was your evening?”  
  
“Not too bad,” Sirius replied, still grinning. “I made you dinner.”  
  
Remus threw his arms around his boyfriend’s neck, a smile creeping onto his lips. “What’s the special occasion?” he asked, breathing in Sirius’ heady scent. _I love the way he smells. The perfect combination of lemon verbena french milled soap, expensive cologne,leather and just Sirius_.  
  
“Because I love you. And you’ve been so stressed out with work and school... I wanted to do something special,” Sirius countered, kissing the top of Remus’ head.  
  
“I also got something for you,” he added mysteriously.  
  
Remus laughed, squeezing Sirius’ neck tighter. “You didn’t have to get me anything, Siri...”  
  
“It’s nothing special,” Sirius laughed. “Come on, dinner awaits us.”  
  
Remus nodded, eagerly following Sirius to the kitchen. “What’d you make?”  
  
“Steak-frites. Nothing too spectacular,” he noted, turning off the oven. “Don’t worry, I didn’t overcook your steak... I know you like it bloody... my little carnivore.”  
  
Remus laughed, sitting down at the table. “You’re amazing,” he said softly, as Sirius placed his plate down before him.  
  
“It’s nothing, really,” Sirius insisted, taking a seat opposite him.  
  
Remus shrugged, taking a bite of his steak. “It’s so good,” he said, smiling as Sirius took a bite of his own steak.  
  
“I guess I did a pretty good job,” Sirius smirked, spearing a fry with his fork.  
  
“Oh stop with the modesty. You know you’re a brilliant cook, Sirius,” Remus countered, shaking his head. “Gods. I got to come home to steak _and_ my handsome boyfriend. What could possibly top that?”  
  
Sirius smiled coyly. “You’ll see.”  
  
The two slowly finished their meal, Remus filling Sirius in on everything that had happened that day, save for Lily’s visit to the cafe.  
  
“That was amazing, Sirius. Thank you. Really,” Remus said softly, wrapping his arms around Sirius’ waist as Sirius cleaned off the dishes in the sink.  
  
“You’re welcome, Rem,” Sirius replied, turning off the faucet and turning to face his boyfriend. “Now. For your surprise.”  
  
“What is it?” Remus asked anxiously, following Sirius as he strode towards the bedroom.  
  
“Here,” Sirius replied, tossing Remus a Ziploc bag.  
  
“You bought me... weed?” Remus asked, perplexed.  
  
“Not just _weed_ , Remus,” Sirius retorted, rolling his eyes. “I bought you an ounce of OG Kush.”  
  
Remus nodded, unable to contain the smirk on his lips.  
  
“Remember back at school, when you’d get stressed out about exams and be up for days straight revising, and then I’d find you hyperventilating in the toilets in between classes?” Sirius asked, approaching Remus and wrapping his arms around his waist. “And we’d climb onto the roof of the dorms and smoke joints until you calmed down and then you’d sleep like a baby?”  
  
Remus nodded, hugging Sirius back. “Mhmm... that was... nice.”  
  
“I just thought...” Sirius continued, pausing to kiss Remus’ neck, “that it might be nice... to smoke a bowl or two.. and unwind. Just the two of us...” he breathed in heavily, his lips hovering over Remus’ skin, sending chills down Remus’ spine. “You’ve been working so hard... I thought you could use a little something to help you relax,” he concluded, biting down on Remus’ pale flesh.  
  
“God yes,” Remus breathed. “Can we, now?”  
  
Sirius nodded. “Whatever my Moony wants, my Moony gets.”  
  
The two settled onto the couch in the sitting room, Remus anxiously watching as Sirius packed a bowl.   
  
“What do you want to watch?” Sirius asked, smiling at Remus.  
  
“Doesn’t matter,” Remus immediately replied.  
  
“Come on, you choose. Whatever you want.”  
  
Remus shrugged. “I don’t know... would you rather watch a TV show or a movie?”  
  
“Television, obviously,” Sirius replied, grinning. “You know I’m shit at watching movies. Can’t focus.”  
  
“Fair enough,” Remus laughed, turning on the television. “Hmmm... we could watch that dreadful CW show that you love so much... Gossip Girl.”  
  
“Gossip Girl was the voice of our generation, Remus,” Sirius replied mildly, flicking his Zippo open and taking a hit off the bowl. He inhaled deeply, pausing for several seconds before exhaling, blowing a fragrant stream of smoke in Remus’ direction.  
  
“You’re cute,” Remus laughed, reaching out to take the bowl from Sirius’ hands.   
  
“You’re cuter,” Sirius countered, motioning for him to move closer.   
  
Remus obliged, scooting closer to Sirius, sighing contently as Sirius wrapped his arms around him. “False,” he rang out, expertly handling Sirius’ lighter and taking a hit. “This is really good,” he noted, as he exhaled. “Like, _really_ good.”  
  
“I’m glad you like it,” Sirius smiled, kissing Remus gently on the neck. “I don’t like seeing you so stressed out.”  
  
“You’re so good to me.”  
  
“I try,” Sirius noted, shrugging his shoulders. “You’re so good to me... I try to return the favor.”  
  
Sirius paused, holding the bowl in his hand. “Rem... I know I’ve been... difficult, lately. I’m sorry. I know it’s not easy, being with me. I really do love you, you know. And I’m sorry that sometimes I.... I get out of control. I don’t deserve you. You’re too good to me.”  
  
“Shhh,” Remus whispered, turning his head to press his lips to Sirius’. “Don’t say that.”  
  
“It’s true,” Sirius mumbled, his eyes lowering. “I _don’t_ deserve you.”  
  
“No, no. None of that,” Remus tsked, gently tilting Sirius’ chin up, forcing him to face him. “I love you, Sirius Black.”  
  
Sirius nodded, a small smile forming on his lips. “I love you too, Rem.”

* * *

Sirius lay on the floor of his bedroom, staring up at the ceiling. _What are you even doing with your life? You’re so fucking useless. A failure_. He heard his phone vibrating, and reached for it, glancing at the name on the screen. _Regulus_. He pressed ignore, placing the phone down again. “I don’t feel like talking to anyone,” he mumbled, stretching his arms over his head.  
  
He’d texted his dealer twice and had called him three times in the past two hours, and had yet to hear a response. “Fuck,” he muttered, shaking his head as he felt the nagging itch under his skin. He hadn’t slept in three days and was at last starting to come down off of the coke he’d done with Bellatrix earlier that week.  
  
“God fucking damn it, answer your phone, Mulciber,” Sirius muttered, reaching for his phone and dialing his dealer’s number, once again.  
  
As the phone rang to voice-mail, Sirius angrily slammed the phone down, squeezing his eyes shut. He thought of calling Bella, but decided against it. _She’s in Berlin with Rod, on business. No point in ruining her trip_. He sighed heavily, silently cursing himself for not thinking to ask Bella to split the remainder of the coke she’d had on her when they’d parted ways two nights before. _She has way better shit than Mulciber sells, anyway. I should really ask for the name of her dealer_.  
  
At Bella’s urging, he had spent a few nights at her flat, keeping her company while Rodolphus was busy with work. They’d visited half the night clubs in Leicester Square, where Bella had fed him a steady supply of whiskey and cocaine. The week had passed in a blur, and he’d barely noticed that Remus had been too busy with school and work and whatever else to answer most of his texts or calls. _Maybe I should call Rem._  
  
Lazily, he dialed Remus’ number, cracking his neck as he heard the phone ringing. “Hello?” a familiar voice asked.  
  
“Rem,” Sirius replied, pleased to hear Remus’ voice. “What are you doing?”  
  
“Leaving my poetry seminar... what’s up?”  
  
“I miss you... you should come over.”  
  
“I’ve got work, Sirius. I’m sorry this week has been so crazy. But mid-terms, you know?”  
  
Sirius frowned. “I know,” he retorted, sulking. “I just miss you is all.”  
  
“I miss you, too. But I have off this weekend. We can do whatever you like. And then your birthday is next Friday,” Remus continued, his voice soothing.  
  
“Will you come over after work?” Sirius countered.  
  
“I can do that... are you okay, love?” Remus asked, a hint of concern in his tone.  
  
“I don’t know,” Sirius mumbled, biting the inside of his cheek.  
  
“I’m sorry I can’t be there sooner... I know you’re having a rough time, Siri.”  
  
“It’s fine. I’m fine,” Sirius muttered, beginning to regret having rang Remus.  
  
“I’ll stop and get us takeaway on my way over, alright?”  
  
“You don’t have to... I’m not really hungry,” Sirius replied, his stomach roiling at the very thought of food.  
  
Remus’ tongue clicked in disapproval. “You should really eat something. You’ve barely been eating-”  
  
“Rem,” Sirius interrupted warningly. “I’m just feeling low, I suppose. I’ll run a hot bath, lie down for a bit. Maybe that’ll help.”  
  
“Okay,” Remus replied. “That’s a good idea... I’m proud of you, for not just turning to drinking or... _other things_ when you’re feeling bad. That’s really good.”  
  
“Yeah,” Sirius replied guiltily, his stomach churning. “I love you. See you tonight, yeah?”  
  
After exchanging goodbyes, Sirius hung up the phone, overwhelmed by guilt. “I don’t deserve him,” he muttered, staring up at the ceiling.  
  
Sighing, he sat up, dragging himself to his feet. “Some boyfriend I am,” he snorted, shaking his head in disgust. “Who am I kidding? Lying to him. Pretending I’m getting better. What a fucking joke.”  
  
He paced the room, the wave of guilt overpowering. “Fuck,” he muttered, kicking his nightstand. “Fuck.”  
  
He squeezed his eyes shut, rubbing his temples. _He’s going to figure it out, one of these days. He’ll realize. See the real you. The selfish, lying, manipulating piece of shit that you are. It’s only a matter of time. He’s not stupid. He’ll wake up and realize what a liar you are, how worthless you are. Getting better, HA. Here we are again, and you’re still self-medicating with drugs and alcohol to cope with what complete and utter bullshit your life is. What a joke. You don’t deserve him. He’ll leave you. Just like everyone always does._


	17. If You Can't Leave it be, Might as Well Make it Bleed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I'm literally the worst with updating. It's been a chaotic couple of weeks at work, which has left me totally drained. Like come home from work and lie on my floor, can't even be bothered with showering more than twice a week, drained. Maybe one day I'll become the type of girl who can work full-time and regularly update a series and have her life together and, and, and. I hate myself because I'm not, but I'm trying. Hopefully this chapter isn't disappointing.

“Happy birthday, Sirius!” giddy female voices rang out as they entered the Potter residence.  
  
Sirius nodded in acknowledgment, a bottle of whiskey clutched in his right hand.  
  
“Sirius, let’s do shots, come _on_!” Marlene whined, tugging on his sleeve.  
  
“I’m looking for Remus,” Sirius mumbled, swaying slightly as he took a step towards the living room.  
  
Sirius’ birthday party had started about an hour before, though admittedly, Sirius had started the celebration early; he’d already finished a fifth of Jack before any guests had arrived. _Not to mention the blow_.  
  
He vaguely remembered greeting Remus at the start of the evening, but had lost track of him, in between rounds of shots and greeting the multitude of people who’d gathered for one of Sirius’ infamous parties.  
  
Shoving his way through the crowd, Sirius lifted the bottle of whiskey to his lips, taking a deep sip. He smiled as he felt warmth radiating through his core. “Remus,” he whined, stumbling towards the lighter haired boy, who was tucked away in a corner beside Lily, sipping a beer.  
  
“Hey,” Remus greeted him, offering Sirius a warm smile.  
  
“Come here,” Sirius muttered, throwing his arms around Remus’ neck, grinding his hips against Remus’. “Want you,” he growled, letting his left arm trail down Remus’ back, gripping at his buttocks.   
  
Sirius pulled away for a moment, licking his lips salaciously; he’d been drinking steadily all afternoon into the evening, and he was horny. _And Remus in those tight jeans isn’t helping matters_. “Come on, you know you want to,” Sirius continued, grabbing playfully at Remus’ crotch. “Let me fuck you.”  
  
“Sirius,” Remus cried out, swatting Sirius’ hand away from him, “Stop!”  
  
“Why?” Sirius countered, eyes heavy-lidded, his voice dropping dangerously low.  
  
“You’re just... are you high?” Remus asked lowly, nervously tugging at the sleeves of his sweater.  
  
“Fuck you, Remus,” Sirius growled, his tone much louder than it had been before.   
  
“Sirius, wait,” Remus countered, reaching out to grab his wrist.  
  
“No, fuck you, Rem! It’s my _birthday_ , and I’m trying to have a good time. If you’re going to be such a fucking drag and ruin my day, just leave,” he snapped, his eyes glowering with rage.  
  
“Sirius-”  
  
“ _Sirius_ ,” Sirius mimicked, lips contorted into a scowl as he stood facing Remus, hands resting on his leather pants-clad hips.  
  
“Fuck you, Sirius,” Remus muttered, turning and fleeing the room as tears began to trickle down his cheeks.

* * *

“Remus.”  
  
Remus turned his head, taking in a shock of red hair. _Lily._  
  
“What’s wrong?” Lily asked, placing a concerned hand on his shoulder.  
  
“He,” Remus choked, dipping his head down to conceal his tears, his shame.  
  
“Come on, let’s go upstairs,” Lily said soothingly, guiding Remus towards the stairwell and up to one of the spare bedrooms.  
  
“What happened?” Lily asked, as the pair settled down onto the edge of the queen sized bed.  
  
“I... He...” Remus sputtered, struggling to find the words he needed.  
  
“I thought he’d _changed_ , Lils. I thought he was making an _effort_. I thought he wanted to get _better_ , god damn it!” he croaked, furiously wiping the tears from his reddened cheeks.  
  
Lily nodded, offering Remus a sad, sympathetic look. “I know. I know, Rem,” she said dully, shaking her head.   
  
“I mean... what the fuck have I been doing, Lily? All this time I’ve been killing myself trying to _support_ him, _love_ him, be whatever it is I thought he _needed_ and it’s all been for nothing,” he noted miserably, hiding his face in his hands.  
  
“I’ve been wasting all of this time and energy and love on a man who wants no part of a better life. I mean... did he ever even fucking _care_ about me? Or am I just another... another _fuck toy_ to occupy his time until he tires of me and moves on to someone new?” he asked lowly, his words barely comprehensible between his staggering breaths and sobbing.  
  
“Rem,” Lily said gently, rubbing Remus’ back. “Sirius is... he _does_ care about you. But still... his behavior is unacceptable. You shouldn’t be up here crying over him... you deserve more. So much better.”  
  
Lily sighed heavily, rubbing Remus’ back as he continued to sob. _God fucking damn you, Sirius. I know you’re... it’s not entirely your fault but still... Remus is my best friend. He has to come first. Always._  
  
“I think you should tell him you want to spend some time apart,” she continued, reaching up and stroking his golden brown hair. “It’ll be good for both of you. This isn’t healthy for you, Rem.”  
  
“I know,” Remus choked, wiping away tears with the back of his hand.  
  
The two froze as the bedroom door swung open, revealing a rather disheveled Sirius.  
  
“Rem,” Sirius started, smiling serenely at him. “Come here, want you so badly,” he continued, draping his arms around Remus and pulling him into an embrace.  
  
Remus froze, taken aback by Sirius’ sudden advance on him.  
  
“Come on, baby. Let me fuck that tight ass of yours,” Sirius slurred, biting down on Remus’ neck, leaving teeth marks. “You don’t know what you do to me,” he mumbled, reaching down and fumbling with Remus’ belt, completely oblivious to Lily’s presence.  
  
Horrified, Remus shoved Sirius off of him, watching as the darker haired boy fell to the floor in a heap. “Don’t fucking touch me,” he shouted hoarsely, hands trembling as he felt a fresh wave of tears begin trickling down his cheeks.  
  
Unsteadily, Sirius rose from the ground, observing Remus for a moment, taking in his red-flushed cheeks, the tear stains down his face. _I’m a fucking monster_. Arms hanging limply at his sides, he considered his next course of action, his thoughts racing. _Do I apologize? Does he even want that?_ Frowning, Sirius reached absently for his bottle of whiskey, only to realize he’d left it behind somewhere during his trek to find Remus. _You’re already a fucking monster. He hates you. Fuck it_. “Get the fuck out, Remus!” Sirius shouted, folding his arms against his chest.  
  
Remus stared at him mutely from the bed, eyes wide. “What?” he muttered, unsure if he’d heard correctly.  
  
“ **Get the fuck out of my house, Remus. If you’re going to be a fucking dick, then just leave! Get the fuck away from me**!” Sirius screamed, eyes narrowing to slits.  
  
Remus nodded dumbly, rising to his feet. Averting his eyes from Sirius’ gaze, he stormed out of the room, the front door slamming shut as he exited the house.  
  
Lily observed Sirius darkly, disgusted by his behavior. “Sirius, what the fuck-”  
  
“Spare me,” Sirius huffed, shooting the redhead a venomous look.  
  
Without another word, he turned on his heel, disappearing to his own bedroom.

* * *

Locking the door behind him, Sirius shoved the clutter off of his desk, dumping out the remainder of the eight-ball of coke he’d scored earlier that day. “Fuck it,” he muttered to himself, hands shaking as he chopped up the off-white powder, hastily making thick lines across his desk.  
  
Wordlessly, he reached for his snuff tube, sniffing up each line one by one until there wasn’t a speck of powder left. Feeling a rush of adrenaline, he paced the room, thoughts racing. _What did I do?_ Raking his fingers through his messy black hair, he stared at the mirror hanging over his dresser. He stood before it for several minutes, taking in his reflection: pale, white skin peeking out from where his tee shirt had ridden up, exposing a good inch and a half of flesh between the hem of the shirt and where his leather pants hung low on his hips. Eyes bloodshot with dilated pupils. Blood trickling from his right nostril. He frowned, wiping his nose with the back of his hand. He continued to stare at his reflection, an insurmountable rage building inside him. Screaming, he threw himself at the mirror, his fists colliding with the mirror. He continued hitting, ignoring the searing pain of glass ripping open his flesh, completely unaware of the dark red blood dripping from his hands, down his arms, staining his shirt and the carpet beneath him. Once the mirror had effectively been pounded into dust, he turned his rage on the bare wall to his right, punching holes into the plaster until his arms ached, completed drained from the energy put forth. Breathing heavily, he collapsed onto his bed, falling into a fitful slumber.

* * *

The next morning, Sirius woke to a pounding headache. As he lay in bed, mustering the energy needed to get up and find water and coffee and aspirin, he struggled to piece together the night prior. He remembered drinking while getting ready for the party, and he remembered doing shots with a variety of people, but chunks of time were completely missing from his memory. _Guess I blacked out again. Great_. Groaning, he threw his legs over the edge of the bed, shakily rising to his feet. He gripped onto the headboard, his vision blurred by a dizzy spell. “Fuck,” he muttered, shuffling towards the bathroom, where he quickly turned the sink tap to cold, filling the sink before dunking his head into the water.  
  
He lifted his head from the water, droplets of water dripping to the floor as he shook his head, his mind decidedly clearer from the cold water. As he stared at his reflection, taking in the dried trail of blood from his right nostril down his cheek, a thought struck him; he’d woken in bed alone. Surely Remus should have been... He frowned, racking his brain for any clues as to what could have transpired to explain his boyfriend’s noticeable absence. “Remus,” he muttered, eyes widening as he recalled the argument the two had had the night before.  
  
Heart racing, he stared down at his hands, only just realizing that tiny shards of glass were embedded into his skin. “Shit,” he mumbled, sinking to the floor, leaning against the bathroom wall for support. “What did I do?”  
  
Sirius froze as he heard a tentative knock on the door. “Y-yeah?” he called out, unable to pull his gaze away from his bloodied hands.   
  
The door opened slowly, James, followed by a furious looking Lily, entering the room. “Jesus Christ, Padfoot,” James noted, paling at the sight of his friend.   
  
Sirius said nothing, staring at his hands.  
  
“Sirius.”  
  
Sirius glared at the pair, letting his arms fall helplessly to his sides. He hurt. Everything ached.   
  
“What happened?” Lily asked, reaching out and lifting Sirius’ right hand.  
  
“I don’t know,” Sirius mumbled, turning his head, so as not to make eye contact. “I blacked out.”  
  
“James, can you get a tweezers for me, please?” Lily asked lowly, shooting James a pointed look.  
  
James fumbled through the medicine cabinet, quickly producing a silver pair of tweezers. He handed them to Lily, who expertly began removing shards of glass from Sirius’ palms. “Can you get me your mum’s first aid kit from downstairs?” she asked, as she continued to nurse Sirius’ injuries.  
  
James nodded, quickly exiting the room. “You had a rough night,” Lily observed, offering Sirius a sympathetic glance.  
  
Sirius shrugged. “I guess so.”  
  
“I’m sorry I let you storm off... If I’d know you were going to do _this_ , I’d have never left you alone last night. I’m sorry,” Lily continued, holding Sirius’ hand tighter as she struggled to remove a particularly stubborn piece of glass.  
  
“Fuck,” Sirius cursed, wincing from the pain of the sharp tweezers pinching his skin.  
  
“Remus left,” he said dully, lowering his right hand, now glass-free, to the floor, as Lily began to remove shards from his left.  
  
“You told him to,” Lily observed, nimble fingers maneuvering the tweezers to remove tiny shards from the knuckles of his left hand.   
  
“It’s not working anymore, is it?” Sirius asked, feeling his stomach drop.  
  
Lily sighed, lifting her head to meet his gaze. “I’m sorry, Sirius.”  
  
James returned, first aid kit in hand. “Everything alright?” he asked, unnerved by Sirius’ sullen expression.  
  
“All done,” Lily noted, placing the tweezers on the floor beside her.   
  
Sirius grunted something unintelligible, squeezing his eyes shut as he leaned against the wall. Silently, Lily cleaned his hands with antiseptic. Sirius winced, uttering a low hiss as the antiseptic burned the open wounds on his hands. Gently, Lily applied an antibiotic cream, wrapping his hands up with gauze bandages. “There,” she said finally, examining her handiwork.  
  
“Thanks,” Sirius said lowly, instinctively wrapping his arms around his chest.   
  
“You alright, mate?” James asked, mildly alarmed by Sirius’ silence.  
  
“I’m gonna go out for a bit, I think. Clear my head, ya know?” Sirius muttered, rising to his feet.   
  
“Are you alright to drive?” Lily asked, glancing expectantly at James.  
  
“I’ll be fine. I’m not going far.”  
  
James and Lily exchanged worried glances. “Alright,” Lily said at last, unconvinced. “If you need anything, ring us, okay?”  
  
Sirius nodded. “Alright.”

* * *

“You look like shit,” Bellatrix observed, taking in Sirius’ disheveled appearance as he stood in her doorway.  
  
“Thanks,” he muttered, shoving her out of the way, into the flat.   
  
“How was your party?” Bella asked, lowering herself into one of the armchairs in the sitting room.  
  
Sirius paled, slumping down onto the love-seat. “I don’t remember. I got shitfaced and blacked out.”  
  
“What happened to your hands?”  
  
“I got angry,” Sirius said quietly, hugging a throw pillow against his chest.  
  
“Why, what happened?” Bella asked gently, rising to her feet.  
  
Sirius watched as she gathered a bottle of bourbon from the liquor cabinet, carefully pouring two tumblers full, before taking a seat beside him. She offered him a glass, which he took, gratefully. “So?” she asked, taking a tentative sip.  
  
“I fought with Remus,” he mumbled, taking a sip of his drink. He closed his eyes, savoring the warmth of the liquor spreading through his core.   
  
“What were you fighting about?” Bella prompted, gray eyes observing him curiously.  
  
Sirius shrugged. “I don’t even know... something must have happened. All I remember was screaming at him to get out of my house. Then I did a bunch of blow, smashed up my bedroom, and passed out.”  
  
Bella nodded. “I know how that can be... are you okay?”  
  
Sirius shook his head. “It’s not working, anymore,” he muttered, taking a deep sip.   
  
“What isn’t?”  
  
Sirius paused, his lip quivering as he struggled to say it. _We’re not working. Remus and I. He doesn't want to be with me._  
  
“Fuck it,” Bellatrix interrupted, noting his obvious discomfort. “Don’t even think about it. Let’s drink.”  
  
Sirius nodded, tossing back the remainder of his drink. “Alright,” he agreed, a small smile forming on his lips.

* * *

Sirius leaned over the coffee table, carefully inhaling a particularly thick line of cocaine that Bellatrix had graciously set out for the two of them. He inhaled deeply through his nose, eyes shut blissfully as he felt the desired effect coursing through his veins. _Everything is perfect_. He reached for his tumbler of bourbon, tilting his head back as he took a deep gulp of the amber liquid. “I just don’t know what his problem is,” he noted, observing Bella as she lit a cigarette, perched on the arm of the love-seat.  
  
“You know I _could_ cheat on him, if I wanted to. It’d be so easy. I mean... anyone would be thrilled to get into bed with me, you know? I’m Sirius fucking Black. Who wouldn’t want me?”  
  
“Naturally,” Bella agreed, tapping ash into a crystal ashtray.  
  
“I just, fuck,” Sirius muttered, reaching for Bellatrix’s cigarette, taking a drag.  
  
“Do you think you’re going to break up?” Bella asked, reaching for her own glass of bourbon, effectively draining half the glass with a single sip. She observed her younger cousin for a moment, unnerved by how inebriated he was. _It’s been a while since I’ve seen him this bad off._  
  
“I don’t know,” Sirius said hollowly, grabbing the snuff tube off the table, ready to take another hit.  
  
He inhaled another line, nearly choking on the battery acid drip in the back of his throat. “Fuck,” he muttered, reflexively reaching for his drink.  
  
“Do you _want_ to break up with him?” Bella asked gently, eyeing Sirius with concern.  
  
“No,” Sirius sighed, frowning. “But...”  
  
“I love him but I can’t... I’m not _enough_ for him, I guess,” he elaborated, slumping down into his seat.  
  
“You’ve know each other for a long time, though. Couples fight. God knows Rod and I have nasty, nasty quarrels. But if you love each other, you make it work. You shouldn’t just throw in the towel because things are hard, right now,” Bellatrix noted, placing a gentle hand over Sirius’ bandaged one.  
  
“But...”  
  
“You said you love him. Remus is special to you .You... your eyes light up in a way I’ve never seen in you before, when you talk about him, Siri. Don’t just throw that away because it’s the easy thing to do,” Bellatrix interrupted, her steely gray eyes focused on his.  
  
Sirius nodded, considering her words. “You’re right,” he agreed. “I... I need him, you know?”  
  
Bella nodded her head. “Of course I do... I know how it is, trying to deal with all of _this_ ,” she noted, gesturing towards her head. “It’s hard... being crazy. Trying to be a person. Have a relationship. I know.  
  
“I need to apologize,” Sirius mumbled, rising to his feet.  
  
Bellatrix bit her lower lip, alarmed. “Are you sure you’re alright to-”  
  
“I’ve got to go, I need to see him. _Now_ ,” Sirius interrupted, gathering his coat and quickly pulling it on.  
  
“Sirius, wait. Maybe we should-”  
  
“I have to talk to him, Bella. I have to apologize before he leaves me!” Sirius cried out, frantic. “I-I can’t lose him. I need him. I have to fix this!”

* * *

“Thanks for coming over,” Remus said quietly over a steaming mug of tea, offering the redhead across from him a grateful smile.   
  
“Sure thing,” Jack replied, taking a sip of his own tea. “So you’re taking Poetry II this semester, right?”  
  
Remus nodded, appreciative of the effort Jack was making to distract him. “Yeah. It’s a pain in the arse. I _hate_ poetry.”  
  
“At least you didn’t take Irish literature and culture. I think I’ve discussed James Joyce more than I’d care to for the rest of my life,” Jack laughed, offering Remus a sunny smile.  
  
“I believe it. Though Shakespeare is no bargain. We’ve spent the past two weeks deconstructing _one_ soliloquy from King Lear. If we don’t move on by next lecture, I’m tempted to start skipping that class,” Remus laughed, taking a sip of his tea.  
  
He’d spent the night before lying in bed crying, his altercation with Sirius playing in his head on an endless loop. In a fit of desperation, he’d called Jack at ten in the morning, under the guise of asking about an assignment for their creative writing class. Jack, recognizing the unsteady tone of Remus’ voice, had asked if he’d like company, offering to stop by to talk.  
  
Initially, he’d tried prying as to why Remus was so upset, with tear stains on his cheeks. However, after several minutes of uncomfortable silence, Jack had aptly realized that what Remus needed more than anything was a distraction from whatever was bothering him.  
  
“So what are you going to take next term?” Jack asked, eyeing Remus curiously. “We should try and enroll in a few of the same courses. It’ll be fun to have someone to brainstorm ideas for papers with.”  
  
“Absolutely,” Remus agreed, nodding eagerly. He smiled, feeling relaxed for the first time since the evening before. “I’ve been thinking about taking a play-writing course.”  
  
As Jack opened his mouth to reply, Remus heard his front door creaking open. He tensed, it only just dawning on him that he’d given _him_ a spare key to his flat.  
  
“Remus,” a familiar voice rang out.  
  
Remus gripped his mug tighter, unable to pull his gaze from Jack, who appeared startled. “Who-”

* * *

“Rem,” Sirius called out, swinging the kitchen door open. He froze, standing in the doorway, observing the pair at the kitchen table. “What the fuck,” he muttered, rage welling in his chest. Sirius took a deep breath, his mind racing as he struggled to comprehend the scene before him. _What is he... Why..._ Sirius frowned, gritting his teeth. He exhaled slowly, shrugging his shoulders. _Fuck it. Leave him before he leaves you._  
  
“Sirius-”  
  
“Fuck you, Rem,” Sirius shouted, striding across the kitchen.  
  
Remus rose to his feet, eyeing Sirius cautiously as the darker hair boy screamed expletives at him, his words barely comprehensible. He smelled liquor on his breath but said nothing, knowing better than to argue when Sirius was in a rage.  
  
“Fuck you,” Sirius screamed, tears welling in his eyes. “So, what the fuck is this? Are you fucking _him_?” he screeched, gesturing toward Jack.   
  
“Sirius, he’s my _friend_. You know that!” Remus snapped.  
  
“Like I believe that,” Sirius spat, glaring hatefully at Remus.  
  
Jack approached him, attempting to intervene. “Come on, man. Calm down,” he started, placing a hand on Sirius’ shoulder.  
  
With more grace than Remus thought Sirius was capable of while drunk, Sirius turned to face the redhead, knocking Jack out cold with a single swing of his right fist.   
  
Breathing heavily, Sirius turned his attention back to Remus, ignoring the red stain that had begun to bloom across the bandage on his right hand. “How long has this been going on?” he sneered, lips curled in anger, baring sharp canine teeth.  
  
“Sirius, what the fuck? You’re drunk, you’re not making any sense, you-”  
  
“I should have known from the start that you were seeing him,” Sirius snapped, interrupting him.  
  
“Sirius, I,” Remus started, making to reach out to touch Sirius’ arm, in an effort to calm him.  
  
“You’re a filthy whore and I hate you. I’m fucking done,” Sirius shouted, tears trickling down his cheeks as he shoved Remus away from him.  
  
Remus stumbled back, taken off guard. Hot tears prickled his eyes as he backed away from Sirius, desperate to put as much distance between them as possible.  
  
“How could you fucking do this to me?” Sirius cried, eyeing Remus hatefully.  
  
Remus shrank away, body trembling. _He really must have changed. Sirius would never lay a hand on me. Ever_. “Get out, Sirius!” he screamed, vision blurry with tears. “Get the fuck out of my life!”  
  
Sirius stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him. Sniffling back tears, Remus grabbed his phone from off the kitchen counter, hurriedly dialing Lily’s number.   
  
The phone rang twice before a familiar voice called out a greeting. “L-lily,” Remus stuttered, tears still streaming violently down his cheeks.  
  
“Remus, what’s wrong?”  
  
“I can’t- I can’t deal with this. Sirius showed up here, drunk. I... I think we broke up, I don’t know...”  
  
“What do you mean, you don’t know? What happened, where is he? Are you okay?”  
  
Remus shook his head, legs shaking as he lowered his body to the ground, curling his legs up to his chest, resting the phone between his ear and his shoulder. “I... Jack was here, trying to cheer me up. Sirius accusing me of cheating... He knocked Jack out. He... He _shoved_ me, Lily.... He’s, he’s never laid a hand on me, before. It’s like I don’t even know who he is, anymore. I can’t... I can’t deal with this.”  
  
“Are you hurt? Jesus fucking Christ, Remus. Where the fuck is he?”  
  
“I don’t know... I’m fine... I... I need to check on Jack. He hit his head pretty hard on the linoleum. I... I told Sirius to get out. He left... I don’t... I don’t know where he went,” Remus sobbed, a fresh wave of tears flowing freely down his cheeks.  
  
“I’m so sorry, Rem,” Lily said softly, her voice cracking with emotion. “I’ll... I’ll be over as soon as I can, okay. Let me know how Jack is... I... I I’m so sorry, Rem. I can’t believe he... are you sure you’re okay?”  
  
“I don’t know,” Remus replied numbly, squeezing his eyes shut. “I loved him, Lils. I loved him and it hurts so _bad_.”  
  
“I know, Rem. I know. I’ll be there soon, I promise. I love you.”  
  
“Mhm,” Remus choked out, a sob escaping his lips. “Do you think he... oh Christ, do you think he’s okay?”  
  
“FUCK HIM, Remus. I hope he goes and gets himself killed driving around drunk like the piece of shit he is,” Lily retorted venomously.   
  
“Lily,” Remus protested, sniffling.   
  
“Don’t think about him, Rem. You deserve so much more. He’s not... he’s sick, but that’s no excuse to lay your hands on someone. _Ever_. Listen, I’ve got to go. I’ll be there soon, okay?”


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been wayyyyy too long. Sorry. I'm the worst.

Wordlessly, Sirius trudged up the stairs to his bedroom, frantic energy coursing through his veins. _I need to come down. I must have some xanax lying around somewhere._  
  
Sirius paused as he found himself face to face with a furious-looking Lily Evans. “Lils-”  
  
“What the _fuck_ is wrong with you?” she hissed, seething with rage.  
  
“What are you talking about?” Sirius asked, heart beating faster. _I need to come down, go away Lily, I need a fucking xanax, Jesus..._  
  
“Are you high?” Lily asked, incredulously. “Is that what this is, Sirius? You’re all coked up again and completely out of control?”  
  
“Bugger off, Lils,” Sirius hissed, attempting to shove past her and continue up the stairs.  
  
“Fuck you,” she spat, shoving him back.  
  
“Lily,” he said warningly, his eyes narrowing to slits as blind rage welled in his chest.  
  
“You’re a right bastard, you know that, _Black_?”  
  
Sirius froze, taken aback by her use of his last name.  
  
“You’re just like the rest of your lot, aren’t you?” she taunted, green eyes shining with rage. “No good.”  
  
Sirius glared, venomous rage flickering in his gray eyes. _Oh, so I’m just another Black? Fuck it. I’ll show you just how much of a Black I can be._  
  
Sirius took a menacing step forward, forcing Lily to take a step back. He stared angrily at her, taking the stairs one at a time, forcing her to continue to step backward. At last, they reached the second floor. Sirius rushed forward, pinning Lily between himself and the wall. “This was _not_ my fault,” he hissed, spittle forming in the corners of his mouth as he stared down at her, his arms barring Lily from both sides, denying her an opportunity to escape. “This is Remus’ fault. He made me do it... He’s supposed to be my boyfriend, Lily. That ginger arsehole _had_ to be put in his place,” he continued, swaying slightly. Lily stared back at him, face flushing with anger. “You better apologize to him. Get down on your fucking knees and _beg_ for Remus’ forgiveness or I swear to fucking god, Black, you are out of this house.”  
  
“I live here. You don’t _get_ a say on whether or not I stay,” Sirius snapped, lips curling into a sneer. “It was _his_ fault.”  
  
“Fuck you, Black! Fucking _arsehole_. What do you-what do you even think you’re doing? Are you going to keep me hostage here until I tell you that what you did was _okay_? Because it’s not, Sirius. It’s fucking not! You’re a right piece of shit for what you did to Remus _and_ Jack. He’s his _friend_. A better friend than you are, it seems!”  
  
“Shut the fuck up,” Sirius hissed, slamming his fist against the wall, inches from her head.  
  
“What are you going to do, Black? Are you going to hit me, too? Go ahead. Go ahead and hit me, you fucking coward-”  
  
“Lily,” Sirius growled warningly.  
  
“You don’t deserve him. Never have, never _will_. Remus deserves better than a rich boy _junkie_ \- owww” she howled, a hand reflexively covering her cheek, where she’d been slapped.  
  
“Shut the fuck up,” Sirius hissed, hand still raised.  
  
Sirius froze as he felt warm spittle trickle down his cheek. _The whore spit on me._  
  
“You better run to your room and pack a bag, _Black_. James will _never_ forgive you for what you just did. You disgusting piece of shit.”  
  
Sirius slammed his bedroom door shut, thoughts racing as he paced the room. _I need to get out of here. Now_. “Go away,” he screamed, voice hoarse, as Lily pounded on his bedroom door, screaming.  
  
“You are _out_ of this house, Sirius Black!” Lily screeched, fists pounding against the door.  
  
Instinctively, Sirius grabbed his duffel bag from the closet, haphazardly shoving the nearest clothing possible into it. As he shoved his laptop into the bag, he was interrupted by the sharp bang of the door swinging open.  
  
James strode across the room, gripping Sirius by his shoulders, lifting him up off the ground. “You fucking _slapped_ my girlfriend. You’re bloody out of your mind!” he shouted, eyeing him with a mixture of fury and disgust/  
  
“James,” Sirius started, pulling away from James’ grip.  
  
“You’re out of here, Sirius, _out_!”  
  
“Your filthy whore spat on me,” he argued, crumbling into a heap as James let go of him.  
  
“What did you just call her?” James asked, face void of any expression.  
  
Sirius rose to his feet, grabbing his duffel bag. “Whatever, I’m leaving,” he mumbled, brushing past James.  
  
As he made towards the door, he felt the painfully tight grip of Jame’s hand around his bicep, pulling him back. Sirius winced as he felt James’ fist colliding with his face, hitting him squarely in the right eye.  
  
“I hate you. I hate both of you,” Sirius muttered, pulling out of James’ grasp.   
  
He stormed down the stairs, ignoring Lily’s shrill insults hurled his direction as he made a beeline for the door. He slammed the front door behind him, pausing for a moment to fully take in what had just transpired. _What the fuck am I going to do?_  
  
Sirius trembled, breathing through his nose as he forced back tears. “Now I really have no one,” he sniffled, glancing mournfully back at the house.  
  
Sighing, he dragged his bag to his car, throwing it into the passenger seat. Once safely seated in his car and pulling out of the Potters’ driveway, Sirius allowed the tears to flow.

* * *

Bellatrix opened her door to find Sirius swaying in her doorway, duffel bag in hand, looking worse for wear. “What happened?” she asked, forgetting all pleasantries as she led him inside.  
  
“Could I maybe stay with you for a while?” he asked, slumping down into the nearest chair, his bag thumping to the floor at his feet.  
  
“Yeah, of course. I have a spare bedroom.... Is everything alright?” she pressed, eyeing him critically.  
  
She frowned, eyes targeting in on the forming bruise under his right eye. “Why do you have a black eye, Sirius?”  
  
Sirius shrugged, covering his face with his hands. “I’unno. Can-can I have a drink, Bella?” he asked, his words thick as he slurred, struggling to construct a sentence.  
  
Bella frowned, considering. _He sounds like he’s already had enough to drink. But still... He won’t talk if he doesn’t get what he wants. God, he really is a true Black..._  
  
Silently, she stalked across the room to the liquor cabinet, struggling to keep her hands steady as she poured two healthy measures of whiskey into rocks glasses. “Here,” she offered, pressing a glass into his hands.  
  
“Thanks,” he mumbled, sipping slowly.  
  
Bella nodded approvingly, taking a seat opposite him in a large armchair. “Do you want to talk about it?” she started, sipping her drink.  
  
“I fucked up,” he offered, lips quivering as he brought his glass to his lips, once more.  
  
“Who hit you, Siri?”  
  
“James.”  
  
“What?” Bella hissed, eyes narrowing to slits. _I should kill him, the fucking arsehole-_  
  
“I slapped Lily. His girl. She... I don’t even know what I was doing. I wasn’t thinking. I was angry and she was... She was taunting me and I reacted. I don’t know. I’m horrible. Awful. She’s right. I’m disgusting,” Sirius mumbled, staring disgustedly down at his trembling hands. “I don’t deserve Remus. I don’t deserve anyone.”  
  
“Siri,” Bella said softly, rising to her feet. She wrapped her arms around him, pulling him tightly to her chest. “You have a mental illness. You can’t... Sometimes you do bad things, but... But that doesn’t make you a bad person. You’re... You’re having a hard time right now, and they should... James is your best mate. He’ll cool down and forgive you.”  
  
“He won’t though,” Sirius sobbed, pulling away from Bella’s embrace. “He told me to leave... He-he kicked me out.”  
  
Bella observed him for a moment, unsure of what to say. “Don’t think about it right now. You’re staying with me and that’s all that matters. You’re here and you’re safe. Okay?”  
  
Sirius nodded, staring down at his feet.  
  
“You look a mess, Sirius. Why don’t I run a bath for you?”  
  
Sirius nodded, still staring down at his feet. “Thanks.”

* * *

Sirius woke in a cold sweat, fitfully tearing the blanket covering him off of his warm torso. After his bath, Bellatrix had given him two xanax bars before tucking him into bed in her spare bedroom. He’d fallen into a light, troubled sleep, plagued by the day’s events playing on an endless loop. He squinted at the flickering clock on the desk, his eyes still adjusting to the dark. 1:00am. Sirius sighed, throwing his head back against the pillow. _There’s no way I’ll be falling asleep again, tonight._ Wiping sweat from his brow, he curled up on his side, hugging his knees to his chest. _I can’t believe I lost them, all of them, in one final sweep. God fucking damn it, what is wrong with me?_  
  
Sirius dragged himself out of bed, unable to bear lying in silence for a moment longer. He wandered out into the living room, where he settled himself on the couch. He turned on the television set, mindlessly channel surfing, as his thoughts raced. _You’re so useless. Such a failure. So crazy. Why don’t you just do everyone a favor and kill yourself? It’s not like anyone would even care..._ Sirius froze, gripping the remote control tightly. “I need it stop, I just... I want everything to stop,” he muttered to himself, listlessly rising to his feet.   
  
Trace-like, he grabbed a bottle of whiskey from the liquor cabinet, clutching it tightly with his right hand. He wandered into the bathroom, locking the door behind him. Furiously, he dug through the medicine cabinet, desperate to find something, _anything_ that would make his thoughts stop racing. _Come on Bella, you must have something..._  
  
With shaking hands, he removed vials of pills from the cabinets, barely registering what the labels read as he lined them up along the bathroom counter. Hands still shaking, he struggled to open the vials, dumping handfuls of pills into his palm. _Valium_ , he noted dully, swallowing down a dozen pills with a swig of whiskey. He winced as the liquor burned his throat, but continued with the task at hand, reaching for the next bottle of pills. _Zyprexa_. He swallowed half a dozen down, chasing them with whiskey. He reached for the next bottle, _Klonopin_. Vision doubled, he dumped the entire vial into his mouth, swallowing the twenty-something pills with another swig of whiskey. He reached for the next bottle, not bothering to read what it was. _Swallow. Chase with whiskey._ Eyelids drooping, Sirius staggered out of the bathroom, whiskey bottle in hand, back towards the living room. As he entered the room, Sirius’ vision blurred. He fell to the floor with a dull thud, the whiskey bottle still clutched in his hand.

* * *

Bellatrix woke with a start, staring wildly around the darkened room. _What time is it?_ She glanced at the clock on her dresser, which blinked the time in large red numbers. _5AM._ She frowned, acutely aware that the television was on in the living room. “Siri must be awake,” she muttered to herself, carefully getting out of bed, so as not to wake Rod.  
  
She pulled on a robe, gently shutting the door behind her. “Hey, Siri,” she whispered, padding into the living room. “What are you-” she froze, gray eyes widening in horror as her mind struggled to process the sight before her; Sirius, lying face-first on the floor, whiskey bottle in hand. “Fuck,” she whispered, fear coursing through her veins. “Fuck, fuck, _fuck_.”  
  
She dropped to her knees beside him, gently rolling Sirius onto his side. He mumbled slightly, a trail of vomit trickling down his chin. _He fucking OD’d on something. Fuck._ “ROD!” she cried out, her shrill voice echoing in the relatively silent apartment. “ROD, COME HERE! NOW!”  
  
“Bella, what’s going on?” Rod asked, rubbing sleep from his eyes as he staggered out into the living room.  
  
“He’s fucking OD’ing on something,” she elaborated, gesturing towards Sirius. “Do something!”  
  
Rod nodded, concern etched on his face. “I’ll get the charcoal,” he offered, swiftly turning back towards the bedroom.  
  
Bella nodded, scooping Sirius up closer to her, holding his head in her lap. “You’re going to be okay, Siri. I promise,” she told him, smoothing down his dark raven locks.  
  
Bella listened as she heard Rod rushing from the bedroom to the kitchen, anxiously waiting for him to prepare the activated charcoal. At last, he returned to her side, a small glass in hand.   
  
“Give me that,” she snapped, pulling the glass from out of his hand.  
  
“Are you sure you’ll be able to get him to drink it? He’s unconscious, Bella,” Rod noted, frowning.   
  
“No, he’ll be fine. Trust me. I used to do this every weekend. Help me prop him up so I can pour it down his throat. He’s not totally out, he’s just very groggy. See? His eyelids are fluttering open every few minutes,” Bella instructed.  
  
Carefully, Rodolphus propped Sirius up, allowing Bella to force the thick liquid down Sirius’ throat. “Come on honey, you’re almost done,” she cooed, stroking his hair, “just drink the rest for me, okay?”  
  
Once certain that’d he’d finished the entirety, the pair rushed him into the bathroom, waiting for the inevitable. Sirius’ eyes fluttered open in a panic as he struggled to lean forward over the toilet, a spray of chalky black vomit erupting from his lips.  
  
“Good boy,” Bella whispered, holding his hair back as he retched into the toilet. “Get it all up, Siri. Good. You’ll feel so much better as soon as you get it all up.”  
  
Sirius gagged on the seemingly endless stream of vomit, nearly collapsing several times from the effort. Bella and Rod held a steadying hand on either shoulder, keeping him upright. “Good job, honey,” Bella praised him, kissing him lightly on the forehead as he collapsed into her arms. “You did so good.”  
  
Sirius stared weakly up at her as she wiped his mouth with a washcloth, her vision blurry with tears. “Oh Sirius,” she sobbed, pulling him closer to her. “You really scared me.”


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been literally too long. I know. I know. I'm the worst. Sorry.

Bellatrix paced the kitchen nervously, coffee mug in hand. Rod had left for work nearly two hours before, and she, too anxious to do anything else, had wandered aimlessly around the flat, unable to sit still. Though she had wanted to cancel her plans and drop everything to look after Sirius, Rod had insisted that she attend her weekly therapy session, as usual. Refusing to leave Sirius to wake to an empty apartment, she had called one of her oldest friends, Evelyn Greengrass, to come round and keep an eye on him while she was out. She had called Evelyn nearly four hours ago, and, true to form, her dear friend appeared to be running fashionably late. At last she heard the familiar sound of knocking on her front door. Bella rushed to the door, leaving her lukewarm coffee abandoned on the kitchen counter. She swung the door open, breathing a sigh of relief at the sight of her dear friend. “Thank you so much for coming,” Bellatrix gushed, ushering the blonde into the room.  
  
“So how is he?” Evelyn asked, motioning for Bella to come and sit with her on one of the couches.  
  
“He’s been passed out since he vomited everything up from the charcoal... I haven’t even had a chance to talk to him about what happened, why he did it,” Bella noted, brows furrowed.  
  
“It’s probably for the best,” Evelyn noted, examining her nails. “He needs to sleep it off. There will be plenty of time to harp on what happened, later. You certainly were never too keen on talking about what happened immediately after. I’m sure he’s the same way.”  
  
“Maybe I should just stay home,” Bella mumbled, folding her arms against her chest.  
  
“No,” Evelyn said firmly, shaking her head. “You’ve got an appointment. And you said you wanted to go to the gym before. It’s been weeks since you’ve gone, I’m sure you could use the endorphin boost or... whatever it is that you get from your exercise regime,” Evelyn continued, wrinkling her nose.  
  
“It’s good for you, you know. Working out. You should try it some time,” Bella teased, shooting the lithe blonde a smug look.  
  
“I’ll pass,” Evelyn retorted dryly, rolling her eyes.   
  
“Oh come on, you wouldn’t fancy a nice jog about town with me? I’ve got a spare pair of trainers...”  
  
“As if I would ever be caught dead wearing trainers in public,” Evelyn sighed, rolling her eyes.  
  
Bella snorted, the corners of her mouth turned upward into a faint smile.  
  
“Honesty, Bella. The very idea is absurd,” Evelyn continued, smoothing down her white-blonde hair.  
  
Bella laughed, shaking her head. “You know, I don’t think I’ve even seen you in a pair of trainers since P.E. back in school.”  
  
“That’s because I haven’t _owned_ a pair of trainers since then, my dear.”  
  
Bellatrix rose to her feet, once again struck with a feeling of restlessness. She paced the length of her living room, twirling the ends of her raven locks around her fingers. “I can’t leave him on his own. He could have died... I have to cancel my appointment.”  
  
“Honestly, Bella, you’re being ridiculous,” Evelyn retorted, rolling her eyes.  
  
Bella paused, defiantly placing her hands on her hips as she stared down the blonde before her. “You’ve never even met my cousin, before. He’s had a rough go of things... I don’t want him to wake up to some stranger watching over him.”  
  
“Bella, how long have I known you?” Evelyn asked, rising to her feet and striding toward the brunette.  
  
“A long time,” Bella admitted, resting her head on Evelyn’s shoulder as the blonde pulled her into an embrace.  
  
“And how many times have I taken care of you after a similar incident?”  
  
“Too many,” Bella mumbled, embarrassed.  
  
“So quit your worrying. I’ve got this.”  
  
“Okay,” Bella agreed, sighing. “But if anything happens, I expect you to call me _immediately_.”  
  
“Of course. Now go. If you stall any longer, you won’t have time for the gym.”

* * *

Sirius woke to sunlight streaming through the carefully drawn curtains of Bellatrix’s guest room, the brightness overwhelming as he regained consciousness.   
  
“Fuck,” Sirius groaned, rubbing his face vigorously.   
  
He glanced around the room, struggling to recall the events of the prior night. _What happened?_ He remembered fighting with Remus and returning home, only to be sent packing by James and Lily. He remembered arriving at Bella’s doorstep, but everything else was hazy after that. _How long have I even been asleep?_  
  
He squeezed his eyes shut, willing the aching pain of his head to stop throbbing.   
  
“Oh good, you’re awake.”  
  
Sirius glanced up, startled by the sound of an unfamiliar voice.  
  
To Sirius’ surprise, he found the owner of the voice to be a female who most certainly wasn’t Bellatrix Black. Observing him from the doorway stood a willowy young woman with icy blue eyes and poker straight white-blonde hair, falling past her shoulders. Sirius watched as she strode toward him, the room silent save for the click-clack of her stiletto heels against the wooden floor.  
  
He stared at her for a moment, taken aback by the radiance she gave off; though Sirius had determined that he generally preferred men, there was no doubt that this woman was attractive. Her simple black silk wrap dress hugged her trim but shapely form perfectly.   
  
“Here, drink this,” the blonde instructed, thrusting what appeared to be a glass of fizzing water in his face.  
  
“What is this?” he asked, eyeing the glass suspiciously.  
  
“Alka-seltzer. I imagine you’ve got quite the headache. It’ll help. Drink up, please,” she continued, nodding affirmatively.  
  
Sirius obeyed, too exhausted to ask further questions. He drank quickly, barely registering the taste as the cool liquid soothed his sore throat.  
  
“You’ve certainly made quite a mess of things, haven’t you, Sirius?” the woman continued, lowering herself into the chair set beside the bed.  
  
Sirius shrugged, unsure of how to respond. He glanced at the handbag sitting beside the unknown woman; a black crocodile skin Hermes Birkin bag. The very bag that he’d listened to Bella bitch about there being a six month long waiting list for at Harrods.   
  
“Where is your medication?” the blonde asked, tapping her perfectly manicured fingernails on the seat of her chair.  
  
“I don’t take meds,” Sirius retorted, raising an eyebrow. “Why would you even ask that?”  
  
The blonde shot him a disbelieving look, shaking her head. “God, you really are just like Bella. You’re Sirius Black. You overdosed on a cocktail of the contents of Bella’s medicine cabinet last night. Of course you’re prescribed medication.”  
  
Sirius stared as she rose to her feet, making a beeline for his duffel bag, abandoned what felt like decades ago in front of the closet. “Now come on, out with it. What are you on? How many milligrams of lithium do you take a day? And where _is_ your lithium? You seem to have nothing but xanax in here,” she prattled on, rummaging through his belongings.  
  
“I overdosed?”  
  
“Yes, you overdosed,” Evelyn affirmed dismissively, continuing to dig through his bag. “Now where are your meds?”  
  
“I stopped taking my meds.”  
  
“Well, that was a stupid thing to do, wasn’t it?” the blonde retorted, rolling her eyes. She sighed, wiping imaginary dust from her hands as she rose to her feet. “Well, never mind, then. No worries, we’ll get you sorted out, soon enough, won’t we?”  
  
Sirius stared blankly, struggling to process what the blonde woman was yammering on about. “I’m sorry, but who are you, anyway?”  
  
The blonde smiled sweetly, placing her right hand on her hip. “I’m Evelyn Greengrass.”

* * *

Bellatrix exited the sports club she was a member of, beads of sweat trickling from her hairline. Once a safe distance from the entrance, she lit a cigarette, holding the filter between her teeth as she tied her unruly hair into a messy bun atop her head. Satisfied that her hair was out of her way, she dug through her bag for her phone, quickly dialing Evelyn’s number. “How is he? Is he okay?” she asked as soon as the the call was answered, not bothering with a ‘hello’.  
  
Bella rolled her eyes as she heard her dear friend scoff on the line. “You sound... sweaty,” Evelyn noted, disgust apparent in her tone.  
  
“One does tend to sweat when exercising, Evelyn,” Bella retorted, taking a drag of her cigarette.   
  
“Please Bella... kindly take a shower before you leave the gym... gym clothes are _not_ acceptable to wear in public and I won’t stand for it.”  
  
Bella rolled her eyes, flicking ash onto the concrete. “I swear to god, that cannot be your primary concern at the moment.”  
  
“Actually it is. Mostly because there is nothing to be concerned about with Sirius, he’s fine. But _also_ because I _know_ that you are definitely all sweaty right now, and I know that you pride yourself on your designer trainers and shit but that doesn’t mean they’re not... y’know.. trainers...”   
  
“Evelyn...” Bella retorted, warningly.  
  
“I don’t care how chic the Stella McCartney for Adidas line is, Bella, it’s still sportswear. For god sake, you’re a _Black_. Take a little pride in your appearance.”  
  
“You’re such a cunt.”  
  
“Love you too, Bella.”  
  
“So he’s alright, then? Has he woken at all?”  
  
“Yes, he’s fine, Bella. Go to your appointment, I’m perfectly capable of taking care of the ickle Black boy.”  
  
“Alright, fine. I’ll see you in an hour, alright?”  
  
“Of course, love. Mwah mwah.”  
  
Bella clicked end, tossing her phone back in her bag. “On to therapy, then...” she muttered, making her way towards the parking lot.

* * *

“I made tea,” Evelyn announced, entering Sirius’ room with a tea set and a plate of biscuits.   
  
Sirius stared mutely at her, offering no response to her presence.   
  
Evelyn offered him a small smile, setting the tea set down at the foot of the bed. _He looks so much like Bella... It’s almost eerie, how alike they are._  
  
“Do you take yours with sugar and cream?” she asked, eyeing him expectantly.  
  
“I’m alright, thanks,” Sirius muttered, sinking lower into bed.  
  
“Nonsense,” Evelyn replied, pouring two cups of tea. “You’ll feel better once you’ve had a cuppa. I bet you take yours with two sugars, no cream, just like Bella,” she mused, raising her cup to her lips and taking a delicate sip.  
  
Sirius nodded sheepishly, sitting up a bit more. “I suppose a cuppa _would_ be nice,” he admitted, accepting his cup and eagerly taking a sip.  
  
“That’s a good boy,” Evelyn chirped, resuming her place beside Sirius’ bedside. “So,” she continued, pausing to take a sip of her tea, “Why don’t you tell me what happened?”  
  
“What do you mean?”  
  
Evelyn shot him a disbelieving look. “Did you do it on purpose?” she prompted.  
  
Sirius paled, staring wide-eyed at the blonde.  
  
“Oh come on, let’s not dance around the issue. I’ve taken care of Bella after more overdoses than I can remember, it’s nothing new to me.”  
  
“I don’t remember.”  
  
Evelyn shrugged, right eyebrow raised. “I suppose that’s true... You did finish off her Klonopin. I wouldn’t be surprised if you’ve no recollection of last night.”  
  
The two sat in silence for several minutes, Evelyn watching Sirius intently.  
  
“I was just... Having a bad day. I wanted everything to go away for a while,” Sirius said finally, tugging at a loose thread in the comforter.   
  
“Understandable,” Evelyn noted, taking a sip of tea. “What was so terrible about yesterday?”  
  
Sirius muttered something incomprehensible, staring down at his lap.  
  
“What was that?”  
  
“I don’t want to talk about it.”  
  
“Regardless of what you want, it’s one of those things that you _need_ to talk about, Sirius.”  
  
“Why?”  
  
“Because people generally don’t decide to ingest the contents of their cousin’s medicine cabinet in the middle of the night,” Evelyn replied evenly, placing her empty tea cup on the floor beside her.  
  
“I broke up with my boyfriend. Or he broke up with me, I don’t even know. My best mate kicked me out of his house. Everyone hates me,” Sirius noted, running his fingers through his tangled locks.  
  
“Everyone doesn’t hate you, Sirius,” Evelyn replied gently, taking a seat beside him on the edge of the bed.  
  
“Bella was worried sick over you. She loves you to pieces, Sirius.”  
  
Sirius shrugged. “She’s family.”  
  
Evelyn cocked an eyebrow, nonplussed by his dismissive tone. “You of all people should know that being family has very little to do with _love_ , Sirius.”  
  
Sirius shrugged, staring down into his tea.  
  
“Where is Bella, anyway?” he asked, after several minutes of silence.  
  
“She had therapy. She should be home, soon.”  
  
“She asked you to come watch me, I suppose?”  
  
“She didn’t want you to wake up to an empty flat.”  
  
“It would have been fine,” Sirius grumbled, folding his arms against his chest.  
  
“She found you face down on her living room floor with vomit dribbled down your chin... I think she had every right to be afraid to leave you alone, Sirius.”  
  
“So I OD’D?”  
  
“Yeah... She and Rod had to give you activated charcoal. You’ll probably still be a little groggy and out of it for a few days, but I daresay it was a necessary precaution.”  
  
“Why does Bella keep activated charcoal in her flat, anyway?” “I wasn’t being polite when I said I’d taken care of Bella after her overdosing plenty of times. She used to do this every weekend. Therefore, it’s always on hand. Better to be safe than sorry when you’re dealing with a rapid cycling bipolar individual who can be unpredictable in fits of mania and depression.”  
  
“Oh.”  
  
“So how long have you been off your medication?” Evelyn asked, changing the subject.  
  
Sirius sighed, shaking his head. “I don’t want to talk about that.”  
  
“Well, do you want to-”  
  
“I’m tired,” Sirius interrupted, a yawn escaping his lips. “I’m just... I’m so tired. I want to sleep.”  
  
Evelyn nodded, offering him a sympathetic smile. “Of course... Go ahead and get some rest. Nothing will help more than sleeping this all off.”


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm the worst. Things have been hard, lately. I'm trying my best to update more regularly, but we'll see how that goes. Hopefully this doesn't suck.

“Remus.”  
  
Remus stared down at his kitchen table, wringing his hands nervously in his lap, barely aware of Lily’s presence.  
  
“ _Rem_.”  
  
He sighed, turning his head to find Lily standing in the doorway between the kitchen and living room, a concerned look etched on her face.  
  
“How is he?” Remus asked lowly, nodding towards the living room.  
  
Upon Lily’s arrival, the two had set the still unconscious Jack on the living room couch.  
  
“He woke up. He’s got a massive headache, but he should be fine,” Lily noted, taking a seat opposite him at the table.   
  
Remus nodded, sighing heavily. Wearily, he lowered his head down onto the table, eyes squeezed shut.  
  
“Are _you_ okay, Rem?”  
  
“No.”  
  
“You know you can do better than him, right?”  
  
Remus lifted his head up, taken aback by Lily’s words. “Lily, I-”  
  
“He’s not a good person, Rem. He’s out of his head. You don’t need someone who is going to complicate your life,” she interrupted, green eyes bright with rage.  
  
“He was drunk, Lils... He probably won’t even remember that he-”  
  
“He slapped me, Remus. He backed me up against a wall and slapped me because _he_ couldn’t deal with being told what a right piece of shit he’s being,” Lily snapped, cheeks flushed in anger.  
  
Remus bit his lower lip, unsure of how to respond. He shook his head, willing the wave of nausea that had hit him to pass.  
  
“I just... It’s like I don’t even know who he is, anymore...” he mumbled, breath hitched as he struggled to hold back tears.  
  
“I guess _none_ of us really knew him,” Lily noted, shaking her head.  
  
“There must be some sort of explanation, Lils. He’s... He’s...”  
  
“Remus John Lupin, don’t you dare make excuses for him,” Lily snapped, staring him down menacingly.  
  
“But-”  
  
“Yes, Sirius is mentally ill. However, his actions are reprehensible. Hitting someone is never okay. Laying your hands on the person you love... That’s disgusting. Mental illness isn’t an excuse for doing what he did. And I’ll be damned if I let you or anyone else allow him to hide behind that as an excuse.”  
  
Remus lowered his head into his hands, barely aware of the tears that had sprung forth.  
  
“Hey, shhh. It’s okay, Rem. Let it out. It’s okay to cry,” Lily whispered soothingly, gently rubbing circles on his back. “You’re okay. You’re okay.”  
  
“I love him, though. I-I feel so stupid. I know what he did was wrong but-but...” he trailed off, shaking as he choked back an audible sob.   
  
“It’s okay, Rem. It’s okay to still have feelings. But you need to know your worth. It’s not your responsibility to save him. Sirius is an adult. You don’t have to suffer at his hands just because he’s having a hard time, right now.”  
  
“It’s... It’s really over, I guess,” Remus whispered, lips quivering.  
  
“You’ll be okay, Rem. I promise,” Lily assured him, continuing to trace circles on his back.   
  
“I can’t believe he slapped you,” he murmured, shaking his head as he lightly touched the slight bruise on Lily’s cheek.   
  
“I can’t either,” Lily retorted, shaking her head sadly.  
  
“Do you think that he’s okay?”  
  
Lily froze, lips contorting into a disgusted grimace. “ _Fuck him_ , Remus. He’s an arsehole. I won’t condone his behavior. If this is how he chooses to conduct himself, then I want no part of it.”  
  
“But Lily...”  
  
“But nothing. He’s an addict, Remus. And borderline. He’s a master manipulator. Don’t you dare let him make you feel sorry for him when _he_ is the one to blame for all of this. He’s made his bed. Now let him lie in it.”

* * *

“How is he?” Bellatrix demanded, tossing her gym bag to the floor and slamming her front door behind her.  
  
“I see you ignored my request to change and shower,” Evelyn noted dryly, wrinkling her nose slightly.  
  
“Evie,” Bella warned, hands planted firmly on her hips.  
  
“He’s fine, Bella. He’s resting,” Evelyn retorted, rolling her eyes.  
  
Bella breathed a sigh of relief, half-collapsing into the nearest armchair.  
  
“How was your session?” Evelyn asked, rising from her seat and settling into a chair closer to the brunette.   
  
“Fine,” she muttered distractedly.   
  
“Bella,” Evie coaxed, reaching out and taking Bella’s right hand in hers.   
  
“I was distracted, of course. I’m a mess, Evie.”  
  
Evie squeezed her hand tightly, shooting her an amused look.  
  
Bella rolled her eyes, smirking. “Well, more of a mess than usual,” she amended, chuckling.  
  
“You’re worried about him,” Evelyn noted.  
  
“Of course I am,” Bella replied, gesturing her hands wildly. “My baby cousin OD’d in my fucking living room. How _should_ I be taking this?”  
  
Evelyn remained silent, rising to her feet and motioning for Bella to follow suit. “Come on, let me fix you a cuppa. You look like you could use it.”  
  
The pair wandered into the kitchen, Bellatrix lowering herself into a chair at the kitchen table while Evelyn busied herself with putting a kettle on.   
  
“Did he talk to you at all?”  
  
“A bit,” Evie replied, rummaging through the pantry for the tea bags.  
  
“He’s stopped taking his medication, you know.”  
  
Bella frowned. “Oh?”  
  
Evelyn nodded, grabbing the now-steaming kettle off of the stove and expertly preparing two mugs of tea.  
  
“Thanks,” Bella mumbled gratefully as Evelyn placed a scorching hot mug into her hands.  
  
“Of course,” Evelyn retorted, joining Bella at the table.   
  
“Do you think he did it on purpose?”   
  
“Yes,” Evelyn replied bluntly, taking a sip of tea.  
  
“What, why?” Bella demanded, staring at the blonde wide-eyed.  
  
“Just look at him and you’ll know why,” she replied simply, shrugging.  
  
“Care to elaborate?”   
  
“Christ, Bella. Do I really have to spell it out?” Evelyn retorted testily, slamming her mug down harder than necessary.  
  
“Apparently you do,” Bella replied icily. “I’m not a bloody mind reader, _Evelyn_.”  
  
“He’s got your eyes, Bella. All I have to do is look at him and I can see _you_. See you at nineteen, scared and confused and coming down off of drugs. See you so desperate to escape the thoughts in your head that you’ll do anything, even if it kills you.”  
  
Bella bit her lip, unsure of how to respond. “I never wanted this for him, not for him, Evie...” she whispered, shaking her head.  
  
“I know, love. I know,” Evelyn said gently, carefully rising from her chair and wrapping her arms around Bella’s shoulders.   
  
“What am I supposed to do, Evie? I can’t even take care of myself... How am I supposed to fix him, too?” Bella choked, voice trembling with emotion.  
  
“All you can do is try your best... It’s not your job to fix him, Bella.”  
  
“You’re one to talk,” Bella whispered, shaking her head. “You made it your mission in life to try and fix me.”  
  
Evelyn smiled sadly, wiping tears from Bella’s cheeks with her right thumb. “What can I say? Love will make you do crazy things,” she said wistfully, tucking a long strand of blonde hair behind her ear.   
  
“I need your help,” Bella whispered, pulling the blonde into a tight embrace as tears continued to fall.   
  
“Shhh,” Evie whispered soothingly, gently patting Bella’s unruly raven curls as she continued to sob onto her shoulder.   
  
“I’m just... I’m afraid for him. I don’t... I don’t want for him to have to live through the things that I’ve seen and and and...” she broke off into another fit of sobs, tears staining the delicate fabric of Evelyn’s dress.  
  
“Shh, Bella. Shhh. It’s okay. Calm down... We’ll take care of him. I promise.”  
  
“Really?”  
  
“Come on, now, B. You know that I could never say no to you,” Evelyn smiled softly, blue eyes shining with warmth.   
  
“I’m sorry that I... It wasn’t that I didn’t... I always will.... I-I...” Bella trailed off, rubbing her eyes furiously.  
  
“I know... It’s okay, Bella. Really. The choices we make, and all that. I’m...” Evelyn paused, lips pursed as she considered her words.  
  
“I’m happy that you’re happy. Really, I am,” She said finally, her smile not quite matching the look in her eyes.  
  
“You’re too good to me,” Bella sighed, shaking her head.  
  
“Probably,” Evelyn agreed, smiling slightly. “Considering I let you probably ruin this dress with your tears. You know how badly silk stains.”  
  
“You’re too much,” Bella laughed.  
  
“You love it, really,” Evelyn retorted, rolling her eyes. “But we should really check on him, now. Try and get him to tell us what’s _really_ going on.”  
  
“Did he say anything at all to you?” Bella asked, rising gracefully from her seat.  
  
Evelyn nodded, running her fingers through her pale blonde hair carelessly. “He said that he and his boyfriend broke up-”  
  
“He broke up with him??” Bella interrupted, incredulous.  
  
“That’s what he said. He didn’t go into specifics, Bella. He just gave me the bare minimum and then refused to speak anymore on the topic. I decided it was best not to pry,” Evelyn noted, shrugging.  
  
“Did he mention his fight with James, his best mate?”  
  
“He said that his best mate kicked him out, but left it at that.”  
  
“He hit James’ girl. Slapped her, he said,” Bella noted, lips pressed firmly together.  
  
Evelyn sighed, shaking her head. “Poor kid. Come on... Let’s go see if he’s awake. Maybe he’ll actually talk to _you_.”

* * *

Sirius rubbed his face roughly, willing the pain in his head to stop. _You’ve really fucked it up this time, Sirius_. He sighed, firmly pressing his thumbs to his temples, in an effort to relieve the throbbing in his head.   
  
“Sirius,” Bellatrix called out as she carefully opened the door to the room, standing uncertainly in the doorway.  
  
Sirius nodded in response, eyeing his cousin and the blonde trailing her warily.   
  
“Can we come in?”  
  
Sirius nodded, nervously biting the inside of his right cheek. _They’re going to want to talk about this. They’re not going to let you just pretend this never happened. Especially not Bella. She’ll want an explanation_.  
  
Wordlessly, the pair filed into the room, settling themselves at the foot of Sirius’ bed. “How are you feeling?” Bella asked, offering him a soft smile.  
  
“Like hell,” Sirius retorted, frowning. “I feel like I got hit by a truck.”  
  
“You’re going to feel like utter rubbish for a few days, I’m afraid,” Bella noted sadly.  
  
“Great,” Sirius muttered, rubbing his eyes. “Ow, fuck,” he winced, taken aback by the pain radiating through his system as he touched the patch of skin beneath his right eye.  
  
“James really gave you a shiner, Siri,” Bellatrix noted, shaking her head.  
  
Sirius glanced in the mirror hanging opposite him; surely enough, his right eye was ringed with a sickening mixture of purple and yellowing bruises. _Fantastic_.  
  
Bella cleared her throat, obviously nervous. “So um... Siri... I have to ask... Did you... Did you do it on purpose?”  
  
Sirius stared blankly at the two girls, each eyeing him carefully.  
  
The three sat in silence for several minutes, Sirius folding his arms across his chest in defiance.  
  
“Sirius,” Evelyn said sharply, a single eyebrow raised in annoyance. “We can wait all day, but it would behoove you to save us all a lot of time and just answer the question. We aren’t going to have you sectioned if you tell us you tried to kill yourself. We just need to know so that we can try our best to help you.”  
  
“I just wanted out, okay?” Sirius barked, lips curled into a snarl.  
  
Evelyn and Sirius remained silent, waiting for him to continue.  
  
“I’ve fucked up everything in my life so why fucking bother, you know? I’m tired. I am _so fucking tired_. I don’t want to keep on keeping on. Everything is horrible so what’s the point? I was forced out of uni. I’m an embarrassment to my family. I’d be doing my parents a favor if I’d just say fuck all and kill myself. I lost Remus, I’ve lost James. I’m crazy. I’m always going to be _crazy_. What’s the point of anything?”  
  
“Sirius,” Bella whispered, pulling Sirius forward and enveloping him into a hug.  
  
“I just... I _need_ so much. And I know I could never, never return the favor to anyone. I’m such a failure. They would... all... be.. better off... without me,” he sobbed, tears falling freely now as Bella held him close, slender fingers rubbing his back soothingly.  
  
“I know things seem horrible right now, Sirius, but they do get better,” Evelyn offered softly, lips pressed into a sympathetic smile.  
  
“I don’t care. I’m done. I just want out,” Sirius retorted, choking on his tears as continued to sob loudly into Bella’s shoulder.  
  
“Shhh. Come on, baby, shhh. It’ll be okay. Go ahead and cry. I’ve got you, Siri... I’ve got you,” she soothed, shooting Evelyn a pointed look.  
  
“Your friends love you, Sirius. You know that,” she continued, rubbing his back. “Sure James is probably right cross with you at the moment, but he’ll come around. You’ve been best mates since you were both small.”  
  
Sirius shook his head, pulling out of Bella’s embrace. “I don’t know,” he said doubtfully. “I’ve never seen James so angry.”  
  
“Give him some time to cool off. He’ll forgive you. He knows you’ve been having a rough time, Sirius.”  
  
“I guess,” Sirius retorted, frowning.  
  
“Sirius-”  
  
“Just leave me alone, okay?” Sirius interrupted, frowning.   
  
“Sirius, we just want to talk-”  
  
“I don’t want to talk. I just want to go back to sleep. Please.”  
  
The two girls exchanged looks, sighing defeatedly.  
  
“Eventually you’re going to have to talk about this, Sirius,” Evelyn noted, lips pursed tightly together.  
  
“NO, I’m actually not. I’ve said all I have to say on the matter. My life fucking sucks and I want out. Period. There’s nothing else to say,” Sirius snapped, eyes burning with fury.  
  
Bella opened her mouth to speak but froze, eyes glistening with moisture.  
  
“Don’t, Bella,” Evelyn whispered soothingly, placing a gentle hand on the brunette’s shoulder. “He’s upset. Let him rest. He’ll talk more when he’s ready.”  
  
“Fat chance,” Sirius hissed, as the two exited the room, shutting the door behind them.  
  
Sirius sighed, sinking back into bed. “Some fucking life,” he muttered to himself, angry tears streaking his cheeks. _Next time I’ll make sure I take enough to end it for good. Fuck this. Fuck everything._


	21. Chapter 21

Bellatrix lit a cigarette, fingers curled tensely as she brought it to her lips, taking a deep drag. _Two weeks_. Two weeks had passed since the _incident_ (she cringed each time Evelyn or Rodolphus referred to it as “Sirius’ overdose.” Incident was a better word, safer.) Sirius had not left his room in two weeks, drifting in and out of consciousness, seemingly drained of energy. Bella had tried to speak with him on numerous occasions, but her attempts to ease him into opening up about what happened fell on deaf ears; when he actually was conscious, he sat stiffly in bed, eyes glazed over as he stared blankly at the wall. She’d attempted to get him to eat, to mixed results. For the most part, Sirius refused the meals Bella prepared for him, agreeable only to tea and the occasional slice of toast choked down begrudgingly at Bella’s insistence.   
  
“You should go for a run or something.”  
  
Bella glanced up, surprised. “Oh, you’re here.”  
  
“Don’t look so surprised, Bella. _Someone_ has to check up on you while you’re playing nursemaid, tending to the ickle young Sirius,” Evelyn teased, tossing her handbag onto the kitchen counter and helping herself to a cup of tea.  
  
“Rod called you, I presume?” Bella asked, taking another drag of her cigarette and sighing.  
  
“He said you haven’t been taking your medication,” Evelyn stated, taking a seat opposite Bella at the kitchen table, brows knitted in concern.  
  
“Don’t give me that look,” Bella hissed, angrily stubbing out her smoke.  
  
“You can’t take care of someone else if you’re not taking care of yourself, Bella,” Evelyn replied soothingly, placing a gentle hand over hers.  
  
“It’s hard to remember, sometimes,” she muttered, shrugging.  
  
“Did you download that app I told you about?”  
  
Bella rolled her eyes, reaching for her mug of tea and taking a long sip. “It’s stupid. I’m not a child, Evelyn.”  
  
“It’s not meant to be degrading or humiliating, Bella. It’s a modern way to keep track of when you’re supposed to take your medication,” Evelyn countered, her tone gentler than it had been when she’d first arrived.  
  
“How would you know?”  
  
“Because I actually took the time to read over and do some research on the resources they provided you with when you were discharged from... _There_... The last time,” Evelyn retorted, her upper lip curling slightly in anger.  
  
“You can go ahead and say it, Evie. Say where I was,” Bella challenged, gray eyes shimmering menacingly.  
  
“Bella, no, don’t do this-”  
  
“I was in the fucking _loony bin_ , Evie. A mental hospital because _I am crazy_!”  
  
“First of all,” Evelyn countered coolly, blue eyes narrowed, “you weren’t in a _loony bin_. You were in a psychiatric clinic in the Swiss Alps. A very _exclusive_ clinic, mind you.”  
  
She rose to her feet, the sharp _tap tap_ of her spiked heels clicking against the tiled floor as she paced the room, hands clenched into fists. “Second of all,” she continued, lips twisted into a scowl, “you aren’t _crazy_. Why do you insist on calling yourself that, you know that I hate it! You’re _not_ crazy! You have bipolar disorder. You have a mental illness. Being mentally ill does not make you _crazy_ , Bellatrix. Is that something he says to you, Bella? Is it? Just because _he_ is uncomfortable facing it, doesn’t mean that everyone finds you to be an utterly chaotic wreck of a woman. I-”  
  
“Don’t bring him into it,” Bella interrupted, lower lip quivering. “Rod is good to me. He loves me. You know that. He just...” she paused, considering her words. “He’s never seen me so... sick. Not like... Like ...”  
  
“Not like I have,” Evelyn finished, sighing heavily. She sat back down in her seat at the table, wearily reaching for her tea.   
  
“He would have come but he... He trusts you. _We_ trust you to know what’s best, to know how to handle me when I’m... not well.”  
  
“I know, love, I know. All I want is for you to be happy.”  
  
Bella smiled warmly, reaching forward, cupping Evelyn’s chin in her hand.  
  
Evelyn leaned into her touch, a weak smile forming across her lips. “Take a look at the app, please. I think you’ll find it helpful. You enter in how frequently you take each medication, and what the dosage is. You can even set timers to remind you when it’s time to take it. Please just take a look at it, B. For me.”  
  
Bella nodded, lips parted carefully as she considered what to say next. She shook her head, reaching forward and tucking a strand of blonde hair carefully behind Evelyn’s ear. “You’re too pretty,” she said finally, wrinkling her nose in faux disgust.  
  
Evelyn rolled her eyes, an amused grin on her face. “Don’t recall ever getting too many complaints about that,” she retorted, shrugging.

* * *

“Hello, Sirius.”  
  
Sirius blinked sleepily, groaning internally at the sight of his cousin’s blonde friend making herself comfortable at the foot of his bed. “Hi,” he offered, remaining prone on the bed, in the hopes of giving her a hint to bugger off and leave him alone.  
  
“How are you feeling?”  
  
_Silence._  
  
“It’s been nearly three weeks since you’ve holed up in here... Don’t you think it’s time you got out of bed?” Evelyn asked pointedly, examining her fingernails.  
  
Sirius shrugged, sliding himself into an upright position. He observed the blonde for a moment, waiting for her to speak.  
  
“Well?” she asked dryly, frowning.  
  
“I just can’t,” Sirius shrugged. “Everything is just too exhausting to even consider.”  
  
“You could at least come and join us in the sitting room; you’re starting to worry Bella,” Evelyn noted, nervously tugging at the delicate gold chain around her neck.  
  
Sirius stared blankly, shaking his head. It was far too exhausting to even _consider_ what an appropriate response would be. _Fuck it_. “I’m tired,” he muttered, sinking back down into bed and curling up on his side.  
  
“You need to snap yourself out of this depressive state, Sirius.”  
  
“You think I don’t know that? I’d do something about it if I _could_. But I can’t. How can I be expected to get out of bed and shower and walk around and pretend I’m fine when it’s a struggle just to _breathe_?”  
  
Evelyn pressed her lips together, brows furrowed in thought. “There must be something that could help. Surely you can think of something that might make you feel a bit better. Something you enjoy.”  
  
“What are you suggesting?” Sirius asked leerily, taking a moment to carefully eye her up and down. He bared his teeth slightly, considering. While he generally preferred men, Evelyn was a definite looker. “Do you want to take care of me, make me forget all about it?” he asked cheekily, feeling far more spirited than he had in weeks.  
  
Evelyn wrinkled her nose, taken aback by Sirius’ brash suggestion.   
  
“Your loss,” Sirius muttered, pulling the covers over his head.

* * *

“You aren’t honestly suggesting that I sleep with him, are you?” Evelyn asked incredulously, taking a deep sip from her glass as Bellatrix fixed her with a pleading look.  
  
“Oh my god,” Evelyn continued, shaking her head, “you honestly are suggesting that, aren’t you?”  
  
“I’m just saying that it might help him, make him feel a bit better, you know?” Bella retorted, taking a sip from her own glass.   
  
How is my sleeping with him supposed to make him feel better about his _boyfriend_ breaking up with him?” Evelyn countered, rising to her feet and hastily making her way towards the liquor cabinet. Carefully she refreshed her glass; gin on the rocks with a dash of tonic. “I don’t think that sex is the cure for this sudden catatonic state he’s in, is all.”  
  
“Of course it is! Throw him a pity shag! He’s bi, he’d definitely be into you. It’d be a nice boost to his self-esteem, bedding the lovely Evelyn Greengrass.”  
  
“You want me to sleep with your cousin. I can’t believe you,” Evelyn replied flatly, shaking her head. “Back me up on this, Rod. This is utterly stupid.”  
  
Bella turned to Rod, seated beside her, waiting for him to respond.  
  
He coughed, visibly uncomfortable with being put on the spot. “I mean, do you really think it’s the best idea, Bella? Sirius is obviously in a bad place right now, I'm not sure sex is going to help him any. Have you spoken to any of his friends? Surely someone must have called, trying to check in with him?”  
  
“Evelyn thought it best that we give his friends some time to cool off, given the circumstances,” Bellatrix started, glancing meaningfully towards the blonde.   
  
“Though as of now, no one has attempted to contact him.”  
  
“No one?” Rod asked, surprised.  
  
“No,” Evelyn confirmed, shaking her head. “It’s sad, really.”  
  
Rod frowned, glancing from Evelyn to Bellatrix and back again. “Well,” he said finally, clearing his throat.  
  
“Well?” the two women countered, eyeing him curiously.  
  
“Perhaps it wouldn’t be the _worst_ idea in the world, getting his mind off of things,” he concluded, shrugging his shoulders.  
  
“See!” Bella cried, victorious.  
  
Evelyn shot the pair a withering look, reaching for her handbag. “I hate both of you,” she muttered, rolling her eyes.   
  
“Think about it,” Bella called out as Evelyn shrugged on her coat, making a beeline for the front door.

* * *

Evelyn watched as Bellatrix prepared tea for the two of them, rapping her fingernails on the kitchen counter.  
  
“You have no idea how much it means to me that you’ve been here to help me through all this, Evie,” Bella smiled, gently setting a cup of tea in front of Evelyn and joining her at the table.  
  
“I know, I know,” Evelyn replied, waving her hand dismissively. “It’s nothing, honestly.”  
  
“Have you thought any about what I suggested?” Bella asked, eyeing Evelyn intently.  
  
“How did I even get roped into all of this?” Evelyn groaned, pouting.  
  
“Because you’d do anything I asked if it meant helping me,” Bella retorted, gently taking the blonde’s hand and squeezing it.  
  
“I haven’t put much thought to _that_ yet... But...I’ve been thinking,” Evie started, pulling away from Bella’s hold and running her fingers nervously through her hair.  
  
“What?”  
  
“Maybe it would be better for everyone if we moved Sirius to my place.”  
  
“Why?”  
  
“Well, a change of scenery might be good for him. You know I love your flat, it’s lovely... It really is... But it’ll give you and Rod some much needed reprieve. It seems silly to have me here at all hours of the day along with him when I’ve got an entire townhouse all to my lonesome. It might improve his mood some, being able to roam the house, explore the garden...” she trailed off, staring down at the ground.  
  
“What is this _really_ about, Evie?”  
  
Evelyn sighed, letting her pale blonde hair hang in her face. “You know he doesn’t want me here, Bella. It’s... not appropriate. It’s one thing to have me pop in when he’s at work to check on you or to stay a few days when you’re having an episode but...”  
  
“Rod knows that you-”  
  
“Rod doesn’t know shit, Bellatrix. He may _say_ he’s fine with it, but he’s _not_.”  
  
“Hey, come here,” Bella cooed, reaching forward and pulling Evelyn close to her.  
  
“I’ve _tried_ to be respectful. You know that. I know that he’s... And _you’re_... I just...” Evelyn trailed off, trying and failing to mask the tears trailing down her pale cheeks.  
  
“I never said that I didn’t still love you,” Bella drawled, breath warm as she pulled Evelyn closer still, gently pressing her red-tinged chapped lips to Evelyn’s soft, glossed ones.   
  
Evelyn accepted the kiss, deepening it, her manicured hands tangling themselves in Bella’s unruly hair.   
  
At last the two parted, Evelyn reaching for her handbag, cheeks flushed, in search of her compact mirror. From the corner of her eye, she noticed a flash of dark hair at the kitchen doorway. She blinked. Nothing. _You’re imaging things. Stop it_ , she scolded herself.  
  
Bellatrix smirked, licking her lips victoriously, as Evelyn shakily reapplied her lipstick, the tiniest smudge of her favorite shade of _Chanel Rouge Allure_ around the corners of her mouth.   
  
“I think I like you best when you’re like this,” Bella noted, lips curled into an adoring grin.  
  
“Like what, a mess? Like you?” Evie retorted, brushing off Bella’s warm inflection with a roll of her eyes.  
  
“Not exactly,” the brunette retorted, eyeing the blonde hungrily as she took a deep sip from her mug.  
  
“Just spit it out, already,” Evelyn replied, tossing her lipstick and compact back into her bag, folding her arms against her chest.  
  
“I don’t know, just when you’re _undone_ a little, I suppose,” she said at last, unable to contain a smirk. “You’re always so put together, so _polished_. It’s nice to see you let loose a little,” she continued, leaning forward and not at all discretely placing a hand on the blonde’s thigh. “I like knowing that I did that, that it’s me you’re coming undone for.”

* * *

To everyone’s relief, after an additional two weeks of lying in bed, Sirius at last emerged from the bedroom, settling himself on the couch in front of the television set. He still refused to speak much, though he irritably agreed to eat simple meals of toast and jam Bella prepared for him, which she counted as progress. The new few weeks found Sirius following a pattern of camping out on the couch from ten in the morning until ten in the evening, when he would crawl off to bed. Evelyn was wary of the alleged _progress_ , Sirius had made, continually arguing that, _“Curling up all day on the couch is hardly much better than being holed up in bed all day, Bella.”_ Still, Bella was willing to take her wins where she could get them. _As long as he’s getting out of bed every day and eating at least a little something, then I’m not a total failure_. By her logic, yes, she may not be getting him much better, but at least she wasn’t allowing him to get any worse.   
  
Once certain that this was not some fluke and that Sirius did not appear likely to regress back to his near-total catatonic state, Rod had gently suggested that Bella return to her normal activities once more.  
  
“It’d be good for you to start going to your appointments regularly, dear,” he’d suggested, kissing her pale neck softly as she struggled to straighten his tie.  
  
“I know but.. I don’t want him to be-”  
  
“Evelyn is here, isn’t she? She’s more than capable of looking after him while you go out and attend your appointments,” Rod interrupted, frowning.  
  
“But what if he _needs_ me, Rod? I know Evie is fine with him, but what if he _needs_ me and I’m not here?”  
  
He glanced toward Evelyn, seated at the kitchen table, primly sipping from a takeout cup of coffee. “Honestly, Bella, you’re being ridiculous. He’s been up and out of bed every day for a month, now. You can’t keep canceling your therapy sessions. I’m sure that Sirius will be fine with Evelyn. She’s certainly been here _enough_ this whole time.”  
  
He frowned, shooting Evelyn a pointed look. “In fact, I’m starting to wonder if she’s moved in here, herself,” he noted, his tone light yet projecting a thinly veiled note of nastiness.  
  
“Fine, fine. I’ll go to therapy today, Rod. Maybe even go to the gym. I promise,” Bella coaxed, throwing her arms around his neck and pulling him closer for a kiss.

* * *

Bellatrix watched, lips twitching slightly in pride as she observed her younger cousin curl up into himself, blankets wrapped tightly around him. Satisfied that he was at least up and about, she went about her day, offering Evelyn a brief peck on the lips before scurrying out of the flat, off to the gym and then therapy.  
  
Evelyn settled beside Sirius on the couch, curious to see if he was feeling more social. Not to her surprise, she found him staring ahead at the television, barely aware of her presence. “Sirius,” she started, clearing her throat.  
  
Sirius appeared unaware of her, staring straight ahead, blankets pulled tightly up to his chin, dead to the world around him.  
  
She sighed, shaking her head. “Sirius,” she tried again, reaching over and tapping him lightly on the shoulder.  
  
Sirius tensed under her touch, suddenly alert. “What?” he asked, a hint of aggravation in his tone.  
  
“It’s good to see you up and about,” she replied, taking his obvious irritation light-heartedly.  
  
“I got tired of Bellatrix looking at me with that sad look on her face,” he retorted evenly, shrugging. “Besides, at least there’s a telly here. I can just as easily mope here as I can in bed,” he added.  
  
“Fair point,” Evelyn noted, examining her nails.   
  
The pair sat in silence for the better part of two hours, Evelyn feigning interest in the program Sirius had selected, while Sirius stared with glazed eyes at the screen.  
  
“Do you have any blow?” Sirius asked, turning his head to face her.  
  
Evelyn met his gaze, a single eyebrow raised in surprise. “And you’re asking me this because...”  
  
“Because I want to do some fucking blow. You asked me before what would make me feel better and _that_ would make me feel better,” Sirius snapped, eyes darkening.  
  
“And you just assumed that I am the sort who goes around with a supply of coke on hand?” she asked wryly.  
  
“You _are_ friends with Bella,” Sirius scoffed, rolling his eyes.  
  
Evelyn bit her lip, silently debating the choice at hand. _Fuck it_ , she thought, rising to her feet to fetch her handbag from the kitchen.  
  
Expertly, she chopped up a few thick, even lines on the ever-present mirror on Bellatrix’s coffee table. “Shall I go first or will you do the honors?” she asked, snuff tube in hand.   
  
Sirius smirked, grabbing the tube from her hand and promptly sniffing the first two lines, back to back. With eyes closed, he leaned back into the couch, a blissful smile etched across his face.  
  
“Feeling better?”  
  
“You have no fucking idea.”

* * *

“I just... I miss him so fucking much, you know?” Sirius slurred, lying sprawled out on the couch, a half-finished glass of whiskey in his hand.   
  
“It’s been what, two months now?” Evelyn asked, taking a tiny sip from her own drink.  
  
Sirius frowned. "Three months next week," he muttered, eyes lowered. "Not that I'm counting."  
  
“He hasn’t tried to talk to you?” she ventured, twirling the ice in her glass.  
  
“Nope,” Sirius confirmed, shaking his head. “No one has.”  
  
Evelyn frowned, scooting closer to place a sympathetic hand on his shoulder. “I’m sorry, Sirius.”  
  
“I did it to myself, what the fuck did I expect? I’m getting what I deserve.”  
  
“They’ll come around,” she offered, half-heartedly.  
  
“I doubt it,” Sirius snapped, tossing his head back and draining the contents of his glass.  
  
He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, woozily rising to his feet and meandering towards the liquor cabinet. “It’s been two months. If they were going to try and reach out to me, they’d have done so by now. It’s _over_ ,” he noted, pouring himself another drink.  
  
“It’s not easy, being rejected by the ones you love,” Evie said softly, more so to herself than to Sirius.   
  
“I’m sorry, by the way,” Sirius noted, joining her on the couch and spilling half his drink on himself in the process. “Ugh, _fuck_ ,” he swore, tearing his soiled shirt off and tossing it behind the couch.  
  
“For what?” she asked, puzzled.  
  
“For... Y’know. Asking you to fuck me that day. In my room,” Sirius replied, staring down into his glass.  
  
“You’re hardly the first man to proposition me, Sirius,” she replied dryly, rolling her eyes. “Honestly, it’s fine.”  
  
Sirius glanced up at her, a guilty expression on his face. “I kind of saw you and Bella... Kissing. I didn’t know you and her had some sort of... Thing. If I’d known I would have never asked you to...” he trailed off, picking at loose threads on his blanket.  
  
Evelyn gripped her glass tighter, considering her words. She drained the contents of her glass, ignoring the fact that her hands were shaking. “There’s nothing between Bella and I, Sirius,” she said at last, her words coming out calmer than she felt at the moment.  
  
“She and I dated, back at school. That was ages ago. That kiss was... It was nothing,” she continued, rising to her feet and pouring herself another drink. Gin. Neat. She glanced at the bottle of tonic water and ignored it, returning to her seat beside Sirius.  
  
She took a deep sip, cautiously observing Sirius, who was staring at her, apparently processing what she had said. “Oh,” he said finally, shrugging. “Makes sense, I s’pose. Bella has always been impulsive... What did she just grab you and kiss you for the hell of it?”  
  
“Something like that,” Evelyn retorted, taking a deep sip of her drink, blinking back tears of pain as the liquor burned her throat.  
  
Evelyn stared at Sirius for a moment, drink temporarily forgotten. She allowed her eyes to linger on his bare torso; there was no denying it, Sirius Black was a handsome, fit boy. _Man_ , she corrected herself. She bit her lip, considering. _Bella did ask you to fuck him_ , she thought, weighing her options. She reached for her drink, taking a deep sip. _Fuck it. It’s not like you’ve anything better to do at this point_.  
  
“You know,” she started, inching slightly closer to Sirius, expertly placing a hand on his upper thigh. “There _might_ be something I could do to make you feel better.”  
  
“Oh?” Sirius squeaked, taken aback by Evelyn’s forward approach.  
  
“Mhmm,” she smirked, moving her hand a tad to the right, lightly stroking his half-hard cock through the thin fabric of his boxers.   
  
“Why, though?” he asked, breath hitched as she slunk closer to him, manicured fingernails digging into his shoulders as she stared him down, a slightly menacing look in her eyes.  
  
“Why not?” she countered, a single eyebrow raised. “Beats the hell out of just sitting around babysitting you, don’t you think?”  
  
Sirius nodded, gasping as Evelyn swooped forward, sharp teeth grazing his neck.   
  
“I can take care of you, Siri,” she breathed, tongue lightly tracing his Adam's apple. “I can make you forget all about _him_.”  
  
“Oh... Oh yeah?” Sirius gasped, involuntarily thrusting his hips forward as she climbed into his lap.  
  
She smiled coldly at him, gently brushing hair from his eyes before plunging toward him again, lips pressed harshly to his, the faintest hint of teeth gnawing at his lower lip. “I can make you feel _all better_ , Siri. Let me take care of you. I’ll help you fuck the pain away.”


	22. Chapter 22

“James, we need to talk.”  
  
James glanced up from his sociology text, forcing a neutral expression as his mother eyed him carefully from the doorway, arms folded against her chest.  
  
“Alright then,” James retorted, shrugging. “So let’s talk.”  
  
“You never _did_ tell me what exactly happened between Sirius and-”  
  
“I don’t want to talk about it,” James interrupted, teeth gritted.  
  
“James, I don’t understand why out of nowhere you would just-”  
  
“Let it go, mum, just let it go.”  
  
“But _why_ -”  
  
“What’s there to say, mum? He’s a drug addict. He doesn’t want to get better, he doesn’t _want_ my help or anyone else’s. He’s made his bed. Let him lie in it.”  
  
Mrs. Potter frowned, shutting the door behind her and sitting down on the edge of James’ bed. “Have you spoken to him at all? It’s been over three months, James.”  
  
“No,” James replied, sighing.   
  
“Has anyone heard from him? Lily, Remus?”  
  
“Nope.”  
  
His mother sighed, shaking her head. “I know Sirius has his problems… he’s by no means perfect, James. But honestly… you’ve been friends since you were small. You can’t honestly want to throw away over a decade of friendship over some silly quarrel.”  
  
“He slapped Lily,” James retorted, voice barely above a whisper.  
  
“Was he-”  
  
“Yeah. It was obvious he was high. On something. But that doesn’t change the facts. He knocked out Remus’ friend Jack from school. Cold-cocked him. How can I stand by and condone that sort of behavior?”  
  
“James-”  
  
“It’s like Lily says, he can’t keep using his mental illness as an excuse, Mum. He can’t just hide behind that and never take accountability for his actions. He fucked up. He has to accept the consequences,” James interrupted, running his hands anxiously through his messy black locks.  
  
Mrs. Potter nodded, lips pressed tightly together. “While I admire your girlfriend’s stance on the matter, I have to disagree. Sirius is mentally ill; you know this. He’s abusing drugs and alcohol; that’s no secret to anyone, I see the recycling bin too, James. While I’m hardly saying you should condone his behavior, I’m disappointed that you’d completely write off your best friend, someone who is obviously in a lot of pain, when what he needs most right now is a friend.”  
  
“But he-”  
  
“No, those incidents were not his proudest moments, James. But what you need to realize is that everyone will be remembered more for their biggest mistakes than for any of their successes.”  
  
James frowned, staring down at the floor.  
  
“Do you even know where he is? If he’s safe?”  
  
James shrugged, choking back tears he hadn’t realized were forming. “I dunno. He deactivated his Facebook page.”  
  
Mrs. Potter frowned. “You should call him, James.”  
  
“I doubt he’ll even answer me, mum. It’s been three months. We’ve never gone this long without talking… for all I know he’s changed numbers, moved, god knows what he’s up to.”  
  
“James-”  
  
“I’ll think about it, okay?”

* * *

“ _Fuck_ ,” Sirius groaned, clutching his head. “How much did we drink last night?”  
  
“Not that much,” Evelyn retorted, shrugging.  
  
“You sure?” he asked, watching as the blonde carefully put on her jewelry.  
  
“Yes, I’m sure,” she affirmed, frowning as she struggled with the clasp of her necklace.  
  
“Why do I feel like utter shite, then?”  
  
“Because you’re not eating enough to be able to drink the way you drink, Sirius,” she sighed, tossing her hair over her shoulder as she turned to face him.   
  
“I eat,” Sirius protested, lips curled into a sneer.  
  
“How long have you had an eating disorder for?” the blonde asked, ignoring his statement.  
  
“What makes you-”  
  
“I went to boarding school in fucking Switzerland, Sirius. I know an eating disorder when I see one,” she said dryly, interrupting him.  
  
“I didn’t mean to-”  
  
“You’ve been subsiding on little more than whiskey and blow, Sirius. Don’t tell me that isn’t intentional.”  
  
Sirius sighed, defeated. “Whatever.”  
  
“So answer the question, Siri,” Evelyn demanded, shooting him a pointed look.  
  
Sirius sighed. “On and off since I was sixteen, I suppose,” he replied, shrugging.   
  
“Do we have any coke?” he asked, eager to change the subject.  
  
“Of course we do,” Evelyn replied tersely, “but we have somewhere to be in an hour and I don’t need to have Orion Black’s son on my arm, visibly strung out.”  
  
Sirius rolled his eyes. “Where are we going, again?”  
  
“You are escorting me to a charity luncheon for the Red Cross.”  
  
“Evie, I don’t want to do _that_ ,” Sirius complained, sighing heavily.  
  
“You’ve spent the past three months hiding out, first at Bella’s flat, now here. It’s time to return to real life,” Evelyn replied evenly, turning to the mirror and beginning to apply lipstick.  
  
“I hate real life,” Sirius whined, arms folded against his chest.  
  
“Not enough to keep you from swiping my phone to stalk your ex boyfriend on Facebook,” Evelyn quipped, making eye contact with him via his reflection in the mirror.   
  
“I don’t-”  
  
“Why don’t you just reactivate your account, Sirius? If you’re still afraid of any… unpleasantness from James and the others, block them. It’s time to start living your life again. Return to uni and whatnot,” Evelyn interrupted, turning to face him again.  
  
“Sick of me already, then?” he retorted, making a face.  
  
“Spare me,” Evelyn sighed, rolling her eyes. “Take a shower and get dressed, please.”  
  
Sirius nodded, dragging himself out of bed. “Do you really think I should?” he asked, lowly.  
  
“ _Yes_ , I do think you should get your arse in the shower, Sirius,” Evelyn snapped, reaching for a tube of lipstick. “I know you’re going for the whole _gutter punk_ thing or whatever, but for god’s sake it wouldn’t kill you to clean yourself up for one fucking event.”  
  
“No, I meant reactivate my Facebook account…”  
  
Evelyn raised an eyebrow, observing Sirius from the mirror. “Oh. Well, yeah, why not? You’ve been… leveling out some. We managed to pull you out of that major depressive episode you were in. Don’t you miss talking to people your own age?”  
  
“You’re my own-”  
  
“I’m eight years older than you, Sirius. I finished uni _ages_ ago. We’re hardly contemporaries,” Evelyn interrupted, shaking her head.  
  
“Christ, I feel like I’m robbing the cradle,” she muttered, returning to the task of applying lipstick.  
  
“You could pass for twenty-one easily, Evie,” Sirius offered, grinning.  
  
“Thank god for good genes and La Mer, right?” she quipped, smiling back.  
  
“I’m dreading seeing what sorts of nasty messages people have sent me…” Sirius continued, returning to his initial train of thought.  
  
Evelyn sighed. “Oh for _fuck’s_ sake, give me your phone,” she sighed, holding out an open palm.  
  
“What are you-”  
  
“I need you to get in the shower _now_ Sirius, we’ve already wasted enough time. I’ll reactivate your account since you’re so afraid to-”  
  
“I’m not afraid,” Sirius protested.  
  
“Right,” Evelyn retorted sarcastically. “Phone please.”  
  
Reluctantly, Sirius handed Evelyn his phone. “Moony310#.”  
  
“Huh?”  
  
“That’s the password,” Sirius replied, wandering into the adjoined bathroom.

* * *

Evelyn scrolled through Sirius’ phone, searching for the Facebook app. She quickly reactivated his account, taking a moment to browse his news-feed. To her surprise, it appeared that James and Remus had not blocked Sirius, as they both appeared on his news-feed. Curious, she clicked on Remus’ name, bringing her to his profile.   
  
“Shit,” she muttered to herself, her stomach coiling uneasily as she scrolled through Remus’ status updates, pausing as she came across a relationship status update. _In a relationship with Jack Walsh_.  
  
Evelyn stared down at Sirius’ phone, considering how to proceed. _It’s going to set him off when he sees this_. She quickly typed in her own name in the search bar, sending herself a friend request. Grabbing her own phone from the dresser, she accepted the request, biting her lip as she considered her next course of action. As if on cue, her phone began ringing.  
  
Seeing that it was Bella, she quickly answered the phone.  
  
“To what do I owe the pleasure, Bella?”  
  
“Just thought I’d check in and see how you’re doing.”  
  
“You mean check in on how your cousin is doing, love. I presume he isn’t responding to your texts?”  
  
“How do you know that?”  
  
“I have his phone in my hand at this very moment,” Evelyn retorted, exiting the Facebook app to browse his text messages. “It appears he has… hmmm… nearly one hundred unread messages. I’d say it’s safe to assume that ickle Siri is firmly determined to avoid dealing with his life and the people in it.”  
  
“Thanks again for looking after him, Evie. I know he’s a lot to handle, but-”  
  
“He’s a walk in the park compared to you, love,” Evelyn teased, laughing.  
  
“I think you’ve cheered him up some, beguiling him with your womanly charm.”  
  
“I suppose you’re right. He’s a sweet kid.”  
  
“Hey, since I’m taken, he’s the next best thing, right?” Bella asked, jokingly.  
  
Evelyn tensed, gripping the phone tighter than necessary. _That was below the belt, Bella_ , she thought to herself miserably, Bella’s comment striking a nerve. “Ha,” she retorted dully, tensing her jaw.  
  
She cleared her throat, eager to change the subject. “So… it appears that Remus has a new boyfriend,” she stated, careful to keep her voice down.  
  
“Shit.”  
  
“He’s going to find out, Bella.”  
  
“I thought he deactivated his-”  
  
“I convinced him that it’s high time he resume normal life, including reactivating his account,” Evelyn interrupted, sighing.  
  
“Should we tell him?” she asked.  
  
“ _No_ ,” Bella retorted shrilly. “After all the progress he’s made? This will destroy him.”  
  
“I wouldn’t exactly say that he’s _thriving_ , Bella,” Evelyn retorted, rolling her eyes.  
  
“What are you implying, Evie?”  
  
“I’m just saying that he can’t avoid unpleasant realities forever, _Bella_. He’s still a bloody mess, you and I both know that. He won’t take his meds. He’s not eating.”  
  
“Well at least he’s not lying in bed all day, like he was,” Bella pressed, her tone getting shriller.  
  
“Because what he’s _currently_ doing is such a fucking improvement over that,” Evelyn hissed, swiftly exiting the room and descending the stairs to the lower level.  
  
“Bellatrix, I love you and I know that you want to believe that your baby cousin is on the mend, but he is in _free fall_. Do you understand that? He’s no better off than you were when you were off your meds during the last bad manic episode you had.”  
  
The line remained silent, save for Bella’s steadying breath. _Fuck, you’ve got her worked up into a panic attack_. “How bad is it?” Bella asked finally, voice low.  
  
“Bad,” Evelyn affirmed. “He’s going through an eight-ball a day, and god knows how much whiskey. _This isn’t coping_.”  
  
“I should come round to see him. If we could just get him to go back to therapy, maybe his therapist could convince him to go back on his meds,” Bella offered.  
  
“You forget he’s a Black. He’s got a stubborn streak as bad as your own, Bella.”  
  
_Silence._  
  
“Have you been taking care of yourself, Bella?” Evelyn asked gently.  
  
“I’ve been trying… it’s just… it’s so…”  
  
“I know, love. You need to focus on yourself. Don’t worry about Sirius. I can take care of him.”  
  
“But you just said-”  
  
“Don’t worry about it, Bella. I moved him in with me to take the burden off of you. I’ve handled worse, trust me. I dealt with you, didn’t I?”  
  
“Yeah…”  
  
“So let me help you by taking care of Siri. I’ll handle the fallout that’s sure to happen when he finds out about Remus, and you make sure you’re taking care of yourself. Did you download that app, yet?”  
  
“Yeah… it’s actually been really helpful. Thank you, _E_.” “It’s what I’m here for.”  
  
“You know that I-”  
  
“Bellatrix, don’t,” Evelyn interrupted, moisture pooling in her eyes.  
  
“But… I just… you know that I-”  
  
“Bella, don’t. We’re running late for an event, I need to go. I’ll come check on you in a few days, alright?”  
  
“Alright,” Bella replied, begrudgingly.  
  
“Bye, love,” Evelyn said, ending the call.  
  
“Sirius,” she called out, wiping stray tears from her eyes. “We need to get going, _now_.”

* * *

Sirius fidgeted with his tie, uncomfortable, as he and Evelyn milled about the room, greeting familiar faces at the Red Cross charity luncheon. Upon arrival, he’d been forced to have a tense interaction with his parents, further sullying his already foul mood.  
  
“This is Sirius Black, Orion’s son,” Evelyn said, gripping Sirius’ arm lightly, pulling him out of his own thoughts.  
  
“A pleasure to make your acquaintance,” he quipped, offering the man opposite him a firm handshake.  
  
“Are we almost done, Evie?” Sirius muttered lowly, as the pair made their way back to their assigned table.  
  
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know your father would be here. I swear,” Evelyn apologized, brow knit with concern. “We’ll leave after they serve tea, okay? We can do something you’d like.”  
  
“Fine,” Sirius sighed, lowering his head.  
  
“Oi, Siri,” a familiar voice called out, drawing his attention.  
  
Sirius glanced up, catching sight of Marlene McKinnon. “Hey Marley,” he greeted the blonde, nodding in acknowledgment.  
  
“So he lives,” Marlene smirked, striding towards him. “Where’ve you been hiding, Siri?”  
  
Sirius paused, unsure of how to respond.  
  
“He’s been… occupied,” Evelyn offered, draping her arm around his shoulders, interjecting herself into the conversation.  
  
Sirius observed as Marlene’s eyes widened in realization. He smirked, snaking an arm around Evelyn’s waist. “Marley, this is my _friend_ , Evelyn Greengrass.”  
  
He turned his head, glancing at Evelyn. “Marley and I have known each other since we were kids.”  
  
“A pleasure to meet you,” Evelyn quipped, offering Marlene her hand.  
  
Evelyn smirked, patting her silky smooth white-blonde hair down. “If you’ll excuse me, there’s an old friend I _must_ say hello to,” she offered, before sauntering off.  
  
“Well, now I see why you’ve gone off the grid, Siri,” Marlene smirked, shaking her head. “She’s _gorgeous_.”  
  
“Thanks,” Sirius retorted, grinning.  
  
“It’s good to see you, Siri. I’m having a party next weekend. Don’t be a stranger, stop by.”  
  
“Of course. Good to see you Marley,” Sirius replied, offering the blonde a friendly embrace.

* * *

“I think _someone_ was a tad jealous to see a striking blonde on your arm, Sirius,” Evelyn chided, as the pair made their way down the street, leaving the luncheon.  
  
Sirius laughed, shaking his head. “Marlene’s always had a thing for me… I think she nearly dropped dead when you came over and implied that we were… together,” he noted.  
  
“She’s a cute girl… you never…”  
  
“She’s shite in bed. Just lies there like a bloody corpse.”  
  
“Sirius!” Evelyn laughed, smacking him gently on the arm.  
  
“So I kiss and tell, so what?” he quipped, smirking.  
  
“You’re a right piece of work, Siri.”  
  
The pair continued on in silence. “How far is this damn coffee shop, Sirius? We’ve been walking for ages,” Evelyn complained, after several blocks.  
  
“Come now, a London girl like yourself can’t _possibly_ be complaining about a charming stroll through the city,” Sirius retorted, loosening his tie.  
  
“If I’d known I’d be forced to walk miles in my Louboutins, I’d have insisted we take a cab,” Evelyn replied evenly, arms folded against her chest.  
  
“You said we could get coffee,” Sirius reminded her.  
  
“Yes. I said coffee. I didn’t say you could drag me down to your old stomping grounds to stalk your ex,” Evelyn said pointedly.  
  
“I’m not-”  
  
“Sirius, I’m not daft. Are we or are we not blocks from UCL’s campus?” Evelyn interrupted, right eyebrow raised.  
  
“Yes, but…” he trailed off, shrugging.  
  
“Sirius, it’s fine. You behaved yourself at the luncheon, I suppose I owe you at least this much,” Evelyn said finally, her tone mocking, as if she were placating a small child. 

* * *

At last the pair arrived at the coffee shop, Sirius holding the door for Evelyn.  
  
“Such a gentleman,” she scoffed, rolling her eyes.  
  
“Grab us a table, I’ll get us drinks, Sirius offered, gesturing towards the array of tables in the small shop.  
  
“Very well,” Evelyn agreed, lowering herself into a chair at the nearest table. “Get me a double espresso, please.”  
  
Sirius approached the counter, heart pounding. _Please be working today, please be working today_.  
  
“Can I help you?” a voice called out, grabbing Sirius’ attention.  
  
“Um yeah… a double espresso and a large black coffee,” he replied, shoving his hands in his pockets.  
  
“Anything else?” the barista, a vaguely familiar brunette, asked.  
  
“Um.. is, is Remus working today?” he asked, careful to keep his tone casual.  
  
The girl frowned, eyeing him critically. “You’re Sirius, right?” she asked, coolly.  
  
“Yeah, I am.”  
  
The girl nodded, lips pressed firmly together. “Rem is off today. But he’s over there, working on coursework,” she retorted, nodding her head toward the back corner of the shop.  
  
Sirius followed her gaze, overcome with a feeling of nausea when he caught sight of Remus, cozily tucked into a corner with a familiar redhead, lips locked.  
  
_This isn’t happening._


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got fired from my job, so I have a lot more free time on my hands. Maybe this trend of updating more frequently than once every eight months will continue as a result. This chapter was fueled by tears, coffee, and too much gin. If nothing else, this chapter is longer than the past few have been. Enjoy. Talk to me about it if you'd like. I've got nothing but time to kill.

Swallowing the bile that had risen in his throat, Sirius quickly paid, his heart pounding frantically in his chest as he stood at the pick up queue, waiting for their drinks. Sapped of his courage to face Remus, he called out to the barista, “I’ll have those to go, actually.”  
  
The brunette nodded, shooting him a thinly veiled look of disgust. Sirius turned his back to the barista station, attempting to quietly get Evelyn’s attention. _We need to get out of here, now_.  
  
“Sirius,” the brunette’s voice rang out loudly, drawing the attention of several patrons. Angrily, Sirius grabbed the two to-go cups off the counter, nostrils flared in rage. “Thanks for that,” he spat, sarcastically.  
  
“Fuck you,” she retorted, turning on her heel to prepare another order.  
  
Sirius inhaled slowly, turning to face the sitting area of the coffee shop. Surely enough, Remus was watching him, an unreadable expression on his face. Gripping the drinks harder, to quell the shaking of his hands, he strode toward Evelyn, shoving her espresso into her hands. “Let’s get out of here,” he told her, through gritted teeth, eyes still watching Remus, watching him.  
  
Evelyn followed his gaze, understanding. “Let’s get out of here, love,” her voice rang out, rising to her feet and grabbing her handbag. “This place is disgusting.”  
  
Sirius nodded, taking care to wrap his arm familiarly around Evelyn’s waist. The pair made their way toward the door, when suddenly, Evelyn came to a halt. Sirius turned to question, only to have Evelyn grip him by the arm, lowly commanding, “kiss me. Now.”  
  
Sirius obeyed, pulling Evelyn toward him, kissing her slowly and deliberately. As the two separated, Sirius whispered, “why’d you do that?”  
  
“Look.”  
  
With practiced casualness, Sirius turned to look over his shoulder, finding Remus, red-faced, staring at him. Sirius smirked, satisfied with himself. _Good_.

* * *

“Rem.”  
  
Remus stared ahead, lips pressed firmly together. _What the fuck was that?_  
  
“Rem, are you okay?”  
  
Remus nodded, blinking back furious tears. Had Sirius really just done that? Made a scene in the coffee shop he worked at, after _months_ of falling off the face of the Earth, only to shove his new blonde girlfriend in his face?  
  
Remus sighed heavily, pulled from his own thoughts as Jack clasped his hands tightly with his own. “Just breathe, Rem. You’re okay.”  
  
Remus did as he was told, breathing slowly through his nose and exhaling through his mouth. Once calm enough, he took a sip of his coffee, considering what to say. “So he lives,” he muttered, his words colder than he’d expected.  
  
Jack nodded, offering Remus a comforting smile. “He’s a born and bred Londoner, Rem. You were bound to run into him sooner or later.”  
  
“He came here purposely. Just to rub that blonde on his arm in my face.”  
  
Jack sighed, patting Remus’ hand lightly. “Are you really surprised, Remus? From what you’ve told me, this is typical behavior of him.”  
  
“He doesn’t even look like himself. Christ. I haven’t seen him in a suit since… Fuck, I don’t even remember. Since he stopped speaking with his parents, at the very least,” Remus continued, frowning.  
  
“Perhaps he had a court hearing?” Jack suggested, laughing.  
  
Remus cracked a smile, shaking his head. “Thanks.”  
  
“It’s what I’m here for, isn’t it?” Jack retorted, smiling fondly.  
  
“Why can’t he just bugger off, Jack? He falls off the face of Earth for months, total radio silence, and now he’s showing up at my _job_ with his new piece of ass?”  
  
“Rem,” Jack started, taking Remus’ hand in his own, sighing, “you know that Sirius isn’t going to change. He’s going to do what he does, and no one can change that. The only thing you can control is how you respond to his actions. You’re not his property. You broke up, you don’t owe him anything. Rise above and let him behave how he will. If you show that he’s getting under your skin, it’ll only encourage him.”  
  
“You’re right,” Remus agreed, hanging his head down.  
  
“Hey now,” Jack said softly, tilting Remus’ chin up and pressing a soft kiss to his lips. “Remus John Lupin, you are an incredible lad. I know it’s hard, seeing your ex with someone else. But it will get easier. Besides, it’s his loss,” he continued, punctuating his statement with another kiss.  
  
“It’s his loss,” Remus repeated, nodding. _It’s his loss_.

* * *

“I can’t believe him,” Sirius fumed, pacing the bedroom back and forth.  
  
“Are you _still_ brooding over this?” Evelyn questioned, turning her head to face him.  
  
“How could I not be? We break up and he falls right into that ginger wanker’s arms? The fuck is that shite?”  
  
Evelyn rolled her eyes, resuming with applying her eyeliner. “If you’re still this upset, why are we going to this stupid party?" She asked.  
  
“Because Marlene invited me. These people were _my_ friends first. If Remus was so unaffected by our breakup then why the fuck shouldn’t I go? If he doesn’t like it, _he_ can leave,” Sirius retorted, lighting a cigarette.  
  
“Aren’t you going to get changed?” Evelyn asked, ignoring Sirius’ continued rant.  
  
“No, why?”  
  
“Your shirt is torn,” Evelyn observed, shrugging.  
  
Sirius rolled his eyes. “I keep forgetting you’re one of those posh girls. This is how I dress, Evie.”  
  
“Don’t expect me to match your _look_ with some torn fishnets and a bad tattoo,” Evelyn retorted.  
  
“Just don’t dress like you’re going to a gala and you should be fine,” Sirius replied, completely missing her sarcasm.  
  
“It’s really quite quaint that you and your friends still have _parties_ ,” Evelyn noted. “When I was your age, it was strictly the club scene for social events.”  
  
“I’m going to have a drink. Want one?” Sirius asked, ignoring her pointed jab.  
  
“Are you _really_ going to pregame a house party?” she asked dryly.  
  
Sirius turned to leave the room. “I’ll have a gin and tonic. Hold the tonic,” Evelyn called out to his retreating figure.

* * *

Two hours later, the pair arrived at Marlene’s home, Sirius hovering on the fine line between tipsy and drunk. He gripped Evelyn’s hand tightly, decidedly still anxious about facing so many of his old friends in one sitting. “Sirius!” a familiar voice rang out.  
  
Marlene made her way to the foyer, throwing herself at Sirius and pulling him into an embrace. “You came!” she said excitedly, eyes sparkling.  
  
“I figured we could at the very least make an appearance,” Sirius replied coolly, shrugging.  
  
“It’s not _really_ a party unless Siri is here,” Marlene said knowingly, directing her comment at Evelyn.  
  
“You don’t say,” Evelyn replied, a single eyebrow raised in feigned interest.  
  
“Come on,” Marlene insisted, grabbing Sirius by the arm, “we’re doing shots in the kitchen.”  
  
Evelyn rolled her eyes but remained silent, following the two through the house. “Bloody children,” she muttered under her breath, shaking her head.

* * *

Evelyn observed, mildly amused, as Sirius pounded back shot after shot. Between rounds, Sirius had decided to break out his xanax, crushing a handful of pills onto the kitchen counter. She’d declined to partake, instead continuing to nurse the gin and tonic the blonde girl, Marlene, had prepared her. Pleased that Sirius appeared to be enjoying himself, she retreated to the living room, where she’d spotted a wet-bar. Quickly and efficiently, she poured herself a tumbler of gin, turning her attention to the rest of the room, where various party-goers were sprawled out on any available surface, making out or drinking. Across the room, she spotted Remus and his redhead boyfriend, drinking beer and laughing with another couple. Curious, she slowly made her way toward them, careful to appear casual.  
  
As she passed by the group, she was startled by Sirius’ drunkenly yelling out, “Oi, Evelyn.”  
  
Freezing, she turned toward him, watching, dismayed, as he stumbled toward her. _Christ, he’s pissed. How’d he manage to get so drunk, I’ve only been gone a half hour_. “Having a good time, love?” she asked, pecking him politely on the lips.  
  
“You wanna do some blow?” he slurred, leaning forward to kiss her again.  
  
“I suppose,” she replied.  
  
Sirius remained silent, his attention drifting from Evelyn to something else. “Sirius?” she asked.  
  
_Silence_.  
  
Evelyn followed Sirius’ gaze; he and Remus were once again staring each other down. In fact, Evelyn observed, it appeared that both couples were watching Sirius.  
  
“Nice to see you again, Rem,” Sirius said at last, grabbing Evelyn by the arm and dragging her toward the foursome.  
  
“Sirius,” Remus replied tersely, leaning closer into Jack’s embrace. “You remember Jack, don’t you?” he asked, tilting his head to kiss Jack on the lips.  
  
Evelyn tensed, alarmed by how tightly Sirius was gripping her arm.  
  
“You’ve got a lot of nerve, showing your face around here,” the red-headed girl of the other couple, Lily, Evelyn suspected, said loudly, shooting Sirius a filthy look.  
  
“I was invited… I was friends with Marley _long_ before you ever were, Lils,” Sirius retorted, letting go of Evelyn to cross his arms against his chest, as if to challenge her.  
  
Lily turned to her black-haired companion, James, Evelyn figured, looking at him expectantly. “Well?” she hissed.  
  
James shook his head, apparently torn on how to react. He stared down at his feet, hands gripping his knees.  
  
“Enjoying my sloppy seconds, _Jackie-boy_?” Sirius taunted, turning his attention back to Remus and his boyfriend.  
  
“Fuck you, Sirius,” Remus growled, rising to his feet.  
  
“Rem, don’t,” Jack said soothingly, placing a reassuring hand on Remus’ arm. “Sit down.”  
  
“Rem,” Sirius said, his tone gentler now. “Can I talk to you? Please?”  
  
“Are you bloody mental?” Lily screeched, rising to her feet. “He doesn’t owe you _shit_ , Black. After what you did, you don’t deserve to even be in his presence, you pathetic piece of shit,” she continued, jabbing her finger accusingly at his chest.  
  
“Stay out of it, _Evans_ ,” Sirius muttered, waving his hand dismissively at her.  
  
“Why don’t you take your _escort_ and get your sorry arse out of here. _No one_ wants you here, Sirius. Marlene only invited you because everyone knows you’re an easy shag. That is all you ever have been and ever _will be_ good for.”  
  
“Rem, please?” Sirius begged, tears beginning to form in his eyes. “You can’t just… can’t just completely cut me out. We’ve been mates for years. You could have at least told me you’d started seeing someone else. You owe me that much.”  
  
“I don’t owe you _anything_ , Sirius. If I recall correctly, _you_ broke up with _me_ ,” Remus replied, his tone icy.  
  
“In fact,” he continued, “I believe your exact words were ‘you’re a filthy whore and I hate you. I’m fucking done.’ Why the fuck would I even _want_ to talk to you, after what you did?”  
  
“Rem, please-”  
  
“Go away, Sirius. I moved on. I don’t want to talk to you. Just… leave me alone. Take your girlfriend and go away,” he interrupted, lips quivering.  
  
_He’s about to burst into tears_. “Sirius, come on, “Evelyn said lowly, placing a comforting hand on Sirius’ shoulder. “It’s getting late. We should be getting home.”  
  
“Rem-”  
  
“Leave him the fuck alone, _Black_. Jesus fucking Christ, are you that dense?” Lily shrieked.  
  
“Come on,” Evelyn said soothingly, leading a dejected-looking Sirius toward the door. “We’ll stop for a drink at the pub. Okay?”  
  
Sirius nodded, staring glumly down at his feet as they strode towards the door.  
  
“Lovely to meet you all,” Evelyn called out over her shoulder, her voice dripping with sarcasm. “Some fucking friends you lot are.”

* * *

Sirius followed Evelyn’s lead through the house, his head spinning. After leaving Marlene’s the pair had stopped at the pub, where Evelyn had allowed him to knock back several whiskey doubles. _Probably shouldn’t have mixed xanax with whiskey. Oh well_.  
  
“Let’s have another drink,” he quipped, stumbling into the parlor and throwing himself on the couch.  
  
Evelyn laughed, standing before him. “I think we’ve had quite enough to drink, love. Why don’t we go upstairs?”  
  
“But I’m not tired,” he protested, shaking his head.  
  
“I didn’t say anything about sleeping, Sirius,” Evelyn retorted coyly, shooting him a suggestive look. “I thought perhaps we could…” she trailed off, offering him a hand.  
  
Sirius glanced up at her, his stomach roiling. _Don’t you remember why you got pissed to begin with? Remus was there. You saw him and fucked it up like you always do_. With practiced ease, he pulled himself up, offering the blonde a ready smile. “Of course.”  
  
Unsteadily, Sirius followed Evelyn upstairs, seating himself at the foot of the bed as Evelyn began to undress. He watched carefully, painstakingly struggling to will the thoughts of earlier in the evening from his mind.  
  
_You can do this. She’s a good-looking bird. She wants you. Forget Remus and get it done, fuck the pain away._  
  
Gathering his bearings, Sirius took a deep breath, eyeing Evelyn up and down. “Thanks for coming with me. I know you weren’t too keen about going to a _kid’s_ party,” he said softly, his eyes pooling with moisture. _Why do I feel like crying? So he was there and flaunted his boyfriend and I humiliated myself. Again. So bloody what?_  
  
“Of course. It’s not like I had anything better to do,” Evelyn shrugged, standing before her dresser as she removed her jewelry.  
  
Sirius observed her, appreciating the faint curve of her hip, her shape emphasized by her Diane Von Furstenberg silk-jersey dress. “Let me help you… with the zipper,” Sirius offered, stumbling as he got to his feet.  
  
“Careful,” Evelyn warned, grabbing hold of him and helping him keep his balance.  
  
“I didn’t even have _that_ much to drink,” he slurred, leaning into her, catching a whiff of her heady scent.  
  
Evelyn sighed, shaking her head. Sirius’ nose wrinkled as her pale blonde hair tickled his nose. “I didn’t!” he persisted, throwing an arm around her waist.  
  
“Didn’t keep much of it down, I’ll accede that… you only feel less drunk because you puked in the bushes for fifteen minutes on our way back to the house.”  
  
Sirius shrugged, changing the subject by kissing her.  
  
Clumsily, he unzipped her dress, struggling to keep his balance as he did so. The straps of her dress fell loosely down Evelyn’s shoulders as she carefully shrugged the garment off, letting it fall in a pile on the floor. Sirius gripped Evelyn by the back of the head, roughly tangling his fingers into her hair. Evelyn deepened their kiss, moaning softly into his mouth. “Want you,” she mumbled, guiding him towards the bed.  
  
Sirius followed obediently, breaking the kiss only to strip himself of his shirt and jeans. He watched, entranced, as Evelyn removed her panties, lying down on the bed. “Well?” she asked, her voice husky.  
  
Not needing to be told twice, Sirius followed suit, climbing on top of her, resuming their kissing. With one hand tangled in her hair, he used the other to grab her hip, forcefully guiding himself into her. “Fuck,” he muttered, squeezing his eyes shut as waves of bliss coursed through his body.  
  
Evelyn moaned contently, canting her hips upward to match his thrusts. “So good,” she cooed, her breath hot on his ear.  
  
Sirius maintained a fast-paced rhythm for some time, but found himself less interested as the initial rush wore off. _What am I even doing? I don’t want this_. He halfheartedly continued thrusting, lowering his head to avoid looking at her. Several moments passed before Sirius was even aware that he’d begun to cry, salty tears trailing his cheeks, dripping down and dampening Evelyn’s hair, who still lay below him.  
  
Still, dutifully, Sirius attempted to finish what he’d started, allowing his mind to drift back to earlier in the evening. Tears continued to flow, accompanied by Sirius’ shallow sobs, which he made no effort to choke back.  
  
He stopped mid-thrust, startled, when it dawned on him that he was not the only one crying. “Evie?” he asked, resting on his forearms, alleviating his weight from off of her. He observed her for a moment, taking note of her red-rimmed eyes, tears steadily flowing down her pale cheeks.  
  
She shook her head, gasping for breath. “I-I…” she trailed off, covering her face in her hands as she continued to sob.  
  
Shakily, Sirius got up, lying beside her on the bed. The pair lay in silence for some time, save for the occasional sob or gasp for breath. “I can’t do this, anymore,” Evelyn said finally, breaking the silence.  
  
Sirius nodded, turning to face her. “I miss Remus.”  
  
“I know,” she told him, reaching over to stroke his arm lightly. “I know, love.”  
  
“Why were you crying, _E_?”  
  
Evelyn’s lips quivered, as she burst into a fresh set of tears.  
  
“I’m sorry I started to… It’s not that you’re not wonderful and gorgeous and-”  
  
“It has nothing to do with you,” Evelyn snapped, her blue eyes shiny with anger.  
  
Sirius frowned, puzzled by her abrupt mood change. Brows knitted in thought, he observed the blonde, considering. “You aren’t still in love with Bella, are you?”  
  
Evelyn pressed her lips together firmly, tears continuing to trickle down her cheeks. “But.. but you said that… you said that you two broke up ages ago. That the kiss in her kitchen meant nothing,” Sirius accused, realization dawning on him.  
  
Evelyn sniffled, wiping her eyes with her arm. “I lied.”  
  
Sirius sighed, wrapping an arm around her. “What are we going to do?” he asked, face hot and sticky from his tears.  
  
Evelyn laughed, a cold, hollow sound. “Fuck if I know… we make quite the pair, don’t we? Pathetic wretches.”  
  
“I hate my life.”  
  
Evelyn sighed, shaking her head. “Yeah, me too.”


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It would be cool if someone wanted to help me out with this by letting me run ideas by them. Some of my best ideas in the past have come from off the cuff discussions about the plot and the characters and it'd be nice to have someone other than myself to talk to.

“So,” Lily started, pacing James’ bedroom briskly, “you want to tell me what the bloody hell _that_ was?”  
  
“What do you want me to say, Lils?” James muttered, covering his face with his hands.  
  
“I want you to tell me why you just sat there, bloody useless, while that _disgusting_ excuse for a human being-”  
  
“Lily, _don’t_ ,” James interrupted, his tone firm.  
  
“Oh, here we fucking go again,” Lily retorted, rolling her eyes.  
  
“He’s sick, Lily. I haven’t seen my best mate in _months_ , haven’t heard one word about how he’s been… I don’t think he meant any ill will towards Rem.”  
  
Lily snorted, shaking her head. “You’re a right piece of work. Listen to me-”  
  
“No, _you_ listen to _me_ , Lily. Sirius was pissed. He hasn’t seen or heard from any of us in months, he acted _exactly_ the way I’d expect him to.”  
  
“That doesn’t make it right.”  
  
“Neither does cutting off your best mate who is mentally ill and has _no one_ , yet here we are,” James replied sharply, shooting her a pointed look.  
  
“So you blame me,” Lily said lowly, her lips twitching into a mixed expression of grief and rage.  
  
“I don’t blame you, Lils… I just… mum was right, I should have at least called him, checked in,” James concluded, hanging his head down once more.  
  
Lily sighed, draping her arms around James’ shoulders. “Jamesie, I love you. You know that… I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry but… I _can’t_ forgive him for what he did to Remus. And Jack. If you need to… check in with him to clear your conscience or whatever this is about, that’s your business. Please understand that I can’t, though. I can’t.”  
  
James nodded, saying nothing.  
  
“You okay, love?”  
  
James shrugged.   
  
“James,” Lily said, eyeing him worriedly. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”  
  
“You should go home, Lils,” James said quietly, voice barely above a whisper.  
  
“But James-”  
  
“Lils. Go.”  
  
Lily nodded, lips pursed tightly together as she gathered her things. “I’m sorry James. Call me in the morning. Please?”  
  
“I will,” James affirmed, still staring at the floor.  
  
“Are you sure you want me to…” she trailed off, arms wrapped protectively around herself.  
  
“I just need some time, Lil. Please.”  
  
Lily nodded, making towards the door. “I love you. You know that, right?”  
  
“Love you too, Lils.”  
  
James sighed, rubbing his face furiously once Lily was on the opposite side of the door. “Goddamn it, Sirius,” he muttered, shaking his head.  
  
He removed his cell from his pocket, considering his options. _You could just call him_. He frowned, pulse beating just a bit faster. _No, he’ll probably start screaming at you, idiot. Besides, it’s late. He’s probably otherwise occupied. Or passed out_. For lack of anything else to do, he opened up Facebook, scrolling through his news-feed. To his surprise, he caught sight of pictures of Sirius, which he’d uploaded thirty minutes before. “So he reactivated his account,” James said lowly, biting his lip nervously.  
  
He tapped on Sirius’ name, opening a new chat message. Sighing, he stared down at the screen, unsure how to begin. “What do I even say?” he asked himself, frowning. “Sorry for abandoning you when you needed me most?”  
  
James stared down at the screen several minutes, chest tight as he considered what to say to his best friend. Finally, he put the phone down, hands shaking. _Another day_ , he promised himself, pulling off his shirt and crawling into bed. _I’ll talk to him another day_.

* * *

“How’s he been holding up?” Bella asked, fingers busy as she arranged even lines of cocaine.  
  
“Alright, I suppose,” Evelyn replied, running her fingers anxiously through her hair.  
  
“I wish you’d brought him round,” Bella noted, bending over to inhale a line. She sighed contently, wiping her nose with the back of her hand.  
  
“He’s sleeping off a bad drunk,” Evelyn retorted, accepting the snuff tube from Bella and following suit. She inhaled, appreciating the jolt of energy coursing through her body.   
  
Bella nodded, proceeding to inhale two lines. The two sat in silence, quietly consuming the drugs, each lost in their own thoughts. “Rod’s away on business?” Evelyn asked, breaking the silence.  
  
“Yeah,” Bella agreed, her forced smile wavering. “Two weeks in New York.”  
  
“And how have _you_ been holding up?”  
  
Bella shrugged, rapping her fingers on her armrest. “Oh. You know. Fine.”  
  
“You’re a horrific liar,” Evelyn told her, sighing. “Have you been taking your meds?”  
  
Bella shrugged. “I don’t know, _E_. I’ve been losing time. Hard to say _what_ I’ve been up to,” she offered, rising to her feet.  
  
Evelyn watched as she poured herself a glass of whiskey, swirling the amber liquid aimlessly. “I know my dealer came by. Good coke, right?” she asked, grinning.  
  
The blonde clenched her fists tightly, willing herself to contain the anger coursing through her veins. “How long have you been off your meds, Bella?” she asked, her voice void of inflection.  
  
“Dunno,” the brunette laughed, taking a swig of her drink. “Two, three weeks?”   
  
“You don’t look like you’ve slept much,” Evelyn observed.  
  
“Not tired,” Bella challenged, folding her arms against her chest. “Honestly, Evie, you’re overreacting. I’m _fine_.”  
  
Evelyn remained silent, considering her next course of action. She froze, taken off guard when she felt Bella’s arms wrap around her waist, pulling her into an embrace. “I’ve missed you, _E_ ,” she whispered, her breath hot on Evelyn’s ear.  
  
Evelyn sighed, enjoying the familiar touch of Bella’s skin against her own. “Rod won’t be back for another week… What do you say, for old time’s sake?” she asked, shooting Evelyn a pointed look.  
  
“I thought you said we couldn’t do that anymore,” she said lowly, pulling away from Bella’s touch. “You’re _engaged_ , Bella.”  
  
“You know you want it, Evie. I want you, you want me… no one has to know, it’s fine,” Bella continued, reaching for Evie’s hand, pulling her toward the bedroom.  
  
“No,” she said softly, pulling her hand away.  
  
Bella stared at her, not comprehending. “Why?”  
  
“I’m not your side piece, Bella. You can’t just expect me to cater to your every whim whenever Rod’s out of town and not available to shag you,” Evelyn retorted, taking a step away from the brunette.  
  
Bella rolled her eyes, striding purposefully toward the liquor cabinet. “You’re something else, you know that, Evelyn?”  
  
Evie stared her down, waiting for her to continue.  
  
“You think I don’t know? Do you think I’m _daft_? I KNOW you’re still in love with me. I know, Rod knows…. everyone who knows us bloody knows. You’re so obvious, Evelyn. Every time you look at me, I can see it in your eyes… you’re pathetic. If you had any sense you’d move on. I’m getting _married_ , Evelyn. He won and you lost. I’m not going to leave him for you, you should bloody well get that into your head,” Bella ranted, waving her drink wildly in the air for emphasis.  
  
“And here I am, being so kind as to throw you a pity shag, and you _refuse_ me?” she scoffed, shaking her head.  
  
“Fuck you, Bella,” Evelyn said sharply, grabbing her purse from the floor.  
  
“Where the fuck do you think you’re going?”   
  
“Home.”  
  
Bella began to scream, throwing her glass across the room. Evelyn winced as she heard the sharp crack of glass shattering against the wall. She stood by the door, watching as Bella thrashed angrily about the room, breaking glass after glass. She winced, a stray shard of glass nicking her as a glass shattered alarmingly close to her head.  
  
“I _hate_ you,” Bella screeched, grabbing a half-full bottle of whiskey and hurtling that at the wall, as well.  
  
The bottle exploded from the impact, sending shards of glass and amber liquid in splatters across the room. Evelyn bit her lip, watching as Bella continued to pace, expression feral, as she searched for something else to break.  
  
“Are you done?” Evelyn asked pointedly.  
  
Bella took several deep breaths, staring down at her hands. After running out of glassware to break, she’d taken to picking up larger fragments of the broken ones, lacerating her hands. Trickles of blood snaked down her hands, droplets falling to the floor, staining the carpet.  
  
“Don’t leave. Please?” Bella asked, eyes wide.  
  
“I’m sorry, okay? I just… I just… _fuck_ ,I don’t know what’s wrong with me I can’t think straight and-and-and…” she trailed off, falling to the floor in a sobbing heap.  
  
Evelyn sighed, breathing in deeply through her nose. “You’re manic, Bella.”  
  
“I’m not-”  
  
“Yes, love. You are. You’ve been off your meds and you’re in the midst of a manic episode. Come on, now,” she retorted, offering Bella a hand, pulling her to her feet.   
  
Bella sobbed, burying her face in Evelyn’s shoulder. Evelyn held her tightly, rubbing her back soothingly. “It’s okay, _B_. You’re going to be okay… we’ll get you through this.”  
  
Once Bella’s tears had subsided, the blonde led her to the kitchen, settling her at the table. “I’ll make you a cuppa, okay?”  
  
“I’d prefer something a bit stronger,” Bella replied, smiling sadly.  
  
“You know you just smashed your last bottle of whiskey.”  
  
“Fuck,” Bella swore, resting her head on the table.   
  
“Where are your meds, love?” Evelyn asked, abruptly changing the subject.   
  
“I threw them out.”  
  
Evelyn squeezed her eyes shut, shaking her head. “Oh, Bella.” She lowered herself into a chair opposite Bella. “Do you have glass in your hands?” she asked, eyeing the brunette’s injured hands.  
  
“I don’t think so,” Bella replied, shrugging. “Just cut them up a bit.”  
  
“Give me a moment,” Evelyn instructed, rising to her feet. “I’ll clean you up.”  
  
Evelyn excused herself to the bathroom, in search of bandages and antiseptic. She dug through the medicine cabinet, searching in vain for Bella’s medication, which she certainly had disposed of. Disappointed, she gathered the supplies to patch Bella up, returning to the kitchen.   
  
“Give me your hand,” she instructed, gently wiping Bella’s right hand with a wet cloth. Expertly, she cleaned her cuts with antiseptic, wrapping them up in bandages. She repeated the motions, finishing up Bella’s left hand quickly. “I suppose breaking glass is a family trait of yours,” Evelyn noted, lips pressed into a grim line.  
  
“What makes you say that?” Bella asked, curious.  
  
“Well,” Evelyn began, taking one of Bella’s hands in her own and squeezing it gently, “god only knows how many times I’ve cleaned you up after one of your rages like this… and Sirius does the same thing when he gets into a mood.”  
  
“Oh?” Bella asked, eyebrow raised.  
  
“Yeah,” Evelyn affirmed, lightly stroking Bella’s hand. “Though he tends to punch mirrors. Makes a bloody mess of his hands. I’ve had to remove plenty of glass from his hands with tweezers.”  
  
I’m sorry I’m so bloody useless, Evie.”  
  
“Bella, you’re not-”  
  
“Yes, I am. I know that I’m fucked up, Evelyn. I’m sorry. It’s bad enough you have to take care of me. I shouldn’t have put Sirius on you too. It’s not your responsibility to look after the mad Blacks.”  
  
“I’m going to give Dr. Walker a call. See if he can phone in a new prescription for you. You should see him, as well. I’ll go with you, if you’d like,” Evelyn told her, leaning forward to press a soft kiss to Bella’s lips.  
  
“I don’t deserve you,” Bella said quietly, lips quivering as tears began to form in her eyes.  
  
“I love you, _B_. Always have, always will,” Evelyn told her, shrugging.   
  
“You know you could do better. Christ, we aren’t even… I don’t have much of a choice, you know? My Da… he wouldn’t…. and I _do_ love Rod, too. It’s just…” Bella trailed off, staring down at her hands as silent tears trickled down her cheeks.  
  
“It’s like I told you before, Bella. You’re it for me. I know that _whatever_ we have isn’t conventional by any means, but if it’s all I can have, I’ll take it.”  
  
“You and Sirius seemed to be hitting it off pretty well.”  
  
Evelyn shook her head, smiling sadly. “He’s a sweet boy. But we both know we were just kidding ourselves. He’s still head over heels for that boy of his. And he knows that for me, it’s you and only you.”  
  
“You told him?” Bella asked, accusingly.  
  
Evelyn rolled her eyes. “He saw us, back when he was staying here. But yeah, more or less, he knows the score.”  
  
“You’re a bloody saint, Evelyn Greengrass.”  
  
“Hush, love. Why don’t you fix us a cuppa while I sort out things with the doctor?”  
  
Bella nodded. “Alright.”

* * *

Remus took a sip of tea, carefully placing his mug down. He glanced from his laptop screen to the pile of books littering the table he was seated at. He’d been working for hours on his Russian Lit paper. He still had two weeks to the deadline, but had thrown himself into his work, to distract himself from thinking about _him_. A month had passed since his run-in with Sirius at Marlene’s party, and he hadn’t caught sight of him even once, since. _Suppose he’s gone off the grid again_. Though it pained Remus to admit it, he worried about him. James had mentioned, in passing, that Sirius had reactivated his Facebook account. Until now, he had refrained from snooping around on Facebook to see what Sirius was up to. _It’s none of your business. You’re with Jack, now. Sirius is an adult, he can take care of himself_. Impulsively, he pulled his laptop toward him, fingers typing frantically as he pulled up Facebook. He typed Sirius’ name into the search bar, clicking on his profile. Lips pressed tightly together, he scrolled down, taking in the various images of a very intoxicated Sirius. _Fuck_. Remus squeezed his eyes shut, willing himself to reign his emotions in. It appeared that Sirius was spending a good deal of time getting extremely drunk. _Or fucked up on god knows what_ , he thought miserably. It also appeared he was spending a lot of time with the blonde he’d been with at the party, Evelyn Greengrass.  
  
“Wonder what her deal is,” he said to himself, clicking on the blonde’s name. He scrolled through her profile, curious to learn more about the woman. “Studied Medicine at Cambridge…. hmm,” he muttered to himself, frowning. _Wonder if she finished, if she’s a doctor_. He reached for his tea, taking a deep sip. He continued to scroll through her page, which was extremely sparse, due to her profile being private. He took note of pictures of her attending charity galas and similar functions. _Must be a society girl_.  
  
“You alright there, Moony?”  
  
Remus froze, feeling as if he’d been caught doing something forbidden. “Yeah,” he said quickly, minimizing the web page on his screen.  
  
“I suppose I’m not the only one who’s curious about what he’s been up to, eh?” James asked, joining Remus at the table.  
  
“I don’t know what you’re…” Remus trailed off, taking note of James’ pointed look. “Okay, yeah. I was curious,” he admitted, waving his hand dismissively. “Can you blame me?”  
  
James nodded, lips pressed firmly together. “I’ve been trying to build up the courage to message him. Can’t seem to bring myself to do it, though.”  
  
“Why?”  
  
James sighed. “Loads of reasons, I s’pose. What he did to you, did to Lils. The way he’d been behaving leading up to everything. I don’t quite know what to even say to him, Rem. The guilt doesn’t help, either.”  
  
Remus remained silent, waiting for James to continue.  
  
James cleared his throat, cracking his knuckles, a nervous habit of his. “He’s supposed to be my brother, Rem. And I just abandoned him. Mum is furious with me for it. Hell, I’m furious with myself. I-” he paused, lips pursed together in thought.  
  
“I know he’s a bloody idiot and he fucked up, badly. But he’s sick. We know he’s sick. Sirius has done plenty of crummy things in his life, this was just… on another level. I know we had every right to refuse to condone his behavior but… fuck, I miss him. And I’m worried about him. You saw him that night, Rem, I mean look at him,” James continued, shaking his head.  
  
“He looks like shite,” Remus affirmed, lowering his eyes.  
  
The two sat quietly for a moment. “Drugs, you think?” Remus asked.  
  
“Yeah… that and you know he’s drinking too much. It’s all he bloody seems to do if you judge by his Facebook account,” James sighed.  
  
“You picked up on that too, eh?”  
  
“Yeah… can’t tell if it’s just the drugs or if he’s…” James trailed off, shoving his hands in his pockets.  
  
“He looks too skinny. Could be the coke, but… I know what you mean. It looks as though he’s not eating at all, doesn’t it?”  
  
“Fucking Sirius,” James muttered, shaking his head. “Bloody fucking trainwreck.”  
  
“Do you know anything about that girl he’s with? Can’t get much out of her profile, it’s private,” Remus noted, rapping his fingers carelessly on the table.  
  
“Evelyn Greengrass, right?” James asked.  
  
Remus nodded. “Yeah. She studied medicine at Cambridge, apparently.”  
  
James nodded, brows furrowed in thought. “Yeah, I know her. Thought she looked familiar when we saw them at Marley’s, but it didn’t hit me until later. Her father’s an executive at Barclays, filthy rich. Her mum’s on the board of dad’s hospital. Her mum asked my dad to speak with her about going into medicine when she was applying to uni… I vaguely remember her coming round a few times over winter holiday when I was a kid. Seemed like a decent bird… mind you, I was maybe ten or eleven when that happened, but still. It’s surprising, really, that Sirius is with her.”  
  
“How so?”  
  
“She’s at least seven or eight years older than us. We were little kids when she was in uni. She’s practically a different generation than us,” James explained, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.   
  
“Even so… she’s bloody brilliant, probably. And she studied medicine. Siri is studying pharmacology. Bet they have loads in common,” Remus muttered bitterly.  
  
“Somehow I doubt Sirius is in the right head space to be discussing such matters as medicine and science, Rem,” James retorted dryly. “You saw him, too.”  
  
“I worry about him” Rem said quietly, shutting his laptop. “It’s stupid and pathetic, but I do. Not enough to go crawling back, of course, but… I worry. I don’t want to find myself reading his name in the obits while drinking my morning tea.”  
  
James nodded, jaw clenched. “At least he’s got her looking after him. I must admit it was a relief, knowing he’s got _someone_.”  
  
Remus grimaced, involuntarily. “Yeah,” he agreed, surprised by the bitterness of his own voice.   
  
“You alright, Rem?” James asked, eyeing him curiously.  
  
“Yeah,” Rem affirmed, biting his lower lip as he reached for his tea.  
  
“You gonna try and talk to him, James?”  
  
James shrugged. “Dunno. I feel like it’s been too long. We haven’t spoken proper in months. It seems like a dick move to even bother to try and reach out. Too little too late and all that.”  
  
“Do you think _you_ will?” James asked. “Talk to him, I mean. He seemed pretty keen about speaking with you, Rem.”  
  
Remus jerked his head no, frowning. “I have nothing to say to him, James. I don’t forgive him for what he did. Whatever we had is over. Probably best to keep my distance.”  
  
“Then why are you stalking his and his girl’s Facebook, Rem?” James asked pointedly.  
  
Remus sighed, running his hands through his hair. “He’s my ex boyfriend, James. He’s basically fallen off the face of the Earth, only to appear briefly at a party before disappearing again. Just because I’m curious of his whereabouts doesn’t mean I want to talk to him or bloody get back together or anything. I just… I dunno. Forget it, okay?”  
  
James nodded. “Right. It’s forgotten, mate.”


End file.
